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A collection of hilarious Three Kingdoms, Water Margin and Journey to the West (long jokes)

The Story of the Three Kingdoms 1

Disclaimer: This article is for leisure only, and the author has no disrespect for Mr. Luo Guanzhong and other heroes!

Taoyuan Sanjieyi Episode 1

It is said that the general trend of the world, long-term peace, long-term peace will be divided. Emperor gaozu unified the world for hundreds of years, and it was his turn to divide it. At this time, a bandit named Zhang Jiao claimed to be a "heavenly general", taking the mountain as the king, looting houses everywhere and extorting protection money. He was just fooling around on his own hill. In fact, he was fooling around in Beijing and sent an email to the emperor, claiming that "the emperor will take turns to go to work next year and come to my house". The emperor was furious and ordered the provincial government to immediately recruit and prepare to destroy the opening angle. This is where the story begins.

The draft letter attracted many people to watch. Among these onlookers, there is a great man, surnamed Liu, whose single name is ready. He sighs, "Hey, bandits are so arrogant!" " "At this moment, someone patted Liu Bei on the shoulder, and then someone said," What a fart! "My Lao Zhang wanted to be a soldier from the age of five, but he didn't make it at the age of thirty-five. You don't sign up, but you sigh here! "

Looking back, Liu Bei saw a strong man with a black face, a full face of beard residue, naked upper body and a dragon tattooed on his chest. Liu Bei was surprised: "Isn't it Zhang Hongxing Yide?" The man said, "It's Zhang Fei!" Liu Bei gave him a hand and said, "Brother Fei has heard a lot about you. I saw him today, he is really extraordinary! " Just then, it began to rain, and people immediately parted. Liu Bei said, "Brother Fei, if you can afford it, let's go for a drink!" " Zhang Feiying replied: "All right!" They flew to a hotel and ordered two glasses of wine. At this time, the dragon on Zhang Fei actually melted away, and it turned out to be painted with paint! Liu Bei grabbed Zhang Fei and said angrily, "Say it! Who the fuck are you ? Why fake the name of Zhang Fei? " Zhang Fei punched Liu Bei, and Liu Bei hid in a flash, and then beat Zhang Fei to pieces with three fists and two feet. Liu Bei shouted, "Eat and drink in front of Lao Zi?" Zhang Fei begged for mercy: "Brother, please forgive me! My name is indeed Zhang Fei. I have the same name as Zhang Hongxing Fei, and I am somewhat similar to him. I often use his name to make a living, so ... "Liu Bei said," Lie to me, these two glasses of wine just now are 1980 authentic French Louis XVI, more than 30,000 cups. How do you count it? " Zhang Fei was surprised: "three ... more than 30 thousand?" Liu Bei said, "You have two ways to go now. One is to accompany me to see the police, and the other is to gamble with me from today. If you win, you will stop. If you lose, you will work for me, including room and board, without pay, for 80 years. It's up to you! " Zhang Fei said, "Gambling? What do you bet? " Liu Bei said, "The Age of Emperors!" Zhang Fei said, "I don't know anything about computers. I might as well bet on street fighters! " Liu Bei said, "Yes!" He