Complete works of jokes about journey to the west

Dear Kongkong:

I am Xiao Bai, who hit me three times last time. I miss you very much, but why have you been ignoring me? I understand that you only care about your master and protect him, but recently your second brother's meat is more valuable than yours, so you have to take care of two people. You are getting thinner and thinner and less like a monkey. You should pay attention to your health.

By the way, do you know who I am? What about white? It's only half right. White is my later identity. Actually, I'm your neighbor. It turns out that I am the little girl who always picks peaches for you when you are crushed under Wuzhishan. When I was young, you called me LOLI, remember? I like you very much since I was a child. Your melancholy eyes, sparse beard, especially your long hair, and your noble sentiment of eating peaches without spitting peach stones deeply touched me.

At that time, everything was wonderful. I didn't expect the years to be ruthless. Later, I became an old woman. I was ashamed to see you, so I became a demon. Although he became a monk halfway, he learned quickly. Now I can disguise my age and different roles, and I am not afraid of fairies. But after all, becoming a monk halfway, learning harder than others. Do you understand these?

Empty, what I do is for you. It took me two years to repeat the college entrance examination before I was admitted to the devil major. I was 82 years old when I was admitted to the university. The media also reported that I was the biggest college student, but the news was gone. Later, I saw that you were still at the foot of the mountain, so I read another blog, which took more than 385 years. Our tutor is really good. Let's talk about it later. I am much younger now than when I first came here. I look like 20 years old!

Empty, you know, I've had a hard time these years. In order not to let you say that I am old, I spent all my money on cosmetics (which is why I haven't been online for a long time). There are many cosmetics in the shopping mall now, such as Oprah, biotherm and H2O. By the way, I'll give you two bottles of men's products later. Nothing, just a little. Pretty petty. People are like this now!

Empty, I know you went out that day to accompany Mr. Tang to India for a holiday. You just got out of prison and found such a good job. I admire you so much. In order to meet you, I ran to the road and waited for you without my diploma. When I had no money, I went to live in a cave. There is no air conditioning in summer and no heating in winter, which is really unbearable.

Empty, after so many years, I didn't know what type you like, so I pretended to be a village girl to get close to you, but I thought you didn't like this type, so I shot it down with a stick. You are not young, so I thought you might like the older one. Just pretend to be an old girl in her 60 s, but I didn't expect you still don't like it. It's hard for me. If you don't like young and old, then you must like men. It takes a lot of effort to pretend to be a man. I hope I can succeed this time, but I didn't know you were still cold.

After careful analysis, I suspect that your master is present, and you are just embarrassed. In fact, what your master said may not be right. He said, "Man is born from his mother, and the devil is born from his mother." This sentence is wrong, at least my mother is a real human being. In addition, he sang "Only You" to show off his vibrato, and his sisters said it was disgusting. Don't learn.

Dear Kong, if you feel anything, I will wait for you in the coffee shop near Baigudong in three days. I was the one who was drinking soybean milk when you came in!

King of Little White Daughter Country who loves you: "Brother Tang Priest, please come with me!" " "

Tang Priest: "No! I am a Taoist. How can I do such a thing? " (steals a gulp of saliva)

King of Daughter Country: "What about your disciple?"

Tang Priest: "Well, as long as they are willing, I will never stop them."

King of the daughter country: "Good! Prime Minister, go and call some disciples of Elder Tang. "

(Several disciples come to the main hall)

People ask, "I wonder what the king and master want from us?"

Tang Priest: "The Queen wants to find a husband among you. What do you think? "

The Monkey King (jumping out first): "Master, my apprentice was crushed to death by Wuzhishan. Fortunately, I was saved by the master. I should have been wholeheartedly escorting Master to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures, but I made trouble in the Heavenly Palace and scolded Tathagata. Even if I go to the Western Heaven, the Tathagata will definitely give me hard shoes. It's only a matter of time before I get fired. I might as well stay here ... "

