Urgent for 50 English jokes ~ ~

When they pulled the absent-minded and half-dead professor out of the lake, he said angrily, "How absent-minded I am! I just remembered that I can swim. "

A forgetful professor

When people pulled the forgetful and half-dead professor out of the lake, he said angrily, "I am so forgetful." I just remembered that I can swim! " "

2. Father's motto

Teacher: My children, remember this proverb. "Give more to others and less to yourself."

Jack: This is my father's motto!

Teacher: How noble your father's quality is! What is his occupation?

Jack: He is a boxer.

Father's motto

Teacher: Children, remember this proverb: "More pains, less gains."

Jack: That's my father's motto!

Teacher: Your father is really a noble man! What does he do?

Jack: It's a boxer.

He was caught.

"Poloris was expelled from school for cheating."

"How come?"

"He was caught counting his ribs in a health examination."

He was caught.

"Polonius was fired for cheating."

"What is the reason?"

"In the physical examination, he counted his ribs and was found."

1, two bills

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, and the other is a sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I can't point it out, but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow, and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

two

The only bird

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a sparrow. Who can point out which is the swallow and which is the sparrow?

Student: I can't point it out, but I know the answer

Teacher: Please talk about it.

Student: The sparrow is next to the swallow, and the swallow is next to the sparrow.

2. Fishing nets

"Can you tell me what fishing nets are made of, Ann?"

"Many small holes tied together with ropes," the little girl replied.

fishnet

"Ann, can you tell me what the fishing net is made of?" The teacher asked.

"Fishing nets are made of many small holes tied together with ropes," the little girl replied.

3. New teacher

George came back from school on September 1st.

"George, what do you think of your new teacher?" His mother asked.

"Mom, I don't like her because she said that three plus three equals six, and then she said that two plus four equals six ..."

New teacher

On September 1 day, George came home from school.

George, do you like your new teacher? Mom asked.

"Mom, I don't like it, because she said that three plus three equals six, and later she said that two plus four equals six."

4. Physical examination

In a physics exam, Nick finished the first question quickly, while his classmates were still thinking hard.

The question is: when it thunders, why do we see lightning first and then hear thunder?

Nick's answer is: because our eyes are in front of our ears.

Physics examination

In a physics exam, while the students were still thinking hard, Nick quickly answered the first question.

The question is: Why do we always see the lightning first and then hear the thunder when it thunders?

Nick's answer is: because the eyes are in front and the ears are behind.

Teacher: Why are you late every morning?

Tom: Every time I pass the corner near the school, I see a sign that says "School-Go Slow".

Teacher: Why are you late every morning?

Tom: Every time I pass the corner of the school, I see a sign that says "School-Go Slow".

Do you know my job?

One night, a hotel caught fire and the people living in it ran out in their pajamas.

Two men stood outside watching the fire.

"Before I came out," said one, "I ran into some rooms and found a lot of money. People don't think about money when they are afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in the fire, the fire will burn it. So I took all the money I could find. No one will become poorer because I took them. "

"You don't know my job," said another.

"What's your job?"

"I am a policeman.

"Oh!" The first man shouted. He had a brainwave and said, "Do you know what I do?" "No," said the policeman.

"I am a writer. I always talk about things that have never happened. "

Translation: (simple translation by yourself)

Do you know what I do?

One night, a hotel caught fire, and the people living in this hotel ran out in their pajamas.

Two men stood outside, watching the fire.

"Before I came out," one of them said, "I ran into some rooms and found a lot of money. People don't think about money in fear. If someone leaves paper money in the fire, the fire will burn it to ashes. So I took all the money I could find. No one will become poorer because I took them. "

"You don't know what I do." Another said.

"What do you do?"

"I am a policeman."

"Oh!" The first man gave a cry. He had a brainwave and said, "Do you know what I do?" I don't know. The police said.

"I am a writer. I always like to make up stories that have never happened. "

Who is the laziest?

Father: Jack, I talked to your teacher today. Now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Jack: I don't know, Dad.

Father: Oh, think about it! When other boys and girls are reading and writing, who sits quietly and only watches how others write?

Jack: Our teacher, Dad.

A tiger caught a deer. A tiger caught a deer.

The tiger was going to eat the deer, so the deer scrambled to say, "You can't eat me." The tiger wanted to eat the deer. The deer quickly shouted, "You can't eat me?"

The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, and asked the deer, "Why can't I eat you?"? The tiger was surprised and asked the deer, "why can't I eat you?" "

The deer said, "Because I am a national second-class protected animal, you can't eat me anyway!" "

The deer said, "Because I am a national second-class protected animal, you can't eat me anyway!" " "

After listening to the deer, the tiger smiled and said, "haha, then I really should eat you!"

The tiger smiled and said, "Hehe, then I should eat more of you."

The deer asked, "Why?"

The deer said, "Why?"

"Because I am a national first-class protected animal," said the tiger proudly.

"Because I am a national first-class animal!" The tiger said proudly.

