Ancient and modern jokes about language

Once upon a time, there was a scholar whose son was stupid, but the scholar loved face and had no money. Once, the scholar's relatives came to visit him. So the scholar taught his son, "When the guests come, you should behave yourself and appear knowledgeable. If guests ask about the trees in front of their house, they will say that it will be difficult to sell in a few years. " If guests ask about the rockery behind their home, they will say that war and chaos have already been buried in the soil. If people go to see our granary, they will say that mom and dad earned it hard. If the guest asks about the scholar card on the wall, tell him what's the matter. Every generation in our family has to make one.

So he asked his son to recite these questions in three days, and the guests came. In order to show his son, the scholar let his son entertain the guests alone and hid himself. The guest asked about your father? The son replied in turn: "If the year is not good, it will be sold." The guest was surprised. Ask again, where is your mother? "The soldiers were in chaos and buried in the soil." When the guest saw him say something irrelevant, he pointed to the cow dung and said, "It's not small, it's cow dung." My son is busy saying that my parents earned all this. The guest can't stand it anymore. Ask, are you the son of a scholar after all? Why are you so stupid? The scholar's son said quickly, what's the matter? Every generation in our family will have one! Once upon a time, there was an old man named Zhu ... One day, a pig farmer came to Zhu's house ... Zhu said to the pig feeder, "Our house is a home that knows books and is courteous. We should also know our rules here ... My name is Zhu ... You are a pig farmer ... so you should call me your own master or master ... Eating is not eating, but eating ... Sleeping can't mean sleeping, but sleeping. Bad guys should be executed when they die ... good guys should die when they die ... "Many things have been confessed ... One day, Master Zhu's pig got swine fever ... This guy was in a hurry to report to his master ... Suddenly, he remembered what the master told him ... and said," My master ... our own master ... he was ill ... and told him not to eat ...

Master Zhu was almost out of breath when he heard this ... When the man saw Master Zhu's look, he was so scared that he quickly said, "Master ... if you are not going to execute the master ... let him die ..." The monkey picked up a card and climbed to the branch to see what it was. Unexpectedly, a lightning strike hit it, and the monkey cried and said, "It turned out to be an IP card." A gentleman urinated in an empty sprite bottle while driving, and ran out of the car in a traffic jam. He tried to put the bottle in the trash can and was stopped by a respectful policeman. What sprite is left in the bottle? Then take a sip and show me! The cannibal father and son hunted, and the son caught a thin man. His father said, let go, there is no meat! His son also caught a fat man, and his father said, let go, it's too tired! His son captured another beautiful woman, and his father said, take it home and eat your mother at night!

1, a beautiful MM occupied the ATM for a long time, and made a receipt from time to time. I'm tired of waiting in the back. I looked at her and found that her screen actually showed: "Insufficient balance." I saw that this MM was still withdrawing money and collecting typed receipts one by one. About 5 minutes later, I saw this beautiful MM rushing to the public toilet with a pile of bank receipts. . .

At the teacher's banquet, a classmate said to the teacher, "Hello, teacher, I must propose a toast to you! You are so kind to me. Every time you finish the problem, you are the first to ask me if I understand. " The teacher said, "Actually, I think if you understand, everyone will understand ..."

3. I just took a shower and was blowing my hair when my cell phone rang! Let my mother answer for me first. . . I saw my mother pick up the phone and look at the screen. She shouted "Dad!" . . . Then I was stunned for 3 seconds, and quickly threw my phone to me! I'm confused, too . . Pick up the phone and say, "Hello? Grandpa! " . . . Then. . . I heard my dad's lonely voice on the other end of the phone. "Who are you?"

4. Cats are very delicate. In the afternoon at my friend's house, her cat slept behind my ass. I drank too much beer and accidentally farted on the cat's head. As a result, the cat stood up, shook his hands in front of his eyes a few times, fell backwards, fainted, and was stiff all over, which scared my father to death. . . Friends quickly took him to the pet hospital. Later, my friend called and said that alcoholism had been diagnosed. He asked me to visit and apologize to the cat.

5. A buddy borrowed 500 yuan from me and didn't pay it back for a long time, so I was embarrassed to ask for it. So every time we go to KTV to sing, I always order "your backpack". At the end of the sentence, I will sing to him affectionately: "Why don't you return what you borrowed?" He also unconsciously applauded me: "It's really good." I am speechless. ...

