The children didn't finish their homework.

(Child Growth Psychology Case Database -97)

Nowadays, WeChat group has become a platform for parents and teachers to communicate, and it has also become a "magic mirror" for parents to grasp their children's performance at school at any time.

The magic of this kind of "magic mirror" is that it can not only show all kinds of "bad" of your baby, but also show all kinds of "excellent" of other people's babies.

There is no harm without comparison, but the harm is so direct. You are constantly shocked in the passage of this "magic mirror" until you collapse, and then you do all kinds of more "magical" behaviors.

For example, in a fit of pique, I quit my parents' group and had a private chat with my teacher.

For example, I didn't control my emotions when I went home, scolded my baby and jumped all night.

When my temper was over and my mind was clear, I found more than one regret:

Apologize to Eva. Dad shouldn't swear? But Eva really didn't do it right, and apologizing is still detrimental to authority;

Explain to the teacher that you quit the group on impulse? But it seems that I am embarrassed. Yesterday, I also used other people's righteous words to express my views on parenting. Looks like it ended in discord. ...

As a result, we were a little split and dizzy.

Of course, the probability of quitting the group is still not much among parents, but being named by the teacher in the group, parents will have no less experience.

Today is my friend's case. Let's look at his confusion:

-Here is his statement.

I was very angry yesterday and dropped out of my son's class.

The reason is that the teacher called me in the group, named my son's homework and criticized me in the group, saying that I was not responsible. I was so angry that I wondered why the teacher couldn't talk about me in private and why he embarrassed me in front of so many parents.

After that, I added the teacher's WeChat to discuss this matter with her alone. I also expressed my dissatisfaction with her and published my own parenting experience. I talked to the teacher several times and broke up in discord.

I was very angry that day, but I behaved well and tried not to be angry with my son. I went back to urge him to do his homework at night, so I didn't say anything because I didn't know how to tell him.

But I regret leaving the group today. There may be a lot of school information I can't see in the future, and other parents may laugh at me.

I'm more worried about what the teacher thinks of me, and whether I don't want the teacher to take care of the baby. In the future, I will let the baby go and pay less attention to it, which will affect the baby's study and life at school.

Can you help me analyze whether I did it or not? What should I do next?

I exchanged views with him:

First, the problem is complicated.

Now it is inevitable that WeChat group will become a tool for home-school communication. The teacher criticized the parents by name in the group. From the standpoint of teachers, the name of WeChat group is also to attract parents' attention to their children's learning, and the starting point is good.

When we realize this starting point, we can better understand the teacher.

Instead of narcissism, I just feel that I have hurt my face, and then I make an irrational behavior of looking for a teacher to judge or even quit the group.

Secondly, the problem is the problem of parents.

Objectively speaking, the teacher told parents that our parents should be happy that the children didn't finish their homework, and this father actually thought so.

So, why is this father so inhuman?

The answer is "group". There are many people in the "group" and many people know each other.

Being named makes people feel humiliated, losing their parents' faces;

Because it touched our narcissism, narcissism was hurt.

When we are injured in narcissism, what kind of reaction will we have? -Use the defense mechanism of "diverting attention".

Move to where?

Maybe it's reasoning with the teacher, or taking it out on the baby, or the couple quarreling.

Of course, this father is one of the few parents who choose to talk to the teacher, and most parents will choose to go home and tidy up their children.

In fact, whatever it is, it is because we can't really face our narcissism and get hurt.

Therefore, the problem belongs to adults, not children.

Children don't do homework occasionally, and being naughty is just a normal behavior in the process of growing up.

But because of environmental factors and cognitive differences, our narcissism is hurt and our face is damaged, so we unconsciously fantasize that children should be perfect, and unconsciously regard normality as an abnormality and a problem.

Then, what should parents do when the WeChat group is really named by the teacher?

1. If you are angry, realize that it is your face, deal with your emotions and communicate with them later;

2. Correctly understand that teachers are only performing their duties, and WeChat group is only a notification channel, actively cooperating with teachers' work. When he doesn't know how to communicate, he will temporarily stop communicating and reply "received". As a friend of mine, I suggest that he talk to the teacher and try to get his understanding and help.

The most important thing is how to make the baby realize the importance of finishing homework. Here we need to use non-violent communication methods:

First, describe the facts:

Today, the teacher told dad that you didn't finish some homework yesterday.

Secondly, ask about the situation:

Can you tell me what it's about? Will you not do or forget your homework?

After that, express your opinion:

Dad believes that finishing homework is a learning attitude, a respect for teachers' knowledge, and a respect for their own study and labor. You don't have to do your homework, but you still have to have a correct attitude towards learning. Can you understand?

Subsequently, some suggestions were put forward:

Give me a suggestion. If you encounter homework that you can't do in the future, or have other difficulties at school, you can come back and raise it with your father, and I will help you in time. Do you think it's okay?

Finally, send an invitation:

So in the near future, can I study, review and do my homework with you? If you don't want to, you can also talk about your own ideas.

To sum up, we communicate objectively with children's learning by means of non-violent communication. In this process, we help children analyze problems and give advice and support.

What we all need is a model to solve problems, not a model to fix them.

Finally, again, parents need to grow up and accompany their children in a mature way.

Only in this way can children learn good experiences from us; We won't leave things we can't handle to the children again.