College Orientation Sketch Script

Script of the New Year Sketch "Misplacement"

Sketch "Misplacement"

Welcome to a university in Beijing

Character in the play: Admissions teacher ( Female),

Beijing Young Master (volunteer, boy, wearing armband, accent from Beijing movies, props: holding a thick black notebook in hand, long lines of key information can be read.),

Freshman A (male, Northeastern)

Freshman B (male, ethnic minority in Yunnan)

『The curtain opens: (eye-catching red banner "Computer Network Technology" "Department welcomes new students", a yellow sign under the banner reads "Look at the money at the payment desk →", with desks and chairs tilted to the right)

Beijing Young Master: (Standing between the sign and desk Meanwhile, he shouted with a playful smile, like a vegetable vendor) Welcome, welcome new classmates! You are welcome to pay. Please pay here - (referring to the female teacher at the desk) Once you pay the fee, you are registered! After registering, you will receive your dormitory key! Pay the fee. After paying the fee, you will receive the new book (repeat the previous shouting)... After receiving the new book, you will receive the diploma. After receiving the diploma, you will definitely be a senior "white-collar worker"... …

Female teacher: (from the left, holding a briefcase, hurriedly walked to the stage to face the audience) The work of recruiting new students has been busy and tiring in the past few days, but what is gratifying is that this The admission scores of this year's students have improved a lot compared to previous years. The proportion of students with scores between 500 and 600 accounts for as much as 30%. Good thing, good thing! The number of students enrolled has also increased significantly compared with last year, which is really gratifying! Our principles for recruiting new students are, firstly, the quality of freshmen, and secondly, to expand the scale. If both indicators break through, the work will not be in vain...

(The female teacher walked to the desk confidently and heard The volunteers yelled and looked back -)

Female teacher: (Sitting on the chair in front of the desk, tapping the table with her pen impatiently) I said hey, can't you be more serious? ! Hey - talking about you!

Beijing Young Master: (First he pretended not to hear and continued to chatter, then he smiled playfully and spoke in a Beijing-baiting tone) What's wrong? What do you mean about me? Isn’t this what you are shouting about? Why am I not serious?

Female teacher: What kind of accent do you have? It's outrageous to act like a fool! Let the new students see and hear how bad the impact is, and let the parents of the new students see you like this. Their first impression is - can they feel safe sending their children to our school? I thought - you are just a Beijing businessman who sells vegetables on a three-wheeler walking around the streets!

Beijing Young Master: Dealer? You really know how to joke, this is your style! Fan'er——(Stand out your chest, tense your muscles, sway your body, and pretend to be a "thinker" sculpture)

Female teacher: You think you are very cool, don't you? (Sudden difference) Hey, what grade and class are you in? Why haven't I seen you a few days ago? Why did you show up on the last day? As for you, you are still like this - Fan'er, rest now!

Master Beijing: No! 50 yuan per day is people’s currency! Rest - who will give us the subsidy?

Female teacher: What level and class are you in? What's the cross?

Master Beijing: I am a substitute.

I originally thought that volunteers were purely voluntary, and there was no benefit and no early support, so I didn’t sign up... Later, I heard from volunteers from the previous two days that the school gave each volunteer a subsidy of 50 yuan per day. ...How could I fail this? I asked them to leave! I'll fight for my share, I can't do anything for both of them... Besides, the school's affairs are our own business, who else could I do instead of fulfilling my obligations to the school? Do you think this is the truth? Hee hee...

Female teacher: Who told you about the subsidy? Return 50 yuan - the people's currency! ——It’s so money-obsessed! Volunteers, as the name suggests, perform their duties, and the subsidy does not matter at all! Did you let someone fool you?

