Bedroom jokes~~~Don’t be pornographic! ! urgent! Want it today

1. Once when our tennis team came back from training, Xiao An had just lost to Zhao Liang from our team in the training match. He was dissatisfied and always wanted to take the opportunity to take revenge.

It was eight o'clock in the evening, a busy time in front of the girls' dormitory building. As we walked past, Xiao An suddenly shouted: Girls in Building 7, listen, my name is Zhao Liang, I am from the law department. , I live in Room 115, Building 8, I love watching porn, and I also have hemorrhoids...

From then on, Zhao Liang became a celebrity in the school, and some girls actually came to ask if there was someone who really loved watching porn. Zhao Liang, who suffers from hemorrhoids...

2. The summer in Beijing is really hot. Even touching the bed feels hot. One evening, it had just cooled down a bit. I was sleeping soundly when I suddenly felt something was wrong. I suddenly opened my eyes. I happened to see my brother in the shop holding a sock and putting it on my head! I beat him up and threatened to take revenge! That night, after everyone fell asleep, I sat up. Except for the one who put the socks, everyone was still asleep and waiting for my revenge. Hey, I sat up and touched his bedside because he used an electric mattress in the winter and couldn't So I folded it and spread it underneath as a mat. I felt the plug and plugged it in for him. I turned it on to the maximum, and then everyone lay down. Within five minutes, he started to bake pancakes. After a while, he sat up with something in his mouth. Dudu: It’s so damn hot, damn, the bed is so hot. After saying that, he touched mine again and found that mine was very cold... Everyone burst into laughter afterwards.

3. One day, I went to the street with some brothers. At noon, I felt hungry. One brother said: I remember there is a very good restaurant here, and it also has a discount.

So everyone heard that when they arrived at the restaurant, the service was poor, the food was served slowly, several dishes were not available, they were terrible, and they were quite expensive. So everyone scolded the brother who recommended the restaurant, saying something about "zhe". This brother lowered his head and followed everyone out of the hotel. When he walked out of the door, he looked back and immediately fainted: Fuck, I thought it was "zhe". . It turned out that the word "Demolish" was written in big white pen on the wall of the hotel. He was scolded by everyone again.

4. I didn’t like going to class in the past and always tried every means to escape. It happened that our contract law teacher’s class was really boring, so only less than half of the people in his class attended. . He made a small report to the department, and the department sent someone to inform our class that they would be inspected in the next class and if anyone did not attend, they would be held accountable. I wanted to go to class, but I made an appointment with my GF to go to the movies, so I tentatively asked my brothers in the dormitory one by one if they would go to class tonight. The answers were all yes. Of course, they asked me and I said yes. As a result... no one in the class went to class that night, which made the teacher fuming. Later, our whole class was fined for extra classes.

5. The girlfriend of the boss of the dormitory has a lot of clothes, which she usually keeps in the closet of our dormitory. One day, the wind picked up and the weather suddenly turned cold, so I came to get clothes. The boss's wardrobe was inside, so he took a stool and stood on it. After a while, the boss took a coat and asked his girlfriend, do you want this? Girlfriend replied: I want it. After taking out a few more items, the boss said: That's enough. The girlfriend replied: It’s not enough, I have to ask for more... The boss got anxious and shouted: It’s not troublesome for you, I want more, my legs are weak.

7. Because I often skip classes, the teachers don’t know me very well. At the end of the first semester of my junior year, in order to prepare for the exam, I went to the classroom to prepare for the scope of the intellectual property law lecture. Unexpectedly, as soon as I sat down, the teacher called out: Hello, this classmate, we are going to do pre-exam tutoring here. If you want to go to self-study, please go to another classroom.

8. I played CS with my classmates a few days ago. When I went back, I was still discussing the situation. Lao Hei had a loud voice and was brooding about the defeat just now. He complained to Xiao Liang next to him and said: You idiot, the policeman was just there unpacking, wouldn't it be over if you gave him a knife?

As soon as we finished speaking, we heard someone beside us say: You guys, come here.

When I turned my head, I found a policeman looking at us eagerly.

Hurry over and explain that he almost became the murderer of the people's police, and he had to give Lao Hei a beating...

9. There is a man in our dormitory who often drinks cold water for himself. Show off your fearlessness. One day there was no water in our dormitory. We were all thirsty and looked for water everywhere, but the dormitory next to us was also short of water, so we had to endure it. Then he walked into the dormitory and said to us: It feels so good. I just drank some water from the toilet. We burst into laughter after hearing this, and it took him a while to react.

