Humorous stories about students

A son from a wealthy family went to take an exam. His father took the exam beforehand and his score was very good. He was sure he would be admitted. Unexpectedly, his son's name was not on the list. My father rushed to the county magistrate for comment. The county magistrate brought the scroll to check, and saw a faint layer of gray fog on it, but no words could be seen. As soon as his father came home, he scolded him: "Why are your examination papers so written that no one can read them clearly?" The son cried: "No one in the examination room sharpened the ink for me, so I had to write with a pen dipped in water on the inkstone. ." The old lady was chanting Buddha. There was an old lady holding a few beads in her hand. While chanting Amitabha, Amitabha, she shouted: "Er Han, Er Han, there are too many ants on the pot. I hate it so much. Please bring fire to me." Burn them to death." Then he chanted: "Amitabha, Amitabha." Then he shouted: "Erhan, Erhan, help me remove the ashes from the bottom of the pot. Don't use your own dustpan. If you want to burn it, just ask your neighbor to borrow a dustpan. Remember, remember, "Amitabha, Amitabha" is a non-vegetarian monk. When the master saw that he was a monk, he asked: "Master, do you drink?" The monk smiled and said: "Drink a little wine, but I never eat vegetarian food." Someone complained to the county government: "You villain, tomorrow I lost my hoe. Please investigate." The county magistrate asked, "You slave! I lost my hoe tomorrow. Why didn't you report it yesterday?" The clerk next to him couldn't help but laugh. The county magistrate immediately concluded the case and said: "You must be the one who stole the hoe! What on earth did you steal it for?" The clerk replied: "I want to get rid of that fool with a hoe." The old man was worried. There was an old man who was rich and noble, and had many descendants. On his 100th birthday, the house was crowded with birthday guests, but the old man was very unhappy. Everyone asked him: "You are so blessed, why are you worried?" The old man replied: "I am not worried about anything. I am just worried that when I celebrate my 200th birthday, hundreds or thousands more people will come to congratulate me. Teach me how to do it." Can you remember them one by one?" Zheng Ji was playing with his son outside the door. The neighbor jokingly said: "Father and son are of the same blood. Just look at your son and you will know that his face is exactly the same as mine. The man holding the child said, "Yes, you and this child are brothers born from the same woman. How can our faces be different?" There are two evil villains on the back. They all had malignant sores and asked doctors to treat them. The doctor looked at one, then the second, and pretended to be horrified and said, "His heart is worse, but it can be cured. Your heart is so bad that it has become rotten. How can I cure it?" Sparrow One day, the sparrow treated the birds to wine. It said to the kingfisher: "You are wearing such bright and bright clothes, naturally please sit at the upper table." Then he said to the eagle: "Although you are bigger, you are wearing dark and ugly clothes, so I have to sit at the lower table. "Yes." The eagle replied, "Why are you such a snobbish slave?" The sparrow replied, "Who knows that I, the sparrow, have a small heart and shallow eyes?" Asked a beggar: "Why do dogs bite you when they see you?" The beggar replied: "If I have good clothes and hats, the animals will respect me." The emperor dressed as a beggar and returned from the capital. , boasting to others that he saw the emperor. Others asked him: "What clothes does the emperor wear?" The answer: "Wearing a hat carved from white jade and a robe made of gold." Asked: "How can you bow when you are wearing gold robes?" The beggar asked him after hearing this He spat and said: "Haha, I really don't understand the world! Now that you are the emperor, who do you bow to?" Afraid of drowning in wine, the customer went into the store to buy wine. After drinking a glass, he said the word "dun" and kept talking. Someone else asked, "I think you drank too much. Are you afraid of having diarrhea, so why don't you squat in a hair pit to get out?" The man pointed at the wine glass and said, "No, I just want a ridge for me to climb up." I won’t drown in this thin water.” The owner of the hotel asked someone to write a sign for the shop. After the man finished writing, he drew a knife on it. The boss was surprised and asked: "What does drawing a knife mean?" He replied: "I want to use this knife to kill the water vapor in the wine!" A hotel that flattened the gourd set a rule: all guests who come to buy and drink wine , as long as the wine is sour, he will be tied to a wooden pillar for punishment.

