Selected jokes of the day

I believe many people like watching jokes. No matter where you are, whether you are happy or not, happiness should be the main theme that accompanies us. The following is a selection of daily jokes I compiled for you. I hope you will like them.

Selected jokes of the day 1:

1. Xiaomei wrote down her wishes when she grew up in her composition book: first, I hope to have a lovely child; Second, I also hope to have a husband who loves me. It turns out that the teacher wrote a comment: "Please pay attention to the order."

2. Once my girlfriend accidentally rushed into the men's room after drinking too much. In front of the panicked face, the goods pretended to be calm and shouted, "What are you afraid of?" I didn't bring a ruler ~ "

Guess what? I really want to take you out to experience the charm of KTV! Do you know what KTV is? Then k stands for you, t stands for you, and finally I'll make a V gesture!

Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes. One day, the old man who taught biology asked slowly, "Students, how many chromosomes are right?" An idiot in the corner loudly replied, "64 pairs!" " "The old man nodded calmly and seriously." Well, now tell me, what's the purpose of your coming to earth? "

5. A few days ago, I surfed the Internet at home, and my long-lost college classmates suddenly went online with qq and WeChat, and sent me a message of blessing. The first reaction was that this guy was getting married, so he made up a reason to reply decisively to him, "Dude, I'm married; Lsquo is eleven years old. Engagement, will you come to my engagement party? " Sure enough, he replied, "Sorry, I&; Lsquo is eleven years old. Married, it seems that I can't come. " ~ saved 500 oceans.

6. There is a mother and son in the car. The child is still wearing open-backed pants. The child has been talking. Everyone is looking at him and thinks he is cute. The child suddenly asked his mother, "Why does the elder sister across the street keep staring at my little JJ?" Then, I heard people around me laughing, and the girl opposite (about 20 years old) blushed. When GC came, his mother said, "Sister didn't look at you, but people have seen too much." How can you embarrass a little girl? Everyone around you is holding back internal injuries &; hellip& amphellip

7. Walking with my boyfriend, I like to hug his waist and pull his clothes by the way. Walking one day, he suddenly said, "Will you stop pulling my clothes?" I was unhappy and said, "can't you have a baby when you talk to me?" Then he said, "Don't pull my baby clothes, okay?" Me: "&; hellip& amphellip”

8. The family went to see a play. They bought tickets upstairs, but the little boy kept looking down on the railing, only to hear a staff member come over and say, "Take care of the child, don't let him fall down, there is a VIP seat downstairs, and you have to pay for the ticket if you fall down &; hellip& amphellip”

The young soldier received a letter from his hometown. When he opened the envelope, he took out a blank sheet of paper. "What is this?" The friend asked. "The thing is," said the soldier, "when I left my hometown, I had a quarrel with my fiancee. Neither of us has spoken to anyone since then. "

10. I went to the school toilet yesterday, which is the kind where pits are connected and separated one by one. I lost a fifty-cent coin when I took off my pants. I feel a little distressed and can't continue to take off my pants. I broke down again. My heart is broken! Then a sentence came from the pit behind: "Shit, you think this is a wishing pool!" " "

Daily joke segment selection 2:

1. Chinese Americans and Jews drink together. Three flies flew into their drinks. Americans drank an important drink, but China ignored it and drank it. The Jew grabbed the fly and shouted, "Spit it out! Spit out your drink! "

After the two mice got married, the mother mouse became more and more arrogant. One night, the male mouse wanted to scare her, so he went to the door to learn to meow. The wife was not only not afraid, but also said softly, "Mao Ge, stop screaming, my husband hasn't gone on a business trip yet."

The father said sternly to his daughter's boyfriend, "You only take my daughter to the movies every day, can't you do something else?" The young man was surprised and happy: "You mean you can do other things?"

Grandma exclaimed after watching the Olympic 100-meter race: "It's really scary! Several coal diggers knelt in a row, one with a gun to shoot. They shot without aiming, and the children scared that one away! The rope can't stop! "

A foreign tourist visited the orchard and boasted as he walked: "In our country, oranges look like football and banana trees look like iron towers." He tripped over a pile of watermelons. A fruit grower shouted, "Be careful of our grapes!"

6. Being hungry and doing well is called losing weight; If you pinch well, it is called massage; Being in a daze, doing well is called profound; Being lazy and doing well is called enjoyment; Persistence is called persistence when it is done well.

