Want to joke! Speed! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

1. A really romantic proposal should be like this: a handsome guy invited 10 colleagues to dinner, including him.

In the middle of his favorite mm's meal, he suddenly stood up and walked beside mm, and then moved the chair where mm sat by 90 degrees.

Facing himself, at this moment, mm's mouth was full of all kinds of food ... At this moment, he suddenly took out four stacks of money from his pocket and said, "This is.

40 thousand yuan deposit, will you marry me? "mm immediately stunned, tears welled up in her eyes, sobbing to take.

After a while, the money detector said, "These are all true-I am real!" " "(in the same boat)

I just went to the railway station to buy a ticket, but I returned empty-handed. I saw a slogan on the road: Chengdu is a person who doesn't want to leave when he comes.

Now I finally understand the meaning of this sentence! Chengdu, please take me to the train tonight! (blue starry sky)

3. Award-winning notice: under the leadership of the principal, with the support of the Academic Affairs Office, with the cooperation of the Logistics Office and under the guidance of the instructor, I

Three students from our school won the first prize in the * * Cup Composition Competition held by Tianjin universities. Due to the limited space, the winners are all surnamed.

The famous soldier will be notified separately! (I love Nankai)

4. Four students were playing mahjong in the dormitory, when suddenly the police broke into the house and took all five of them away ... (unnamed Peking University)

Jia Jue once said to me privately, "An extremely blunt knife is the most lethal-because it is a hammer!" (Tianya Nestle)

University campus)

6. After the conductor pushed the last passenger on the bus desperately, the passenger turned around and kindly advised, "Elder sister, don't.

Very crowded. If you can't get on, just wait for the next bus ... "(Shui Mu Community)

7. At the school job fair, Michelin asked a question: Why can't birds stand on the high-voltage line?

Electric shock?

A classmate in my dormitory replied: Because it is wearing Michelin rubber shoes! (Reprinted please indicate Tianya Happy Paradise)

As a result, he was the only undergraduate who was hired in the whole school. ...

8. I met an instructor during military training in college, and the whole class was badly "repaired" by him. After the military training, to celebrate "liberation", everyone

Enthusiastically threw the beloved instructor into the air. When he fell happily, he found that all the people below had left. ...

Drinking water from the source)

9. Roommate: Why did Chang 'e go to the moon? (I love Nankai)

Me: Hou Yi shot for nine days, even a fairy can't stand it! ! !

10. When I got back to the dormitory, I saw the graduate students writing at their desks, while the graduate students were absorbed in the computer. I asked, "Guys!

What are you up to? "

The postgraduate male replied: "Look at the high number!"

Bao Yan said, "Me too ..."

1 1. A commercial blockbuster from China, translated into Japanese, is "super-broken-chested Tang Dynasty senior mother, dancing selflessly, shining golden armor"&; 《

Intimate rape, foster mother の chrysanthemum mourning five generations and ten countries. (Shui Mu Community)

12. The boy next door finally vowed to lose weight-at the graduation job fair, someone said to him, "Sorry, buddy!"

Block my cell phone signal ~ "(Shui Mu Community)

13. A pig said to another pig, "People say we are pigs, let's break up!" (Unnamed Peking University)

14. Editor: You should write an article that not only breaks the secular ethics, but also contains years of grievances between Jianghu sects. At the same time, the plot should be

There are many miniature martial arts novels like Here Comes guillotines. The next day, the full text was only ten words.

: Bald donkey! How dare you rob the teacher of his originality ~ (Tianya Happy Paradise Author: chai200 1)

15. A freshman got his bag when he got off the train in Harbin. When I was depressed, I saw someone waving to him not far away, waiting for him to pass by.

The man has disappeared, leaving only the wallet he just took out on the ground. Freshmen quickly opened it and found that in addition to money.

I also have my ID card, bank card, especially my new student ID card. There is a line of chalk on the ground beside me.

Although life is difficult, thieves have ways! (clove)

16. When I went out shopping, I found a shop full of all kinds of clothes, and the glass at the door was affixed with the words: Open a shop with great rewards and high prices.