10. In my sophomore year, when I was about to take the exam, I was dragged into self-study in the evening. I found that the classroom was so crowded that there were no seats left. Just thought of a crooked trick. I strode up to the podium, picked up the chalk and wrote two big words: There are classes. There was a lot of chaos in the classroom. People who were studying in self-study stood up and packed their things and walked out of the classroom. I laughed at my buddy and said: What's going on, let's call the spirit... Just after two minutes, someone came in again. I pouted at him and said, there is a class. The man said: I know. I am the teacher who comes to teach. You are from the physics department, right? I am here to teach. Dizzy, it turns out there are really classes, it’s so exciting... just hide away...

11. An incident happened during my sophomore year. Several girls in our class rented a house and they returned home late one night. The middle-aged bald man is harassed by gangsters. We men were filled with righteous indignation and determined to protect the flowers. Another day, the moon was dark and the wind was high, we hid in an alley waiting for the pervert to appear. After a while, I saw a bald man coming hurriedly, so without saying a word, he slapped him in the face, and then dispersed.

The next day, the school loudspeaker broadcast said: "Last night, a teacher from the computer department was attacked by gangsters on his way home. Please pay attention to travel safety." Comparing the time and place, it was completely consistent with what we were doing. It matched, and I realized that I was in a state of panic all day long...

12. My father came to see me at school. He also brought a lot of food and warmly invited everyone to eat together. At this time, the whole dormitory suddenly became He was very introverted and declined politely. When I sent my dad off, he also asked his classmates to eat more of these things. I smiled and said: Dad, you are too ignorant. You don’t need to tell me these things. They all know.

Sure enough, when I returned to the dormitory, there was nothing but banana peels and empty lunch boxes. There is also a note on the table: XX, these things were brought by your father, and now they have dirty the dormitory environment, so you must sweep the floor and wash the lunch boxes...

13. The fourth kid in the dormitory is a glutton. It's hard to understand why we eat whatever we catch. One day, everyone in the dormitory made an appointment to go to Tieyan to watch a movie. The fourth brother changed his mind and went out for a late-night snack with his girlfriend, which made the brothers angry and had to deal with it. After turning off the lights, the brothers neatly stacked the purchased pea yellows and cut soap together, poured some sugar juice on them, and placed them on the table. Soon, the fourth child came back, humming a tune proudly. Who knows if this kid got some sweetness from his girlfriend again. As soon as he entered the room, the boy directly touched the table. Through the dim moonlight outside the window, he saw that his favorite Beijing snack, pea yellow, was on the table, so he immediately jumped on it and ate it. After just two chews, he spat it out. He kept saying "Bah" and muttered: "Isn't this pea yellow rotten? Why does it smell like this?" The brothers couldn't hold back their joy and said to him, "You are so good. What you are eating is the soap you usually wash your feet with."

The fourth child went to the toilet that night and vomited three times, and brushed his teeth for a long time...

14. My brother's image is relatively unsatisfactory to the audience, but he loves to peek at girls, so every day at noon After finishing the meal, he didn’t go back to the dormitory to eat. Instead, he squatted at the corner of the girls’ building and ate while watching the graceful figures coming and going. He never tired of it.

One day when summer vacation was about to begin, the man was eating in the corner of the building and looking at a beautiful woman. Suddenly he was tapped on the shoulder. When he turned around, it turned out to be a beautiful woman. He was overjoyed and overwhelmed, and began to fantasize about an affair. All sorts. Unexpectedly, the beautiful woman opened her mouth and said, "Fellow, we have some old books. Let's see how much they can be sold for."

My brother immediately ran away in shame and anger...

15. Xiao Chen, who lives in the dormitory opposite, usually air-dries his clothes naturally in order to save towels. Since the school started heating, I would wash my face with a pillow towel every morning, then hang it on the heater and sleep on it again at night.

Xiao Wang, who lives in the same dormitory, does not use pillows, so he downgrades his pillowcloth to a footcloth. He hangs it on the heater every day before going to bed, collects it and throws it into the basin in the morning. Because the time is different, nothing happened.

One day, my Northeastern buddies in the dormitory celebrated their birthday and we all went drinking together. After returning home, we washed our heads and fell asleep. When he woke up the next day, it was past the time for class. Xiao Chen stood up first, hurriedly picked up the pillow towel on the heater and went to wash his face. When Xiao Wang saw it, he immediately called him, "Hey, don't take it." Xiao Chen didn't hear clearly, he just agreed vaguely, wiped his face and ran away. When he arrived in the classroom, Xiao Wang said with an embarrassed look: Xiao Chen, you used my footcloth to wash your face. I have athlete's foot...