6. Sit in the last row of junior middle school Chinese class and play poker with a classmate. I took a handful and three Lao Wang said, run five laps. He said, follow, add ten laps. I gave him a look. Are you sure? He said, ok, plus breakfast tomorrow morning. I said, open it. You show your cards first. He pointed directly at JQK. I showed three old kings that you lost. He suddenly stood up, pointed at me and said, teacher, he plays poker in class.

7. An old woman who has smoked for most of her life said, "Granddaughter, don't marry someone who has given up smoking in the future." I was puzzled and asked her why. She said, "Men who quit smoking are cruel! Think about it, you can quit smoking, you can't do anything! " -Grandpa said to his grandson, "Never look for a thin woman! A woman can control her mouth, what else can she do? "

8. A man on the bus waited for an opportunity to grab the necklace of the female passenger. When the bus stopped, he grabbed her necklace like lightning and rushed to the back door to escape. As a result, the back door didn't open ... because the driver stopped not because of the stop, but because it was a red light!

9. One day I went to an antique shop Taobao. The shopkeeper saw that I was a wooden stick. So, after I was stunned by a god chat, I said, "Just look around, they are all genuine!" "I slowly turned to a pile of bronzes and suddenly saw a bust of Chairman Mao, which was old in style but full of momentum. Playing with it in the palm of your hand, I found that under the bronze statue seat, it read: "The imperial system during the Qianlong period. "

10, received a phone call from a swindler: "Mr. X, you have a summons from the xxx court ..." "Hello, I am not the Mr. xxx you are looking for." "We have a lot of subpoenas. Please state your name. I will check whether the staff is wrong. " "My surname is Cao." "Hello, Mr. Cao." "My name is Cao Nima" DuDu. ...

1 1. If a fat girl has been buying loose, fat-covered clothes with hips and thighs since she gained weight, she will still be fat after half a year; But if she buys short, tight, smaller clothes from the beginning, then look, after half a year, she will become a very conspicuous fat man in the crowd.

12, always absent from the class at the same table. One day in class, he secretly played with his mobile phone, which happened to be discovered by the class teacher who was patrolling outside the classroom. The class teacher took out his mobile phone and sent him a message: Why don't you listen carefully? The deskmate replied doubtfully: Who are you? The class teacher sent him another short message: Look out of the window. My deskmate glanced out of the window and replied, thank you for reminding me. Talk to you later. Our head teacher is staring out the window! ! !

13, I can't get married. My brother comforted me like this: I believe that one day, as a tasteful and grounded female diaosi who listens to songs and divine comedy and only watches idol dramas, there will be a tall and powerful pure man wearing a thick gold necklace and driving a motorcycle with the most dazzling national bass to marry you. . .

14, my buddy bought a 2-yuan ring and went to the West Lake to perform Gao Fushuai. He held the diamond ring in his left hand and called hysterically in his right hand: Are you really not going to marry me? Really don't want to be with me! Then break up! Never, never be together! Then I made an extremely chic action-throwing my mobile phone into the lake. "

15. Yesterday afternoon in the library, a boy's cell phone rang. In order not to disturb everyone, he rushed out at 80 mph. However, the phone kept ringing, and this guy ran back and said, I forgot my phone. . . Hit the table instantly!

16, I was having dinner in a restaurant when suddenly an elder sister came over and smelled of various perfumes. Seeing diaosi on the other side is really unbearable, and I have no appetite to eat. Then diaosi thought about it. Finally, I took off my shoes ............ ……NND! ! Now everyone can't eat. ...

17, one day I took a bus and sat next to a strange aunt. When the cell phone rang, my aunt answered the phone and said to the phone cheerfully, "Oh, I'm not available this morning! I have to accompany Hui Hui to the hospital for an abortion! " The crowded carriage immediately quieted down ... I glanced at my aunt next to me, turned around and found that the whole car was staring at myself. But I'm really not Hui Hui.

18, the company recruited, but I didn't expect to recruit a top-notch beauty. The company is a fritter and always likes to flirt. One day, the idiot gave a heavy "mm-hmm" in front of the beauty! The beautiful woman said understandingly, Do you have a cold? Idiot man is very excited, nod! Beauty: "Then you should stay as far away from me as possible! Colleagues laughed collectively. .

