A joke of unity

1, the soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: * What can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

I have not heard from you for a long time, and I feel very distressed.

I thought of death. I cut my pulse with potato chips, hit my head with tofu, and parachuted upstairs.

Noodles can be inked to death.

Invited me to dinner and died.

If you feel cold, please call me! Please press 1 for feelings, 2 for work and 2 for life.

Please press 5 to introduce me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live such a life of jumping up and down again! monkey

The son is furious: leave! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." Water said, "I never get tired of flowing all day."

Tired is to surround you and hold you tight. "Said the pot," all his mama is ripe and there are so many useless talk. "

6. Have you eaten? Please receive the short message. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. It looked up at it.

At the peak of the fog, I couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7, you have grown up, there are some things you should know: the sky is used for wind and rain; The land is used to grow flowers and grass.

; I used it to prove how great human beings are; You are used to stew vermicelli.

8. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Grew up by the river.

Don't worry, the frog will tell you: sticky, sticky, sticky!

9. Money can buy a house but not a home, marriage can't buy love, clocks can't buy time and money can't buy it.

This is everything, but the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

10, God, it's so blue! Sea water, too salty! Life is too hard! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! see

You, too far away! What can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

1 1, send you 12 Zodiac. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, brave as a tiger, cute as a rabbit, confident as a dragon and charming as a snake.

Romantic as a horse, docile as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog, and looks like a pig!

12. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the stool pulled by the gibbon. After the gibbon cleaned it gently and carefully, they fell in love.

People ask how they got together. Chimpanzees said with emotion: ape dung! It's all ape shit!

13. The lion and the bear shit by the tree respectively. A month later, the lion found that the tree beside his stool was thicker than the bear's.

Strong, so he said a philosophy full of vicissitudes-lion shit is not as good as bear shit!

14. Think of a number, add 52.8, multiply by 5, then subtract 3.9343, divide by 0.5, and finally subtract.

Ten times the number you think, the answer is romantic!

15, you always fart in the office, and your colleagues can't help asking if you can keep quiet. Then I saw you sitting there on the swing.

I kept shaking and asked what you were doing, and you answered that I was vibrating!

16, Dear God, please bless those friends who don't call me, send me messages or miss me:

May the Lord throw their mobile phones into the toilet. Amen!

17, it is said that you are cruel. You are lying on four seats in the theater. When someone tells you to get up, you just hum twice.

Fang came over and the security guard said that friends are cruel enough. Which way? You gnashed your teeth and said, I fell down the aisle upstairs!

18, miss you, miss you, find a painter to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water all day and watch you-are you happy?

Pour a cup of boiling water and burn you to death!

19, dear users, at this time, we have deducted 20 yuan from your phone bill and dedicated it to the Palestinian national liberation cause.

The autonomous government has decided to award you a lofty title in the name of the whole Arab world: Ben Shah Lebacq!

20. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in her stupidity.

No regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

2 1, I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you, whether I care about you, I care about you.

I care about you as much as I care about you, little man. I'm confused by you!

22. Have you ever heard of it? Looking back 500 times in previous lives, I brushed it in this life. Close friends like you and me, go to bed.

I seem to have done nothing in my life, so I fucking turned around!

1. Are you in a meeting? Yeah, it's not convenient to talk, is it? Ah, then I said, listen, okay, I miss you. Oh, do you miss me? You were really bad yesterday. Hello.

2. Dialogue between fortune teller and lady: Your life is not good. Why? Because you have a bad omen. Can I take off my bra? No, as soon as you take off the bad omen, there will be two big waves in your life.

3. A psychopath sang in bed, turned over and continued to sing on the pillow. The attending doctor asked him why. Psycho: Idiot, of course, you must sing B after singing A side.

4. Drunk: Honey, our house is haunted. As soon as I opened the door to go to the bathroom just now, the light turned on automatically. After urinating, turn off the light and go out by yourself. The wife cursed: You spilled urine in the refrigerator again.

The swimming coach is frank and loud. One day, he saw a female student in a shopping mall. He said loudly, you really can't recognize her with your clothes on!

6. During the lecture, the zipper of the female teacher's pants opened, and a girl stood up to remind: Teacher, your door was not closed! The teacher waved his hand: Never mind, the dean will visit in a moment.

7. Modern beauty vows: confuse the mind and wisdom of a 60-year-old man, seize the property of a 50-year-old man, separate the wife and children of a 40-year-old man, break the waist of a 30-year-old man and revolve around me of a 20-year-old man!