30 yuan/set, 5 yuan/piece ... I am inexplicably happy: such a good thing has finally caught up with me! In such a hurry

Trying to rush in, I looked up at the moment I entered the door: dry cleaners! (Shui Mu Community)

17. Today, I went to school to get my diploma. When I was happy, I grabbed a passing buddy and asked, "Hey, what's the name of this school?"

what did you say ? "The elder brother stared at me and said mercilessly," How should I know? I am only a freshman! " (Happy at the end of the world.

Garden Author: Weeping Days)

18. After a hard and busy day, there is always a little expectation when I go back to my nest to open the door every night: suddenly a person jumps down from the door.

Come out with a smile and see me blindfolded ... * _ * Of course it's a fable. If there is, it may be a thief ~ (Tianya

Happy Paradise Author: Little Brother of the Landlord)

19. At the beginning of freshman year, a buddy came to our dormitory carrying luggage. He asked the boss who slept in the lower berth: "No one lives in your upper berth.

Right? "The boss didn't care in a daze and casually replied," No! " Hearing this, this guy tried his best to put a

Bags of luggage were thrown into the upper berth-as a result, there was no bed board in the upper berth! (Shui Mu Community)

20. A couple told the old doctor with a sad face that they had been married for ten years and had no children. After giving them a physical examination,

The old doctor was surprised to find that this woman is still a virgin! After the two described their sex life, the old doctor was shocked.

However, it turns out that after ten years, they can only know anal X! After the husband and wife understand the reason, they also feel embarrassed. At this time, the old doctor

The teacher comforted: "Nothing, that is, you didn't go to college!" " The husband asked inexplicably, "Ah ~ Is it too big?"

Learn these things? "the old doctor answered slowly," going to college is boring => = > buying a computer = > see * * * => more boring.

=> See more * * * ... After several rounds, will college students make such a low-level mistake as you? "The husband felt ashamed after hearing this.

Slowly lowered his head and asked what to do. Looking at the innocent middle-aged couple, the old doctor took out a dozen from the drawer.

Wu Tenglan's movie "You must study first" at this time, his wife blushed and said, "In fact, we also watched that."

Some ... educational movies and * * * ... "The old doctor said impatiently," What you see is just secretive and boring, so it is necessary.

It's the kind that sucks. Look at what I tell you! "A month later, his wife was pregnant! Zhang (surname)

My husband knelt in front of the old doctor in tears and said a famous saying that is still circulating today: People don't know Wu Tenglan, so they read it all.

* * * is also in vain! (the best of both worlds)

A patient came to see a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always thought I was a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?

Patient: Because I am a bird.

(2)

A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient, What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied, then I can't hear you.

The doctor listened: mm-hmm. It is normal.

The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?

The patient replied, then I won't watch it.

The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.

(3)

There are two mental patients. They escaped from the hospital.

They run and run. They climbed a tree.

One of them jumped from the tree.

Go away, go away.

Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey, why don't you come down?

The man above answered him: no-good-ah.

I'm not familiar with it-

(4)

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.

Squatting in front of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two spent a month in silence.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

(5)

When a mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting. The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people are going to meet them at the door. When welcoming, all patients should stand on both sides of the hospital gate and stand neatly. When I cough, everyone should clap together. The more enthusiastic the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, I can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, no one will eat steamed buns, remember? " The patients in the audience shouted together, "Remember 0.

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the welcoming patient was already standing at the door. At this time, with the cough of the hospital dean, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. The visiting leader was infected by the warm atmosphere, smiled and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital. Seeing the leader enter the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and the applause stopped completely, very neatly. Only the leaders smiled and applauded. The dean is very satisfied. Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily, "You won't eat steamed buns?" ! ! 0

(6)

Mental patient A stole the phone book from the nurse's office and went back to the ward. He asked B, "Look at this little book I recently finished."

What did you say?/Sorry? "

B looked at it and replied, "Not bad. However, there are more characters. " .

At this moment, the nurse in the mental hospital came in and said, "Give me back my phone book 1."

(7)

The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.

When the doctor heard about it, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. After a few months, the doctor felt that the patient seemed to be able to leave the hospital and decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Making money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take out the rubber band in your underwear, make a slingshot and find some stones to smash all the windows in your hospital.