19, the couple are shopping and walking to discuss sexual harassment. The husband suddenly reached out and touched his wife's chest quickly, and then asked, "Is this sexual harassment?" The wife was furious and said to her husband, "Please! It's outside now! " The husband looked puzzled and asked his wife, "Do you want to put your hand in?"

20, really helpless ~ Dad still doesn't go home after 0/2 in the evening/kloc-,but I clearly remember that he went out to walk the dog in the afternoon! Don't answer the phone! Mom is angry, too! Armed to the teeth, he went out to find his father. When I finally found it in the mahjong room, I was looking at the dog with the wrong forehead, squatting in my father's arms and looking at the cards attentively. ...

2 1, lunch in the canteen, and hordes of arrows rushed to the canteen like this. One day, the two brothers finally rushed to the striker. Suddenly A tripped on the stairs of the canteen and the lunch box fell to one side. B immediately turned his head and looked at A with concern. A looked up and said, "Leave me alone! Run! ! Remember to burn some paper for me after dinner. "

When I came to this company for an interview just after graduating from college, my boss told me earnestly: Although the salary is not much, you can get rapid growth here, which is the most important thing for young people. Now that two years have passed, the boss has not lied to me. I look like a man of 40 years old.

23. Xiao Wang squeezed the bus that day, and a stout woman shook her body and stepped on him. The woman turned around and asked, "Does it hurt?" When Xiao Wang saw that she was so guilty, his heart was hot and he shook his head shyly and said, "It doesn't hurt much." As soon as the voice fell, the woman immediately said excitedly, "Haha, it turns out that my weight loss has finally worked!" " I stepped on many people's feet these days, and you are the only one who said it didn't hurt too much.

24. During the afternoon recess, a petite beauty in the class is cleaning the blackboard. Because he is not tall, he can't wipe a large area on tiptoe. The way she worked hard greatly aroused my desire for protection! Without saying anything, I went up to her and said kindly, "I'll help you." She was very moved and said, "Thank you." Then I put my arm around her waist and picked her up.

25. It is said that many people now call "Zi" "paper", and a female classmate often sells cute like this. So one day, after catching a cold, a woman was reading in the library and ran out of paper towels, so she sent a short message to her roommate, saying, "When you come over, bring two packs of paper." After a while, my roommate came over with two steamed buns in his hand. .

26. I want my deskmate monitor to study at the university for one night and make a fool of me. I put a piece of paper behind him and drew a pig on it. She is a very fat girl sitting at the back table. The fat girl laughed wildly after seeing it, and the louder she laughed, the monitor asked her why she laughed. The fat girl smiled and pointed to the monitor and said, "There is a pig behind you ..."

27. Yesterday I went to the university opposite the company to watch the relay race of the student sports meeting. I saw a boy rushing forward. Just as he was about to hand in the baton, a teacher in front of me shouted, "Hold on! Hold on! You are steady! " Then the two boys paused, looked at each other for half a second, and then hugged and kissed. ...

Last night, the brothers in the dormitory just fell asleep when the phone suddenly rang. The closest brother reluctantly got up to answer the phone. Others said that whoever has the phone number of the dormitory will be thrown out of the dormitory and picked up the phone in a crusade. A shy boy's voice came from the other end of the phone: "Please call Wang Tingting." The buddy who answered the phone sneered and said lightly, "She's asleep!" Then hang up and pull ~ ~ ~

29. At noon, a female colleague of the company went out for dinner and left her mobile phone at the company. Then her husband kept calling, and a buddy next to him took a nap after dinner and was annoyed by the ringing of the phone. After the phone rang for the nth time, the buddy picked up the phone angrily and shouted, "We are sleeping. Are you tired of calling all the time?" And then hung up. The telephone has stopped ringing. 1 hour later, the husband appeared in front of the company. . .

30. One day, halfway through physical education class, the toilet solved personal problems. As a result, I was so anxious that I went into the men's room by mistake. I was cheated when I saw a boy urinating in a urinal. A second later, I was about to retreat quietly, but I was found and fainted. I saw the boy shouting "rogue, indecent assault" and then covering his chest with his hand. Later, later, I said something that I found incredible: "Classmate, you built the wrong place ...".