Let's tell a joke.

1, five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, so I called the hundred-dollar bill:

"ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Say it.

disappear

Man: "... cake."

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.

Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four sections and plays mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "

Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "

5. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl struggles to resist and swears to the death. Panda man said angrily after the failure:

"We are all going extinct ~ ~ ~!"

10, the tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

1 1. A man and a woman are eating.

Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?

The boy finally said: love

The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?

Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ..

The boys put forty yuan on the table.

soon .....

The girl was very angry and asked the boy: Do you want to prove that you love me or not?

Boys say I have been proved! ! !

Forty is just around the corner!

15, a day in the snack street.

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk, "Is this sold separately?"

Shop assistant: "No, it's from Japan."

18, one day, a family caught fire.

Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.

Mother was very nervous and shouted outside the house.

"Son ... what are you doing ... fire, don't you come out ..."

The son replied ... "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."

After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what on earth are you doing?" Come out ~ it's on fire, stay inside ... "

The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."

19 went fishing by the river alone.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water.

"* * * ~ ~ What to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

20. A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans, "You have a good physique and are in charge of coolies. 」

He said to the French, "You said you were an engineer in charge of the mining plan. 」

To the Japanese, he said, "You are very thin. You are in charge of supply. 」

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out.

Shout out:

"surprise! 」

24. "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. 」

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." 」

The pig said, "people who fart will blush." 」

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away, and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」

26. One day, a man met God. ..

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ....

God asked ...

Do you have any wishes? ...

The man thought about it. ...

I heard that cats have nine lives. ...

Then please give me nine lives. ..

God said, ..

Your wish has come true. ....

One day, the man was idle and bored. ...

If you want to say death, forget it. ...

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks. ....

As a result, a train passed by. ....

That man is still dead. ...

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars. ...

30. One day, three people came to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ...

Confused, the funeral home manager asked the police: Why do people's faces look like this after death?

The policeman said: this is ... it's a long story ... look at the man on the left ... he and his wife are on a spring night.

The most passionate moment .. I can't stand it .. Hang up the phone.

The administrator replied: Alas ... I wish I could die under the flower ... Being a ghost is also very romantic ... How did the middle one die? ...

Policeman: The man in the middle ... is really a human tragedy ... He is walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... and the prize money exceeded 700 million yuan. ..

I was so happy when I laughed ... but I was hit by an oncoming car ... and I died. ...

The administrator replied: alas ... he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... what about the rest?

Policeman: ... it's a pity that this one died ... he was killed by lightning while climbing a tree.

The administrator replied: ... this is a bit wrong. Why do you laugh when you are struck by lightning? ...

The policeman said, because he climbed the tree and thought ... suddenly there was a flash of lightning. .....

He thought that someone was taking pictures of him. .....

3 1, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. On one occasion, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought this pair to. ...

Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran behind a tree to solve it.

This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the jade emperor.

The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.

In case the tree falls by itself. ...

35. A middle-aged woman ran to the traffic police and said:

"A boring person has been following me. 」

The policeman looked at her face, looked at her figure and said:

"I think he may be drunk for a while, and he will be fine for a while! 」

In the theater, a performance is going on.

A spectator stood up and walked into the toilet along a row of seats.

A few minutes later, he came back,

Ask the first audience in this row:

"Excuse me, did I just step on your foot? 」

"Yes, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't hurt now. 」

"No, just want to confirm whether I sit in this row. 」

38. A group of great scientists played hide-and-seek in heaven after their death. It's Einstein's turn to arrest people. He counted to 100 and opened his eyes. He saw everyone hiding, but Newton was still standing there.

Einstein walked over and said, "Newton, I got you."

Newton: "No, you didn't catch Newton."

Einstein: "You are not Newton. Who are you? "

Newton: "What do you see under my feet?"

Einstein looked down and saw Newton standing on a square floor tile one meter long and one meter wide, puzzled.

Newton: "This is a square meter under my feet, and I stand on it, which is Newton/square meter, so you don't catch Newton, you catch Pascal."

39. Woman: Say "I love you", say it, come on! Say it!

Man: it!

40. One day, a kangaroo was driving on a country road. Suddenly, he saw a small white rabbit in the middle of the road, with its ears and body almost completely on the ground, as if listening to something. ...

So .. Kangaroo stopped the car and asked curiously, "What are you listening to, Little White Rabbit?"

"A big truck passed here half an hour ago ..."

"Wow .. so God! .. how do you know? "

"He NN! That's how my neck and legs were broken.

