What is the best joke you have ever heard?

The Dragon King is choosing Master Xu, but on one condition, he must weigh more than 500 Jin.

The lobster jumped on the scale, weighing only 1 kg, but shook its head.

The big scallop walked up and down helplessly.

The sea cucumber left and came down in the morning.

Octopus goes up and down.

When the tortoise climbed up, a 499 kg scale also came down, which was a pity for everyone, only 1 kg.

This is when the lobster finds the tortoise and says, "You weigh 499 Jin, and I weigh 1 Jin, which adds up to 500 Jin. You can be your husband and give me some benefits. As soon as the tortoise heard the truth, he said yes, but how to operate it? " The lobster said, "I hid it in your ear." That's a good idea. They reached an agreement. "

The tortoise climbed on the scale again, and this time she weighed enough. Everyone applauds the tortoise.

The dragon king thinks it's wrong. It was only 499 Jin just now, and it gained one Jin in a short time. So he asked the tortoise what was going on, and the tortoise refused to admit it. So the dragon king told the soldiers and crabs to search for turtles, and found a big lobster in his ear. The dragon master was furious. How dare you play tricks and cut it down?

The lobster knelt down and complained, and the dragon king was furious. He dares to use opportunism to complain. Where is the complaint?

I'm not opportunistic, Dragon King, said the lobster. I am telling a story to the tortoise.

I see. Did you laugh? I'm not swearing. If you haven't heard this joke, you can tell it to Doby at a friend's party to cheer him up.

In ancient times, there was an old couple whose family was very poor. One night, when I was sleeping, I forgot to close the door. The old lady told the old man to go out and shut the door. The old man said there was nothing valuable at home. What's the difference between closing the door or not?

At midnight, a thief came in The thief searched the old couple's house for a long time and found nothing. In the old couple's sleeping room, there is a small table with a rice jar under it. The thief reached into the rice jar and found that there was still a little rice in it. But the thief didn't bring any cloth bags. What are we doing? The thief had a brainwave. He put a new cotton-padded jacket stolen the day before yesterday on the ground and turned to move the rice jar. He wants to pour the rice in the rice jar on the cotton nest so that he can lift the four corners of the cotton-padded jacket and take the rice home.

The old man woke up before the thief came in. He looked around when he saw the thief sneaking around. When the thief turned to move the rice jar to pour rice, the old man lay on the edge of the bed, gently picked up the thief's cotton-padded jacket from the ground and put it on the pillow.

The thief poured the rice on the ground where the cotton-padded jacket was placed, leaned over and lifted the four corners of the cotton-padded jacket, put the rice in his pocket and left. But he felt around, only touched a pile of rice, but did not touch the cotton-padded jacket. In desperation, the thief whispered, "Alas! Why didn't you find my cotton-padded jacket? " It was not loud, but it was still heard by the sleeping old lady. The old lady pushed the old man sleeping next to her and asked if there was anyone talking in the room just now. Are there thieves at home? The old man said calmly, "No thief, no thief." The thief was very angry when he heard this sentence. He shouted at the old man, "Why are there no thieves?" How come there are no thieves? There are no thieves. What about my cotton-padded jacket? "

Laughing me to death.

A young couple who just got married soon, because his wife's company asked her to go to the United States on business, his wife came back and told her husband:

Honey. I'm going to America on business. Do you want me to come back and bring you some authentic American specialties?

The husband thought for a moment and replied, I'm afraid I said you don't agree.

The wife said, dear! As long as I can do it, I will definitely meet your requirements.

The husband smiled cunningly and said, then come back and help me bring back an authentic American girl! Can you do it?

The wife didn't answer: she just smiled sweetly at her husband!

A month later, his wife returned to China, and her husband asked, I asked you to bring me an authentic American girl. Did you bring it?

The wife said, look, I'm worried about you. I brought her back.

The husband asks urgently: Where is the girl? I didn't see it.

The wife patted her belly and said, it's in my belly!

Just the one I saw these days.

Let me tell you a vulgar joke. I know all the old drivers. If you really don't understand, you can ask me!

The three brothers traveled abroad, traveled independently, and booked hotels late at night, with only one big bed room.

Think about it, three brothers Are they all men or brothers? Sleep in a bed!

The boss sleeps in the middle, and the second child is around the third child.

The next morning, the boss woke up and turned to ask the second child, Brother, did you dream last night?

The second child's face turned red: Oh, I dreamed last night that I was with a beautiful woman. That's cool!

The boss turned to the third one and asked, Brother, have you ever had a dream?

The third child blushed: I had the same dream as the second brother, dreaming of being with a beautiful woman!

The second child and the third child asked the boss together: Brother, did you dream?

Boss: I dreamed that I skied!

I happen to have one in my mobile phone, which is my recent joke.

Xiaohua took her female colleague out of the company and happened to meet her neighbor, Uncle Zhang.

Grandpa: Xiaohua, your girlfriend is really beautiful!

The girl smiled shyly and wriggled.

Xiaohua: Uncle Zhang, this is not my girlfriend, this is my colleague!

Grandpa continued: This girl is really handsome. Is she twenty?

The girl was even more embarrassed, blushing shyly, twisting to one side and not talking.

Xiaohua smiled and explained: Uncle Zhang, you can't ask this casually. Go do your thing. I'll see you again when I have time!

Grandpa left with a smile.

Xiaohua turned her head and asked the girl, do you have twenty?

The girl smiled more shyly and said, damn it, don't you know I have twenty?

Xiaohua said inexplicably, how do I know if you have twenty? Don't slow down, I'm in a hurry to take a taxi.

The girl suddenly changed her face, took out 20 yuan from her wallet and left it to Xiaohua, muttering: mental derangement!