One day, a Taoist priest came into the shop carrying a big gourd. When he saw the man tied to the wooden pillar, he asked what the reason was. The boss replied: "He lied about my wine being sour, so I punished him." The Taoist priest said: "Please give me a drink and let me have a taste." The shopkeeper served the wine, but the Taoist priest only took a bite and ran away in a hurry. The boss was very happy because he didn't say the wine was sour, and hurriedly greeted him: "You forgot the gourd." The Taoist priest said as he ran away: "I don't want it, I don't want it anymore. You can keep it and flatten it to make a vinegar sign." A banner in Huizhou There is a family in the local area who has been involved in lawsuits with others for many years, and they are filled with resentment and boredom. On New Year's Eve, the three fathers and sons discussed: "Next year, we all have to say some auspicious words for the New Year, so as to wish us good luck in the coming year and avoid lawsuits." The sons said, "Dad, let me tell you first." The father said, "This year Okay." The eldest son said, "It's not bad luck." The younger son also said, "No lawsuits." They asked someone to write a banner with three sentences and 11 words, and put it up in the middle hall, and asked the family to read it aloud all the time. Chant it to bring good luck. Early in the morning on the first day of the new year, my son-in-law came to pay New Year greetings. He walked to the hall and looked up when he saw a banner. He read aloud: "This year is so unlucky. There will be no lawsuits." The father and son stamped their feet anxiously and kept saying: "Unlucky, unlucky!" A group of friends were sitting together, and suddenly someone farted. I didn’t know who it was. Everyone suspected someone and gathered to blame him. In fact, the man didn't fart, he didn't argue, he just laughed. Everyone asked: "What's so funny?" They replied: "The one who laughed at the fart followed everyone and scolded me." "Pay it off" every year. A man borrowed 6 taels of silver from someone, and agreed that the interest would be 5 cents for one or two months. The interest at the end of the year is 3 taels and 6 yuan. One year has passed, and the borrower asked the creditor to pay back 4 yuan in exchange for an IOU of 10 taels, and the creditor agreed. At the end of the second year, based on the calculation of 10 taels, the interest should be 6 taels. Since the man could not pay back, he asked for another 4 taels in exchange for an IOU of 20 taels. The creditor agreed again. At the end of the third year, the sum of 20 taels with interest and principal and interest was 32 taels. Since he could not pay it back, he asked for 8 taels in exchange for an IOU of 40 taels. The creditor hesitated, and the borrower said angrily: "You are so heartless! The principal and interest of the money I borrowed from you are not counted clearly for each year, and the change has been recovered. Why aren't you happy?" Yellow Fish Afraid There is a fishmonger who picks yellow croakers and has a vigorous pace. A rich man liked his strong feet and hired him to lift them. Unexpectedly, he was walking very slowly while carrying the sedan chair. The rich man asked him strangely why, and the bearer replied: "The yellow croaker is afraid of the smell, so he has to go fast. What is my husband afraid of?" Before execution, a prisoner was to be beheaded according to the law. When the officer tied him up, he unbuttoned his shirt, slapped his chest with his hands, and asked him what he meant. He said, "I'm afraid I caught a cold. This is not for fun." Halfway through the officer's escorting him, he suddenly heard the crow of a crow. He tapped his teeth three times and chanted the sutra seven times. When asked what he meant, he said: "The crow's crow means there will be a quarrel. The purpose of knocking his teeth and chanting the sutra is to avoid quarreling with others." Finally, when it was time to ask for a knife, He then begged the executioner: "Please wipe the edge of the knife clean with rough paper. I heard that if the razor is not clean, I will get sores when I shave my head; if the decapitation knife is not clean, I will get sores in the future. "When will it be ready?" A Drunken Monkey Someone bought a monkey, dressed it in clothes and hats, and taught it the etiquette of kneeling down, which was very decent. One day, the host hosted a banquet for guests and asked the monkey to perform a bow and salute. Everyone thought it was very cute. A guest gave it some wine, and it got so drunk that it took off its clothes and hat and rolled all over the floor. Everyone laughed and said, "This monkey looks like a human being when he doesn't drink wine, but when he drinks wine, he doesn't look like a human being anymore." A criminal who was about to be sentenced to death heard that there was a fool somewhere, so he recruited him. He came and took out 100 taels of silver and said, "I'll give this money to you. Go buy good clothes and good food. Your wife and family will benefit a lot. After a while, the government will send officers to check people. Could you please let me know?" They'll tie you up and they'll let you go home after a few days." Seeing the bright lights on the table, the fool quickly agreed and took the money back. An elder in the neighborhood knew about it and hurriedly came to persuade him: "Return the money to him quickly. If you lose your life, what's the use of ten thousand gold?" The fool said: "With the money returned, I can live those difficult days by myself. It's really hard." Dementia." The old man sighed and left. A fool spends money, and the whole family is very happy.

