54 medical jokes

Funny jokes about medical treatment (selected 54 paragraphs)

The emergency doctor had just finished rescuing the patient and returned to the office after 1pm to eat the already cold lunch box. Without swallowing a mouthful of food, a parent of the family approached the doctor and opened the diaper in his hand: "Doctor, can you see if there is any problem with our child's stool?" Did it make you laugh? Life needs jokes, and today we have Let’s take a look at some funny jokes about medical treatment!

Medical funny jokes 1

1. I slept all day before the weekend, and when I got up in the evening, I said: " Mom, I haven’t eaten all day.”

Mom: “Did you eat enough yesterday?”

Me: “Dad! I haven’t eaten all day!”

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Dad: "Oh, remember to eat it tomorrow."

Me.

2. The turtle raised at home fell into the pit in the bathroom, and my mother asked me to fish it out.

I asked if it bites people?

My mother said: If it doesn’t bite people, you still have to fish it! Hurry up.

Me.

3. My son was doing homework seriously at home. Suddenly his father said to him: Son, don’t do homework all the time. Watch TV and take a rest.

My son ran to turn on the TV very happily, but found that he couldn't turn it on.

Just asked: Dad, why can’t the TV be turned on?

Dad: What? You broke the TV. Let’s see how your mother will deal with you when she comes back!

My own father is also full of routines.

4. Today, a relative came to ask me for my WeChat ID, saying that he wanted to introduce me to my boyfriend.

Mom said: Yes, yes, but I have to give it to you tomorrow.

When my relatives left, my mother told me: Go and buy you an iPhone.

I was shocked. How could a stingy mother be so generous? Then my mother said: They say that Apple phones have the best beautification effect.

5. When I was young, my family was poor and never wore famous brands. At that time, we were particularly envious of a classmate in the class because his aunt gave him a reversible jacket. One side is from Adidas and the other is from Nike. Medical cold jokes 2

1. Who said words spoken in anger are angry words? Maybe they are the truth that they usually dare not say.

2. Massaging the face can slim down the face, massaging the legs can slim down the legs, and massaging the abdomen can reduce the size of the belly. So the question is, why can massaging breasts enlarge breasts?

3. Under the torment of modern life, you sometimes feel that you are aging quickly, but sometimes you feel that you are not mature enough to do things. This is called "age confusion".

4. If you are in your twenties and have not yet dated a partner, I suggest you go out more and get to know the uncles and aunts nearby and see if any of them can help. Someone from the police station can help you. Change your age to a younger one.

5. If time equals money, and money is the root of all evil, then wasting time is fighting evil. Medical Funny Jokes 3

1. Patient: “Doctor, I keep losing my hair during this period.”

Doctor: “It doesn’t matter, I won’t lose my hair after a while. "

The patient said worriedly: "It will be taken off in a while. "

Doctor: "Yes, it will not be taken off again. "

2. I went to the hospital two days ago and got a specialist number.

The doctor looked at it, told me the name of the disease, and prescribed medicine for me.

In the process of prescribing the medicine, I asked what caused this.

The doctor came and said: "Go home and ask your mother!"

3. The gynecologist said to a middle-aged woman who had been infertile for many years and longed to have a child: "You can Don't worry, you will definitely have a baby. Even if you don't, your daughter will definitely give birth.

4. A friend said to the dentist: "It must be very uncomfortable to put your hands in other people's mouths all day long." "

The dentist replied seriously: "I was imagining putting my hand in their wallet. ”

5. The most common words doctors say:

1. Take a X-ray first.

2. Take a blood test first. Take a look.

3. How can I know what the disease is without checking?

4. Pay the money first! Medical jokes 4

1. A man went to the hospital for treatment because of physical discomfort. Doctor: For your health, I have to give you a choice. Man: Huh? Doctor: Which one are you willing to give up? You should first find out what year they are from. "

2. The husband accompanied his wife to the hospital for tonsil removal surgery. The doctor said to him: "Your wife should have had her tonsils removed when she was a child. Why did she delay it until now? ?”

“Really?” the husband said happily. After his wife completed the operation, he immediately sent the receipt for the operation fee to his father-in-law.

3. "My tooth hurt all night last night and I couldn't sleep."

"How are you now? Your Excellency."

"No I know, the doctor took it away.”

4. Section Chief: Please give my wife another physical examination certificate! Doctor: Should I write down my health status as worse as last time? Section Chief: No, please try to write better this time. Doctor: Why? Section Chief: That time it was to transfer to a city registered residence, this time it was to arrange a job.

