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Related jokes

1. The three most popular words during the Iraq war: peace, war and discovery. Connect these three words and read them aloud for three times, and you will find a shocking secret …

I fart ...

2. The reason why Yang Xiu was killed: One day Yang Xiu went to the bookstore to buy books, and saw that the author of a book was Montesquieu. Yang Xiu laughed at the sky: "Ha ha ha ha, Meng De this bird can write books!"

3. Once upon a time, there was a great soldier.

His sword is cold;

His hands are cold;

His heart is cold,

Finally,

He froze to death. ...

This story tells us to wear more clothes in cold weather. ...

A Shandong student and his roommate from Northeast China went to the grocery store to buy instant noodles. On the way, Northeast China said to itself, "What's the smell of the whole? The whole cow with onion flavor ... "Shandong people don't know what all means, so they ask the northeast people, and the northeast people tell him that all means eating. Once two people went to the toilet together, and it happened that the toilet was shut off, and there was 22 thousand gold in it ~ ~ ~ The Northeastern patted his thigh: "What a mess!" ~ "Shandong people listened forward and vomited with their hands on the wall. ...

A prince fell in love with a princess, but the prince was enchanted by a witch and could only say one sentence a year. The prince worked hard for five years and saved five words. He ran to the princess and said, "Princess, I love you! ~ "The princess said," What, what did you say? " Prince: "..."

6. This is a true story …

In an English class, a boy was suddenly in a hurry and asked the teacher for leave. The teacher said, "Go." The boy endured a class, which was very romantic and Xiu Yuan-style. I think I will go up and down for what I want.

After class, the teacher asked him, "Why don't you go to the toilet when you are so depressed?" The boy replied, "You don't want to talk about it." Teacher: "..."

7. Three years ago, each of us had a puppy. You call it face, I call it ass. Later, you were shameless. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face. If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass!

8. A college student was captured by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and tortured him. Someone asked him which school he went to, or electrocuted him. He admitted it, but was electrocuted.

He said, "I ... I ... am from ... RTVU ..."

The prisoner was shot, but the first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullets. Then the second and third shots were fired ... At this time, the prisoner couldn't stand it and cried and said, "Brother, you strangle me!" This is so scary ... "

10. In the prison, a condemned man walked around uneasily. A kind-hearted prison guard said to him, "Don't be afraid, the current is very strong. It will be fine in a blink of an eye, and it won't hurt." Then there was a scream from the execution ground. "What's that noise ..." The prisoner asked trembling. "I don't know." The guard stood up and looked inside. After a while, the guard came back. "Nothing, catch up with the power failure, so we have to use candles." The guard said casually.

1 1. Motorcyclists like to wear clothes backwards, that is, buckle their mouths at the back to keep out the wind. One day, he drove under the influence of alcohol, overturned and fell headlong on the side of the road. Here comes the police:

Policeman A: What a terrible car accident.

Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back.

Policeman A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back.

Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around.

Policeman A: Well, I'm not breathing. .......

12. One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guandi Temple. The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. " The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." The pig said, "people who fart will blush." Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away, and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」

13. A patient went to see a doctor. The doctor examined him, frowned and said, "You are too ill. I am afraid that you will not live long. " Patient: "Please tell me, how long can I live?" Doctor: "Ten …" The patient asked anxiously: "Ten what? Ten years and ten months? Ten days? " Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five ..."

14. Teacher: "Can you tell me the same characteristics of18th century scientists?"

Student: "Yes, they are all dead."

15. A rhinoceros dung beetle fell in love with a mosquito. When the beetle asked the mosquito what to do, the mosquito said, "Nurse, give me an injection." The tapir patted his thigh: "Fate, I was rubbing pills in the Chinese Medicine Bureau ..."

16. A person takes a driver's license when studying abroad. When I saw a road sign turning left during the road test, I hesitated a little and asked the examiner uncertainly, "Turn left?" Examiner: "Yes." So I failed the road test. ...

