Funny, sorry, husband's joke

There is a newly married couple. Her husband has to go to work in the morning. Before going out, the wife asked her husband, "What would you like for dinner after work today? 』

The husband whispered in his wife's ear, "Eat you!" Then I went out to work.

My husband came home from work at night, and when he opened the door, he saw his wife streaking in the living room. The husband asked, "Wife, what are you doing?" 』

"I am a hot dish! 』

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Not disorderly development.

Wife: Why don't you let me get breast implants!

Dave: Don't you know that you can't develop indiscriminately on the hillside?

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A man went to see his family doctor. He asked, "doctor, I'm getting married, but it's the first time for my girlfriend and me." Can you tell us what to do? 』

The doctor watched the man grow up, and when he heard this question, he was a little uncomfortable. He looked outside and said, "Look over there, have you seen two dogs in the park?" See what they are doing? Go home and do it. "

Two months later, when they met again, the doctor asked, "How is your sex life? 』

The man replied, "it's fine, but it's really cold to do it in the park, and people will peek."

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Two priests go to work by bike every day, but one day, one of them didn't ride a bike, so the other priest asked him why. The priest said, "I don't remember. I think it was stolen."

Another priest told him to read the Ten Commandments. When he read "Do not steal", someone would admit stealing.

The next day, the two priests met again and the priest's car was found. "Your car has been found. Did you do as I said? " A priest asked.

The priest who lost the car replied, "well, not exactly." I recited the Ten Commandments. When I read' You must not commit adultery', I seem to remember where I put my car. "

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Kong Xsheng, a well-known third-rate writer in Guangdong, came to the United States and bought a two-story duplex villa in California.

Because of the noise in the room facing the street, I hid in the room near the backyard all day, so the three rooms facing the street were empty.

One day, Mrs. Kong told Kong that since the three rooms in the front row were idle, it was better to rent them out. Kong agreed, of course, and personally wrote an advertisement for his wife, put it on the square stool in front of the dresser with glue on the back, and told her not to forget to post it.

Unexpectedly, when Mrs. Kong woke up, it was past the time to go to work in the city. She sat in front of the dressing table in a panic, and the wind went out. As soon as Mrs. Kong got into the subway, she heard several men whispering behind her, as if she were renting a house. She heard a man say, "Strange, why rent the front one?"

Mrs. Kong, who has not fully recovered, turned around and replied loudly: "My husband will need it later!"

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One day, he was wily enough to go whoring. After that, he was not satisfied and only paid half the money and left.

Of course, prostitutes are not reconciled, so they chase after the wily home. But when she entered the wily home, she saw many wily relatives.

She was embarrassed to say it, so she said to the wily, "Why did you only pay half the money for renting a house with me?"

After a long thought, I replied, "I only paid half the rent, because, first, your house is too old, second, your house has poor water and electricity, and third, your house is too big!" " "

Hearing this, the prostitute immediately replied, "Sir, you chose the house because it is too old. I think your motor is not strong enough because of poor water and electricity. Besides, I'm afraid your furniture is too small because the house is too big! " .

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One day, an old nun took a bowl of her urine and asked the little nun to take it down the mountain for a doctor's test. ...

The little nun accidentally knocked over the bowl of urine while walking. She was afraid of being scolded, so she began to cry.

A passing woman saw it and told the little nun not to cry.

The little nun said that she accidentally knocked over the urine of the old nun for fear of being scolded. The woman said it doesn't matter. She asked the little nun to take urine to the doctor.

A week later, the old nun received the test report. The test report said that she was pregnant. The old nun exclaimed, "Oh, my God! Even radishes are not reliable these days! "

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The president of Fat Mama Gambling Company.

One day, an elderly mother hobbled into the savings office of xx Manhattan Bank in new york with a huge pocket. She went to the counter, put her pocket in front of the cashier and said, "Miss, I want to deposit money. This is 500,000 cash. " The young lady was very surprised. She quickly moved out of the bank president. The president dared not neglect, invited the old lady to the office and treated her like a guest.

The president asked, "Is this pocket cash your life savings?"

"No, no," mom replied. "You are old and incompetent. You can only get rich by gambling. If you bet 500 thousand yuan, then you win. "

"Oh?" The president bowed and said, "I want to hear the details."

The old lady said, "If the president wants to learn, he will bet you $500,000 now. If tomorrow morning 10: 30, the two meatballs in your crotch become cubes, you will lose to the old man 500 thousand. If it doesn't change, how about the old man giving you 500 thousand? "

The president frowned. "The old lady made a big joke."

