These behaviors of parents are the easiest to raise "please" children. Did you do it?

Speaking of this topic, I feel really deeply touched. Because I know that I am a proper "please" person.

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I was praised for being sensible and obedient since I was a child, but I was a little helpless and wronged when I grew up.

Do you feel the same way after reading what Jiang said when he accepted Know Yourself?

I cried inexplicably when I looked at it, which may also be the characteristic of all people with "please personality".

One: Always ask children to have "empathy"

Learning parenting knowledge is the same as going to school. If you only study without thinking, it is easy to "copy mechanically" and the effect is not good.

Give me an example of a parenting mistake I made before:

Going downstairs to play with children, a child insisted on his son's blind box, which was his favorite. At that time, he said nothing.

I said to the child, "Let the child play. Do you think if you want to play with other children's toys and others don't let you play, will you be very sad? "

Although the child is very sad, he still keeps tears for the child.

Later, grandma often said that a child took a child's toy, and he didn't know how to grab it, so he cried. She also said that if he robbed it, the child would be very sad.

At that moment, I realized that there was something wrong with my parenting style, or that my "flattering" personality was unconsciously imposed on my children.

Remember Dr. Zhang Yijun once said:

Therefore, it is very important for children to express their true thoughts.

We should teach children to be kind and sensible, and even more, we should teach them to "know how to refuse"

Psychologist Harriet Blake wrote in the book Please is a Disease:

What we need more is to treat the word "please" dialectically.

In order to make children become kind, generous and easy-going people, we can teach them to be sensitive, considerate and considerate, not to cause trouble to others, and even care about other people's comments in order to show their best.

However, don't be too sensitive and attribute other people's emotional changes to "your own fault"; Don't be afraid to express your true thoughts because you care too much about other people's comments; Don't let others challenge your principles and bottom line just because it is difficult to refuse.

Two: control is too strong.

Controllable parents tend to criticize and abuse their children and never take care of their inner feelings and real thoughts.

In the long run, children become timid, afraid to express their ideas, and even learn to "please" their parents to avoid accusations.

What is even more embarrassing is that parents are proud of this and feel that their children are obedient and sensible.

As everyone knows, this "please" and timid character is making children become "inferior" and unconfident people, and may even accompany them for life.

Three: Never deny children.

A while ago, my friend told me a "funny" conversation in her family.

"Mom, I did well in the exam this time." The child said happily

"Don't lose because you are arrogant, and don't get cocky if you do well in the exam." Dad said coldly

My friend said that my brother, who was confident just now, had a little disappointment in his eyes.

I don't know if it is because our parents in China are too traditional. This is how our parents taught us to be "low-key and modest" when we were young. You can't "sell melons and brag." It seems that only when others say yes is it really good.

As everyone knows, this kind of education method can easily make children indulge in "praise from others." In fact, this is also a kind of "please" behavior.

Keynes once said:

Children with "please" personality are prone to inferiority, inferiority, weak personality and being bullied more easily.

Whether in school bullying or at work, these children are always regarded as "soft persimmons". In order to protect themselves, they have to "please" others. This vicious circle is likely to push children to the edge of life step by step.

Compared with those naughty children, obedient and sensible children may be more popular with everyone, but children who are too obedient are more distressing!

Chen Ziyan of HKUST is always trying to please others. Why? "The book wrote:

The root of our "please" behavior is to build our understanding and value of ourselves on others. No matter what method is adopted, what flatterers ultimately need to do is to get rid of dependence on others' appreciation and recognition and independently confirm their own values and needs.

We should cultivate children's independent thinking character instead of making them sensible, shouldn't we?