took Zhang Fei to a game room and found a street fighter to start a duel. Zhang Fei * * * threw countless coins and didn't win a game. Zhang Fei said, "Big Brother, I am convinced to mix with you!" Liu Bei took out a piece of paper from his body and put it on the table. He said, "Sign it!" Zhang Fei said, "I can't read!" Liu Bei said, "Then press a handprint!" Zhang Fei pressed his handprint and asked, "Brother, which road are you on?" Liu Bei put away the paper and said, "Me? I am doing the right thing! Who here doesn't know my name is' Leather Shoes Liu'? My booth is nearby, let's go! " Then Liu Bei took Zhang Fei out of the door and came to a shoe stall. When the owner of the shoe stall saw Liu Bei, he smiled and said, "Brother Liu, I'll go first!" " Liu Bei said, "Thank you for your help!" Turning to Zhang Fei, he said, "Learn to shout first. Call me. " Then he cleared his throat and shouted, "New leather shoes! Jump off a building for sale! The last day! " Just after shouting, I saw a red-faced man walk to the booth, made a gesture, wiped his hair and said, "Have you paid the protection fee this month?" Liu Bei was surprised and said, "You ... just started out?" The big fellow shouted, "What do you mean? I, Guan Yu, have been wandering in rivers and lakes for decades. Who doesn't know! " Liu Bei said, "Who dares to charge me Liu Bei's protection fee in this street?" After punching the big fellow in the chest, the big fellow fell to the ground. Liu Bei was surprised and said, "My fist is really powerful!" The big fellow got up and knelt down: "Brother, please forgive me! I haven't eaten for more than ten days, so I made this decision. Brother, please spare me! " Liu Bei snorted: "Who doesn't know me in this street?" ! How dare you step on my head? Must be migrant workers? The big fellow said, "My name is Guan Yu, and I'm from the north." . "Liu Bei said," Are you interested in coming to our company? " Zhang Fei asked in a low voice, "Big Brother, do you still have a company?" Liu Bei whispered, "Cut the crap!" Guan Yu said, "I just can't eat it. Liu Bei took out a piece of paper and said, "If you sign this contract, you will join my company." "Guan Yu signed the contract without saying anything. Liu Bei put away the contract, and Zhang Fei said, "Brother, let's take a bow!" Liu Bei said, "Well, let's find a place first." Zhang Fei said, "My family has a Taoyuan, so let's go there!" Liu Guan has no opinion. Three people went to Zhang Fei's house and went to the backyard. Sure enough, the peach blossoms are in full bloom. Guan Yu shouted: "Why are flowers so red!" Zhang Fei took out three incense sticks from the room, lit them one by one, each holding one, and knelt on the ground. Three people said, "The sky is above and the earth is below. Today, the three of us took the oath in Taohuayuan. Share the blessings, share the difficulties, live and die together, and the world can be learned! " After saying his word, a group of officials rushed in from nowhere. The first one showed his certificate and shouted, "We are from 1 10. We received complaints from others that there was an illegal assembly here. Now that it proves to be true, we will be fined 3000. Who will give it to you? " The three of them flew around and shouted, "Don't look for me! ! ! "