Xiao Chen almost fainted at that time, and what was even more surprising was that he came back and went to I smeared half a tube of Daxon on my face...

16. One day, I had a class in the evening and felt uncomfortable, so I took my friends to the audio-visual teacher on the top floor to smoke. There was no one there at night. When we tiptoed to the seventh floor, we found a pair of mandarin ducks engaged in a dual exchange of spirit and flesh. The girl's sweater had been pushed up to her chest, and the boy was immersed in work. I couldn't help but be dumbstruck, staring straight at it without moving. The girl screamed and the boy looked up, embarrassed. In fact, I was even more embarrassed. Someone managed to say: "Brothers, don't get me wrong, I just want to see if you have a fire? Go on, let's go." Then we all ran away and waited. It wasn’t until we ran to the classroom on the third floor that we realized what we were afraid of?

17. For a period of time, the school conducted night inspections, and anyone who returned to school in the middle of the night had to be registered. One day we went out for a drink, and when we came back, we were blocked by security at the school gate and asked to register. I picked up a pen and casually wrote down Wang Qiang, Department of Biochemistry (actually I am a lawyer, so naturally I am not called Wang Qiang). I just heard the security guard on the side keep talking, why are all the people coming back tonight from the biochemistry department? Are you doing an event? I agreed vaguely and slipped back to the dormitory. The next day, the school broadcast asked Wang Qiang, a grade 96 student in the Department of Biochemistry, to go to the student office. I was still very happy, where does this person exist? I made it up...

Later I heard that there really was such a person. He was called to the student office for no reason and asked why he was coming and going in the middle of the night. I went to school six or seven times... After hearing this, I became crazy and wondered why everyone was so uncreative. I also made a special study on why students who came home late like to claim to be from the biochemistry department... I still have no answer.

18. There was a classmate in the class at that time who was only one year older than me, but to be honest, he looked like he was about 40 years old with a vicissitudes of life and a simple face. Once when I went to an exhibition, when I was about to get off the bus, the conductor was checking my ticket. The classmate took out his monthly ticket and showed it to the conductor. The conductor said in an extremely exaggerated voice and tone: "Hey... how old are you? You're so embarrassed." "Using the student monthly pass?" I fainted at that time. My classmates are going crazy.

Another time, everyone played football in the physical education class and then went to take a shower together. At the place where the tickets were bought, when this buddy arrived, the aunt in charge of selling tickets looked at him and said, "3 yuan for migrant workers." , we fell together as a group. My classmate went crazy again.

19. When I first entered the university, we didn’t know each other very well, so we were quite reserved. Later, when a buddy celebrated his birthday, I called some people in their dormitory and bought some cold drinks. Two bottles of white wine were served. I smelled the smell next door and ran over to drink together. Later, buddies came in one after another... I can’t remember the last situation clearly. Anyway, it was said that there were 17 or 18 people in charge. After drinking eleven bottles of liquor, a buddy returned to the dormitory drunk. The door was closed (actually it was locked). He kicked it over and a hole appeared underneath (God knows where he got such strength), and then he committed suicide. He said to himself: "Why is the door so small?" Then he crawled in through the hole in full view of everyone.

There was also a buddy who was toasting with someone else. He was using a bird's nest coffee bottle. I don't know where he got the strength. As soon as he clinked the cups, the bottom fell off. So he held up a cup with a ventilated top and bottom and raised his head to drink. It was over. He told us calmly: I found that I drank more and more, just like drinking boiled water... (I fainted, his taste organ must be extraordinary)

20. Before graduation, Everyone was about to break up, so the buddies drank all day long, and got very drunk every time. The weather was hot, and they drank in a small restaurant one by one. Plus there were girls, so it was inconvenient for everyone. Their arms were exposed, so once they finished drinking, everyone took off their shirts. What's even more terrifying is that a buddy saw a puddle of water in front of him from yesterday's rain, and immediately ran over and lay down in it. He was so comfortable that he screamed: "It's so cool!" There was even one guy who actually wanted to run naked. I talked it over with a few people who were still relatively sober, and even pulled his pants hard, so that nothing happened. Later, when we passed a corner, we found that the famous nerd and the famous dinosaur in the class were hugging each other and crying. We didn't dare to disturb them, so we quietly took a detour...