Recruit a Jin Dian joke

homophonic joke A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! Comrades and villagers, pay attention! Don't talk, the meeting is now! After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: pickles please sausage pickles! Now, please speak to the township head! The township head said: Rabbits, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big bastard! Comrades, today's meal is enough. Let's all be big bowls! Don't be a pickle, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. Translation: Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. You're not ashamed.

Once, two scholars went to visit Ouyang Xiu, a great writer in the Song Dynasty. On the way, they happened to be sitting in the same boat with Ouyang Xiu, but neither of them knew Ouyang Xiu.

these two scholars also know a little about poetry, but they consider themselves experts. At this time, a white goose suddenly jumped into the water, and the two of them couldn't help but burst into poetry. One chanted, "A goose on the shore," and the other replied, "Pluck into the river."

Both people are mumbling, but they can't recite the following poem, so they can't make up a poem. Seeing that they were in a hurry, Ouyang Xiu helped to sing: "White hair floats green water, and red palm stirs clear waves."

The two scholars were extremely surprised to see Ouyang Xiu say such a good poem, but on second thought, they felt something was wrong. One of them shouted at Ouyang Xiu, "You have a thick skin. Is this poem yours?" Ouyang Xiu said with a smile, "This poem is really not mine. It was written by Luo Binwang, one of the four outstanding figures in the early Tang Dynasty, when he was a child." After listening to this, the two of them laughed: "I'm telling you, with your appearance, you can also read poetry." Ouyang Xiu just laughed.

Soon, three people got off the boat. When two scholars saw a pile of ash on the shore, they wanted to show their poetic talent. One chanted, "Looking at a pile of ashes from a distance," and another added, "Looking at a pile of ashes from a distance." Due to lack of talent, the two of them can't take it anymore. I saw Ouyang Xiu unhurriedly chanting, "A gust of wind started and it snowed all over the sky." After hearing this, they were surprised, knowing that Ouyang Xiu was singing a good poem, but they were unwilling to admit defeat. One of them pretends to say, "It's not a clever sentence, so-so." The other said, "It was connected, but it was a little reluctant."

They walked on, and soon they saw a dead tree by the roadside. One scholar chanted, "A dead tree by the roadside," and another chanted, "Two big branches."

They want to chant more, but they can't think of any words, so they have to chant these two sentences over and over again, their eyes rolling up. Ouyang Xiu couldn't see the past, so he added two sentences to them: "Moss is a leaf in spring solstice, and snow is a flower in winter." After listening to them, they still refused to admit defeat, and they should continue to compete with Ouyang Xiu. They chanted, "They both boarded the boat and went to visit Ouyang Xiu." Ouyang Xiu laughed to himself after hearing this, and immediately intoned, "Xiu already knows you, but you don't know how to repair (shame)"

Here's your ear.

The newly appointed magistrate of a county is from Shandong, and he said to his master, "Buy me two bamboo poles." The master listened to the "bamboo pole" of Shandong dialect as "pig liver", and quickly agreed, and hurried to the butcher's shop and said to the shopkeeper, "The new county grandfather wants to buy two pig livers. You are a wise man, so you should know it!" The shopkeeper is a clever man. He immediately cut off two pig livers and gave away a pair of pig ears. After leaving the butcher's shop, the master thought, "My master told me to buy pig liver, and this pig ear is mine …" So he wrapped the hunting ear and stuffed it into his pocket. When I returned to the county government, I reported to the magistrate: "Report back, Grandpa, I bought the pig liver!" When the magistrate saw that the master bought pig liver, he was angry and said, "Where are your ears!" " Hearing this, the master turned pale with fear and hurriedly replied, "Ear … Ear … here … in my … pocket!" "

once upon a time, there was a landlord who loved chickens very much. The tenant rented his family's fields, but if he could not pay the rent, he had to give him a chicken first. There was a tenant named Zhang San, who went to pay the rent to the landlord at the end of the year and rented the land in the following year. When he went, he put a chicken in a bag and paid the rent. He told the landlord about the next year's tenancy of the field. He insisted that his hands were empty, and he said with his eyes open, "There are no three kinds of fields." Zhang San understood the meaning of this sentence and immediately took the chicken out of the bag. When the landlord saw the chicken, he immediately changed his mind and said, "Who will I give it to if I don't give it to Zhang San?" Zhang San said, "Your words have become so fast!" The landlord replied, "Just now, that sentence was' nonsense (chicken talk)', and now this sentence is' acting according to circumstances (chicken talk)'."