(8)

Two mental patients, A Jun and B Jun, recovered at the same time. Their attending doctor said to them, "If one of you is ill, the other one will take him to the hospital at once."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "Great, Mr. B has been crawling in my toilet since this morning, which means he is my toilet." "Come on, send him quickly. 1A Jun was silent: "So ... I don't have a toilet? "

(9)

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fishes in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked, "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted, "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see it was an empty fish tank? "

( 10)

There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.

One day, the dean was there, and in order to see the patient's recovery, he thought of a way. He told these patients to come here and drew a door on the wall, saying, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

As soon as psychopaths heard this, they flocked around the painted door. The dean was very disappointed. At this time, he found a patient still sitting in the original position, feeling ok. He stepped forward and asked, "Why don't you open the door?"

He looked at what the dean said and made the dean laugh and cry.

The patient secretly told the dean, "I have the key here."

( 1 1)

Mental patients in hospitals usually have a worship complex for doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm ... hmm (expressing hesitation, etc.) ...

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …

A funny parrot

1. Little X goes to Bird Market. Found a parrot with a price tag of 3 yuan money. So he asked the seller: Why is your parrot so cheap?

Vendor: My parrot is stupid! Shit, I've been teaching for a long time. Up to now, I can only say one thing: who is it?

Xiao X thought it was cheap anyway, so he bought it.

When I get home at night, he thinks I won't believe in religion or you! So little x taught him to say something else all night.

But in the morning, parrot a still only talks; Who is it? So little X got angry, locked the door and went to work. After a while, a gas collector (Z for short) came.

Little z: dong, dong ... (knocking at the door)

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

……

In the evening, little X came back. I saw a man lying on the ground in front of my house, foaming at the mouth.

Little x: yo ~! Who is this?

I heard the house say, gas inspector.

2. Little X especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird walking market and found a parrot with a price of 30,000 yuan.

Curious, he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive? Buyer: My parrot is very clever! I'll say anything.

Little X bought it as soon as he heard that he was so clever.

He was very happy when he came home at night. Just play with this parrot.

X: I can walk.

Parrot: I can walk.

X: I can run.

Parrot: I can run.

X: I can fly.

Parrot: You are bragging!

3. A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that all the other birds in it were killed by it.

Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.

The host said: Don't be awesome this time.

But when you look closely, the eagle is dead, and the parrot says naked, this grandson is really amazing. You can't beat Yating without taking off your arm.

There is a bird lover who likes parrots very much. One day, he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned inside.

He decided to buy this parrot because of its beautiful fur, so he shouted: I am willing to pay 10 dollars for this parrot!

Then someone bid: I am willing to pay 20 yuan dollars!

The bird lover didn't want to give the parrot away, so he called 30 yuan ... but the other one.

The voice seemed to be against him until the bird lover called 200 yuan. ...

The man was happy to buy a parrot, but it suddenly occurred to him: I spent so much money on this parrot. If it can't talk, wouldn't I lose a lot?

So he went to ask the boss: boss … can you talk?

Then he heard the parrot shout: Can't talk? ! Who do you think was bidding to you just now? !

5. A bird dealer has three parrots. A customer came to have a look, pointed to the first parrot and asked the price.

1000 yuan, said the bird dealer.

The customer was surprised: so expensive?

Of course, because it will use Windows.

How's this? The customer pointed to the second one.

2000, because it can use UNIX

Oh, what about the third one?

3000。 Will it ... The bird dealer shrugged his shoulders and replied, I don't know what it will be. He pointed to the first two parrots,

But the two of them call it' CEO'.

6. A man was walking in the street and saw a businessman selling parrots. Seeing that the parrot was beautiful, he asked the businessman if the parrot could talk.

The businessman said: Of course! Hold its right foot.

The man shook the parrot's right foot as he said. Only the parrot clearly said: hello! Hello!

The man is very happy, said the businessman. You can hold his left foot again.

The man shook the parrot's left foot according to the words, only to hear the parrot say clearly: goodbye, goodbye. ...

The man was even happier and immediately bought a parrot.

After returning home, be in heaven touched the parrot's left foot for a while and the parrot's right foot for a while.

The parrot also obediently said: Goodbye, hello.

It suddenly occurred to him: What would it say if I put its feet together?

As soon as he grabbed the parrot's foot.

I heard the parrot say loudly: You want to kill me! ?