"Master," said Friar Sand, "Jason Wu used to be a general in rolling shutters, but after graduating from college, it's no problem to work in the Western Heaven. But now it's popular to do business in the sea. I studied fish farming in Liushahe for several years, and my daughter country is rich in water resources. I want to set up a fish farm in Zimu River to help my daughter country get rid of poverty as soon as possible, which is also called for by the corresponding countries! "

Bajie: "Master, the old pig is helpless, but he is willing to escort Master westward ... But every day, carrying water to cook and fertilizing the fields, these heavy tasks must be weighed on these weak shoulders. Master, do you have the heart? Is it true that monks pay attention to compassion? Although you can become a Buddha in the Western Heaven and have a house, what is it as long as you can share the worries for these poor women? If I don't go to hell, who will! ! ! Let me stay!

(The female officials in the audience are crying) Friar Sand and the Monkey King think: TNND! When did this idiot become so talkative?

Tang Priest: "I am embarrassed about this. All three of you have a chance to woo the queen. Whoever it is depends on your luck. "

The Monkey King: "I can change 72 times. I can ride a somersault cloud, make trouble in heaven, and fight Buddha. Strong body, never drink Huiren Shenbao. You follow me to somersault. Traveling to Europe and America, you don't have to buy a plane ticket, even your passport is saved! Hey, hey, are you tempted? "

King of Daughter Country: "Can you surf the Internet?"

The Monkey King: "Go online! I fell on the spider web when I was in the silk cave, and two sticks smashed the web, haha! "

King of Daughter Country: "Next!"

The Monkey King: "I am a national champion in boxing, stick fighting and Sanda, and I have a master's degree in raising horses and growing peaches ..."

King of Daughter Country: "Next!"

Friar Sand thinks that although I have a clever mouth, I was lucky enough to read a love book, A Chinese Odyssey, the day before yesterday. Hey, hey, hey, something special. So he stood in the middle of the hall with open hands ... Friar Sand sang:

Only you are the love in my heart!

Only you, let me forget to learn!

Only you are the love in my heart!

Only you ...

King of the daughter country: "Oh, you are a big man! Next! "

Friar Sand: "No! Please! "

King of the daughter country: "Good! Give you another chance, why do you love me? "

Friar Sand (exulting in my heart: Here comes the opportunity, I have recited this classic dialogue N times): "Do you need a reason to love someone?" Need it? Need it? Need it? Need it? "

Daughter country: "disorderly stick out!"

(Friar Sand hears vaguely in the disorderly stick: Our two-year-old children can recite these words! )

(the Monkey King watches Friar Sand being beaten out, then takes a look at Pig's nose and thinks: It's me this time? )

Bajie (walking slowly to the center of the hall, his face full of vicissitudes) slowly read: "Forget it, Internet. Moonlight night, short matsuoka. Next to the computer, I am getting dressed. Relatively quiet, only the keyboard is busy. Remember, Zhu Jun Lang. Raise your glass and sing in a low voice. On heroes, laugh at the vicissitudes of life, meet each other and hate each other, only the family is long. "

Suddenly screaming all over the house. The queen was about to speak when her eyes sparkled. ...

Pig: "so far, I have nothing to hide." I am the CEO of Bajie. Com, and the company will be listed in the United States in three months ... "

Suddenly screaming like thunder, 200 beautiful women fainted on the spot, and the remaining MM took out paper and pens and rushed to Bajie ... The queen worshiped heaven and earth with 0.0 1 second and went straight to the bridal chamber ... Then Tang Priest and others went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. This is another story.

I heard that the Monkey King's heart was full of jealousy. Later, he wrote a book called The Journey to the West under the pseudonym of Wu Cheng'en, deliberately omitting this paragraph and making Pig Bajie ugly, lazy and stupid, fooling the world. In fact, Pig Bajie is the most learned and handsome pig I have ever seen, and the first pig to go online in history! 1 Dear Wukong:

I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read quickly. We have moved, but the address hasn't changed, because we brought the house number when we moved. It rained twice this week, the first time for three days, and the second time for four days. Yesterday we went to buy pizza, and the clerk asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I said 8 yuan is enough, 12 yuan can't be eaten. The coat I sent you was afraid of being overweight, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket. Chang 'e was born, because I don't know if it's a man or a woman, so I don't know if you should be an uncle or an aunt. Finally, I wanted to send you money, but the envelope was sealed! 2 Summary of Tang Sanzang's Returning to the West Under the careful planning of Buddha Tathagata, under the specific guidance of Guanyin Bodhisattva, and with the active cooperation of various immortals, the four masters and apprentices with poor monks as the center lasted 14 years, with a journey of 108,000 Li and 81 difficulties. Finally, they obtained the Mahayana Sutra of Buddha and successfully completed the task of learning from it. In the process of learning from the scriptures, we always remember our responsibilities and cooperate with each other, and a large number of touching good deeds and deeds have emerged. The reason why we can get the true scriptures is mainly that we have achieved the following aspects on the way:

First, we attach great importance to it ideologically. Since I left the Tang King, I have attached great importance to this task ideologically. When I was alone, I experienced difficulties such as robbers, wild animals and bad weather. The taste is beyond words, but I never gave up ideologically. Because only by obtaining the true scriptures can one be saved, and only by obtaining the true scriptures can one become a Buddha.

Second, accelerate the transformation process. After receiving the task of getting scriptures, I began to change from a little monk who "rattled the bell every day" to a monk. We should not only change ourselves, but also change our disciples and monsters. Monkey Sun, a big disciple, was born in a wild mountain, didn't understand the truth, and had a criminal record. He once caused havoc in Heaven and disturbed the Jade Emperor. It's hard to make him change. I saved him at the foot of Wuzhishan and read him the sutra of my Buddha, which made him realize the seriousness of his mistake. After my patient persuasion and education and 30 times a day, he stayed with me and became my right-hand man. The second disciple, Zhu Bajie, used to be Marshal Tianpeng, but there was something wrong with his style. He was demoted to the world for molesting Chang 'e. I accepted him as an apprentice in Gaolaozhuang and told him that emptiness is color and color is emptiness, which changed him a lot. Later, I heard that some words were impulsive on the way, which was also caused by his six impurities and too deep external influence. It's all done behind my back. I don't know yet. The third disciple, Sha Wujing, was an overwhelming general who was banished to Liushahe, filled with resentment. The purpose of accepting him as a disciple is to eat all the people in front of him, turn him from a monster who eats Buddhist scriptures into a monk, and tell him not to have a hard time with the leader and speed up his transformation.

Third, it is reflected in action. Hold the attitude of having a Buddha's heart before becoming a Buddha, and restrain yourself with Buddha's behavior at any time and under any circumstances. The monsters we killed were actually just the tip of the iceberg, and more monsters sent me back under my persuasion. I mainly reason with them to make them understand right and wrong and their sins. There are too many specific examples, so I will omit them. Only those who are stubborn or have backgrounds are stubborn for a while, and as a result, they are eradicated by me and those with backgrounds are repatriated to their original owners. For the record, I didn't touch them.

Fourth, rewards and punishments are clear. Without strict discipline, there will be no internal unity, and if rewards and punishments are not clear, it will be impossible to convince the public. If you win the lottery on the way to learn from it, you must be punished! If you win the lottery, you can eat more, drink more and work less at night. You must not be soft-hearted when you are punished. When you were in Monkey King Thrice Defeats the Skeleton Demon, the Monkey King was disqualified from learning the scriptures. It's just that he usually does too much credit and is suspected of overstepping his authority.

Five, not for money, power, women. There are too many concrete examples of the temptation of money, power and sex on the way to learn from the scriptures. * * * Refused gold and silver 158654.27 yuan, refused power 76 times, refused women 144 times. Those are passing clouds, not what I need. Although it is absolutely impossible to learn from the scriptures without money, I still insist on being a vegetarian. Later, I heard that someone took the property under my name without authorization, but all of them were done without my knowledge. I don't know. If I find out who it is, I will deal with it seriously.

These are several aspects of my journey to learn from the scriptures, and they cannot represent all of them. My achievements are far more than that. By the way, under the command of the poor monk, the disciples also cooperated with a few little tricks.

Summary: Tang Sanzang