Not long after, official documents arrived calling the fool by name. The officers tied him to the execution ground and beheaded him. The fool then cried: "I regret not listening to others' advice even today! But I learned my lesson today. This is the only time I will suffer!" There were two prostitutes with black teeth and white teeth. One had black teeth and the other had white teeth. ; One tried every means to hide his black teeth, and the other tried every means to show off his white teeth. Someone asked the prostitute with black teeth what her last name was. The prostitute pursed her lips tightly, puffed out her cheeks, and mumbled in her throat: "Gu." Then asked how old she was, and she puffed up her cheeks and answered: "15." Finally, asked what she was capable of, she Then he replied in his throat: "I know how to play drums." Others asked White Teeth what the prostitute's name was, and the prostitute opened her mouth and replied: "Qin." When asked how old she was, she opened her mouth again and replied: "17." Asked what she could do, she opened her mouth wide, exposing her white teeth, and said, "I can play the piano." Boasting that his son's father walked with his son. An acquaintance of the father met his son and asked, "Who is this?" "My son." Before going to a friend's house for a dinner alone, I was half drunk and my face was red. When I went to a friend's house for a banquet, I found that the wine tasted very light, and the more I drank, the more tasteless it became. I even woke up from the wine I drank, and my face turned red. After the banquet, he said to the host: "Your wine is very good, but please give me back my red face!" An old man who wanted to be his son was described as haggard and weak, but as long as he was said to be old, he would be annoyed. He is young and loves it endlessly. After one person knew about it, he deliberately took advantage of him and said: "Although your beard and hair are white, your face is as delicate and delicate as that of a child. It is also as fresh and delicate as my newborn baby's skin." The old man was overjoyed and said: "If your face can be so fresh and delicate, , I would like to be your son." From quick to slow, the teacher was very angry that the master did not invite him to drink. When the students came to the school to study, he quickly taught the poem: "Spring Outing in Fangcaodi." The student said. I reluctantly read along with tears in my eyes. However, he understood the teacher's intention and said: "Father" The teacher asked: "What does father do?" The student replied: "Buying meat." The teacher slowed down the teaching of the poem slightly: "Appreciating the green lotus pond in summer." The students still couldn't follow. After reading, the teacher asked again: "Why does your father buy meat?" The answer: "Sir, please." The teacher's anger gradually subsided, and he slowly taught the third sentence: "Drink Huanghua wine in autumn." He asked again: "When will you please?" "Me?" Answer: "Today." The teacher was overjoyed and slowly and clearly taught the fourth sentence: "A poem about white snow in winter." There was a person who was happy to open a skylight, and he took the lead in asking everyone to chip in when doing things for relatives and friends. When hosting a banquet, he would often hide his share of the expenses and would pocket the extra money. The king of hell hated him for having such a dark conscience. Take him to the underworld and put him in a dark prison to suffer. But as soon as the man entered the cell door, he shouted: "This room is so dark. There are a few people here now. Please collect money to open a skylight. It is also bright and bright." (For the advocates of embezzlement and corruption who collect everyone's money , the proverb is called "opening the skylight") There is a crazy son who often likes to say depressing words at the wedding banquet. One day, his brother-in-law's family was getting married, and his father took him to the banquet. Just as his son was about to speak, his father said: "Weddings in his family are a time of joy, so don't say depressing words." The son said, "No need to tell me, sir, I understand: "Marriage is not a funeral." A man went out to pay for a pig's head debt during the New Year. He encountered a bird dropping feces on his hat. He thought it was unlucky and wanted to sacrifice to the Bodhisattva to eliminate the disaster, so he owed a pig's head to the butcher on credit and used it as a sacrifice. Not long after, the butcher saw him and said, "The pig's head has been owed for many days. It's time to pay." The man replied, "It's been owed for many days, but I have an analogy: If the pig doesn't give birth to a head, Are you coming to ask me for money for a pig's head?" The butcher said, "How can there be a pig without a head?" The man said, "Since this doesn't make sense, I have another idea: If I paid you back the money last year, wouldn't you? Don’t you have any more money for the pig’s head?” The butcher said, “You are even more ridiculous. If you had paid me back last year and used it, you would have saved me other money.

