Routine girls' jokes and jokes

Son: Dad, tell me a story.

Dad: OK. Once upon a time, there was a frog. ......

Son: No, I want to hear historical stories.

Dad: OK. In the Song Dynasty, there was a frog. ......

№2

Once upon a time, there was a scholar who had a stupid son. One day, a friend came to visit the scholar. In order to show his talent, he decided to let his son entertain the guests, and specially taught him a few words: "If the guests ask you why our peach tree is missing? What did you just say? Let me cut and sell it? ; If he asks you why our fence is so messy. What did you just say? Destroyed by the chaos of war? ; If he asks you why our family is so rich, what do you say? Mom and dad earned it hard? ; If he asks you why you are so smart. What did you just say? Of course, our family has been like this for generations. ? "So the son went to entertain the guests.

The guest asked, "Where's your father?" The son replied, "I'll cut it and sell it!" " The guest was surprised and asked, "What about your mother?" The son replied, "The soldiers and horses are all useless!" The guest asks again: "Is there so much cow dung in front of your house?" The son proudly said, "My parents worked hard to earn it!" The guest asked angrily, "How can you say that?" The son proudly said, "Of course, our family has been like this for generations!" "

№3

A little boy was taken to the hospital by his mother. In order to make the little boy less nervous, the doctor pointed to his ear and teased him, "Is this your nose, little friend?"

The little boy looked at the doctor and turned to his mother seriously and said, "Mom, we need a new doctor."

№4

The mother once again called her son to get up: "Jacques, good boy, it's time to get up." You have heard the cock crow several times. "

"What does cock crow have to do with me? I am not a hen. "

№5

A: "My wife and I had a big fight last night and threw all our food out of the balcony on the seventh floor. The result ... "

B: "What was the result?"

"The building where I live this morning is surrounded by a group of scientists who specialize in flying saucers."

№6

I have four children, all of whom are naughty. One day when I came home from work, the children made a lot of noise at home. My wife was very happy to see me back and said, "It's great that you finally came back."

I am glad to think that the children are afraid of me, but my wife went on to say, "Only you are the most obedient and obedient at home! Go and buy me a bag of salt. "

№7

Man: "Miss, you are as beautiful as a flower."

Woman: "Thank you."

Man: "Miss, you are as gentle as the moon."

Woman: "Thank you."

Man: "Miss, you are as pure as holy water."

Woman: "Thank you."

Man: "Miss, can you marry me?"

Woman: "You are as wordy as my husband!" " "

№8

As soon as Mr. Smith checked a female patient and confirmed that she was pregnant, he said, "Mrs. Mary, I have good news for you."

"It's Miss Mary." Young ladies are more upright.

"Oh, Miss Mary," the doctor said quickly, "I have some bad news for you ..."

№9

The mother was very angry with her daughter.

"This is the modern young people!" She said to her friend. "I made a boyfriend when I was 0/6 years old, but I forgot my mother's 32nd birthday!"

№ 10

Women are ugly, but they love powder.

Every day before going out, she will put on a thick layer of powder.

People on the road will laugh when they see her.

But she said with a straight face, "I stopped laughing when you laughed, and the powder fell off."

№ 1 1

Someone went to the zoo to see the orangutan. I heard that the orangutan was very clever, so I paid tribute to the orangutan, and the orangutan actually imitated his salute. Then the man patted his chest again, and the orangutan also imitated and patted his chest; The man thought it was very interesting and continued to stick out his tongue at the orangutan. Unexpectedly, this time the orangutan did not imitate, but threw stones at him. The man asked the breeder angrily, and the breeder told him that sticking out his tongue in the eyes of orangutans meant calling him a fool. This man realized.

The next day, the man came to the zoo to see the orangutan, saluted it and patted its chest. Orangutans imitate it Then the man took out a stick and hit him on the head, and then gave it to the orangutan. Unexpectedly, the orangutan laughed and spat out his tongue at the man.

№ 12

The young priest was walking in the forest when a big bear suddenly appeared. The priest ran away in despair, and the bear chased him closely. The priest accidentally stepped on a puddle and threw himself to the ground. In desperation, he prayed to God: "Lord, turn this fierce beast into a devout believer."

Lightning flashed and a miracle happened. ..................... Bell knelt before him, put his hands on his chest, bowed his head and muttered, "Thank God for a wonderful dinner."

№ 13

A snail was walking on the road and a turtle ran over him. So the snail was sent to first aid. When the snail regained consciousness, the police asked him about the situation at that time. The snail replied, "I don't remember, he was too fast."

№ 14

A hen is sitting comfortably with an egg. Suddenly, an egg emerged from its bottom.

The hen asked in surprise, "What's the matter? Why did you run out? "

Small egg said, "You ............., you ....................., you fart!"

№ 15

A little turtle blinked mysteriously: "Do you know? I work in the kitchen of an upscale hotel. "

"You are talking nonsense again!" The mouse smiled.

"I won't lie to you," said the tortoise seriously. "My bath water was taken there to make soup."

№ 16

The biology teacher is describing the appearance of African wild boar on the stage with great interest. Occasionally, he swept his eyes from the stage and found that most students were dozing off. So he was furious and shouted, "Look at me! How can I know what African wild boar looks like without looking at me? "

№ 17

One day, a professor suddenly stopped teaching and seriously said to everyone:

"If the classmate sitting in the middle can be as quiet as the classmate sitting at the end playing cards, the classmate sitting in front will not be disturbed."

