The more noisy a couple quarrels, the better.

Introduction: People say that quarreling hurts feelings, but this is not absolute. Sometimes a proper quarrel will make a couple's relationship better, do you believe it?

According to Gottman's research, couples who claim to never quarrel are usually more satisfied with their marriage in a short period of time than Generally speaking, it is higher. However, after waiting for 3 years, Gottman studied this group of couples who did not argue and found that the marital satisfaction of this group of people was actually lower than that of those couples who quarreled. The possible reason is that this group of couples Suppressing your dissatisfaction with each other will be detrimental to the maintenance of an intimate relationship.

The conclusion is that quarreling may be beneficial to an intimate relationship, but the point is that you must understand the secrets and be good at handling disputes, which can make the relationship between two people closer and more stable. If it is not handled well, it will inevitably lead to the failure and breakdown of the relationship.

1. Examine the real reason behind the quarrel

Remember to pay the electricity bill? To the husband, it is a trivial matter, but to the wife, it represents the husband’s commitment to him Whether you have a sense of responsibility for things and whether you can fulfill your promises. This is what is really noteworthy under the surface of the incident.

However, it is often difficult to change this kind of thing at once, because these behaviors and habits have been deeply rooted in the family of origin and have been brought into your relationship. Research by psychologist Gottman found that two-thirds of the quarrels between couples are actually "unsolvable" because this comes from the differences in the growth backgrounds of the two people. Among the couples Gottman studied, when he was interviewed again four years after the first interview, he found that 69% of the reasons for fighting were still the same as four years ago.

So, what should we do now? Prince Charming turned out to be a frog, and no matter how hard we try, we can’t turn him into a prince. Should we get a divorce? Well, marriage experts don’t suggest this, at least not the only one. solution. Because your next marriage may encounter the same situation, and it may not be better than this one.

American interpersonal communication writer Sheila Heen suggests that you listen carefully to the voices of old couples who are entering into golden, silver, and diamond weddings and see how they tolerate and compromise with each other: Zhiwen is always late, so An Qi always drives there by herself when something important happens? Jiabao always likes to invite friends to her home for dinner, but Yiting would rather rest quietly at night, so the two of them compromise, as long as Jiabao is willing to cook and entertain (Jiabao usually doesn't) , Yiting has no objection. ?

Finding a way to compromise and cooperate based on the differences between two people is one of the things that couples must do if they want to love each other for a lifetime. It is also a method worth trying. After all, marriage is a lifelong lesson. .

2. Don’t have to argue about who is right and who is wrong

? You said you would pay the electricity bill, have you paid it? The wife asked her husband sternly, although she had already paid the bill. I knew my husband had completely forgotten about it. She was sure in her heart that she was right, and that was not the only thing she was right about. When she saw that her husband had made a mess at home, never liked to take a bath, ate junk food in front of the children every three days, and was always drunk every time he drove. Speeding, she knew that in these things, she was right and her husband was wrong.

However, the conflict is that his husband also thinks that he is right. Because he thinks that paying the electricity bill is nothing more than a trivial matter; he doesn’t like bathing, and his wife knew it before they got married; he blames him for driving too fast, just because his wife can’t bear to let others control the speed. Moreover, he often helped wash dishes and take out the trash, but his wife never thanked him.

Conflict in marriage is often not caused by one person being right and the other being wrong. Many couples are not thinking about the same thing at all when they argue. Therefore, when quarreling, it is best not to argue about who is right and who is wrong. It is best not to stop until someone admits their mistake and apologizes.

3. Avoid blaming each other

Once the quarrel turns into accusations and accusations, the door of communication will be closed, which will also cause great harm to the relationship between the two. As the saying goes, a slap can't make a difference. When two people have a dispute, it's best to admit that the quarrel was caused by the two people's sexual intercourse. You can't just ask the other party to apologize and admit their mistakes. You also have to reflect on yourself. Maybe you were the one who fanned the flames. The dispute got out of hand.

If you can't reconcile before sunset, you can at least find out where you made mistakes, change your attitude, and prevent the dispute from getting worse.

4. Give both parties a step down

To prevent the war from continuing to expand, the temperature must be lowered and the fire put out before the quarrel heats up. In Gottman's research, it was found that happily married couples usually have some methods to reduce each other's anger. These methods include walking away from the scene of the dispute for a while or using a pet as a buffer.

Usually this requires a sense of humor, such as making faces, sticking out your tongue, telling a few secret jokes that only the two of you understand, and using humor to calm down each other's emotions first. Sometimes there is no winner or loser in a quarrel, so if you act like a spoiled brat, maybe you can actually have a quarrel at the end of the bed and make peace at the end of the bed. The more the quarrel, the sweeter it becomes.