"The old man is not joking. To be honest, this pocket of 500,000 was won in this way."

"Well, don't blame me for being bullied by a bank president."

"Where, where, write down the written evidence quickly."

So, they wrote a written document and agreed to meet in the office at 10: 30 tomorrow. The old lady saved her money and left with a smile.

The president sent the old lady away, but somehow, he was always uneasy and had to bend his head and touch his crotch from time to time. When I got home, I took off my pants at any time, which kept me awake all night. Fortunately, the two meat bombs kept rolling as before.

The next day, the president groped his way to class. Sitting in my office, I'm still hanging around. Look 10. Meatballs are still round, and $500,000 is at your fingertips!

10 at half past six, the old lady arrived on time with a smile, and there was a handsome young man, probably in his early thirties. The old lady said, "This is an old lawyer hired temporarily. This is the testimony of both of us. "

"Good," said the president. "You will lose today."

"Don't trust me, old man," my mother said. "Those two meatballs must have switched sides."

"No, it's still round!"

"Seeing is believing, taking it off is believing."

The president thought of $500,000, so he said in a clear voice, "That's all. You won't accept it if you don't take it off. "

So he took off his famous trousers, flashed a word and hung a pair of meat buns there.

Mom added, "It's true to touch it."

The president stood proudly: "Touch it and you will lose today!" "

The old maid approached, stretched out her hand to play with it, stood up calmly and said, "It's really round. Let you win. "

Then, my mother said cheerfully, "Congratulations to the President, I will give you 500,000 yuan at once."

The president proudly held up his trousers. He saw the young lawyer banging his head against the wall, looking very miserable. The president quickly asked, "Sir, what made you suddenly so miserable?"

"Oh, forget it," cried the lawyer. "Just now, I was held by this old lady and made a bet, saying that if she could make the president of xx Manhattan Bank take off his pants in front of me and take out the marbles, I would lose to her at $654.38+00,000!"

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The sculpture exhibition is about to open, but the museum staff accidentally broke the statue of David, so that the penis fell off. The curator urgently asked the female secretary to dispose of it with glue. ......

The exhibition caused a sensation. ......

Afterwards, the curator asked the secretary, "How to glue it up?"

Answer "Are you kidding? I think all men are like this. "

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It is said that Su Dongpo's brother and sister often chat with the old Zen master in Houshan Temple, write poems together and have close contacts, but Su Xiaomei did not make public when he got married. He only remembered his old friend a few days after his marriage, that is, he took a step towards the temple.

Besides, the old monk is sulking these days, thinking, "This lad doesn't miss the old love at all, and he won't invite the old monk to a wedding banquet! Be sure to humiliate her when she comes. {{"

When Su Xiaomei came to the temple and saw that it was closed, he knew something was wrong. Knocking on the door for a long time, a young monk came out. Seeing that it was Su Xiaomei, he handed a note saying, "Master is waiting for your reply ..."; Su Xiaomei opened it and it said, "How did you feel on your wedding night?" Thinking that the old bald donkey was really unreasonable, I immediately wrote a few words to the young monk and told him to do so. {{Like this. {{

The old monk has been waiting for the young monk not to come, so I think Su Xiaomei knows what she can do this time. Let's see what she says. I was puzzled to see the young monk return empty-handed. I was about to open the door when the young monk said, "She has already left, but please read the reply in the backyard clock yourself." Hearing this, the old monk wondered what trick the boy was playing. Why not go? He went to the clock, climbed the escalator and put his hand in, only to find that it said, "That's all!" "

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A man came back from a business trip and ran into his wife with her neighbor's husband, Smaller. He knocked on the door next door angrily and said to his neighbor's wife, "Your husband is having an affair with my wife. 』

"This is outrageous, we must revenge. The neighbor's wife pulled him into the room, took off his clothes and made love violently.

Soon, they lay in bed and rested. After a few minutes, the neighbor's wife said, "What happened? Let's get even again! 』

In this way, he retaliated four times in a row. When the neighbor's wife asked for a fifth revenge, the man staggered to his feet and said, "Forget it! I don't hate them anymore ... "

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A lovestruck couple undressed in the back seat of a car. "Sorry," the boy said, "I didn't know you were a virgin. If I knew, I would spend more time doing foreplay. "

"Are you? The girl said flatly, "if you don't hurry up, I'll take off my stockings." "

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What's the use of women getting married?

The answer is: "there are birds."

Why does the man want a divorce?

"Because I don't want to do it! 」

What is the use of same-sex marriage? The answer is: "What's the use?"