Beijing Young Master: (thinking about the stage) Oh my god! Yeah? If this is really the case, my brother will be in big trouble! The two grandsons were clearly telling me that the school would subsidize 50 yuan per volunteer per day, and each of them volunteered for 5 days, which was 250 yuan each! I also teased them and said, why pay two hundred and fifty? What a silly number! So I "grabbed (four blasts)" the change. I planned to earn 2,500 yuan for each of them. The two of them pretended not to be happy, and asked me to treat them before they agreed...I said I would treat them with the money, but the two grandsons insisted on letting me treat them first and then share the profits. They even "told" me some bullshit business management theory, called What's coming? ——(Shaking his head and shaking his head) "If you are willing to let it go, if you are not willing to let it go, let it go first and then you will get it." Isn't that why they had a meal with their buddies at the Beijing Roast Duck in the university town last night! All in all, this is a trick for our buddy! It's over, it's over, this time I'm going to my grandma's house! (Hitting the black leather book with the back of his hand, spreading his hands——)...Our brothers turned into roast ducks this time——let them roast them alive! I also said they were 250, but who is the 250? I'm willing to give it up - I'm not willing to let it go - Brother, I'm reluctant to let it go - Huge loss... Who is 250? ! (Slaps chest) It turns out that this is how "Two Hundred and Five" was made! (High-fives, stomps, frustrated, walks to the left--) I've been totally taken advantage of! Water is coming in! Water is coming in! This time it’s really waterlogged!

Female teacher: (stopping the volunteer) Hey! Classmate, let me ask you which level and class you are in? What's your name?

Master Beijing: Two hundred and five! Taken advantage of! You can call it whatever you want! Annoying...

Female teacher: Who are you annoying? I said, do you have any serious ones?

Beijing Young Master: (Suddenly enlightened! Acting strangely, standing at attention and saluting) Report to the teacher! My name is Liu Sanji! ——The Liu of Wen Dao Liu, the three of one, two, three, auspicious and wishful, the screen name is "Beijing Young Master".

You can count me as a grade 06 or a freshman as grade 07...

Female teacher: How do you say this?

Beijing Young Master: I was originally in Grade 06. Because my class attendance rate was too low, I failed all five courses in the final exam. Counting the first and fifteen make-up exams, I failed all of them! Also, I had received a warning and a probation, and finally, finally - so I repeated the grade... Report completed!

Female teacher: Hahahaha... Okay, I don’t blame you, I don’t blame you... Your name is Liu Ji - squatting in class and repeating the grade - what does squatting in class mean, three times? Work three shifts! Wow, you are so beautiful! Your name has the same sound and rhymes with you. The name your parents gave you has a profound meaning!

Beijing Young Master: (Seriously and unsmilingly, counting 1234567ABCDEFG on his fingers——) Don’t make fun of me. Brother, you can correctly understand and treat repeating a grade. I have officially announced to my class teacher and counselor that I Three comments:

Firstly, I don’t blame my parents for giving me a blind name by a blind fortune teller after giving birth to me;

Secondly, I don’t blame the teacher. Poor teaching - if you think about it, if you fail in English you can blame the English teacher for not teaching well, if you fail mathematics you can blame the math teacher for not teaching well, if you fail in computer application you can blame the computer teacher for not teaching well... Our failure in every aspect is naturally down to us, what do you think?

The third thing is, A: I never remember my head being covered by a door (like a door covering); B: I have never had water in my head (like patting a watermelon, making a pat on the head) (like, making a "bang bang" sound from the mouth); C: I have never been kicked by a donkey (kick with my feet); D: I have never been kissed by a pig (hum - tsk)... Later, I finally figured it out. : Not every student in this grade has such an opportunity in the first two years. If I stay in one class, I will learn very solidly. I will definitely be able to compete with the freshmen. I will definitely be the best - do you understand? This is called "comparative advantage", which is not mentioned. To tell you the truth, I have been in the first grade of elementary school for two years, the first grade of middle school for two years, and this time I have been in the first grade of college for two more years - it’s a comparison, just like building the foundation for your house, Sanqi People can survive by tamping the dust three times, but yours can tamp it nine times - just to make it strong! What do you think?

Female teacher: (holding the gun as if white) Your family has only pounded it nine times! (Overjoyed) You are really poor - you are about to catch up with Zhang Damin, a poor talker!