English is "Laughing at Three Kings, Being at Home in the Four Seas, Traveling to the West and Recording" (a long joke) The Three Kingdoms Laughing Biography 1 Statement: This article is only for leisure after work, and the author has no disrespect for Mr. Luo Guanzhong and many heroes! The first volume of "Peach Blossom Garden" said that the situation in the world must be the same for a long time, and there must be points for a long time. China's high-impedance unified the world for hundreds of years, and it's time to split up. At this time, Zhang Jiao, a bandit, claimed to be "like a god", occupied the mountain, plundered everywhere and collected protection money indiscriminately. He also mixed in his own hill, but he actually mixed in the capital and sent an e-mail to the emperor, claiming that "the emperor has done it in turn and will make decisions for me next year". The emperor will be angry when he hears this, and ordered the provincial government to immediately recruit soldiers and prepare to destroy the opening angle. The story begins here. This imperial edict of conscription has aroused many people's onlookers. One of these people, surnamed Liu, was a big shot, and he sighed, "Hey, bandits are so rampant!" " Then Liu Bei was slapped on the shoulder by a man, and then he heard people say, "sigh a fart!" My Lao Zhang wanted to be a soldier from the age of five, but he didn't count until he was 35. You don't register, sighing that you are actually doing it here! " When Liu Bei looked back, he saw a good man with a dark face, a full face of stubble, naked to the waist and a striped dragon on his chest. Liu Bei was startled and said, "Could it be the wing virtue of Hong?" The man: "It is the fly!" " Liu Bei put his hands together and said, "Long Wenge is not a famous name. When I saw it today, it was really extraordinary!" This time the rain came unexpectedly and people dispersed immediately. Liu Bei said, "Brother Fei, I respect you. Let's have two drinks!" " Zhang Feiying said, "All right!" They rushed into a shop and ordered two glasses of wine. At this time, the dragon in the open diving posture actually melted, and it was originally painted with paint! Liu Bei held the fly away and was furious: "Say it! Who the fuck are you ? Why pretend to fly? " Zhang Fei punched Liu Bei, and Liu Bei hid with a flash, and then Zhang Fei couldn't move with three punches and two feet. Liu Bei shouted to clear the way: "Mix food and drink for dad?" Zhang Fei begged for mercy: "Brother, please forgive me! My real name is Kaifei. Fei, who has the same name as Hong, is somewhat similar to him, so he often borrows his name to make a living, so ... "Liu Bei said," It's just that these two glasses of wine were more than 30,000 cups of orthodox French Louis160 80 years ago. How do you calculate it? " Zhang Dui said, "Three ... More than thirty thousand?" Liu Bei said, "You have two choices now. One is to go to see striptease with me, and the other is to bet with me from today. You won and lost the right to speak. You will work for me, get food and shelter, and pay no wages. The time is 80 years. Youlook management! " Zhang Fei said, "Gambling? What bet? " Liu Bei said: "Imperial Age!" Zhang Fei said, "I don't know computers. I might as well bet on street fighters!" Liu Bei said, "Yes!" Then he opened a game room and found a street fighter's machine to start a duel. There were countless coin flips and I didn't win a game. Zhang Fei said: "Big Brother, I am convinced and mixed with you!" Liu Bei took out a piece of paper from his body and put it on the table, saying, "Just sign it!" Zhang Fei said, "I can't read!" Liu Bei said, "Then press the handprint!" Zhang Fei pressed his handprint and asked, "Brother, which road are you on?" Liu Bei took the paper and said, "Me? I stand in line! Who doesn't know my' leather shoes Liu' in this area? My booth is in the neighborhood, go! " With that, Liu Bei ordered a fly to go outside and walked to a booth selling shoes. When the shoe shop owner saw Liu Bei, he smiled and said, "Brother Liu, I'm leaving first! Liu Bei said, "Thank you for your help!" Zhang Fei said, "Learn to scream first." Talk to me. Then he cleared his throat and shouted, "New leather shoes!" Jumping off a building for sale! Last day! Just after shouting, I saw a red-faced young man come to the booth, put up a shape, wiped his hair and said, "Have you paid the protection fee this month?" Liu Bei was surprised and said, "You ... just started out? The guy shouted, "What do you mean?" I, Guan Yu, have been living as a vagrant fortune teller for decades. Some people don't know! Liu Bei said, "Who dares to charge me Liu Bei's protection money in this street?" When he said that he hit the guy in the chest with his fist, the guy fell down. Liu Bei was surprised and said, "My fist is so fierce! That guy got up, knelt down and scolded, "Brother, please forgive me!" I haven't eaten for several days, so I came up with this bad idea. Eldest brother forgave me! Liu Bei snorted: "Who doesn't know me in this street?"! You dare to step on my head on the spot, of course, foreign workers? " "My name is Guan Yu, and I come from the north." Liu Bei said, "Are you interested in coming to our company?" Kaifei asked in a low voice, "Big Brother, do you have a company, too?" Liu Bei scolded softly, "Cut the crap!" Guan Yu said, "Just eat and live." Liu Bei took out a piece of paper and said, "Then you signed this contract, even if you joined my company." Guan Yu signed the contract without any objection. When Liu Bei accepted the contract, Zhang Fei said, "Brother, let's worship a target!" Liu Bei said, "Well, let's find a place first." Zhang Fei said, "My family has a peach blossom garden. Let's go there!" Liu Guan two people have no opinion. Three people came to Zhang Fei's house and came to the backyard. The peach blossoms were really in full bloom. Guan Yu smiled and said, "Why are flowers so red!" Zhang took out three sticks of incense in the room, 1 1 lit them, and everyone took them and knelt on the ground. The three men said, "The sky is above, and the earth is below. Today, the three of me are sworn brothers, and we are destined to enjoy it together. If we are in trouble, we will share life and death together, and the world can learn from it!" After saying his word, a group of officials crashed in from nowhere. One of the leaders showed his identification and shouted, "We are 1 10. We received a complaint from others that there was an illegal assembly here, which has now been proved to be true, and we were fined 3,000 yuan. Any one of you scattered in all directions and shouted, "don't look for me!" ! ! "

Cut it yourself