7. Two birds saw a hunter aiming at them. One said, "You protect the scene and I'll call the police!" "

8. Two drunks were driving at a gallop. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. " B: "What? Aren't you driving? "

9. A farmer's daughter is so ugly that he has to let her be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.

10. "I like to get to the bottom of it since I was a child. My wish is to be a detective when I grow up. Now I am the editor-in-chief of a newspaper. What about you? "

"I like to play since I was a child. When I grow up, my wish is to go shopping with a lot of money. Now I am a bus conductor. "

Daily joke segment selection 3:

1. Once I suddenly thought of going swimming, I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket, because there were no other colors, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a ray of red came out of my lower body and rippled in the water. & amphellip An uncle swam past me, looked at the red blood under me and looked at my naked upper body. For an instant, his expression was very contradictory &; hellip& amphellip

Tell me about my childhood! Everyone knows the big 28 bicycles with beams! When I was four or five years old, I used to sit directly on the beam of my father's bike and sit sideways. After a long time, my feet would be numb and uncomfortable! Last time I went to grandma's house, I suggested sitting in the back seat, because my feet wouldn't get numb! Agreed! Haha, let's go! ! As a result, when we arrived at our destination, tragedy happened &; Hellip& amphellip's father forgot me, took his legs away from behind and swept me away &; hellip& amphellip

3. I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with low emotional intelligence finally met a girl he liked, and they just started dating. Once a girl was ill, and a boy accompanied her to the infirmary for intravenous drip. Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and nothing happened. Thinking of breaking the silence, the boy asked, "Is it cold?" "cold" and "cold, I'll cover you?" The girl blushed and whispered "Yes", then the boy got up&; Hellip& amphellip covers the drip bottle with his hand.

When I was a child, I always bullied my sister because of my age. One night, my father came to tuck us in and suddenly found my three-year-old sister sitting in the dark watching me sleep! "Why don't you sleep?" Dad asked. My sister quickly said, "Shh! Keep your voice down and hit her when she falls asleep! "

5. I have a classmate who is a disciple and feels a little possessed. School should do morning exercises in the morning, and he thinks that teachers must also get up early to do exercises, otherwise it is unfair. So I went directly to consult with the principal. The headmaster paused and said, "Where are you from?" My classmate said affectionately, "I was sent by God to save you." Client:&; hellip； & amphellip

6. This person is hard of hearing as soon as he gets old. I remember when I was a child at my grandmother's house, one morning my grandfather was going fishing and met the old man next door as soon as he went out. The old man said to my grandfather, "Go fishing!" My grandfather said, "No! I'm going fishing. " Then the old man said, "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I'm petrified & hellip& amphellip

7. I didn't pay attention to washing the dishes and dropped the bowl on the floor. Fortunately, I only lost a corner on the side and became a small gap. Then continue to wash the dishes. The right hand didn't pay attention and crossed & Hellip& amphellip is broken. I thought: Is it really that fast? I can break my hand. Then I tried it with my left hand and it broke. I thought to myself, that was fast. If this bowl is used for eating, wouldn't it be miserable? Then nc, I tried it with my mouth & hellip& amphellip I broke my lip&; hellip& amphellip

8. A couple on the bus, the woman let a pervert touch her, and her boyfriend was expressionless. After arriving at the station, her boyfriend pulled the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and took his girlfriend away. Analysis of the reasons for a website's voting. 75% people voted "This kid is waiting for his skills to cool down &; hellip& amphellip”

9. There is a steamed stuffed bun shop near the subway station. Business is very good, and people line up every day, next to a train ticket sales point. Queue up there to buy steamed buns today. When I was about to arrive, I heard two men behind me say, "Oh, so this is a steamed stuffed bun shop, which sells train tickets &; Hellip& amphellip, over there! "

10. Just sent a drunk buddy home, and the man called for a massage along the way. Sent to the door, his wife's friends looked up and down and said to me, "this &; Hellip& amphellip, this & hellip； & amphellip This young lady is really like my wife, hehe. " I saw her wife's face twitching, and it was inconvenient to see me present. Help him into the living room with me. He said he had to go to the bathroom, so he went in by himself. After seeing his wife, he took a phone call and left angrily. Just wondering, this guy came out of the toilet and said to me, "I just called my wife and said that the company will not go back after working overtime."

Daily joke segment selection 4:

1. Go home at night and hear crying in the alley. When I got closer, it turned out to be a disheveled woman crying. Asked what happened, the young lady replied, "I was violated by a pervert!" " Me: Are you all right? "The young lady replied," He suddenly grabbed my chest from behind and then let me go&; Hellip& amphellip "I:" Then why are you crying? " The young lady replied, "Because &; That pervert of hellip& amphellip actually said that it's bad luck to have a man. "

2. A gecko strayed into the crocodile pond. When he died, the gecko used his quick wits, hugged the crocodile and shouted, "Mom!" " The crocodile was shocked and immediately burst into tears: "son, you are so thin, don't go to work again!" Take a break. "

A policeman went to Thailand to handle a case and called a young lady at night. After making love several times, the young lady has been touching the policeman's penis in his arms. The policeman was very comfortable and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Melancholy miss: "no, I just miss." I used to have it. "

The boss sat there depressed after work, and the secretary asked why. Boss: "I received a letter from a guy yesterday saying that if I don't leave his wife, he will kill me!" " Secretary: "Just leave his wife! "Boss:" But that guy didn't sign! " "

Once, a very bad eunuch stopped Ji Xiaolan and asked him to tell a joke. Ji Xiaolan said, "Once upon a time, there was a man." Then there was a long silence, and the eunuch couldn't help asking, "What's next?" Ji Xiaolan replied: "There is nothing down there!"