8. Early the next morning, the bride walked out of the bridal chamber in pain, holding the wall with one hand and covering her nakedness with the other, cursing: liar! What a liar! Before I got married, I said I had thirty years' savings. I thought it was money!

9. Boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a clear line: animals cross the line. Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line, and the woman slapped the man hard: you are not even as good as an animal!

10. In the shade of the hospital, a couple are hugging and kissing. A doctor saw it and went over to the man and said, "You are so confused. You should put her flat on the ground for artificial respiration. Go away and let me do it. "

1 1. One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!

12. A fly mother and son are eating. The son frowned and asked his mother, "Mom, why do we eat shit every day?" Mother said, "Don't say such disgusting things when eating, eat while it's hot!" " "

Two ladies are complaining about the crowded bus now, which makes them very miserable. One said, "I'm really unlucky!" I was squeezed in the car. " One said, "I'm unlucky!" The car is so crowded that I'm pregnant. "

A man went to a brothel and asked a woman the price. The woman replied: 50 yuan. The man saw it was cheap and did it. The woman said: Please pay 100 yuan. The man asked her why. The woman replied that she was in and out of 50 yuan. The man said angrily: You fucking move in China, and you charge in two ways!

Beijing-Kowloon Railway is open to traffic, and farmers along it look. A female passenger on the bus came for a holiday, corrected the paper and went out the window. The paper stuck to the farmer's face, and the farmer took it off and said, honey, it was so fast! A piece of paper can break your nose and bleed!

That night, my husband was reading in bed. He puts his hand between his wife's legs from time to time. Wife undresses and coquetry. The husband asked, why? The wife asked, What are your hands doing? The husband said solemnly: wet hands. Turning pages is easy!

One day, a monk met a nun and wrote a couplet: the first part: I didn't hang up during the day; The second part: I hung up at night; Part II: I am very free! The first couplet of a nun: daytime hole. The second couplet: the hole is empty at night. Cross: The request (ball) is answered.

Anhui has been famous for its wine since ancient times: a girl with her legs crossed and full of alcohol; Young men's legs are lifted, and gold seed wine; The old lady lifts her legs and Gu Jing salutes; As soon as the old man's legs are lifted, the holy spring will dry beer! Your legs are up, Chivalrous Spring Wine!

The father took his son to take a bath, and the ground was slippery. When the son was about to slip, he grabbed his father's genitals and didn't fall. Father scolded, it's fucking good for you to come with me. You have to come with your mother to kill you!

A student studying in the United States went home to visit relatives, boasting: American factories are advanced in technology, pigs are brought in, and sausages are introduced! His father was very angry when he saw that he worshiped foreign things and admired foreigners. He said, your mother and I are better. I pushed the sausage in and a live pig came out!

The twins are chatting in their mother's belly. The boss said: Dad is a nice person and often sticks his head out to see us. He just doesn't like hygiene, so he throws up and leaves. The second said, it's better to be an uncle next door. After vomiting, he put the sputum in a bag.

The man can't go home for a long time, and his wife is very uncomfortable. One day, before he asked his wife to take down the mirror, she happily did so. He separated his wife's legs, put his chin on her vagina and asked her, Do I look good with a beard?

The condom said to the sanitary napkin, "I'm really afraid of you." Every time you go to work, I have no business for a week. " The sanitary napkin was angry: "Don't pretend, if you are a little fucking negligent, my business will be ruined in ten months."

The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

A migrant worker went to the hospital for examination because of a blocked stool. After examination, the doctor gave the man a prescription. Migrant workers went to the medicine collection office and saw that it was a roll of toilet paper. He's confused. The doctor said: Don't wipe your ass with a cement bag in the future.

A 70-year-old man was so excited to have sex with a young lady that he lost his sperm and died. Her family refused to take the young lady to court. The judge asked the forensic doctor to conduct an autopsy to find out the reason. The next conclusion after forensic autopsy: so comfortable!

Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

After a candlelight night in a bachelor's bridal chamber, the bride struggled to hold the wall out and scolded, "liar, he said he had thirty years' savings, and I thought it was money!" " !"

An old man went to Gaochao Village to do business by bus. On the way, I asked the waitress: Is the climax here? The waitress said, not yet. After a while, he asked: Has the climax arrived yet? The waiter said, what's the hurry, bad old man I'll scream when the orgasm comes!

A lady ordered a stir-fried whip flower while eating, and accidentally fell between her legs when picking vegetables. The young lady was shocked: this thing is really amazing! Cooked and chopped, it actually knows the way!

On the bus, a young man saw a beautiful woman with a low collar and spring leaked out. He joked,' It's really a place where peach blossoms bloom.' Hearing this, the beauty lifted her skirt and said,' There is still room for you to have children and raise me!