The debtor lowered his head and thought for a while and said, "That doesn't make sense. I'll just make it clear to you. For example, if this bird droppings were sprinkled on your head, you would definitely sacrifice a pig's head to the gods to ward off disasters. Where would you get any money for a pig's head?" Woolen cloth? "The Couple of Wind and Rain. A teacher liked to drink, and often drank like crazy. Once, he occasionally asked the students to answer a word-"rain", and the students said "wind". He added three words: "urge" Flower rain. The student said to him, "You are drunk and crazy." "Five more words were added: "It rains in the garden. "The student said to him, "We often drink alcohol and go crazy at the banquet." The teacher said, "That's right, but you shouldn't talk about my husband's shortcomings. The student said: "If I don't change my ways, I will be your teacher's teacher." "Fart article" A scholar was very good at talking and was used to helping people with lawsuits. The county magistrate hated him very much and said, "Scholars should study behind closed doors with peace of mind. Why do they have to go in and out of the Yamen?" I think the article you wrote must be ridiculous, I will give you a test when I come up with a question. "While he was thinking about the topic, he farted suddenly, so he asked him to compose an essay on the fart title. The scholar immediately respectfully presented the text: "The teacher raised his golden butt high and let out a precious fart loudly, as sweet as the sound of silk and bamboo. , the smell of musk orchid is so fragrant. It is a great honor for Xiaosheng to stand in the limelight. The county magistrate laughed and said: "This scholar can't write serious articles, but he can do fart articles extremely well." There is a cesspit for 10,000 people on the east street of this county. He was made to stand by the cesspit and smell the scent of musk and orchid every day, so that he would not disturb others when he had nothing to do. "Inexhaustible" A man asked the temple to stay at night and said, "I have things that will never be used by generations to give to your temple." "The monk was happy to let him stay and was very polite to him. The next morning, the monk asked what it was. The man pointed to a tattered curtain in front of the Bodhisattva and said, "Hey, take this thing apart and make a small lantern. Bangbang, how can we use it up for generations? "The mother of salted eggs. A and B ate salted duck eggs for the first time. A said in surprise: "The eggs I have eaten in the past are very bland. Why is this egg so salty? " B said: "Fortunately you asked me about this. Let me tell you, this egg was laid by a salted duck. " Wooden Wedge Stops Hungry A certain rich man was stingy and always gave his servant only half a full meal. One day when he was going on a long journey, the servant asked: "What if I get hungry on the way? The rich man found a rope and a wooden wedge and said, "Don't say you are hungry on the road, otherwise you will be laughed at." If you are hungry, I have a solution. Just say, "I am feeling hungry," and I will make you feel less hungry. "After walking for a long time, the servant was so hungry that he hurriedly followed the rich man's instructions. The rich man quickly took out a rope and tightened the servant's belly. After walking not far, the servant shouted again, and the rich man took out a wooden wedge and stuffed it into the rope. He found a brick, banged it against the wedge, and said, "It's so tight, I won't be hungry anymore!" " After he couldn't walk a few steps, the servant shouted more urgently. The rich man was furious. He untied the rope and the wooden wedge fell to the ground. He said, "You hungry slave, go and find someone else. I have this." What a great guy, don't worry if no one