Ten jokes: The leader just came over and asked: Do you want to go home for the New Year?

There are thousands of jokes and hilarious online articles collected in Baidu space. Let's go and have a look.

A reporter interviewed a penguin about what he does all day. The first one said: eat, sleep and fight peas, and the second one said: eat, sleep and fight peas. I have been asking 99 of them all the time. When I asked the first one, I said: Eat and sleep. The reporter asked: Why don't you fight peas? Penguin said: I am fucking Doudou, your grandmother's.

One day, several officials and his men went to a restaurant for dinner. A waitress (female) in the store just arrived at the age of 18 and was a dog with little experience. The leader said, "Miss! Tea! "

Miss: (It turned out that he thought he was inexperienced in asking him to check the number of people)

Leader: pour the tea! !

Miss:

Leader: "What are you talking about!"

Miss: "I belong to a dog"

The leader called the head waiter for training, and the waiter really belongs to a dog! FD

The leader asked for a stewed tortoise. The leader said, "Miss, please give us the bastard inside."

Miss: "Sorry, big brother, you eight people and seven bastards can't share it!"

There is a taxi driver who works in a taxi company. One night, he was driving through a very desolate place, surrounded by darkness; Suddenly I saw a building in the wasteland ahead, with dim lights on. He was wondering when such a building was built here, when he saw a young lady beckoning to take his car home. After the young lady got in the car, he closed the door and started driving. After a while, he felt very strange why the young lady didn't speak. As a result, he looked back in the mirror and saw that there was no young lady but a doll sitting there. He was scared to death and grabbed the doll and threw it out of the window. After returning home, he was seriously ill for three months ... After he recovered, he went back to work in a taxi company. As a result, his colleague said to him, [You are really not interesting. A beautiful lady came to complain that she wanted to take your car last time. As a result, she just threw the doll in, so you closed the door and drove away.

There was a young man who went home for a reunion dinner during the Spring Festival. Because there was a grave on his way home, it was said that something very secretive often happened, so his mother specifically told him to go home early. However, on the way home by bus, there was a traffic jam again, so the young man fell asleep in the car. When he woke up, it was past ten o'clock midnight. He saw that there was no one in the car, the driver was not there, and the car was slowly moving, and there was noise. He turned to see the grave outside, and he couldn't help but feel a burst of fear, bewildered and trembling, so he wanted to probe out to see, who knows ...

One day in a mental hospital, the dean wanted to see how three mental patients recovered, so he put a white rabbit in front of each of them. The first mental patient sat on top of the white rabbit, grabbed the white rabbit's ears and shouted "Drive". The dean shook his head. The second man turned his back on the white rabbit, patting it and saying "chase it for me", and the dean sighed; The third one squatted there and touched the white rabbit assiduously. After the dean looked at it, he nodded with satisfaction and only heard him say, "Sample, let you go, and I will chase you after I clean the car!" " The dean fell to the ground and fainted ...

A beautiful woman decided to spend a lot of money to slim herself down. After spending more than 1, yuan, she felt very satisfied!

On the way home, she bought a newspaper at the newsstand and asked her boss, "Excuse me, how old do you think I am?"

the boss said: 32.

She is so happy: 47!

Then, she went to work and asked the lady at the counter the same question.

Miss said: I guess 29.

she's so happy: no, it's 47!

In high spirits, she went to Uni-President Super-Pack Gum on the corner and kept asking the counter lady there. The young lady said, well, I guess 3.

She is so proud: 47, thank you!

while waiting for the bus, she asked the old man next to her.

the old man said: I am 78 years old, and my eyes are not good. I can't see it. However, there is a way to be sure when you are young. If you let me put my hand into your bra, I can definitely know

your age!

After a long silence and an empty street, she finally became curious: OK! You have a try.

The old man put his hand into her shirt, then into her bra, and began to grope slowly and carefully.

after a few minutes, she said, well, guess how old I am?

The old man squeezed one last time and took out his hand. Say: madam, you are 47 years old.

The beauty was surprised and asked in surprise: Great! How did you know?

"promise not to get angry?"

"don't be angry!"

