Excuse me, who has a joke on stage?

There is such a person. Born in a poor rural area, but gifted and with a deep sense of humor, he has made a wide range of friends since he was 6 years old.

There are at least three beautiful mm chasing around all the time.

16 years old, went abroad for further study at Stanford University. In the first class, the teacher introduced the eight major mathematical problems in the world today, and will

It is written on the blackboard. Being late, he thought that the questions on the blackboard were homework left by the teacher. So three days later, he raised these questions.

Give the answer to the teacher and say, "Why did you do so much homework? It took me three days to finish. " The teacher's eyes

Stunned! In this way, eight mathematical problems in the world today have been solved.

/kloc-returned to China at the age of 0/7 to participate in the World Universiade and won the track and field decathlon champion. The 20-year-old doctor is about to graduate and has passed the exam.

Obtained n patents. The tutor advised him: "Don't go back, the environment here is good." "He refused. The tutor said: "There will be no doctor when you go back. "

Degree! "He bowed gently and went back to the dormitory to pack up and went home.

At the age of 20, he started a software company with his own patent. It went public in 3 years, entered the top 100 in 5 years, acquired Microsoft in 8 years, and entered 10 years.

Leap to the top of the world 100.

At the age of 30, I suddenly got bored, sold all my shares, lived in the United States, and wrote songs for Warner Bros. Records. 1 year

Later, he was officially hired as a producer by Warner Records. It was so successful that Warner occupied 80% of the world market. Known as 2 1 century flow

The father of music.

At this time, I felt that Warner's monopolistic behavior was disgusting, and my objection to the boss was rejected. Quit my job as an independent producer and show it to everyone.

Just don't do it for Warner. 1 year later, Warner Bros. Records Company declared bankruptcy.

Retired from the art world at the age of 40 and held a global farewell concert. A large number of stars attended and a large number of fans followed, which promoted the world economy.

The pattern has undergone the following changes: the world's strongest-Boeing; Second: McDonnell Douglas ........

At the age of 45, he invested in Venice, won the Serie A championship for five consecutive years and won the European Champions Cup for four years. Sell stocks at the age of 50 and go fishing in Hangzhou.

Fish live in seclusion. I found myself photographed in the world photography award "Fisherman".

At 55, he published a book about philosophy, ethics and aesthetics. Because of his beautiful writing style, he won the Nobel Prize in Literature of that year.

60-year-old parents died of cancer. Resolutely went deep into the people to find prescriptions, built a laboratory in Hangzhou two years later, and went online three years later.

A new drug can completely kill cancer cells in the body without side effects. In the meantime, there was a dispensing failure and it was found that the by-product could cure Ai.

Suffering from illness. He won the Nobel Prize in Medicine, but refused to accept it because the chairman of the prize was a racist.

At that time, the Royal Swedish Society announced that it would no longer select the Nobel Prize, and all the funds were donated to the International Anti-Racism Foundation.

At the age of 65, he was selected as one of the top ten outstanding figures in the world by the United Nations and invited by NASA to travel in space. Suddenly discovered Jupiter in space.

There was an unknown shadow on the planet. I went back to Earth and compiled an assembler to calculate and found the tenth largest planet in the solar system.

He married the most beautiful woman in Hollywood at the age of 70 and gave birth to quadruplets at the age of 7/kloc-0.

At the age of 80, the United States and the European Union exchanged nuclear bombs, and World War III broke out. He launched an anti-war movement and swam across the Pacific Ocean alone.

A reporter asked at the press conference, "Are you afraid of danger?" Answer "Nothing to be afraid of, just worrying about sharks." the four seas—the whole country

Fishermen mobilized spontaneously, and after 3 months, the wild sharks in the world were basically extinct.

It took three months to swim from Xiamen to Chile, and finally I was exhausted and sank into the sea. The United Nations did not raise the flag for a week to express its condolences, Europe

With the armistice between the United States and Taiwan Province Province, Gao Yi returned to the motherland. The world joint salvage team recovered the body in Chile and found it lying in ancient Maya.

Cultural shipwreck. There are billions of tons of gold in it, and the world financial order has undergone revolutionary changes since then.