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A black man went to a restaurant in Taipei. The black man knows neither Chinese nor Chinese. ..

At a loss, I suddenly found a white man pointing at the waiter's crotch, so the waiter showed a knowing smile and immediately served two boiled eggs. That black man was really salivating ... and immediately did the same thing. ...

The waiter smiled, but brought two black preserved eggs ...:)

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The mother took her adolescent son to the doctor because his male sex symbol, like a child, didn't grow up.

Doctor's advice: Never mind! Just let him eat a burnt hot dog.

The next morning, there were many burnt hot dogs on the dining table. The son looked sad and said, Mommy, how can I eat so much?

Honey, just eat one and leave the rest for your father.

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A man was drinking in a bar with a heavy heart. .....

Attendant: Sir? ! In a bad mood If you have any ideas, just say it!

M: I'm gay.

Attendant: So what?

Man: My brother is gay, too.

Attendant: .......

M: To make matters worse, so is my brother.

Attendant: .........., doesn't anyone in your family like women?

M: Yes! My sister

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An elderly doctor is flying, and his neighbor is a Presbyterian priest. The flight time was delayed due to some technical problems.

After taking off, the captain apologized to the passengers and announced that he would provide them with free drinks immediately.

When the charming stewardess was pushing the cart, the doctor asked her for a gin. The stewardess then asked the priest next door if he wanted a glass of wine. The priest replied, "No, thanks, I'd rather commit adultery than drink!"! 」

Hearing this, the old doctor immediately returned the wine to the stewardess and said, "Miss, I just didn't know there was any other choice! 」

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Four joys and four sorrows in life:

1. Be the first time-others

After a long drought, it kept raining.

3. Meet an old friend in another country-borrow money

4. wedding night-don't move things

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Elegant way to go to the toilet

One day in physics class, when the teacher was talking in class, a classmate raised his hand.

Teacher: Does this classmate have any questions?

Health: I want to shit. ...

Teacher: At this age, can't you speak gracefully?

The student immediately raised his hand and said, Teacher, my anus feels disgusting ... ~ ~ ~

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The Analects of Confucius

Confucius traveled eastward, accompanied by Luz; I met a woman by chance, very gentle and lovely, but I saw: pink peach blossoms are not exposed, and red lips smell first and then laugh; Zi He was so happy that he didn't know each other. Confucius said, "What is it? Go up? " Lutz replied: "You are a teacher, courtesy comes first!" .

Zi even rushed to the car, went deep into the forest, hugged his hips, waved his halberd and raped him.

After a while, Luz asked, "Is that okay?" The son lifted his lapel, wiped his sweat and said, "Cool!" .

Luz said, "shall I go?" Confucius said: "Ran"; Not long after, Luz came out and said, "Did you receive any guidance at school?" Confucius said: "One."

There will be nothing to teach then. Confucius said, "The teacher is on it, and there are still three Analects. "Lutz bow down," I'm not as good as a teacher! "

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My son was about to get married, but he didn't know how to pay tribute to the Duke of Zhou, so he asked his father what to do.

Father said vaguely, "You will be above and she will be below."

On the wedding night, the bride locked the door angrily and refused to let the groom in.

The son shouted at the door, "Dad! I can't get in! "

The father replied, "Push!"

The son then pushed hard, and his knee was broken and bleeding. He couldn't help shouting, "ah! Bleeding! "

I heard my father say in the room, "That's right!"

-

One day, Jesus took his thirty-six disciples to the foot of the mountain and said to them, "Take two stones first, and then go up the mountain with me."

One of them, Satan, took the two smallest grains of wheat to the mountain. Jesus said to the crowd, "Now give me the stones in your hands to make steamed bread." As a result, Satan became the smallest steamed bread, so he held a grudge.

The next day, Jesus took his disciples down the mountain and told them to take two stones up the mountain first, so Satan took two big stones up the mountain and reached the mountain. Satan was panting like an ox. Jesus said, "Throw the stone in your hand forward. The farther you throw it, the bigger the steamed bread will be." As a result, Satan threw away 20 centimeters and replaced it with the smallest steamed bread. Satan was so angry that he sprayed blood.

On the third day, Jesus told them to take stones up the mountain. Satan thought, "big stones can be replaced with big steamed buns, and small stones can be thrown far away, so I'm not sure about one big and one small." So Satan happily took a big stone and a small stone up the mountain, and Jesus said happily, "You and I worked hard on the mountain three times. To thank you, I replaced the two stones in your hand with the two below you. "

Satan fainted as soon as he heard this. Since then, Satan has betrayed Jesus and has been trying to kill him.