The old man's answer made the beautiful woman faint:

The old man said: I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's

If I were a man (have fun)

The first thing to do is to go to a bottle of Zhangguang and fall in my armpit. I'm so hairy

I'm green and green, so I just walk around with my bare arms ~~~

I wave my hand when I see someone ~ ~~

Even if my arm is dislocated later, I have to get a stick to support it

That's just like a man ~ ~

It's not like a girl walking with her arms between her arms all day, just like a child bride ~ I have covered all kinds of fancy instant noodles.

I am no longer afraid to eat in oversized bags. I am embarrassed to pay for it.

I will see the sky again. * * ~ ~ ~ ~

I will add ham, salted duck eggs, tea eggs, spicy kimchi and so on.

Also, When you pay, don't forget to treat your little sister lightly ~~

pp ~ ~ ~

I will make up my mind to eat his instant noodles for three days and three nights ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ snore ~ ~ ~ ~ Hua Hua ~ ~ ~,

how to eat it, how to eat it scary ~ ~ ~. Hoo-hoo

Burp when you see ppmm

Don't be too cool ~~~

I can wear it to play games in the dormitory

I can also wear a pair of ragged pants to go to class

I don't have to wash my socks, get dirty and bask in the sun, and naturally disinfect them with ultraviolet rays ~ ~ ~ It's natural and pollution-free ~ ~ ~ A new concept of health ~

I probably don't wash them either. If the green one is dirty, change it into black one ~ ~ ~ ~ as long as the transparent one ~ ~

is finished, then wear it inside and outside ~~~

, and then continue to wear it inside and outside ~~~~

I will sit in the last row in class,

I will dig my feet hard and blow hard. We have to measure clearly with a micrometer ~~

This is a matter of life and death ~ ~ ~ We can't joke about it ~~

Good feet, good appetite, great kicking and delicious eating ~~~

I'm not afraid to go shopping any more

I can drink water desperately

I feel like it.

I don't go to the bathroom to wash, and even cats jump three times in the dormitory on cold days ~~

. If you turn on cold water, you will get pneumonia. ~ ~ ~ Just don't meet the damn F D~~.

If I become a man, I will definitely be a handsome guy,

I will be wildly popular with girls.

Then I should be reserved.

Wait until one day, at a corner of the campus,

I meet a girl who has shed dust like a lily,

I will spend the rest of my life to protect her innocence

I can sacrifice my color for her

I will move to a school or graduate to help mm

I will publicly announce that I want to help mm drop things ~ ~ ~, < ! ! ! ~~~

I'll put on ten coats and ten T-shirts ~~~~

The most important thing is to put on ten coats from S, M, L, XL, XXL and XXXL ~ ~

I can't believe I can't keep a girl's broken letter ~ ~

. But one day you will regret it!

You are a real villain. I hate you very much now, and I can't wait to rush to your house to kill you!

Do you really have to make me angry and scold you for being heartless? You are really no ordinary goods!

He's XX. In my life, one more word of love for you will strike thunder, and I won't die a natural death. Wan Jian will wear my heart out!

even if you are the only man left, I won't look at you again. I despise your personality!

I only loved you. Do you think I really loved you before? Stop boasting! I'm playing you!

Even if you have cancer, I won't sympathize with you, because you deserve it!

even if a truck hits you in front of me, I won't send you there! You waste oxygen!

Although you are tall, you have eight legs. Do you think I wouldn't know if I didn't tell you?

although we have known each other for so long and haven't quarreled a few times, do you think I am very accommodating to you, a bad guy?

actually, I was playing with you from the beginning! So you left me without being sad at all!

let me kick your ass when you die. I'll take it out on you when I'm in a bad mood. You're still happy. I took u!

even if one of you and me dies, you must die first! I'm being a villain and hitting you every day!

when I had no money to spend, I was reluctant to use your money before. I really regret it! It's stupid enough!

last time I had an affair, I really regretted not letting you see it. I regret not having your self-esteem!

Only you can think of such a vulgar screen name as downtime and arrears. Your IQ stops at five years old!

you said that the way to stop my tears was to dry them with your lips. You are really the worst man!

fortunately, I didn't let you take advantage in the past, otherwise I would have lost a lot. It's extremely fortunate!