Xiaohua looked innocent and said angrily, if you have twenty, you will have twenty. What a cow! You're crazy!

Ha ha ha ha ha. . . . .

1. Seven years after graduation, I finally accepted a big project to build a 30-meter chimney. The construction period is two months, and the cost is 300,000, but it needs funds. It was finally finished at the end of last year. Today, people went to check and accept, and were scolded to death. They didn't have the money to laugh at you until you died. Shit! The drawings are upside down, and people are going to dig wells!

2. Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name? Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are called Xin. Just like some people are short of water, so they are called Miao, while others are short of wood, so they are called Sen. Dad: What do you think Sister Guo Jingjing is short of in this life?

I went to the dentist yesterday and found that the woman doctor who saw me was very nice. I think: Now that girls like money, I must find opportunities to show my strength. The doctor asked: The tooth is broken, should it be pulled out? I pretended to be nervous and asked, will it affect my driving Bentley if my tooth is pulled out? Doctor: That's all right. It's just a little air leakage when bragging.

I just lay down to sleep last night. My mother knocked at the door and said that my father had quarreled and came to squeeze with me ... After a few minutes, my father came to let me out and said that he would apologize to his mother. As soon as I walked out of the door, I heard the sound of the door lock inside ... then my dad said, go to my room and sleep ... I didn't know that the air conditioner in their room was broken until after I went there. ......

When Wukong saw the demon fog rolling, he quickly pulled out his hair and turned into seven or eight fake Tang Priests. Huang Paoguai couldn't tell the truth from the false, so he took it back to the cave and said to Princess Baihua: Madam, I brought the Tang Priest back and ate his flesh, so I can live forever! Princess Baihua was puzzled when she saw it. "Why are there seven?" Huang Paoguai said, "Maybe seven is a course of treatment. ...

6. Someone received an anonymous letter with the following contents: _ _ cigarette, _ _ prize, _ _ check, _ _ take, empty and _ _ sign. It took him a long time to understand the meaning, so he had to ask his brother in the literature department for help. After reading it, the senior said to him with a serious face: Have you offended anyone recently? Be careful. He looked puzzled: Why? The senior brother said: Obviously, this letter means that you ... are short of cigarettes.

7. I just learned to ride a bike when I was a child. Before I knew it, I ran into the street. When I saw an old man walking in front of me, I felt I was going to bump into him. I shouted, "Don't move, don't move." The old man really stood there motionless for a while, then I turned and ran into him. The old man stood up and said, "You aimed."

First, there is a person who often says the wrong thing and often jokes. Tomb-Sweeping Day once had a holiday party to eat and drink.

Eating, a young female colleague said to everyone: I lost my dog today, so angry. This man wants to say to this female colleague: I want to go with you after dinner. But it has been decided: I want to take a bath with you after dinner. The female colleague flushed and the table was full of laughter.

After a while, the man toasted another young female colleague and wanted to say, I am deeply honored to be able to drink at your table. As a result, he said: I am deeply honored to drink with you! Female colleagues refused to drink cups, and the whole table laughed.

After a while, the man picked up a pile of napkins, handed it to a male elder, and said, I know your old man never drinks, so I'll propose a toast to you today. I wish you a happy Tomb-Sweeping Day! The male elder took the stack of napkins and held it in his hand. He looked gloomy and said, Come on! All right! Okay？ The old man was in a daze, and the whole table was speechless.

Second, a very popular composition of a primary school student: "My Home" My family has my parents and me. Every morning, the three of us go our separate ways, and at night, we reach the same goal through different routes. Dad is an architect, pointing at the construction site every day; My mother is a shop assistant and comes to the counter every day. I am a student, and I am in a daze in the classroom every day. There are three people in our family with the same rotten tastes, and the family is harmonious. But when my grades are not good, my father will also fight with each other and beat me to the ground; My mother stood by, never trying to be brave, and sometimes even helped others. After I get the results of every exam, there are women's singles below 80 points, men's singles below 70 points and mixed doubles below 60 points. This is my home: a vibrant home! Teacher's comment: This idiom is not as good as the teacher's self-pity! I deeply sympathize with you. Your parents are made of iron, and so are you!

When the president of a bank went to Shaolin Temple for a visa, the abbot took out a stack of symbols and burned them. He said: "I burned 7,749 symbols for you, each symbol 1 0,000 yuan, with a discount of 40,000 yuan. You can't bargain with Bodhisattva, but you can swipe your card without cash. Amitov! " After that, I ordered a young monk to wait on the POS machine.

The governor took out a check, filled in 40,000 yuan, lit it with a lighter, and said, "Master, the Bodhisattva can receive it within one working day. Good good! "

A man was examined in a mental hospital. The doctor asked the patient to tell a story. So the patient began to speak:

There is a mental hospital with too many patients and not enough doctors. So the dean thought of an idea, that is, let the patients take care of the patients, and of course choose people with sound minds. So the dean came to the first floor. Which apple asked the patient: What is this? Most patients shook their heads and said, I don't know. Suddenly a patient raised his hand and said, it's an apple! The dean asked again: What is it for? The patient replied: food! Hearing this, the dean nodded and said, "You are the director on the first floor." .

Then, the dean came to the second floor again, holding this banana and asking the patient, what is this? Most of them shook their heads and said, I don't know. Then another patient stood up and said, this thing is a banana! The dean asked again: What is it for? The patient replied: food. Dean asks again: How to eat? The patient replied: Peel and eat! The dean pointed to him and said, you are the director on the second floor.

The dean came to the third floor, and then the dean took a small one with a handle. What was that again? The doctor who tested the patient spoke. It's called a phonograph! So the patient pointed to the doctor and said, you are the director of the third floor!