Humorous stories of celebrity language

Click on the classic quotations from Shenyang: There are so many people who send articles to mobile phone 1 and despise me. Who are you? I won't tell you if you kill me. You haven't made a beauty plan! Not only am I lucky, but my beriberi is also good! 4, the mirror will always reflect light! 5, give it to me, you don't have to worry, there is nothing wrong! 6, don't be nervous, I am not a good person ... 7, don't worry that my girlfriend will have an accident with me-as long as she lays eggs for a lifetime, we will break them immediately and never let the principal and parents know! 8. Don't thank me. Thank you and dare to charge you money! 9. I can't reach it Try stepping on your right foot with your left foot 10. Some people are alive and she is dead. Some people are alive, and he should have died! 1 1, Castle Peak is still there, just a little red. 12, I have said everything, but I shouldn't whisper. 13, what can I say about a scholar? 14, don't think that I am unattainable because I am handsome. In fact, I am a sea of rivers. 17, she is so fat that my thigh can't twist her arm. 18, the world belongs to us, to our sons, but ultimately to those grandchildren. 19, who is sitting in the villa today and doesn't even clean the blackboard! 20. I was really blind at first ... Sun Yat-sen, the great revolutionary forerunner of China (1866- 1925) moved to Shanghai for a rally after a failed revolutionary action, waiting for a chance to make a comeback. One day, several revolutionary comrades were idle and bored, and four people asked for mahjong entertainment. Unfortunately, Sun Yat-sen caught him. They knew that they had made a mistake, and they were frightened. You look at me, I look at you, I don't know what to do. Faced with such an embarrassing scene, Sun Yat-sen not only continued to ask them to play, but also said with a smile, "Go ahead, playing mahjong is very similar to our revolutionary uprising. It doesn't matter if we lose this game, but we can look forward to the next game, which will always be full of opportunities and hopes. " After the victory of the Revolution of 1911, Sun Yat-sen became the interim president. Once, dressed in casual clothes, he went to the Senate to attend an important meeting. However, the guard on duty in front of the gate saw the visitor dressed simply, so he stopped him and shouted sharply, "There is an important meeting today, only the president and members of parliament can go in." What are you going to do as a bold person? " Let's go, let's go, or the president will be angry and will definitely punish you! "Hearing this, Sun Yat-sen couldn't help laughing and asking," How do you know that the president will be angry? " As he spoke, he showed his credentials. When the guard looked at the document, he realized that the man in ordinary clothes was actually the president. The guard was frightened, threw himself on the ground and repented repeatedly. Sun Yat-sen quickly helped the guard to get up and said humorously, "Don't be afraid, I won't hit you. During the Republic of China in Zhu Kezhen, Zhu Kezhen, a scientist, was the president of Zhejiang University and was deeply loved by teachers and students. One day, in the program of the get-together, there was a "lecture by the principal". Looking at it, I feel that it is really bad to have a "lecture" at the party. Therefore, he said in his speech: "Students,' Xun' said Sichuan, but he was also talking nonsense." Everyone listened and burst into laughter. On the birthday of Gu Hongming in Zhang Xun, the great scholar Gu Hongming (1856- 1928) gave him a pair, saying, "The lotus has been covered by rain, and the chrysanthemum still has Ao Shuang skills." Later, Gu Hongming and Hu Shi also said so, saying that "Qing Yu Gai" refers to the big hat of the Qing Dynasty, and "Ao Shuang Skill" refers to the long braids left by both him and Zhang Xun. Gu Hongming not only speaks English literature, but also advocates feudal ethics. When he was a professor at Peking University, one day, he and two American ladies explained the word "concubine" and said, "The word" false "means to establish a daughter; When a man is tired, his hand depends on his daughter. " Two American ladies retorted: "Why can't that woman put her hand on the man when she is tired?" Gu Hongming calmly argued, "You have seen 1 teapot with four teacups, but how can there be 1 teacups with four teapots?" The reason is the same. " When Wang Chonghui jurist Wang Chonghui was in London, he once attended a banquet for the diplomatic community. During the dinner, an English lady asked Wang Chonghui, "I heard that men and women in your country get married by the words of the matchmaker. How wrong this is! Like us, we all got married after a long period of love and a deep understanding of each other. How happy! " Wang Chonghui smiled and replied, "It's like two pots of water. Our pot is cold water, which is gradually heated on the stove and then boiled. Therefore, the relationship between husband and wife in China was very cold at first, and then gradually improved, so there were few incidents after divorce. And you are like a pot of boiling water. After you get married, it will get cold slowly. I heard that there are many divorce cases in England. Is this the reason? Yang Xiaolou Yang Xiaolou (1877— 1937) played Guan Ping when he performed the Peking Opera "Qingshishan" for the first time in Beijing. Zhou Cang's old partner asked for leave, and temporarily changed his face. The flower-faced man drank a little wine and got on the stage in a daze, forgetting to bring the indispensable prop-beard. When Yang Xiaolou saw something bad, he thought it was bad for