Two years later, golden light appeared in the sky. The man flapped his wings, took an old man's hand, flew to the ground and pointed to the old man.

Say to the people in the world: "I can prove that God exists, and this old man is it."

God patted him on the shoulder and said to everyone in the world, "I'll count to three." You find a word to describe this person. If you are not satisfied, I will come. "

Destroy the world.

People all over the world say two words in unison:

"cow force! ! ! ! "

God laughed and pointed his hand, and solved the three major problems of energy, population and environment in the world, achieving a global scale.

* * * Within capitalism.

Second, the most handsome person.

It is said that when I was born, my father cried at the top of his voice for a month and a half. He doesn't believe that I inherited my child from his chromosome.

Son.

Later, in order to prove her innocence, the mother took her father to the hospital for paternity test. The doctor lifted the quilt, only looked at it and cried.

Come on, wipe your nose and say go home. This is not your son, nor does it belong to anyone. Humans can't give birth to such a handsome child. . . . . .

An intern nurse came over and immediately found a box of red inkpad with my fingerprints on it, which messed up my hair at once.

Open, muttering to me: long hair for you, I won't marry you in this life, I won't cut my long hair, I won't tidy up the ancient Buddha, I won't comb my hair in the boudoir. . . . . .

/kloc-When I was 0/5 years old, I was afraid to go to school. I haven't been to kindergarten for a long time. The children in the whole park are afraid to go.

Both the teacher and the director are crazy, and my face is swollen into a watermelon by the little girl.

The CCTV focus interview program group came to interview me. The beautiful girl who carried the camera fainted three times, and the little girl who was in charge of taking notes.

Sheng Sheng writes Chinese in Italian and Spanish.

Yesterday I walked into the street, and a group of beautiful women stopped me and asked, are you handsome? I said, I am not handsome. They came and hit me and called me hypocritical.

I walked on, and another group of beautiful women stopped me and asked, are you handsome? I remember last class, nodding and saying, I am handsome. They hit me again and said I was too modest.

Further on, another group of beautiful women stopped me and asked, are you handsome? Recalling my last two fates, I didn't answer. As soon as I bent down to leave, they rushed up and threw the bag at me crazily. The girl who hit me the hardest even swore: Shit! Your boy is handsome and dragged into this state!

Do you think I am handsome? Handsome is providence, cool is man-made, it's not my fault to be handsome, it's your own problem to like me.

Someone gave me a pair of couplets for the Spring Festival this year. The first couplet is: Look at the fans behind. The bottom line is: girls love to jump off buildings when they turn their heads. Horizontal batch: Shuai Shuai!

Breaking the world record every day means keeping the most handsome record in the world for another day.

A girl who met me said to me: If the world has only ten minutes, I will recall your handsome appearance with you. If the world has only two minutes, you should show me the most handsome shape again. If the world had only one minute, I would tell you 60 times-you are so handsome!

There is also a girl who stands at the door every morning, looking at me stupidly and whispering: There is no desert in the world, but every time I see your handsome appearance, a grain of sand will fall in the sky, and there will be Sahara from now on! It's the same sentence every day. One day, I was really bored and asked, how did so many deserts come from in the world? Oh, that's because there are too many girls who think you are handsome, so ..........

In short, I am so handsome, people say: the green mountains and green waters are so cute, and everyone likes me as a super handsome guy. Even my exam questions are like this:

Topic: Be the most handsome.

I don't need to do this. I already know.

Title: Make the ugliest appearance.

A: You don't have to do it. No matter what you do, it won't be ugly. ........

I am so handsome that I want to be disfigured. I am too handsome to go out again. ........

If being handsome is a crime, then I have committed a heinous crime. If being cool is a mistake, then I have made mistakes again and again. If I am smart, I will be punished. Then I won't be cut to pieces.

Bitter! Men are so miserable. As a handsome guy, I really feel bad!

I tried to kill myself several times because I was so handsome, but all the girls begged me: you are really handsome, but it depends on your courage to live. Handsome is not your intention, but God depends on how beautiful the world will be with you!

Idealism tells me: if I say you are handsome, you are handsome!

Materialism tells me: because you are handsome, I say you are handsome!

The United Nations allocated special funds to build a hiding place for me, located at the top of Mount Everest in the Himalayas, and I enjoyed the truth.

