2 minutes of simple English jokes

After the miser's death, a very stingy person was called "cheapskate". After his death, he went to hell. King Shan asked him to retire and said, "You cheapskate! When you are alive, hold on to everything and give it to no one. Even when you see others in poverty and pain, you refuse to help them. Also, you didn't take good care of your parents, relatives or friends and let them suffer and starve. Because of your bad karma, you will be thrown into a boiling oil pan. " The ghost supervisor then escorted the man to the boiling oil pan. When they arrived, he looked at the oil pan and said, "Hey! Wait a minute! There is so much oil in it. What a waste! Please pump out the oil, sell it and give me the money. Then, you can just throw me into a pot of boiling water! No need for oil. Anyway, you use too much oil to cook a person! " After the miser died, there was a man who was very stingy. He went to hell after his death. Yan Luowang scolded him and said, "You are a miser. When you are in the dust, you cling to everything and give nothing to anyone. You don't help people who are poor and miserable, and your parents, relatives and friends don't take good care of them, leaving them hungry and cold. You should be locked in this vicious evil barrier. " The ghost sent him to the boiling oil pan, and the miser said, "Oh, wait, wait!" " ! How to waste so much oil? You pour out the oil first, give me the money after you sell it, and then throw it in hot water! Why use oil, and use so much oil! The monkey and the policeman The monkey and the policeman A policeman took a monkey to see his boss. The boss asked, "What mischief are you playing? He said, "This monkey is wandering in the street and doesn't obey any rules. I'm going to turn him in. The boss said, "Oh, my God! You are so stupid! If you catch a monkey, you must take it to the zoo. Why did you bring it to me? Take it to the zoo! So the police took the monkey out. Three or four days later, someone saw him holding the monkey's hand again. He took the monkey to the police car, opened the door, put it in and was about to drive away. The boss saw it, ran out and asked, "Oh, my God! Why is the monkey still here? I hold you and take it to the zoo. The policeman repeated, "Yes, sir. I always take him to the zoo. Today, I'm taking him to the movies. The monkey and the policeman A policeman took a monkey to see his boss. His boss said, "What monkey trick are you playing?" The policeman's eldest brother said, "This monkey is running around the street and doesn't know anything about the law. I took it back and punished it. " The boss said, "My God, why are you so stupid?" When you catch the monkey, take it to the zoo. Why did you bring it to me? Take it to the zoo. Later, the police took the monkey out. Three or four days later, I saw him and the monkey open the door of the police car hand in hand and let the monkey sit in. He was about to drive. His boss ran out and said, "God, why did you leave the monkey here?" Didn't I tell you to take it to the zoo? "Why are you still here?" Police eldest brother: "I have! I have taken him to the zoo and I will take him to the movies today! " The clerk and the customer The customer and the clerk went to a grocery store and asked the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food. "Do you have a dog?" The clerk asked. "Yes, I know," replied the puzzled customer. "I'm sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but you must prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food." The frustrated customer came home, picked up his dog and led it all the way back to the store with a belt. "This is my dog!" The tired customer panted. "Thank you, sir. Here are two cans of dog food for you." Two days later, the man returned to the same store, walked up to the same clerk and said, "Please give me two cans of cat food." "Sir, do you have a cat?" "Of course I know," said the angry customer. "I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food." The man rushed out of the store, went home, grabbed his cat, dragged it back to the store, and grabbed the cat's tail for the clerk to see. "Thank you, sir. Here are two cans of cat food for you." The next day, the man went back to the shop, approached the clerk and put a white shoe box with a small hole in the lid on the counter. "Yes, sir, the clerk asked, what can I do for you?" "Put your finger in the hole," the customer ordered. "What did you say?" The clerk said, "Do as I say!" The guy ordered. The clerk carefully put his finger into the hole. "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" The guy said. "It looks like crap!" The disgusted staff said; The customer replied: Yes! ! Now give me two rolls of toilet paper! A customer and a clerk went to a grocery store and bought two tins of dog food from the clerk behind the counter.

"Do you have a dog?" The clerk asked.

"Yes, I have!" The puzzled customer replied.

"Sorry, sir, you must prove to me that you have a dog, and then I can sell you dog food."

The frustrated customer came home, tied the dog on a leash and led it all the way back to the grocery store. "This is my dog!" The tired customer panted.

"Thank you. Here are two tins of dog food for you."

Two days later, the man went to the same store again, approached the same clerk and said, "Two tins of cat food."

"Do you have a cat?"

"Of course!" The angry customer said.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."

The man walked out of the store in a rage, came home, grabbed the cat, dragged it back to the store and showed the clerk the cat's tail.

"Thank you. Here are two tins of cat food for you."

The next day, the man went back to the store, approached the clerk and put a white shoe box on the counter. There is a small hole in the lid of the box.

"What do you want?" The clerk asked.

"Put your finger in the hole," the customer asked.

"What?" , the clerk asked.

"Do as I say," the man ordered. The clerk carefully put his finger into the hole.

"Take it out and tell me what it looks like!"

"It looks like shit!" The clerk said in disgust.

The customer replied, "That's right! ! Now give me two rolls of toilet paper! " Matt and his wife live in the country. Matt is very stingy and hates spending money. One day, a beautiful camel came to a nearby town. "Let's go to the market, Matt," said his wife. "We haven't been anywhere for a long time." Matt thought for a moment. He knew that he would have to spend money in the market. Finally he said, "OK, but I'm not going to spend too much money. We will look at things, but we will not buy things. " They went to the market and saw everything they wanted to buy. Matt's wife wants to buy a lot of things, but he won't let her spend money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small plane. "Fun flight!" The notice said, "10 minutes 10 dollars. Matt has never been on an airplane. He wants to have an interesting flight. However, he doesn't want to pay for his wife. " "I only have 10 dollars," he told the pilot. Can my wife go with me for free? The pilot couldn't sell many tickets, so he said, "I'll make a deal with you." If your wife doesn't scream or shout, she can fly for free. Matt agreed and boarded the plane with his wife. The pilot took off and made his plane do all kinds of things. When the plane landed, the pilot said, "0. Well, your wife didn't make a sound. She can ride for free. ""Thank you, "Matt said." It's not easy for her, you know, especially when she falls out. "In the air, Matt and his wife live in the country. Matt is stingy and hates spending money. One day, there was a party in a nearby town. " "Let's go to the market, Matt," said his wife. "We haven't been out for a long time. "Matt thought for a moment. He knew that he had to spend money in the market. Finally he said, "OK, but I'm not going to spend too much money. We just watch it, not buy it. "They go to the market to see everything they can buy. Matt's wife wants to buy a lot of things, but Matt won't let her. Then they saw a small plane in a nearby open-air field. " Interesting flight. "The poster says," 10 minutes, 10 dollars. "Matt has never flown before, so he wants to take a small plane. However, he doesn't want to pay for his wife's plane ticket. " "I only have $65,438+00 on me," he said to the pilot. Can my wife fly with me for free? "The driver didn't sell many tickets, so he said," I'll make a deal with you. "If your wife doesn't scream, she can fly for free." Matt agreed, and he boarded the plane with his wife. The plane took off, and the pilot made the plane do various actions. For a while, the plane flew upside down. When the plane landed, the pilot said, "Well, your wife didn't make any noise. She won't have to buy a plane ticket. " "Thanks," Matt said. "You know, it's not easy for her, especially when she just fell."