Beijing Young Master: (scolds himself and slaps his mouth) Bah, bah, bah! Count it as a slip of the tongue, count it as a slip of the tongue! I mean, I’ll pound it nine times by myself. Isn’t it enough if I pound it nine times by myself? ...Don't be angry! Don't be angry! Are you saying that I look like Zhang Damin in the TV series "Poor-tongued Zhang Damin"? he? Cut (a modal particle of contempt)! Zhang Damin is just like a "hutong kid" in Beijing. Rather than saying that he has a good attitude, it is better to say that he has no pursuit. It is better to die than to live! First, when people needed him to be a model worker, he was a model worker; later, when they fired him, he was laid off. He had no idea, was confused, and didn't want to eat the next meal... boring! What was especially boring was that when the TV series was a hit, Beijing was packed with people. What kind of quality do you think this audience has (imitating the tone of a crazy stoner)? ! The small citizen groups in today's society are in a state of collective unconsciousness! I heard that "Poor Mouth Zhang Damin" has won any awards, which is even more sad and deplorable... What are we advocating now? In terms of its mainstream social consciousness? The group's aesthetic taste is vulgar and vulgar! The core values ??of society all focus on money!

Female teacher: Hey, I really didn’t realize it. You are very worried about the country and the people! Which department are you a student in? Who is the head of your department?

Master Beijing: Department Head? How do I know the dean of the department? It's not our turn to get to know such a high-ranking official. We're just a bit short of a rank, right? I know Teacher Gao...

Female teacher: Which Teacher Gao?

Beijing Young Master: (Looking for Gao Jing while facing the court, pointing his finger——) Over there, recruiting students over there! Do you know it? You must know him. She is the director of our department. I was originally a 06-level student in their department, but this time I transferred to your network department.

Teacher, what is your surname?

Female teacher: Don’t worry about my last name. I have to ask Teacher Gao, Teacher Gao! (Later muttering to himself) I have never seen anyone so dishonest... Teacher Gao!

Master Beijing: No, no... Teacher Gao is busy... You can't leave me!

Female teacher: How can you! We especially like students like you. Let me ask you, what is the word for "squatting and turning"?

Beijing Young Master: It means squatting in classes and repeating a grade. Another abbreviation for changing departments is "squatting and transferring"!

Female teacher: Do you know the word (zuǎn three times) by yourself?

Master Beijing: Yes!

Female teacher: I didn’t realize that you really have some language talent!

Beijing Young Master: (satisfied) Of course! If you want to use words accurately and concisely, the key is to grasp "accurate definition and summary" and "choose words carefully and concisely."

Female teacher: (gesturing to stop) Stop! Talking and talking, let me ask you how did Teacher Gao talk to you about "squatting-turning"?

Beijing Young Master: Teacher Gao said that he was seeking advice from a psychological counselor... He said that he would avoid obstacles in my mind... In fact, he was afraid that I would lose face by working in class, (imitating Song Dandan Baiyun's tone) "It hurts my self-esteem. ", change the department and let my buddy mix again.

Female teacher: (seriously surprised) Oh! So... did Teacher Gao really tell you that?

Master Beijing: Almost! The Ministry of Education and Engineering really showed respect to our buddy and approved the "squat transfer" matter! I will officially transfer to the Internet Department in the new school year. Teacher Gao asked me to contact Teacher Liu and the others because I am busy being a volunteer and I haven’t had time yet. That's it - I'm considered a freshman in level 07, (banner on finger), hey, it's fun - freshmen welcome new students, just look at you, new students, new department, new look!

Female teacher: (dizzy) What? ! --faint! What else did the psychological consultation say about you?

Beijing Young Master: It is said that my brain thinking has been in a state of "dissociation" and "nightmare" for a long time, the cerebral cortex is in a state of irregular excitement, and tension and anxiety are accompanied by delusional symptoms! To put it bluntly, it means that I am confused and confused all day long, and I always like to think about irrelevant things... and they also told me to take some vitamins ABCDE and so on...

Female teacher: What do you think? ?