can use it. "My rough moon. Someone often humbles himself when speaking. One day, he entertained guests and while he was drinking, the moon rose. The guest said happily: "The moon is so beautiful tonight! The man quickly raised his hands and said, "Don't dare!" Don't dare! This is just a rough moon in my family. "Several officials and robbers were drinking and writing poems. Each of them had to use a poem to describe a person with the same nature as the robber. One said: "The leader collects money and the sky is open (the person who takes the lead in collecting money)." Another person said: " Defrauding people and harming others is a bad scholar. Another person said: "Four sedan chairs are coming and shouting." Everyone started shouting: "This is an official from the Yamen. How can he look like a robber?" The man replied: "You see, 9 out of 10 people sitting in a sedan chair carried by 4 people are more powerful than robbers!" "Xiucai Trial Case" A fool said: "I wish I had 100 acres of land." The neighbor said, "If you have 100 acres of land, I will raise 10,000 ducks and eat all the rice in your field." "The two quarreled and went to the government office together to review the case. When they passed the academy, they saw the high red wall and the gate tower. They thought it was the government office, so they pulled them in.

A scholar came out. They thought he was an official, so they rushed to talk about their own reasons. The scholar smiled and said: "One of you will buy a field first, and the other will raise ducks first. When I become an official, I will try this case." "I forgot about the Dragon Boat Festival. My husband didn't receive the boxing gift and asked the students why. The student asked his father and came back and said: "My father has forgotten." The teacher said: "I will fight you with the first couplet. If you don't agree, I will fight." The first couplet he wrote was: "The Han Dynasty has three heroes: Zhang Liang, Han Xin, and Yu Chi" "Mr." The student couldn't answer the second line and was afraid of being beaten, so he cried to his father. The father said: "There is a mistake in the pairing. Duke Yuchi is from the Tang Dynasty, not the Han Dynasty." The student reported to the teacher. The gentleman smiled and said: "Your father remembers things thousands of years ago very clearly. Why did he forget yesterday during the Dragon Boat Festival?" During the Southern Song Dynasty, there was a monk in Suzhou who drank and caused chaos. The state official ordered him to be arrested. , and sent a messenger to escort him to a remote place for punishment. The transportation was inconvenient and the dissatisfaction was resented. Therefore, the sticks were constantly used and the monks complained endlessly. A few days later, while staying at an inn, the monk wanted to run away, so he said something nice to the monk and then took out some broken silver and invited him to drink. Jie Chai, who was greedy for drinking, immediately took off the monk's shackles and drank to his heart's content. After a while, he was drunk and turned into a pile of mud. At this time, the monk found a razor, shaved Jie Chai's head, put sin clothes on Jie Chai, put shackles on him, and then escaped through the window. The next day, when I woke up from a drunken meal, I didn’t see the monk, so I became anxious. But when I looked at the prison clothes on my body, the shackles on my collar, and my head in the mirror, which was also bare, my worries turned into joy. He said to himself: "Haha, even if I don't think you dare to run away!" But after thinking for a while, he was stunned again: "Hey! The monk is here, where did I go!" After the surgery, there was a soldier's arm He was hit by an arrow and the pain continued, so he asked a famous surgeon for treatment. The doctor cut off the arrow tube exposed outside his arm, then asked for money and left. The soldier said: "Who doesn't know how to cut off the arrow barrel? But the arrowhead is still in the flesh, why did you leave?" The doctor shook his head and said: "I have finished the surgery. The arrowhead in the flesh is a matter of internal medicine!" He It was a cool and hot summer day, and several officials were discussing official matters. During their chat, they talked about the hot weather and the best place to enjoy the cool weather. One person said: "It's very cool in the water pavilion in the garden." Another person said: "It's very cool in the main hall of a temple." A