There is an opportunity

A commodity salesman went to Guangzhou on business. After arriving in Beijing, he wanted to go by plane, so he sent a telegram to the manager for fear that the manager would not agree to the reimbursement: "There is an opportunity, can I take it?" When the manager received the telegram, he thought it was the "opportunity" to close the deal, and immediately called back: "Take it when you can." When the salesman came back from a business trip to reimburse the travel expenses, the manager refused to reimburse the air ticket expenses on the grounds that he was not qualified enough and would not be reimbursed by plane. The salesman took out the manager and called him back. The manager was dumbfounded.

1. Yesterday, I dreamed that God said that he could grant me a wish. I took out a globe and said that I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change it. I took out your photo and said that I wanted this person to be beautiful. He pondered and said that I would take a look at the globe again.

2. A woman is ugly and can't get married, hoping to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back, but she insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his foot: Go, don't want the car.

3. Twenty years ago, Dad held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child and Dad cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Stop crying, big brother, and give a banana to the monkey!"! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "

4. On the plane, a parrot said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The pig followed the parrot's example and said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw the parrot and the pig off the plane. At this time, the parrot said to the pig, "be silly, I can fly."

5. An old farmer was hoeing in the field. A crow flew by and took a shit and fell on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Fuck you! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! " The crow said, "Shit! You shit and wear underpants! "

1. Unreasonable arithmetic

The arithmetic teacher said, "Here are 1 pears. After eating 6, how many are left?" A gluttonous student replied, "I think we should eat the rest together."

2. Rounding off

Zaizai came back from school in high spirits and asked his mother, "Where's Dad?" Mom saw Zaizai's excitement and asked strangely, "Dad is at home. What do you want with Dad?" "I asked my father for fifty cents." "Why?" Mom asked. "Before taking the math test, my father said to me,' If I get 1 points, I'll get 1 yuan money, and if I get 8 points, I'll get 8 cents.' Today, I got 45 points in math. "Aberdeen replied. My mother was surprised and asked, "What! Only 45 points in mathematics? " Zaizai proudly said, "Yes, it takes 4 to give up and 5 to get in math, so dad has to pay 5 cents."

3. Capitalization

A fashionable girl walked into the remittance office of the post office, filled out the money order and handed it to the shop assistant. When the shop assistant saw it, he returned the bill and said, "The figures should be capitalized." The girl tilted her head and said, "Capitalized? The grid is so small, how can I write big? "

4, not wrong

Min Min: "7+3=1, how do you write 7+3=1?" Baby: "I just didn't write the at the end!" " Min Min: "That's wrong!" The baby said, " means nothing."

5. Wu Zetian

In the history class, the teacher asked, "Who knows who Wu Zetian is?" Student: "Wu Zetian is a mathematician, and after five days, she is the great mathematician who invented rounding."

6. Waiting for the bus

"Dad, the No.4 bus is coming!" "Fool, that's not No.4, it's No.31!" "The teacher said, 3+1=4!" The little boy said confidently.

7. Here's the difference

Teacher Fang asked Axi in math class, "What's the difference between half and eight sixteenth?" Axi didn't answer. Teacher Fang said, "Think about it. If you had to choose half an orange or eight sixteenth oranges, which would you prefer?" Axi: "I must have half." "Why?" "A lot of orange juice has been drained when the orange is divided into one sixteenth, don't you think so, teacher?"

8. Checking calculation

In the exam, a student took out a dice and shook out ten multiple-choice answers.

at the end, he suddenly took it out and shook it.

The invigilator finally couldn't bear it: "What are you doing?"

the student replied, "I'm checking."

9. Rounding off

Zaizai came back from school in high spirits and asked his mother, "Where's Dad?" Mom saw Zaizai's excitement and asked strangely, "Dad is at home. What do you want with Dad?" "I asked my father for fifty cents." "Why?" Mom asked.

"Before taking the math test, my father said to me,' If I get 1 points, I will get 1 yuan money, and if I get 8 points, I will get 8 cents.'" Today, I got 45 points in math. "Aberdeen replied.

Mom asked in surprise, "What! Only 45 points in mathematics? " Zaizai proudly said, "Yes, it has to be rounded off mathematically, so dad has to pay 5 cents."

1. The teacher of Multiplication and Distribution Law found that a student's name in the exercise book was Mu (1+2+3).

The teacher asked, "Whose exercise book is this?" A student stood up and said, "It's mine!" Teacher: "What's your name?" Student: "Mulinsen!" Teacher: "Then how did you write your name like this?" Student: "I used the law of multiplication and distribution!" "