My son sleeps with his mother every night. Mom said that you grew up, married a daughter-in-law and slept with your mother. Son: Well, mom said, what about your wife? The son said, let her sleep with her father. Dad said excitedly: this child has been sensible since childhood!

The rooster is on a business trip for a month. When he came back, he heard that quail was getting old. The rooster became suspicious. Two days later, the hen laid a quail egg. The cock was furious, and the hen hurriedly explained: premature birth!

It's embarrassing for village women to report it! I was raped last night. The policeman asked him what the man looked like. I didn't see it clearly, but I must be a novice, because he couldn't find the place for a long time, and finally I helped him in.

The girl came home in the middle of the night and was attacked by seven thugs. When she was in danger, an aunt stepped forward and saved the raped girl. In a radio interview, the aunt said: actually, I didn't think about anything at that time. I just don't think this good thing can be completely cheap, that little slut!

The head of a poor village introduced the situation in the village: eating depends on the party, dressing depends on spinning, getting rich depends on grabbing, and daughter-in-law depends on thinking; Communication basically depends on yelling, traffic basically depends on walking, public security basically depends on dogs, and sexual life basically depends on hands!

The butcher was arrested for whoring and issued a receipt. One day, the butcher and his wife found this receipt, but they only knew 4000 yuan and didn't know the word' whoring'. They asked the butcher: what is a fine of 4000 yuan? The butcher replied: punish me for injecting water into the meat!

A gentleman was drunk and accidentally threw up in the ladies' room. It happened that a woman was urinating, and a gentleman was angry and said,' You said you didn't drink, why did you pour wine? The woman stopped suddenly, but she didn't expect to hold her breath. You were furious:' Who the fuck opened another bottle! '

When a gangster broke into a house and raped a woman, he met with fierce resistance. The husband came back from other places and saw his wife being held down by gangsters. He swung a shovel and slapped her angrily. He heard her scold, "damn it, I resisted for a long time and you photographed me with a shovel."

The leader of the unit made a concluding speech: the reasons for our poor work are as follows: First, we slept like a widow and there was no one on it; Second, like a prostitute, the coat is always changed; Third, just like sleeping with a wife, our own people are always screwing our own people.

I was arrested on September 28th. 1949. On the first day, the enemy beat me up, and I didn't confess. The next day, the enemy threw pepper water at me, and I didn't ask; On the third day, the enemy confessed with a honey trap; On the fourth day, I wanted to confess that I was fucking liberated.

A Japanese woman is taking a bath in the sauna and wants to find a China macho man to give her a bath. When the macho man was rubbing, he suddenly had a high sexual desire and inserted his penis into his shame. Japanese woman is furious: What are you doing? The macho man said: wipe inside!

In the evening, fools go to the park to watch couples make love and love to watch. The next morning, when they see a man doing push-ups, they will watch carefully. The man was furious: * * * What are you looking at! Fool said: then you are * * *, why are the ordinary servants gone!

A man found his son wearing a condom after work and was busy reprimanding his son. The son said indignantly, "Tomorrow we will play a play, some as good people and some as bad people. I asked the teacher what I could play. " "The teacher said," you play a crane!

Two history teachers get married, both for the second time; After entering the bridal chamber, the woman went out to ask for the alliance: the night attack on Pearl Harbor frightened the beauty (fine); The man is right: two atomic bombs, Japan and Germany (had to) surrender; Horizontal batch: World War II!

A flea cried his misfortune to his partner: I used to live by a man's beard, but it took me a long time to reach a woman's pubic hair. As a result, I woke up the next morning and found myself growing back on a man's beard!

There must always be some philosophy in life ... life is like being raped: resisting or enjoying; Work is like whoring: if you can't do it yourself, let others do it; Society is like masturbation: everything must be solved by your own hands!

Ni Ping had a bullwhip when he visited Mengcheng, which was delicious. What is that? Feng Gong said, there are cows! The cow said, Feng Gong also has it! Ni Ping asked: Do I have it on me? Both of them replied: sometimes, sometimes not.

A fool has been married for half a year and has no children. My father asked my son if he had done anything, but he didn't understand. My dad said to hit your daughter-in-law with the hardest part of your body. The next day, her daughter-in-law said to him, your son is crazy. He's been banging his head against the urinal all night!

Beautiful women urinate urgently, urinate on the side of the road, there is no paper, wipe it with leaves. The leaves have thorns and the genitals are very painful. The beauty was unhappy and said, "I can't stand eating meat all day and coming back with vegetables."