commoner shouted from the side: "It's the coldest in the Yamen Hall!" The officials asked in surprise. "Why?" The people laughed and said, "There is a place with no sun, why is it not cool?" Rotten Plate Once upon a time, there was a local official who, when he took office, swore to the God: "If I ask for money with my left hand, If the right hand wants money, the right hand will be rotten." Soon, someone offered him a lot of money as a bribe. He wanted to accept it, but was afraid of violating his oath. After thinking about it, I came up with a way: ask someone to bring out an empty plate, ask the briber to put the money in it, and then bring it in. The official comforted himself and said: "The fine I swore and swore at that time was money, but today the payment is silver. My master never took any action. If he wanted to die, he would only rot the plate. It has nothing to do with me." "Integrity Officials" wrote a new county official In order to show his integrity, the official posted a couplet on his door: "If you accept Muye's money, you will be punished by heaven and earth; if you listen to the words of the Yamen servant, men will steal and women will be prostitutes!" The people saw this and thought he was an upright official, and were very happy. Soon, the county official became corrupt. In order not to conflict with the couplet, all bribery must be done openly during the day; as for the money, the person concerned must deliver it in person and no government officials are allowed to handle it. After realizing the truth, his son didn’t like reading. His father locked him in the study room and ordered: “Read the book carefully with your eyes and think about the book again and again, and you will understand the truth from the book!” Three days later, the father asked Did he understand any truth from the book? The son said seriously: "You are absolutely right! I have been reading according to your teachings for three days, and I have gained a lot. I understand: the book was originally printed!" A Square Snake Someone saw a snake and said exaggeratedly to others : "It's 10 feet wide and 100 feet long." Others naturally didn't believe it. He then reduced the length of the snake by 20 feet. People still didn't believe it, so he reduced the length of the snake by 30 feet and 40 feet, and finally reduced it to 10 feet.

One student wrote: "Two fifteen-year-olds, although they have chairs and benches, they dare not sit on them." Another student wrote: "They are half the age of sixty, but they still have to stand on two legs." Two clay statues, one There are two clay statues in the temple: Laojun, the founder of Taoism, is on the left, and Sakyamuni, the founder of Buddhism, is on the right. As a rule, left has higher status than right. One day, a monk came in and saw it. He was very dissatisfied and said: "My Buddha's power is boundless, how can I be inferior to Laojun?" So he moved the Buddha statue to the left of Laojun's statue. A Taoist priest saw it and said angrily: "Our Taoist ancestors are extremely noble, how can we succumb to Buddhism and put it on the right side?" Then he moved the Laojun statue to the left side of the Buddha statue. The two kept moving each other back and forth, and even broke the two statues. Identifying the character "鱼" Someone asked how to write the character "鱼", and someone else wrote him the character "鱼" (the traditional Chinese character for "鱼"). He looked at the characters sideways and vertically, and finally shook his head: "This character has two horns on its head and four legs on its feet. Where does a fish swimming in the water get its horns and legs?" The writer said: "This It is indeed the word for 'fish'. If you say no, what is that word?" He shook his head and said seriously: "Look, it must be an animal that walks on land. It depends on you what word it is. The size: If it is written big, it must be a cow; if it is written medium, it is a deer; if it is written small, it is a sheep." There was an old lady named Wang Guangguang, who was rich and easy to talk big. She made herself a coffin and wanted to inscribe something on it, so she rewarded the Taoist priest with a lot of money and asked him to come up with a glorious name so that she could have a good reputation after her death. The Taoist priest thought about it and finally wrote this title: "The Grand Master of the Hanlin Academy, the Imperial College, offered sacrifices to the coffin of Granny Wang next door."