17. The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage: "This horse can only understand the language of the church, and it will run if it is called' Thank God'; It stopped when it was called' Praise God'. " Farmers are skeptical about this. He tried to shout "Thank God" and the horse ran faster and faster at once. A frightened farmer ran to the edge of the cliff and remembered that the password of "Praise God" had stopped him. Sure enough, the horse stopped. The farmers who survived the accident breathed a sigh of relief: "Thank God ..." (The teacher spoke in English yesterday ...)

18. Gorbachev visited the United States, and Reagan invited him to enjoy the latest high-tech product in the United States-fully automatic super comfortable toilet. After Gorbachev used it, he admired it from the bottom of his heart and secretly made up his mind that we should also develop it. After returning home, he asked a scientific research department to develop it successfully before Reagan returned. The first thing Reagan did when he arrived in the Soviet Union was to gloat and try their toilets. As a result, he found a more advanced, simulated hand and did it perfectly. Reagan kept trying, hoping to find any shortcomings. As a result, when I tried for the eighth time, a head suddenly emerged from under the toilet: "You are finished, how many times have I wiped it for you!" "

19. A young man will be enlisted in the army, and an ophthalmologist in a military hospital will check his eyesight. The young man admitted that he was nearsighted. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right. It is myopia. " The young man was very happy to hear this sentence. "Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "No ... I wrote that I could take part in hand-to-hand combat."

20. Saddam's team was surrounded by American troops. After a few days, they couldn't hold on, so they sent a guard out to inquire about the situation. When he came back, he made a V-shaped gesture to Saddam. Saddam was very happy: "Great, we won!" " The guard looked sad: "What, just you and me ..."

About slip of the tongue

1, the bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

6. Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

9, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

12 I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

13, one day when I was at school, there was a phone call for me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

15, once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here", but this time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

19, everyone was given badges in high school. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23, a colleague, one day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. I asked where there was an inflatable one. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions!"

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

27. On one occasion, when we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, the tour guide only introduced that the Hundred Steps Ladder was a scenic spot in Liu Xiaoqing. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

28. At that time, several female classmates came to my house to play. I'll get the water. They turn on the DVD player to watch movies. I heard Cantonese in the back room. Then I shouted to turn down the channel. The channel is wrong, and I am speechless. My face was red and purple ~ ~ I almost fainted ~ ~

29. In my high school, I go home with my MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many seniors on the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted "Boss, five strings of bullwhip", and then there was silence. Three seconds later, everyone laughed together. I am so embarrassed. . . The most embarrassing thing is that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is a cow's tail." .

30. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. Tell a true story. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer is dying. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . . Fresh in my memory.

33. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

34. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

35. In the past, we had a political economy teacher who was very fond of talking! I once talked about the strength of the dollar. He said, "Do you know why only the US dollar is called' Dollar', but you have never heard of it as' British Gold' or' French Gold'?"

36. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: Look at your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

37. The female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the dinner. I don't know why I made the following mistake: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently, please eat more!" " At that time, everyone was spouting rice. .

38. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " I laughed until I got off ~!

39. I used to be crazy about online games, and I often killed myself in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

40. When I used to live on campus, I used to have bunk beds. The mobile phone needs to be recharged once. But there is only one socket in a bed, so reading with a lamp can't be recharged. As a result, A plugged the charger into B, and B wanted to listen to music at night. When he saw A's charger, he shouted, "Hey, I said, why do you always plug it into me?" Why don't you put it under you? "After a commotion, sweating like a pig ~ ~

4 1, when I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

42. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

43. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

44. The roommate boiled water with hot water. After the water boiled, the fellow read leisurely and motionless. He couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Do you want to unplug it?" It's too noisy. . "No response. 15 seconds later, he added, "It's very hot there, so it's easy to break down all the time. " 。" Nothing happened. In half a minute, the water was completely boiled and splashed. "That what, shoot. Spit out a lot of things louder and louder, and if you insert them again, you are afraid it will harm people. . Are you sure you won't pull it? " . . . A thick book flies towards my head! ! ! ~

45. Our head teacher teaches senior three math ... When he reviews for us ~ Every time he draws a picture and a ray ~ ~ he says loudly ~ ~ ` Watch it, classmates ~ ~ I took it.

46. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. Seeing Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside, he went up and asked, "Wife ..."

47. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

48. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

49. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

50. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

5 1. Once in ktv, I ordered a song, and a mm shouted: Give me a stick chop of "Double Jielun" every week. .....

Related jokes

1 I once took an IC card on the bus and lined up to get on the bus. The man in front threw a coin, and my brain shorted out and I threw the IC card in. ...

My neighbor forgot his key, turned it over from my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and opened his door. What's even more amazing is that I met on the balcony from beginning to end and didn't feel anything wrong. Well, our heads must have passed through the same door.

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

When cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "go, cut the carrots into diced meat!"

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

Drink with leaders and others, raise your glass and say loudly, "Let's die together!" " My brain was too hot.

Once I was chatting while eating in the canteen, I suddenly found myself dropping a grain of rice outside, secretly feeling sorry for the farmer's uncle's waste of food, so I picked it up and ate it. But then I found out that these rice didn't seem to be mine ... (this is too much)

Pinch the cock by the neck but dare not go under the knife. After a long pause, I strangled the chicken.

I was drinking with some friends one night, and some people drank too much. One of them fell asleep on the side of the road, so we couldn't lift him, so we discussed finding something to cover him so as not to catch cold. When I saw him a few days later, he said that he woke up the next day and found three bicycles on him.

Humor about a sentence

1. Push me again and I'll play dead for you!

There are so many people who look down on me. Who are you?

Give it to me and don't worry, there's nothing wrong with it!

Relax, I'm not a good person. ......

5. How dare I charge you if you don't thank me!

6. Don't tell me to bring it on-I have two generations of love!

7. If you ignore me, I will be a dog!

8. When will there be a bright moon? Ask Yi Zhongtian!

9. If you can't reach it, try stepping on your right foot with your left foot.

10. Some people are alive and she is dead. Some people are alive, and he should have died!

1 1. You said ... Do you like me? Actually ... first of all ... actually, I also ... I told you, actually, I like myself.

12. Do you drink water, drink water or drink water? You choose!

13. Hey, say what should be said and whisper what shouldn't be said.

14. Zi once said: Don't take my tolerance for you as your shameless capital!

15. Don't think I'm unattainable just because I'm handsome. In fact, I am a sea of rivers.

16. Today the weather is fine, windy and rainy.

17. As a typical failure, you really succeeded!

18. Three heads are better than one, and one is Zhuge Liang.

19. In this golden autumn of red leaves and maple leaves. ......

20. If you bother me again, I'll tie you to a straw boat and borrow an arrow!

2 1. The wind is rustling and the water is cold. Pay back the money you owe!

22. A: Where to eat? I have no money.

B: Let's go to the restaurant. It's on me.-the hose.

A: Without revenge, it is difficult to swallow this evil spirit.

B: Then how can I let you die?

24. If there is a way to learn, do it first, and there is no limit to learning. 25. The world belongs to us and our sons, but in the end it belongs to those grandchildren.

26. How much is this pair of shoes? .

27. I was really blind at the beginning. ...

28. Is this blind man blind?

29. I won't say anything until I'm killed. You haven't played the honey trap yet!

30. Not only am I lucky, but my beriberi is also good!

3 1. Damn it, don't ask single men such questions!

32. Can you say stealing about a scholar?

I really want to kill this bug, but my tongue is not long enough. ...

She is so fat that my thighs can't twist her arms.

I am the moderator of the humorous version of Youzhou Taiwan Forum. Please call me if you need more.