6. Passing by a bank, four or five men came over and suddenly coughed together. I suddenly thought it was a code word to grab, so I was nervous! As a result, they coughed and walked past. Then I started coughing with a woman! It's not an infectious disease, t virus or something, is it? A little scared! What's going on Until I got to the place where they started coughing, I also coughed! ! ! Shit, whose cooking is so choking pepper.

7. When a male colleague and a female colleague were joking, the male accidentally sprayed perfume into the female's eyes, and the female burst into tears. The man boldly said, "Nothing, I will support you all my life!" " It happened that the man's girlfriend came to pick him up from work and heard this sentence at the door. Without waiting for his girlfriend to speak, the man decisively pulled his female colleague to his girlfriend and said, "Come, call mom!" " "

8. I once went to the dungeon and drew a picture with the warriors &; Half an hour passed by hellip& amphellip, and suddenly a message came from the loudspeaker, which almost thundered me to death: students from the middle school attached to Zhejiang XX Mine, the principal is here, run. hellip& amphellip

9. I went shopping at the weekend and bought a bottle of coke. I found an old woman following me closely, so I turned to her and asked her, "Why? Grandma. " She said, "I want the empty bottle in your hand." So I gave her the empty bottle. Who knows, after a long walk, I found that she was still following, and asked her in wonder, "Didn't I give you the bottle?" Anything else? "But she said," I don't believe you won't buy another bottle in such a hot day! " "

10. The teacher was giving a lecture and saw two students sleeping with their books on their pillows. One of them is an excellent student, and the other is a poor student. The teacher pulled the poor student up and scolded him: "you are a lazy guy." You sleep as soon as you read. You see people are reading books when they sleep. "

Daily joke segment selection 5:

1. One day in class, the teacher asked Xiaoli, "What is the motherland?" Xiaoli said, "Teacher, the motherland is my mother." The teacher said, "That's a good answer." Then the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "Xiao Ming, what is the motherland?" Xiao Ming said, "Teacher, the motherland is Xiaoli's mother."

2. A man knocked down a strange old man by motorcycle in downtown! That man was scared out of his wits! More and more people are watching! Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and cried in tears: "Dad, wait for me, I'll find a doctor for you!" " "After that, he ran. The old man struggled and shouted angrily, "Come back!" "Everyone expressed their feelings:" This son is really filial! "

Late at night, my husband didn't come back. The daughter is anxious to call her mother: "Mom! He hasn't come back yet, there must be another woman! " Mother comforted softly: "silly child, be good, don't think the worst, something may have happened!" " "

4. Several people are in the golf locker room. The cell phone rang for a long time, and a man pressed the hands-free button. Woman: "Honey, are you in the club?" Man: "Yes." Woman: "I saw a BMW, less than 2 million." Man: "buy." Woman: "and that property is listed again, 60 thousand yuan." Man: "buy." Woman: "I love you so much." Man: "I love you, too." Everyone next to him was dumbfounded with admiration. The man hung up the phone and asked, "Whose mobile phone is this?"

A frog called the priest and asked about his fate. The priest said, "Next year, a young girl will come to meet you." The frog jumped up happily: "Oh, really? Was it at the prince's wedding? " The priest said, "No, it's in her biology class next year."

6. There is a lazy man who is too lazy to be surprised. The wife wanted to shave the noodles and asked him to borrow the panel from his neighbor. He said, "if you don't borrow it, cut it on my back!" " "His wife finished cutting noodles on his back and asked him," Does it hurt? "He said," it hurts, and I'm too lazy to say anything. "

7. A new foreigner lives next door to a friend. One night, a foreigner knocked at the door for help and said, "My TV is broken and I can't change the channel." The buddy looked down at his watch and said calmly, "It will be fine after 7: 30."

8. On a business trip, just after leaving the station, an aunt came: "Young man, are you staying in a hotel?" I said, "No."My aunt immediately changed her ambiguous tone: "There is a little girl who is very beautiful." I was sweating like a pig and said, "There are no little girls." Aunt immediately changed her mouth: "Old maid, old maid also has it, it's cheaper." Sweat again and say, "I don't want a girl." Aunt was silent and whispered, "Well, there are boys!"

9. It is said that when we went to a technical school, our class was Class 8 of Mechanical and Electrical Engineering. One day, the school organized a tug-of-war competition. Our class competes with Class Two. Two hundred girls shouted overtime: "Machine two, come on&; Hellip& amphellip No.2, come on&; The girls in our class also learn to call "Jiba, come on&ah; Hellip& amphellip machine eight, come on&; Hellip& amphellip "Oh, my God.

10. After half a day's homework, I turned on the radio conveniently, and a gentle voice came out: "If my skin color is pink and my face is tender and soft, it means that I am healthy &; When I heard this, I couldn't help touching my face, looking in the mirror and smiling again, looking healthy and lovely. At this moment, I heard the announcer say, "All right, listeners, this time our lecture on pig raising is here."

After reading the daily jokes, I also saw the selected ones:

1. Selected classic jokes

2. Select humorous jokes

3. Classic jokes and jokes

4. Selected classic jokes

5. Select jokes and jokes