Master Beijing: Wrong! Big mistake, absolutely wrong! It’s not an ordinary mistake! Worse than "Class 2"! (As if talking to himself) In fact, they don’t understand me, they don’t understand me at all. cough! "If you have few close friends, who will listen when your string is broken?"

(turning over the black leather book in his hand)

“——I often worry about Arab affairs. Bin Laden, why did he organize the al-Qaeda terrorist organization? Isn’t it based on the United States? Did all the so-called advanced countries led by them bully the Arabs? They first instigated the eight-year war between Iran and Iraq, then took advantage of Iraq's occupation of Kuwait to seize oil, attacked Iraq twice on the pretext of liberating Kuwait, and finally hanged and killed Saddam Hussein. ——It not only preserved the U.S. oil interests in Kuwait but also grabbed the oil in Iraq. Hey, it all belongs to the United States.

”——The “sap” that 911 gave “Uncle Sam” was really not worth. The White House vowed to bring those "hooligans" to justice. "Uncle Sam" used 911 to eradicate Afghanistan, and forced Pakistan to cooperate with counter-terrorism before allowing the temporary existence of a military dictatorship! To deceive the world's public opinion and force Iran to accept inspections and abandon its nuclear weapons - in fact, Iran does not have nuclear weapons at all, this is known to the whole world! ——Why does the United States do this? The purpose is to prevent Iran from becoming bigger and controlling oil in the Arab region!

“——Oil is of course very important to the U.S. economy, but there is a lot of oil underground in the United States. Even if it is not exploited, it is all used as strategic reserves. And the Bush family relied on the oil consortium to become the president of the United States. Bush Sr., George W. Bush has been president for four years, and the four governments have started war! The US arms dealers have made a fortune, and who benefits from the surge in oil prices? Most of the Arab oil companies have shares in American consortiums! The US government and consortia are not afraid of rising oil prices. Only at this price can the American conglomerates make a lot of money. The politics, military, diplomacy, and media public opinion in the United States all revolve around the word "pragmatism"-that is what it means-nothing can be gained early.

International law, human rights, moral bottom line, democratic politics, and the United Nations Charter - they are all deceiving others. Global hegemony is the ultimate goal of Americans.

Female teacher: (jokingly) Wow, you really know a lot!

Beijing Young Master: (Talk to himself, sometimes in pain) What worries me very much lately is the dispute and competition between China and Japan over the East China Sea oil fields. There are also Sino-US relations, Sino-Russian relations, and Taiwan Strait relations, which make me very worried...

Female teacher: If you say you cough, you will gasp! Then why don't you study international relations? Do you find it interesting to hang out with us? Don't you think it's a bit of a polar opposite? You have too many interests and they are messy... Since you have gone to this school, you should study your majors, specialize in your skills, and find a job after graduation so that you can make a living. If you can't learn the most basic survival skills, everything will be empty talk! Archimedes said, as long as you give me a fulcrum, I can move the entire earth! But many times the world is simple and cruel. For many people, Archimedes’ fulcrum is steamed buns and rice and nothing else! I'm worried about you! Have you ever heard of "cultivate one's moral character - regulate one's family - govern the country - bring peace to the world"? The levels and logic here cannot be messed up. And “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Beijing Master: Yes, yes...

Female Teacher: Yes, yes! ——Right to what? The root of all your problems is misalignment! Dislocation - understand?

Beijing Young Master: My overall quality is high!

Female teacher: Let’s see who you compare with...

『Voiceover: Hey! Where can I register for the Department of Network Technology? I major in network technology!

Master Beijing: Teacher, new students are here!

Female teacher: (returns to seat and sits upright) Come and greet me quickly, go!

Freshman A: (Northeastern accent, carrying luggage) Where can I register for the Network Technology Department?

Freshman B: (Yunnan minority youth stumbled forward, panting) I am, I am, I am too!

Beijing Young Master: (Make a gesture of traffic police directing vehicles to move forward) Freshmen of the Department of Network Technology must queue up here to complete the formalities! Come on, you!

(Freshman B ran over Freshman A, and A grabbed B)

Freshman A: (to Freshman B) Where are you from?

