Jokes, funny messages

1. Q: What is the antonym of mobile phone A: Foot.

2. There is a meat steamed stuffed bun. One day, he went to drink, but he was drunk, so he walked with a telephone pole, vomited and turned into steamed bread.

(I like this best) Hahahaha ~ ~

Xiao Ming's father has three sons. The first one is called Da Mao, the second one is called Er Mao, and the third one is called What? It's called Sanmao. ..... because Xiao Ming is a woman.

How many brothers does Aladdin have? Three. Alajia, Alab, Alabing.

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid. Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions. Squid is very happy to say: you take the exam! Then the man roasted the squid. ..

6. One day, mung bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became a red bean; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite!

Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew. . .

8. A pair of corn fell in love, so they decided to get married. On the wedding day, one corn can't find another.

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn? Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

9. Xiao Huamei said to her mother: Mom, I don't feel well today, and I don't want to go to school ... What does Mom say is wrong?

Xiao Huamei said, I don't know why I always feel sour all over.

10. A couple went to double suicide together, but their money was only enough to buy a bottle of pesticide, and the amount of this bottle of pesticide was only enough for one person to die, but in the end both of them died. Why? Answer: They bought this bottle of pesticide, opened the bottle cap, and the bottle cap said: Another bottle. (hahaha ~)

1 1. There is a Grenade. One day, after eating, it cleaned its teeth. Suddenly, it found a thorn between its teeth. It exploded with a hard pull. ...

12. Xiaoming's father said to Xiaoming: If you are good today, Dad will take you to the market to watch others eat sugar.

13. An international student took a driver's license test in the United States, and the road sign ahead prompted him to turn left. Not sure, he asked the examiner, "Turn left?"

Answer: "Yes", so ... hang up ... (Hahahaha ~ this bird can't)

14. Q: Where do users like to turn off their phones most? A: Ningbo asked: Why? Answer: "Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is power off." ...

15. One person felt sore feet when walking. Looking down, he stepped on a lemon!

17. China students had an accident on a foreign highway, and even people and cars jumped off a cliff. When the traffic police arrived, they shouted down: Hello? I'm fine, thank you. Then the traffic police left and the overseas students died.

18. A group of great scientists played hide-and-seek in heaven after their death. It's Einstein's turn to arrest people. He counted to 100 and opened his eyes. He saw everyone hiding, but Newton was still standing there. Einstein walked over and said, "Newton, I got you." Newton: "No, you didn't catch Newton." Einstein: "You are not Newton. Who are you? " Newton: "What do you see under my feet?" Einstein looked down and saw Newton standing on a square floor tile one meter long and one meter wide, puzzled. Newton: "This is a square meter under my feet, and I stand on it, which is Newton/square meter, so you don't catch Newton, you catch Pascal." (This is one spoonful more, hahahaha)

19. Use division to make sentences. Child: A train passes by, besides, besides.

20. Tell you a funny story ~ ~ A chicken slipped down the mountain ... This is an interesting story.

2 1. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang.

He is dead.

On the day of the funeral.

His family cried and said

Cool ... cool. '

Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?"

The family cried:' Great ... awesome! !

22.

One day, turtle's father, turtle's mother and turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They brought a Shandong pie and two cans of sea water.

Chicken, and then set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor and unloaded their equipment accurately.

Prepare dinner. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener!

Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." 」

Father Tortoise: "Good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! "

Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! "

So turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, time flies, 20 years have passed, but the turtle son has not appeared yet.

Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm super hungry ... "

Tortoise Dad: "No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! "

It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start.

Take out the pie and get ready to eat. ...

Suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree. ...

Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years, and finally.

I have been waiting for you! I hate being cheated!

23.

Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are named Xin, just like some people are short of water, so you are named Miao, and some people are short of wood, so you are named Sen.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

24.

A boyfriend and girlfriend were sitting on a park bench in love, and the woman suddenly wanted to fart.

Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it?

Men are willing to listen

So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted.

W: Does it sound like a cuckoo?

Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it!

25.

The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry and scolded: * * If I don't come back, I will die! At this time, there was a snail's voice outside the door: you said that Lao Tzu would not go!

26.

One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. The elephant stood up. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it.

27.

Elephants accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and the ants that built their nests climbed onto the elephants one by one. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it".

28.

One day in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? "

29.

Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

30.

Xiao Ming: "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy ..."

3 1.

Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch .............."

Someone can't help asking, "What's next?"

Continue to tell the story: "Below? No ... "

32.

A man who just learned a foreign language was walking in the street that day. He accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." The foreigner was stupid and asked, "What are you sorry for?" The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry."

33.

A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King.

Dear Wukong:

I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read fast!

It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days!

Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter?

Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day!

Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl!

Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket!

It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, or it will be very uncomfortable if you can't pee here!

P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck!

34.

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

35.

Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." The man went back in January, and the street where he lost his money was dug up to build roads. He couldn't help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

36.

Classic joke: One day, an ant was sunbathing when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly. It got up and straightened its front legs. The rabbit next to you is busy asking what you are doing. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him."

37.

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! " Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football.

38.

The tortoise and the hare raced ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, Come on up, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him, Come up, too ... So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ..

39.

One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks. ........

40.

A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf first ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ no choice but to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was angry ~ He took out 100rmb and fell into the water and cursed, "*-# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself! ! !