4 1, Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, and time waits for no one.

A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "It will be the days of the elderly in a few decades."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: ". Tomb-Sweeping Day. "

42. Zorro's death

One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house to meet her. The hostess asked Zorro, "What if my husband comes back?"

"Zorro said," it's okay. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will be there.

Pick me up next. "

The hostess said that if I heard three knocks at the door, my husband would come back.

Zorro said: I see.

After a while, it rained. Suddenly there were three knocks at the door: knock, knock, knock. Then say it's late

Yes, Zorro flew out of bed and jumped out of the window in the blink of an eye. When the hostess saw Zorro leaving, she went to open the door.

I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her, "Tell Zorro it's raining outside and I'll wait for him in the corridor."

44. The fat girl asked the racecourse manager: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

Librarian: It's not a camel, it's the horse you rode last time. ...

45, the traffic police reprimanded: little rabbit, are you still driving with a red eye after drinking?

Crab, crossing the road again?

Kangaroo, don't ride with children in the future!

Tortoise, who told you to take the fast lane?

46. There was an unfortunate man. He was badly injured at work, leaving only a middle finger of his right hand, but his bad luck has just begun. From now on, whenever he stretched out his right hand, someone beat him.

47. A young lion and an old lion came to the zoo and were in the same cage.

Every time the breeder comes to feed, he always gives the little lion a banana, while the old lion is a big piece of meat.

The little lion thought, maybe I'm new here. Don't worry too much.

Three months later, the little lion finally couldn't help it and asked the administrator why I still ate bananas after three months.

The administrator replied: because you are the vacancy of the monkey.

48. The story that happened the day before yesterday:

A mouse was chased by a cat and strayed into a flower shop. Seeing that there was no way out, the mouse picked up a bunch of roses as a weapon and made a tenacious resistance.

The cat was startled and immediately lowered its head and said shyly, you damn fool, it's so sudden.

Patient: Doctor, I have a hearing problem. I'm almost half deaf.

Doctor: All right! You repeat what I said! ......88。

Patient: 44.

50. An advertisement posted by a dairy merchant:

"If you drink a glass of milk every day for 1200 months, you will live to 100 years old!"

5 1 Customer: "Is this bulletproof vest safe?"

Boss: "Of course, I have sold so many, and no one has ever returned them."

Customer: "What if I wear it and get killed?"

Boss: "Then I promise to refund your money."

52. A patient who just woke up after surgery asked, "What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You had an accident and just had an operation."

"So I'm in the hospital?" The patient said.

The doctor replied, "To be precise, most of you are in the hospital."

53. The police officer who executed the death penalty walked into the cell and announced the order to the prisoner while shaking his raincoat.

The prisoner said in surprise: It's raining so hard to go to the execution ground?

The officer said, what do you have to complain about? I have to come back in the rain!

54. The centipede was bitten by a snake and sent to the hospital for emergency treatment. After diagnosis, the doctor said: for the spread of anti-virus liquid, it must be amputated!

The centipede thought: fortunately, I have many legs!

The doctor consoled: relax, brother, you will be an earthworm in the future.

W: Tomorrow is my birthday. What gift will you give me?

M: Same as last year.

W: What did you give me last year?

M: The same as the year before last.

W: When was the year before last?

Man: I didn't know you the year before last, so I didn't send anything.

56. A man went to the company to apply for a job.

The recruiter asked him: What can you do?

The man replied, I don't know what I can do, but my former boss said I can only do two things ~ ~ ~

The recruiter asked with interest: What are two things you can't do?

M: My former boss told me that it's not possible here or there. ..

57. There is a Grenade.

One day it was finished.

Clean its teeth.

Suddenly I found a thorn between my teeth.

It's hard to pull out.

..... it exploded. ....

58. M: Marry me! I love you! I can't live without you!

Woman: No, my mother will be unhappy. She said you were so worthless.

Man: Oh, if you don't promise, I will die in front of you! With that, he picked up a pistol.

W: Just a moment, please. I'll ask my mother.

Man: Hey, hey, I knew it would work.

Woman: My mother said that I was an adult and could watch such a bloody scene.

Man: ...

59. The father and his little son are standing in front of the tiger cage in the zoo.

The father told his son how ferocious the tiger was, and his son listened seriously.

"Dad!" The son finally said it! "If the tiger rushes out of the cage and eats you ..."

"What are you going to do, son?" Father asked expectantly.

"So, which bus should I take home?" The boy raised his face and asked his father.