Freshman B: (Chatting with A on stage) I’m from Yunnan.

Freshman A: From Yunnan? Yunnan is in Kunming, right?

Freshman B: Well, Yunnan is the provincial capital of Kunming!

Freshman A: Have you freed up your knot?

Freshman B: No liberation! We carry guns with us to school every day.

Freshman A: Wow! Carrying a gun to school is so cool!

(Young Master from Beijing comes forward)

Young Master from Beijing: (To Freshman B) I said, I still want to go to Urumqi, but it’s just inconvenient if I don’t know anyone. Today we are buddies. Son, can I stay at your house then?

Freshman B: OK, let’s go to Urumqi, just far away!

Master Beijing: It’s fine if you stay far away. What kind of house do you live in?

New student B: Bamboo House.

Freshman A: I want to go too!

Master Beijing: Your family will live on the second floor, and we will live on the first floor.

Freshman B: My family lives on the second floor and Donkey lives on the first floor. Where do you live Donkey?

Master Beijing: Huh?

Freshman A: What’s going on?

Master Beijing: Hey, curse! Let me ask you, how did you come to school when your home is so far away?

Freshman B: Came on a donkey!

Master Beijing: Impossible!

Freshman B: (seriously) Really. I first rode a donkey to Beijing, then sold the donkey, bought a plane ticket and flew to our school.

Freshman A: Go ahead!

Freshman B: Don’t believe it?

Beijing Young Master, Freshman A: (***) I don’t believe it! Definitely don’t believe it! I won't believe it even to death!

(Grabbed Freshman B as if to beat him)

Freshman B: (Pointing to the red and sore spot on his face) If you don’t believe it, look at my face, because the donkey——was beaten. !

Freshman A: (Rolling up his arms and sleeves) Who did it?

Beijing Young Master: Did you get tired of having sex with a girl at the airport and get beaten up?

Freshman B: (immersed in romance, deeply) I fell in love with a girl in Beijing. I led the donkey and chased her, and said to the girl sincerely, "I love you, and I am willing to give you my life." My life and all my possessions are dedicated to you." All I can offer is my donkey, which is all my property! I am sincere, I am not wrong at all, I did not deceive the girl, I gave my love, and I can be responsible for the girl, I can go through fire and water for the girl without hesitation... But the girl didn't appreciate it at all, she said I disgusted her so much that she wished she could kick me and the donkey away.

Beijing Young Master, Freshman A: (Looking at each other, speechless...)

Freshman B: I am still insisting on explaining to the girl, but a young man came from nowhere, and "bang" Punch me! Do you think I'm wrong? Where did I go wrong? This is how we express love in our hometown!

Freshman A: (Gathering his hands) Who is the person who hit you?

Freshman B: I don’t know my last name or where I went...

Beijing Young Master: (Wandering alone, thinking, suddenly having an epiphany) I fell in love with the wrong place, love Wrong time, wrong love, wrong love, wrong way, this is misplacement - misplacement, do you understand? ! It can also be said to be a wrong love...

Female teacher: Liu Sanji! Are they here to report? Ask them to go through the formalities! Why are you so poor like others?

Beijing Young Master: (Pushing Freshman B) You go through the formalities first! Let’s talk later...

(Freshman B walks towards the female teacher)

Beijing Young Master: (to Freshman A) Dude, where are you from?

New student A: The guy from Arctic Village (silver).

Master Beijing: (Looking through the black leather book, pretending to be knowledgeable) I know the North Pole, which is located at 66.5 degrees north latitude on the earth. The Arctic region refers to the area near the North Pole and within the Arctic Circle. The Arctic Ocean (the script of this sketch comes from the Pangdan Sketch Collection www.pangdan.com) is a vast frozen ocean, surrounded by numerous islands and coastal areas in northern North America and Asia. ...A few days ago, a Russian navy submarine went to the North Pole and planted the Russian flag on the seabed where the continental shelf extends! Declares that the Arctic is Russian territory and territorial waters. Canada also declares that the Arctic belongs to them. Article 76 of the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea clearly stipulates the definition of "continental shelf": "The continental shelf of a coastal state includes all natural extensions of its land territory beyond its territorial sea and extends to the seabed area at the outer edge of the continent. The seabed and subsoil... Norway in the Arctic Circle has given up, and the United Kingdom has also sent reconnaissance planes to hover over the Arctic! Germany also protested! After Russia and Canada successively claimed ownership of the Arctic continental shelf, the U.S. Coast Guard An icebreaker named "Healy" will set off on August 17 to conduct seafloor mapping work in the Arctic to find basis for the US government's claims to sovereignty in the Arctic.