Clean and extremely boring, I stood at the top and shouted: I am not handsome! Suddenly, the voice of God came from the sky: No, it's you.

Lie. . . . . .

Later, World War III broke out and atomic bombs were used. After the explosion, because of me, I was the only one who survived in the world.

Protected in the nuclear protection zone, when I came out, the land was deserted, and there were desolations and ruins everywhere after the war. . . . . .

Suddenly, I found life on the ground! That's a cockroach! I picked up this cockroach with tears in my eyes, and the cockroach trembled all over.

When I saw it, there was a cockroach at my feet, all of which were females! On the other side of the coastline, all the male cockroaches are watching.

Dan. No one would have thought that the fourth world war on earth actually happened among cockroaches. . . . . .

Postscript: Tens of millions of years after my death, mankind was reborn. They repaired my bones and buried them in the North Pole, on my tombstone.

There is a cloud floating all year round, changing and changing, with only one word: handsome. . . . . .

Mom said my IQ was only 76.

Mom said my IQ was only 76. I don't know how high my IQ is I only know that I am a very lethal person. Many people have been hurt because of me. Some of them lost hope in life, and some even committed suicide. So I have always suspected that I have a potential superpower, and this superpower has had a particularly strong effect on my teacher for some reason.

I remember the first teacher who died because of me. At that time, I was in the first grade of primary school, and my teacher took us to the wild for a natural practice class. Seeing the spring breeze blowing green and the willows sprouting branches, the teacher couldn't help thinking of a question, so he asked, "Students, do you know how to tell the wind direction?" "I know!" A little girl in my class replied, picking up a leaf from the ground and throwing it into the air. "Pick up something and throw it into the air and watch it float there." "Well, that's good." The teacher praised, "Who else would like to show you again and see what wind is blowing now?" "me." I volunteered, picked up half a brick from the ground and threw it into the air. ...

"Teacher, it's blowing up and down now!" ……。

I can't remember clearly what the teacher looked like at that time. I only remember that he struggled a few times and then died. Later, according to the hospital doctor, he died because of sudden strong stimulation, which led to retrograde qi and blood. In this way, I killed a people's teacher

The first grade teacher taught us poultry and animals. Teacher: "There is an animal with two feet. Every morning when the sun comes out, it will wake you up and wake you up. What animal is it? "

I replied, "Mom!" Laughing so hard that the teacher almost died!

After I came home from the mid-term exam, my mother asked me how I did in the exam. My baby son said I didn't fill in any questions. My mother asked what it was. My precious son said, there is a question asking me how much I get by multiplying 7 by 3. I don't care. I filled in 15. My mother sprayed the water she just drank on my father's face. Hey ... I'm great!

My father asked me, "Is your female teacher satisfied with you?"

"Ah, yes, Dad, very satisfied."

"How do you know? Did she tell you herself? "

"Of course, dad. The day before yesterday, she said to me,' If all the students are like you, I will leave school at once!' This shows that I have learned everything! "My father's brain will be ready soon! @#$# @! $%$#@ @

One day in math class, the teacher asked 1+ 1=? , I said I don't know. The teacher asked me to ask. When I got home, I asked my mother first. My mother is cooking and asked me to go out. I asked my father who was watching the ball and shouted' cool'! I asked my sister, and she sang until the baby. I asked my brother, and he said on the phone, I will wait for you outside.

The next day, the teacher asked 1+ 1=? I said; Get out of here, the teacher slapped me, I shouted' cool', the teacher called me useless, and I called me mean. The teacher said; Get out. I said, I'll wait for you outside. Our math teacher suffered from hypertension again on the spot and fainted. .....

When primary school has Chinese class, all Chinese teachers in the school go to listen to Teacher Ni's class. Teacher Ni wrote a word "Bei" on the blackboard and asked me, "Do you know this word?" I answered "no", so Teacher Ni began to inspire me: "Do you have a bed at home?" I answered "Yes" and "What's on the bed?" "Summer sleeping mat" "Where is the summer sleeping mat?" I replied, "My mother", and Teacher Ni thought, this is also true. My mother was covered with a quilt, and I then inspired: "What about XX mother?" "My dad". Teacher Ni didn't expect me to say this. She made a fool of herself in front of so many teachers and asked anxiously, "What about the quilt?" I replied, "The quilt is on the ground." Teacher Ni was "caught" and I was so angry that I was hospitalized with lamb disease!