№ 18

When a student handed in his homework to the art teacher, he handed in a blank sheet of paper.

The teacher asked, "What about the painting?"

The student replied, "This is it!" He pointed to a blank sheet of paper and said.

Teacher: "What did you draw?"

Student: "Cows eat grass."

Teacher: "Where is the grass?"

Student: "eaten by cows."

Teacher: "What about the cow?"

Student: "Why are the cows still standing there after all the grass has been eaten?"

№ 19

Once, my brother was in a history class, and the teacher asked him, "Who is Louis XIV?"

The younger brother replied, "Louis XIV, Louis X plus Louis IV, right?"

Hearing this, the teacher almost vomited blood and was out of breath, and then said angrily, "Why don't you say Louis VII times Louis II?"

Who knows the younger brother replied without thinking: "Teacher, from a mathematical point of view, Louis seven times Louis two should be equal to Louis square fourteen, so you are wrong."

The teacher fainted on the spot!

№20

Young teachers in a university love playing mahjong. Once, he played all night. At 7:40 the next morning, he got off the mahjong table at 7: 30 and hurried to class.

It happened that the students on duty today didn't clean the blackboard. He shouted, "Who is the farmer?" The students on duty did not dare to answer, so they had to wipe it themselves, but the eraser could not be found. He shouted again, "Hey ... where's the whiteboard?"

How to write shit?

Student: "How to write the teacher's shit?"

The teacher thought for a moment: "hey ... shit." Shit. Shit. Why don't you come out on the tip of your tongue? "

Commit fraud

The law department of a university took the criminal law exam one day. The first question the professor asked the students was: "What is the crime of fraud?" The student replied, "If you don't let me pass the exam, it's fraud." The professor was surprised: "How to explain?" The student said: "According to the criminal law, anyone who makes use of others' ignorance to make them suffer losses is fraud ..."

keep quiet

On this day, the teacher shouted at the noisy class as usual: "No-no-noisy! Everybody be quiet, okay? ! "Nobody paid attention to him in the class, and the teacher left as soon as he tossed his head, ready to complain to the principal. When the headmaster and teacher came back to the classroom angrily and were about to start cursing, they were surprised to find their classmates holding them quietly.

"What's the matter? Why has everyone become so embarrassed? " The teacher secretly rejoiced and couldn't believe it. "Is there anything wrong?" There was silence. "come on Monitor, you say! " The monitor stood up shyly and muttered with his head down: "Old teacher, you said,' If one day you come into the classroom and find the class quiet ... you will die for us ..."

Q: How did your roommate Xiao Chen get hurt?

We made a bet to see who could lean farther out of the window, and he won.

Sleep in class

A student was sleeping in class and was found by the teacher. Teacher: "Why do you sleep in class?" A student: "I didn't sleep!" " "Teacher:" Then why do you close your eyes? "A student:" I'm closing my eyes! ""Teacher: "Then why do you nod?" A student: "What you just said is very reasonable!" " "Teacher:" Then why are you drooling? A student: "teacher, you speak with relish!" "

Children are thinking about "heredity and environment". Mom interjected: This question is very simple. As we all know, children who look like their fathers are inherited. Like neighbors, that is the environment.

Khrushchev visited the farm, and the reporter took a photo of him in a pigsty with pigs. The next day, I saw a postscript in the newspaper: the third from the left is Comrade Khrushchev.

W: Why do you look so old-fashioned? M: If you like RMB, do you still care what year it was issued?

Female secretary: "boss, your wife called, and she said on the phone that she wanted to kiss you." "Boss:" You hold it for me first, and then come and give it to me later. "

One day, the lame and the blind went out in the same car. The blind ride, the lame watch the road. Suddenly, the lame man found a deep ditch in front of him and shouted: ditch, ditch, ditch! The blind man sang back: oh, oh, oh, oh! They fell into the ditch together.

It is raining. Many fools in mental hospitals are bathing in the rain with towel soap. You are the only one watching on the windowsill. Someone asked curiously: What are you doing? You said those fools were stupid. I'll wait until the water is hot.

Pure humor

The girl imagined the future and wrote:

I hope to have a healthy child and a husband who really loves me in the future.

Teacher's comment: Please pay attention to the order.

An agricultural college graduate returned to his hometown and saw an old gardener transplanting fruit trees.

Say: according to your dry method, it is enough to surprise me that seven apples can be harvested on this tree.

The old gardener said, "I'm surprised, too. Because this is a peach tree.

A miser wandered around the city because he couldn't hold his breath and went to the toilet. When he got home, he told his wife that he didn't expect it to be just a fart

The wife cursed: you idiot, keep blowing the lights.

The father of student panda Kai warned, "If you fail this exam, someone will be slapped!"!

The giant panda came to school and said to the teacher.

I didn't mean to scare you, teacher!

My father said that if I failed the exam, someone would be slapped.

Divers

A jewelry store was stolen. When the police arrived at the scene, they found a drunk lying there. In order to find out the whereabouts of the jewels, the police found a bucket of cold water, pushed the drunk's head into the water and asked, "Did you see those jewels?"

The drunk opened his misty eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change a diver! " "

I threw up, too

A miser went to a bar to drink, took out the money prepared in advance and ordered a glass of beer.

Halfway through the drink, he felt anxious and wanted to go to the bathroom. But I'm afraid others will drink.

So he borrowed a pen and paper from the waiter. The paper says: I spit in the cup.

Then he left safely.

After a while, he came back and found the wine still there. He is very happy.

However, he found a few more words on the note: I threw up, too