5. A doctor is walking on the street. A young man ran across the street and bumped into the doctor, knocking him down. The doctor was furious, stood up and grabbed the young man, raising his hand to beat him. The young man quickly said: Kick me with your feet! Please don't hit it with your hands. The doctor asked: Why? The young man said: People say you can't kill him by kicking him, but he will be killed by your hands.

6. A man lost both ears in an accident, so the doctor transplanted them for him. A month later, he came back to the doctor and complained: "What you transplanted on me was a woman's ear!"

"Yes! But, how did you know?"

"Well, I heard everything, but I didn't understand anything!"

7. A hospital in the United States decided to reveal the truth to the patient: "You are terminally ill, and it seems that there is no cure... You Who else do you want to see?"

The patient nodded slightly.

"Who do you want to see?" the doctor asked patiently.

"I want to see another doctor!" the patient replied.

8. When I was sick, I had to stay on the water for three days. When I came up, I met an old nurse who was teaching the young intern nurses. She walked up to me and said, "This pulse is pretty good. You can take a look at it." Obviously, I tied the thin one and left the thicker one for you to take the exam tomorrow." I decided not to fail in the next two days! Big bad guy!

9. The hospital has a new leader, and naturally there are new rules: "Breakfast is not allowed in the office."

Unfortunately, a colleague was caught red-handed by the new leader.

The leader asked sharply. He bit the bullet and said: "I...I am injecting food into the stomach."

10. The doctor walked into the ward and saw a patient who looked very good: "I am in good spirits today."

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Patient: "Yes! Yes! Since I got this mental illness, I have become more energetic."

11. The female doctor glanced at the man opposite: "What's wrong with you?"

Man: "Irregular heartbeat."

Doctor: "When did it start?"

Man: "When I saw you."

Doctor: "Then I won't be fine if you don't come to see me?"

Man: "I'll have trouble breathing if I can't see you."

12. Intensive care by myself There is a hard-working young male nurse in the room.

A patient had both of his lower limbs amputated in a car accident. It is already the fifth day. He is laughing and joking with us every day.

Suddenly that afternoon, I lifted up the quilt and shouted: Oh, fuck! Where are my legs?

The whole department was shocked. How did he come here these days...

13. Nick said to people: It’s amazing to find that Brown’s good luck has been with him all the time. Die. What's going on? The doctors operated on him and removed a pearl he had swallowed while eating clams. After taking it out, they found that the pearl was enough to pay for his surgery and burial expenses.

14. The patient said to the doctor: I behaved inappropriately, doctor! My conscience has been troubled.

The doctor said understandingly: Then you must need something to strengthen your willpower.

Actually... the patient said, I would rather know what can weaken conscience.

15. The dentist said to the patient: Don’t be afraid, come on, have a glass of wine to calm down.

After the patient drank the wine, after a while, the doctor asked: How do you feel now?

Who dares to pull out my tooth? The patient said to the doctor fiercely with red eyes.

16. A gentleman went to the hospital to get a diaphragm injection due to a cold. More than an hour later, the water in the saline bottle was gone, and the nurse came over and immediately replaced it with another bottle. The gentleman was puzzled and asked the nurse: "Miss, didn't there only be one bottle prescribed on the prescription?" The nurse pointed to the empty cap of the bottle filled with saline and said, "Congratulations, you are so lucky. This bottle won the prize." Here’s a bottle!”

17. A snail was walking on the road, and a turtle came from behind and ran over him. Later, the snail was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment. When Snail regained consciousness, police officers asked him about the situation. The snail replied: "I don't remember, everything happened too fast..."

18. "I'm afraid" "What are you afraid of?" The first time I was afraid of pain, "It hurts if it's okay" "Nervous" "Relax, it won't hurt anymore." "But..." I got an injection and said, "Shut up and take off your pants!" ! !

19. A doctor wanted to test whether his young patient knew the names of various parts of his body.

He pointed to the little guy’s ear and asked, “Is this your nose?”

The little guy immediately turned to his mother and said, “I see. , we need to find another doctor.”

20. Xiaohong signed up for a physical examination and went to the doctor. After reading the report, the doctor said solemnly: Fortunately, you came early...

After hearing this, Xiao Hong turned pale with fright. The doctor continued: I have something to do and want to leave work early... Medical joke 5

1. The doctor looked at the patient's throat for a long time and asked: "Can you gargle with salt water?" Did you pass it? This is good for you."

The patient suddenly got up and said, "I went swimming in the sea the day before yesterday and almost choked to death."

2. Xiaoxiao got a stomachache from eating jelly today, so she hurried to see a doctor. The doctor touched Xiaoxiao's abdomen and shook his head sternly. Xiaoxiao asked worriedly: "Is it stomach stones? Or gastric ulcer?" The doctor still shook his head. When Xiaoxiao couldn't help but think about the worse, the bad doctor said: "There's so much meat!"