Later, a new teacher at school asked us to make sentences. I finished my homework calmly, and the teacher was impressed by me! The sentence I wrote is:

Sad-the ditch in front of our house is very sad.

If canned food is not as nutritious as fruit juice.

Naive-it's really hot today, and it's a good day for swimming.

Ten points-it's a pity that my sister only got ten points in the math exam.

Relax, I always start with simple things.

Ginseng-the teacher said that we should take part in the relay of the brigade tomorrow, so we must do our best.

Quilt-Xiaoyu's sanitary quilt was stolen.

Lunch-Xiaoming takes defecation as the first thing when he gets up every morning.

The teacher touched my head and said sternly, "Go home from school and strive for the article of 10. When no one comes home, he is ready to finish the homework assigned by the substitute teacher. When I went to the toilet, I began to paint the walls with feces. I painted the bathroom with ten strips, and I was satisfied with my homework before I stopped. " My family came back to scold me. The next day, my mother told the principal that the substitute teacher misunderstood the child. Later, the substitute teacher was fired. Alas ..... I said to myself in my heart, "I am very creative. Ugliness is not my intention. God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and set off the beauty of the world! ! ! ! ! ! ! "

One morning in class, when I was chewing gum, I put my feet on the aisle. Then the teacher said to me, "Please spit out your mouth and put your feet in." My brain: @ $ #% # "

In the days that followed, several teachers suffered misfortune one after another. Fortunately, no one died and there was no big leak. But my fame spread like wildfire and I became a celebrity in the city for a time.

However, celebrities also have the pain of celebrities, and I deeply realized this.

When I was in junior high school, the physics teacher asked me in physics class: You say, how to change tracks? Me: According to the Diamond Sutra, if a person does something bad in Yangshiguang, he will become a ghost after death! It turned out that the teacher was talking about how the satellite changed its orbit!

I was awakened by the teacher when I was sleeping in history class. The teacher asked me, "Who did Princess Wencheng marry?"

Little Wang Sheng told me, "Songzan Gambu." I didn't hear clearly, so I opened my mouth and answered, "Song Dynasty cadres."

Later, history failed.

One day, I came back from the barber shop to be cool. As soon as I opened the door, all the girls exclaimed, "Cool Brother is here!" I am embarrassed to scratch my head: "Where! Where! Just cut a cool head. " It happened that the headmaster passed by and said solemnly, "I want to pay for a trouser head!" " "Our brains are on horses! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Yeah, it's nothing. I walked to the dormitory and went downstairs from the girls' dormitory. I saw a good friend and boasted loudly, Look, I got a cool haircut. On the second floor, a girl immediately put her head out and said, my trousers, you took my trousers! ! ! ! !

The next day, the biology teacher brought a bird wrapped in cloth. Then he exposed the bird's legs and asked the students to guess what kind of bird it was. I really don't know, so I handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher looked very angry and asked, "Why did you hand in a blank sheet of paper?" What's your name? "When I heard this, I rolled up my trouser legs angrily and said," Now it's your turn to guess who I am? "The biology teacher immediately fell down.

My fame has caused me a lot of trouble. For the safety of teachers, all middle schools in the city refused to accept me. No way, I went to the countryside with infinite yearning for key middle schools. Although the conditions of middle schools in rural areas are a little bitter, I still live very comfortably without the pressure of public opinion. However, gold always shines, and the unique silence of rural middle schools did not restrain my outbreak. By chance, I was born again, suddenly emerged, and quickly occupied the rural market.

One day, I was late, and the teacher asked,' Why are you late today? I said: I took my neighbor's uncle's wild boar to breed in the morning, so I came late. Before the teacher finished listening, he opened his eyes wide and said, "This should be made by the uncle next door." I said inexplicably: "This must be a wild boar, and the uncle next door is not an animal!"

It was a quiz, and our class was tied with another class after the final. So the host announced the final decision: each class draws lots to send a representative. Two representatives will guess the coin again.