The village chief came home drunk in the middle of the night, lying in the pigsty by mistake, and asked his wife to pour him water. The sow snorted a few times, and the village chief said, "Forget it, why bother!" " Reaching for the pig's milk, he smiled and said, "Shit, I bought inferior leather clothes again, and it's double-breasted!" "

The old man took the train and mistakenly put his foot into the compartment of a lady opposite when he was resting at night. After a few days, I felt itchy and uncomfortable. The doctor decided it was syphilis, and the old man even called it rare. The doctor said, "What are you talking about? There was a beriberi man in B yesterday! ! "

Women have small breasts and are difficult to marry. When dating, the man asked if there were any buns, and the woman said yes! ! The man then agreed to get married. On the wedding night, the man ran out of the bridal chamber and shouted, "Oh, my God, Wang Zi steamed bread!" " "

It is said that a man has an affair with a woman. After entering, the man lay motionless on the woman's body and said gently, we are together now, and the woman is a little unhappy. The man violently attacked, and the woman shouted: Mobile is better than Unicom.

Eight don't understand: you don't drink the toast, the leader touches it first, the leader goes by car, the leader talks a long story, the leader talks nonsense, the leader takes a shower first, the leader turns over the table, and the leader listens to the cards and you touch it yourself.

A little girl lives with her blind mother. One day, a woman and her lover secretly made love in the back room. The moaning voice alarmed her mother, asked her why, and answered that she had heatstroke. When the mother came in to visit, the lover stood up from the woman and leaned against the wall, not daring to move. Mom wanted to touch her forehead, but she hugged her lover by mistake. She was frightened and said, "It's so hot, the walls are sweating."

Husband and wife live with their young children, have sex in the middle of the night, and suddenly find that their son is missing and busy looking for him. They crouched behind the door with their arms crossed. The husband said, "Come back quickly, it's windy behind the door." The son said angrily, "Don't lie, it's windy under the covers."

A man went to the toilet after drinking. When he came back, he said to his companion, "This hotel has a good business. Even the toilet has two tables!" So I continued to drink. Immediately, a group of people rushed into the room, pinned the man down and fought. The companion asked him why, and replied, "This kid just goes to our private room to pee!" " "

The man took off his clothes and showed his girlfriend his biceps, saying, "This is equivalent to 50 kilograms of explosives." Then he took off his pants and pointed to his thigh and said, "This is equivalent to 100 kg of explosives." Then he took off his underwear, and his girlfriend ran to the door and exclaimed, "Oh, my God! The lead is so short

On the bus, a man ran into anonymous, and the woman was furious and said, you can't stand on three legs! The man waved his hand and said, forget it. I won't argue with you. You're full of it anyway

The husband came home and found his wife and doctor lying in bed. Doctor: Don't get me wrong, I'm taking her temperature. Husband: If what you put into my wife's body has no scale, you are dead.

A man was walking through a cemetery in the middle of the night when he heard a knock at the door. The more he listened, the more afraid he became. Finally, he saw a man carving a tombstone. I was relieved and said to the other party: I almost scared to death! What are you doing? They carved my name wrong. I'll change it!

A soldier disguised as a man went to war one day, and his period suddenly came, and his ass was red. The company commander asked, "Where are you hurt?" The female soldier quickly said, "No, nothing." The company commander quickly took off her pants and was surprised: "What if * * * * blows up?"

An AIDS patient wrote a couplet before he died: the first couplet is: live for * * * *, die for * * *, and fight for * * * * all his life; The bottom line is: eat * * * losses, be fooled by * * *, and finally die on * * * *. The horizontal line is * * * mildew.

The ant married the elephant, but the elephant died a few days later. The ant was very sad and cried and scolded: Dear, why did you walk in front of me? I don't have to do anything in my fucking life, so I buried you.

Tang Priest met a banshee in the Western Heaven, observed that her breasts and buttocks were relatively fat, and wanted to have sex. When she saw this scene, the banshee shouted, Elder! My little girl is afraid of having sex when she menstruates! Hearing this, the Tang Priest folded his hands: Amitabha, I'm here to learn from the scriptures!

The camel and the elephant met on the road, and the elephant said strangely, hey, why did your chest grow on your back? That's weird. The camel was unhappy and said, die, go away, I won't talk to jj's face.

The director and the driver went to the show together. When they arrived at the door, the security guard let the director in and stopped the driver. The driver said indignantly, he and I are a system. Let me in. Security guards should also be unreasonable: jj and maruko are also a system. If the penis goes in, the balls can't go in. Driver: Yes. . . . .