3. There is also a stuttering surgeon in the hospital. Once during the operation, he said: cut... cut... and the intern just clicked the scissors.

He: Hey, give the scissors...give them to me! ! ...Who the hell...asked...to let you cut...I want...scissors!

4. The doctor said to the patient: You need to eat more fish, because fish contains more phosphorus. Doctor, I want to ask you to help cure the disease, not to glow at night!

5. Patient: "Doctor, you cured me of rheumatism in my feet a year ago, and also told me that my abdomen should not get wet.

Doctor: "Yes, is there any problem?"

Patient: "Can I take a bath now?" "

6. My friend got into a fight with someone and got stitches on his head. I bought a box of walnuts and went to the hospital to visit him.

I stood in front of the bed and peeled a few walnuts for him. A walnut said: "What you eat makes up for it, eat these shells. "

7. A middle-aged woman who was always afraid that others would say she was older went to the hospital to see a doctor. When the doctor asked her her age, she lied and said: "Twenty-five years old.

The doctor frowned and wrote on the medical record card: "This person has lost his memory." ”

8. A routine physical examination at the unit, a chest X-ray was done in the mobile ambulance, and I was cut... The nurse called me to get in the car, took off my coat and put it against the machine for a chest X-ray, and 3 minutes passed. When there was no movement, I asked the nurse if she was okay. As a result, the machine was pushed open and a colleague walked out. It turned out that it was just a door of the chest X-ray room. Not to mention the way the nurse looked at me.

9. Young. After the examination, the doctor was still unable to diagnose what disease the patient had.

“Have you ever had this disease before? "

"Yes, doctor. "

"Ah, by the way, you have relapsed now. "

10. A man was watching an archery exercise in the martial arts field. Suddenly an arrow flew and hit the man's arm by mistake. The man asked a surgeon for treatment. The doctor used a small saw to remove the exposed arrow. The rod was cut off, so he asked for the money for medical treatment and wanted to leave. "What should I do with the half arrow inside?" The doctor replied: "This is a matter for the internist. You can go to him!"

11. The gynecologist said to a middle-aged woman who had been infertile for many years and desperately wanted to have a baby: "Don't worry, you will definitely have a baby. Even if you don't, your daughter will." It will definitely happen. ”

12. Patient: I am deaf and can’t even hear my own fart.

Doctor: This medicine may be of some use.

Patient: Will your ears be cured by taking this medicine?

Doctor: It will make your farts louder.

13. Once I had a stomachache and went to the hospital for emergency treatment. When I was seeing a doctor, 120 of the hospital suddenly sent in a patient with blood all over his body. The doctor had to put me aside and advised me to go have lunch first and then come back to check my stomach.

“Look for something to do. Do it, distract yourself, otherwise your stomach will hurt even more. "This is the doctor's exact words.

14. In the physical examination for college entrance, there is a need to check the small chrysanthemum.

A buddy in the dormitory happened to have diarrhea at that time, and then he told the doctor that it was okay. No need to check

The doctor replied fiercely:

The classmate said he had diarrhea.

The doctor didn’t believe it! , so... was sprayed in the face.

15. A man with athlete's foot fought with a woman with a sniff, and the man kicked the woman in the mouth. The next day, the woman felt it. It was itchy in the mouth. I went to the hospital for a checkup and found out that I had athlete's foot.

The woman said, "That's weird. What's wrong with this?" The doctor said, "What's weird about this?" Got a sniff?

16. When Xiao Ming went to the hospital for a physical examination, he saw a child crying so much that he asked him with concern: Why were you crying so sadly? The child replied: Just now? The physical examination requires a blood test and a finger blood test. It hurts! Xiao Ming cried immediately after hearing this. The child asked him why he was crying. Xiao Ming said: The blood test requires a finger blood test, but I have to do a urine test. It hurts my little brother so much.

17. A priest came to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my amnesia seems to be cured. "

"Really? Then tell me, what did you do before? "

"Preach! "

"Hahaha, let's consolidate the treatment for two more courses. "

18. A patient went to the doctor and said: My stomach hurts. Can you give me some medicine? What did you eat today? The doctor asked. Rotten meat pie. The man said.

The doctor said he would give him eye drops, but the patient asked strangely: I have a stomachache, how can I apply eye drops? You should treat your eyes first. If you could see clearly, would you still eat rotten meat pies? The doctor explained.

19. “This is my mother”

“What are the symptoms?”

“Every day when it’s time to eat, my hands keep shaking! "

"Okay! Come closer and let me take a look, old man!"

The doctor looked at it carefully and said: Isn't this the aunt who served food at the school? Retribution! ! ! ;