The right person asks the wrong person a question. If the wrong person answers correctly, the wrong person wins. On the other hand, the category set in which the correct guesser belongs wins. Spirit of heaven, spirit of the earth, my job is to hide. As a representative, I was drawn, successfully guessed the wrong coin and entered the question-and-answer stage. Teachers and classmates suddenly became nervous, and everyone looked at me with eager eyes. Teacher Li, in particular, looked heavy and said nothing. I also felt some pressure, but not because of this, but because of my opponent-Wang Xiaofo, who was the most powerful "teacher killer" in our school at that time, and he also saved several human cases. It is said that the last principal was destroyed in its hands. However, I still have some confidence, because in any case, I am also a person who has criticized. The problem begins.

Wang Xiaofo put his hands in his trouser pockets and said slowly, "My mother cooked some eggs in my pocket today. Do you know how many? " "hey!" There was an uproar around. I don't know why everyone is booing, but I know this question has aroused my great interest. Eggs! I hardly heard what he asked. I only heard the word "egg" clearly. You know, in the hard years in the countryside, there was almost nothing to eat. There are two eggs that are really delicious. I seem to see shiny egg whites and yellow yolk. "If I get it right, will you give me a meal?" I have long forgotten what quizzes and class honors are. I'm only interested in eggs, eggs! "If you get it right, I'll give you two eggs." "hey!" There is an uproar again. I saw the other classmate's face startled, and the classmates cheered and hugged each other to celebrate the victory. Miss Li also gave me a happy look. I don't know what they are happy about, but everyone is smiling at me. I smiled shyly at them and then answered, "Is it five dollars?"

The students' smiles suddenly stopped, and gradually, the ebb tide generally disappeared without a trace. Another classmate suddenly shouted and laughed. Things in this world change quickly. In a blink of an eye, everyone was crying and laughing and didn't know what to do. I haven't had time to think about what is going on. The meeting was suddenly in chaos. I saw a man lying on his back, spraying blood in his mouth, and then slowly fell down.

"Miss Li!"

"Miss Li!"

It's our head teacher! I rushed there, too. I saw the teacher pale, eyes closed and unconscious. "He killed Miss Li!"

"It's him!"

"It's him!"

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Swish swish swish swish swish! ! ! Angry eyes shot at me like sharp arrows.

My eyes went blank, and a voice came back to my ear: "Duo Long! Close the door! Let the dog go! Idle people will all retreat! "

Later, it was said that Miss Li was not dead, but seriously ill. After discharge, she saw through the world of mortals, cut her hair, became a monk in Wutai Mountain, and never taught again. ...

Fourth, smoking.

Five students are addicted to smoking. One day, they were smoking in the toilet and the dean saw them. The dean told his class teacher that the class teacher talked with five of them the next day. Teacher: "Do you smoke?" Student A: "Suck …" Teacher: "Suck? You are glorious! Go home and call your parents! ! "I was also beaten and recorded. When student A went back, he said to the other four people, "Don't admit it when the teacher asks you whether you smoke or not. You all said you didn't smoke. I will take the responsibility myself. After a while. Teacher: "Do you smoke? "Student B:" No, "French fries then. "Said the teacher, passing French fries. Student b naturally stretched out two fingers ... teacher: "don't suck?" Go home and call your parents! Teacher: "Do you smoke?" "Student C:" No, "French fries then. "Student C carefully took the French fries and secretly thanked student B (fortunately, he was prepared). Teacher: "Don't you dip in some ketchup? "student c accidentally dipped too much sauce and began to play in the bowl ... teacher:" don't suck? You are good at playing ash ... call your parents! Teacher: "Do you smoke?" Student D: "No." ... suck ... "(Student D is sweating like a pig after eating French fries). Student d: "thank you ... teacher ... I'll go back first if it's okay." "Teacher:" Won't you bring a root to your classmates? "Student D:" Thank you, teacher. "put French fries in your ear ... teacher:" you know what I should say, don't call your parents. Teacher: "Do you smoke?" Student E: "Stop smoking" (I finally put the French fries in my pocket ...) Student E turned to go when the teacher suddenly shouted: "The headmaster is coming!" I saw student E hurriedly take out French fries from his pocket and put them on the ground.