Two psychiatrists are in a meeting. "What is the most difficult case you have encountered?" One asks the other.

"I once had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world," his colleague replied. "He believes that an extremely rich uncle in South America will leave him a lot of money. He's been waiting for an opportunity all day? I believe the letter came from a fictional lawyer. He never goes out or does anything. He just sat there and waited. "

"What was the result?"

"That's an eight? Struggled for a year, but I finally cured him. Then the stupid letter arrived ... "

Two psychiatrists met at a meeting. One of them asked the other, "What's your toughest case?"

"I once had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world," his colleague replied. "He firmly believes that there is a monopoly uncle in South America who wants to leave him a legacy. He waited all day before receiving a confirmation letter from a fictional lawyer. He never goes out and does nothing, just sits and waits. "

"What was the result?"

"After eight years of hard work, I finally cured him. But just then, the ridiculous letter came ... "

A mean man's party

The notorious cheapskate finally decided to invite a guest. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Go up to 5 meters and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push it with your foot. "

"Why use my elbows and feet?"

"Oh dear," he replied, "you won't come empty-handed, will you? The miser's treat.

A notorious miser finally decided to invite a guest. Explaining to a friend how to find his home, he said, "You go up to the fifth floor, find the middle door, and then ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push it open with your feet. "

"Why use my elbows and feet?"

"Your hand has been taken as a gift. God, you won't come empty-handed, will you? " The miser replied.

I think I am a chicken.

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I am a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: since I was an egg!

Psychiatrist: What's the matter with you?

Patient: I think I am a chicken.

Psychiatrist: When did this start?

Patient: Since I was an egg.

Who is the laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I talked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, Dad.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think about it! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how others work?

Tom: Our teacher, Dad.

Chinese:

Father: Hey, Tom, I talked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest in your class?

Tom: I don't know, Dad.

Father: Oh, no, you know! Think about it, when other children are doing their homework and writing, who sits in class and just watches others do their homework?

Tom: Our teacher, Dad.

Old farmer Johnson is dying. The family stood by his bed. He whispered to his wife, "When I die, I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone from now on."

Johnson: "But I hope you can."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse trade!

Translation:

Old farmer Johnson is dying. His family are all standing by the bed. He whispered to his wife, "When I die, I want you to marry farmer Jones."

The wife said, "No, I can't marry anyone after you die."

Johnson: "But I hope you do."

Wife: "Why?"

Johnson: "Because Jones once cheated me in a horse deal."

(Interview with volunteers of Beijing 2008 Olympic Games)

Interviewer: First of all, can you explain why you are interested in this job?

Interviewee: Well, I think it is very meaningful to participate in such a special event. You know, what an honor it is to welcome overseas friends and make them feel at home!

Interviewer: Good. What do you do when a foreign guest asks for help?

Interviewee: It's easy. I will try my best to help them! If they ask for directions, I will make sure they know where they are on the map, and then point them in the right direction. If they need entertainment advice, I will show them around. If they are short of money, I will … give them money!

Interviewer: Give them money? Are you sure? Why not give me some?

Interviewee: Hehe ... Sorry, that was a mistake. I mean I will try my best to help them.

Interviewer: Your idea is right and your attitude is good. By the way, what would you do if you met some unfriendly guests with unreasonable demands?

Interviewee: Well, in that case, I will keep calm and politely explain why I can't provide more help. Trust me. I will be able to find a balance between being a good host of foreigners and maintaining the dignity, virtue and honor of our China tradition.

Reporter: I know this is a very delicate balance. I'm glad to see that you understand this-you're hired!

Interviewee: Really? Hoo-ray!

Interviewer: Behave yourself!

Interviewee: Oh, yes, sir! (written by Tina; Level: medium)

Welcome to Beijing in 2008.

Interview for recruiting volunteers for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games

Interviewer: First of all, please explain why you are interested in this job.

Applicant: Well, I think it is very meaningful to take part in a special historical event like the Beijing Olympic Games in person. You know, what an honor it is to have the opportunity to welcome international friends from all corners of the country and make them feel at home!

Interviewer: Good! So what do you do when a foreign guest asks you for help?

Applicant: Very simple. I will try my best to help them! If they are asking for directions, I promise to let them know exactly where they are on the map and then tell them how to get there. If they need some entertainment advice, I will show them around. If they are short of money, I will … give them money!

Interviewer: Give them money? Are you sure? Why not give me some first?

Interviewee: Hehe ... Sorry, I made a mistake. I mean, I will try my best to help them.

Interviewer: Your idea is correct and your attitude is good. By the way, what would you do if you met some unfriendly guests and made some unreasonable demands?

Applicant: Well, in this case, I will keep calm and politely explain to him why I can't provide this kind of help. Please believe me, I can find a balance between being a competent foreign guest host and safeguarding the dignity, virtue and reputation of our Chinese nation.

Reporter: I know this is a very delicate balance. I'm glad you understand that. You're accepted!

Interviewee: Really? Hooray!

Interviewer: Behave yourself!

Interviewee: Oh, yes!