Freshman A: Why haven’t I heard about it?

Beijing Master: Did you import it?

Freshman A: (A little anxious) Why are you so polite?

Master Beijing: (Looking through the black leather book) That shouldn’t be the case! Let me check, oh, misunderstanding!

New student A: Yeah

Master Beijing: (Reading from the black leather book) Arctic Village was originally called Mohe Village...

Freshman A: Yeah.

Master Beijing: It’s mainland my country. The northernmost Linjiang town.

Located at the foot of Qixing Mountain at the northern foot of the Daxinganling Mountains in Heilongjiang Province, with a latitude as high as 53°33′30″, it is across the river from Igna Enyino Village in Amur Prefecture, Russia in the north. Arctic Village means the northernmost point in China, and is connected to the North Pole of the Earth. It’s still across from Russia!

Freshman A: Oh!

Master Beijing: Listen to me, every day around the summer solstice! It is almost daytime 24 hours a day. Looking north at midnight, the sky turns white, like evening or dawn. People can play chess and basketball outdoors. If you are lucky, you can see the magnificent and colorful Northern Lights. The vast Heilongjiang River flows by the village. The river is rich in precious cold-water fish such as Zheluo, Xianlin, Chongchuan, and Anchovy. The river fish is stewed in the river water. The taste and beauty of the fish are unparalleled. Hanging fish and fishing on the river are endless fun. In winter, cutting through the ice on the frozen river surface and pulling out fresh fish from the ice holes adds to the fun of the North.

Freshman A: Yeah, yeah!

Beijing Master: (Intoxicated, reciting) Ah, Arctic Village! It’s so charming! Hey, buddy, I’ll come to you during the winter vacation. How is home?

Hmm!

Beijing Young Master: Keep your word!

(Beijing Young Master and Freshman A are hanging) Whoever is not allowed to change for a hundred years will hang himself! ”

Freshman B: (running back after completing the formalities) I’ll go too, I’ll go too!

(Three people hugging): Let’s go together! Yeah!

Female teacher: Next!

(Freshman A walks towards the female teacher)

Master Beijing: (To Freshman B) I said, buddy, what happened to your donkey later? /p>

Freshman B: I sold the donkey.

Master Beijing: How much did it cost?

Freshman B:

Young Master from Beijing: One thousand?

Freshman B: Is it more or less?

Young Master from Beijing: Wow! A donkey makes a net profit of 950. Damn! ——What a business opportunity! Is it easy to buy donkeys over there?

Freshman B: Everyone raises donkeys, and no one wants to buy them. I wish someone would buy them! >Master Beijing: Then let’s start a donkey business!

Freshman B: Then we won’t go to school?

Master Beijing: If you can learn, you have to do business. Let me think about it. Let me think about it... This is a question!

Freshman A: (Running back after finishing the formalities) I’ll go too!

Freshman B: What are you going to do? Yeah?

Young master from Beijing: Oh, you are so big!

New student A: (Stunned, confused...)

(The three of them looked at each other, Suddenly they started fighting in unison): Yeah!

Female teacher: (walking from the right to the middle with a folder in her arm, talking to herself) This year’s enrollment is over. It is not easy to educate students. We are now born in the 90s. The new era, new students, and new characteristics are a problem that must be studied carefully... (He raises his glasses and faces the audience, muttering) I almost forgot, I have to go to Teacher Gao to ask clearly about "Squatting" "What on earth is going on!...Teacher Gao! Teacher Gao...

(End of the play)

Curtain call』