I don't want to think about your looks either. I'm ashamed to take them out. How did I live shopping before!

swearing at you can't get rid of my anger. Do you know why? I don't think you are badly hurt!

forget it! It's just a waste of my saliva to scold you. I'm not worth it or necessary for people like you!

Do you think that if you leave me, no one will chase me anymore? My popularity can be compared with Britney Spears!

you leave as far away as possible! Let me see you scold again, you should know my temper!

you are you, I am me, and we will make a clean break from now on. Don't talk to each other, or you'll be a bastard!

Even if you kneel before me again, I won't relent and forgive you. You are so hypocritical!

I won't help your mother with another wool if I kill her. That sweater is insulting to me!

I fought with your mother one-on-one. Your mother really has no quality to bully little girls!

as a result, I gave birth to you, a worse villain. It's called bad luck, and it happens!

you've been sentenced to half a year for stealing. What other bad things can't you do? I was blind in those days!

the first time you ran out of the classroom after class last year, do you remember the reason? Let me tell you!

I like to put laxatives in your lunch when I am most upset. What do you think about squatting in the side room?

I can't even think that I am worse than you, can I? I laugh loudly every time I think about it!

but you'll never get revenge again, so I'm telling you. Are you mad?

actually, I still feel a little guilty, but now I feel very good! I'm laughing wildly again!

completely forgive my original behavior. Otherwise, you will never forget me in your life, and I will be ashamed!

I'm lying to you. Have you ever seen my expression of shame on you? Even if there is, it's fake!

your fault! Who told you to break up before I did? This is karma, you know?

come on! I'm not interested in you anymore. Stop pestering me in the future, or I'll find someone to beat you up!

forget me! I think you seem to be a little nervous. You must be really hurt this time!

friends say that we are made for each other. Bah! You really don't deserve me!

my weight is none of your business. it's called fullness. You want me to lose weight every day, and I'm fucking fed up with you!

It's better to say that you are a new human being than to say that you are like a duck on the street. I'm tired of seeing Xiao Taibao's death!

if you say do it again, will you still be bullied so badly by me? Want to know the answer?

I'll kick your ass when I die! You are so stupid! Ten thousand more times and you'll die at my hands!

just reflect on what you are wrong with! I won't tell you the answer again!

say what? You want to kill yourself? You are really not a man. I've only bullied you for less than two years and I want to die!

dead? Then I will shut up. I'm not interested in wasting my breath on a dead man. You rest in peace!

hint: read the third word in each row from top to bottom!

classic misunderstanding

1. When the nurse saw the patient was ill and drinking, she went over and whispered, "Sweetheart! "The patient smiled and said," Little baby. "

2. A sister-in-law saw a man who was about to get off the bus drop a pack of cigarettes on the pedal, so she quickly said to the man, Comrade, you dropped your cigarettes! The man is furious: you just castrated!

3. A man was constipated when he went to the toilet, and suddenly he saw a man rushing in, and it was suddenly stormy. "Dude, I really envy you, so fast. ""What do you envy? I didn't take off my pants "

4. The English name of the next girl who should be interviewed for a job is" spring ". The secretary wanted to take the opportunity to improve her English and shouted: hi! That one, Chun, it's your turn!

5. On the bus, the pregnant woman standing said to the strange man sitting next to her: Don't you know I'm pregnant? I saw the man very nervous and said, but the child is not mine!

6. Are there military prostitutes in the army? Jun: Yes, there is no military discipline! Min: Really! Do I have to pay? Jun: What money is needed? Our military discipline is handed down from above.

7. A man stormed into a unit angrily and shouted, Is this the Animal Protection Association? Staff: Yes, who bullied you?

8. Farmer: I often feel cold after going to bed at night. I have had it, too. At that time, I would hug my wife and get warm. Farmer: That's a good idea, but when will it be convenient for your wife?

9. female secretary: "boss, your wife is coming, and she said she would kiss you in the room. "Boss:" You take it for me first, and then come and give it to me later. "

1. Mrs. Wang is pregnant with quadruplets and shows off to her neighbors everywhere.