the audience to boo if the actor made a mistake. I had a brainwave and temporarily added a line: "Cough! Who is standing in front of you? " Playing Zhou Cang is puzzled. I don't know what happened. "I'm Zhou Cang-"At this time, the students have to do an action: cut their beards. This reason woke the actor up, but he changed his mind and said, "My son!" " Yang Xiaolou took it and said, "well, it's no use to you. Hurry down and call your dad! " "Get the law!" The actor hurried down, put on his beard and went on stage again. Li Baozhen Li Baozhen, a famous musician, received a doctorate in music education from Columbia University. He has made great contributions to domestic music education, among which "Parting Song" and "Smelling Flute" are widely circulated. Li Baozhen is very interesting to teach students at ordinary times. He once told his students that in the early years of music education, some naughty students couldn't even sing the eight major scales, and some sang "Watching Plum Blossoms Alone". Later, some students played a prank and sang "more rice and less porridge". The students are talking and laughing, the classroom atmosphere is very active and the relationship between teachers and students is harmonious. Some choir students often make the mistake of looking only at the score and not at the conductor when singing. Li Baozhen said humorously to the students, "A good choir keeps the score in its head, while a bad choir keeps its head buried in the score. I implore everyone to' reward' me more when singing, and not always' work hard', because in actual performances, we can't talk, but only' wink'. " Li's words on the pillow made everyone laugh. Since then, his eyes have never left the conductor when he sang. I am a boy. The night before yesterday, a room full of people felt that they had nothing to do and couldn't sleep, so they decided to make harassing calls. Then I dialed the number of a girl's dormitory in South Institute of Technology. On the phone, I said in a depressed tone that I had a bad back and wanted to commit suicide. The following is part of the live recording: Me: Hello, I'm sorry to bother you. I have no other meaning, just want to find someone to accompany me through the last mile of my life. Telephone there: No, you didn't commit suicide on purpose (I chuckled, but fortunately she didn't know how thick-skinned I was) I: Yes, I've been carrying it on my back recently, and the money I just took from the bank was stolen; Birthdays are easy. I got drunk and got into a fight. I took a brick and opened the man's head. It turns out that that man is a counselor in our department. I managed to raise a turtle, but I climbed into the canteen. When I looked for it, it had only one shell left ... (Khan, I can't tell it was a harassing phone call, I'm really worried about the future of my motherland). Then that girl kept persuading me, telling me jokes and telling me some embarrassing things about herself. _ It really killed me! The next morning, we connected the phone again, but my classmate spoke to her: My classmate: Hello, I'm from Gulou District Public Security Bureau. Yesterday, something happened here. Who answered the phone after 12 pm? Telephone: That's me. What happened? What a coincidence! Maybe the mobile phone is next to her. ) My classmate: Oh, someone committed suicide by jumping off a building here yesterday. According to his cell phone, his last call was to you. We want to ask, what is your relationship with him? Telephone: I don't know you? My classmate: No? I don't know. I've been calling for over half an hour? I really don't know. I have never met him. He said he wanted to kill himself. He dialed a random number and I enlightened him for a long time! (Listen to the voice, almost crying. ) My classmate: Oh, well, what did he say? Please repeat it. On the other end of the phone: ... Don't go out this afternoon. We'll go over at 2: 30 to get to know the situation with you, so you can have a good memory. Telephone: My name is XXX, and I live in ... Yesterday morning, we dialed that number again. It was my classmate. My classmate: Hello, I'm looking for XXX. Telephone: Wait a minute. I only heard shouting over there, ×××, calling people! (I feel dizzy. I'm so excited to hear it's a man. It can't be a dinosaur dormitory. ) My classmate: Hello, XXX? I'm from Gulou District Public Security Bureau. Yes, I talked to you on the phone yesterday. We can't go because of something temporary. Tell you what, come at 3 pm! At about 2: 50 pm, our bureau called Liu Duichang from the Criminal Investigation Department (I can't hear her yet, but I'm sweating ...), and we also entered the Gulou District Public Security Bureau (not to see if she will come or not, but also to see what she looks like), and we saw a beautiful girl asking everywhere: Where is Liu Duichang from the Criminal Investigation Department? At 1 1: 30 in the evening, we dialed the phone again, and it was still my classmate. My classmate: Hey, I'm looking for XXX. It's me. Why is it so late? My classmate: I came to see you from the Public Security Bureau yesterday. Here's the thing. Take it easy. Listen to me first. That woman: What's the matter? I didn't find Liu Duichang when I went this afternoon. My classmate: The situation is a bit complicated now. We just got a call from Gulou Hospital. Woman: Ah ~ ~ My classmate: Gulou Hospital said that the body of the person who jumped off the building yesterday was missing. They searched for a long time, but they couldn't find it. They only found your blood written on the wall. The woman screamed: Ah. . My classmate: don't panic ~ ~ Please close the doors and windows, I'm afraid he will come to you ... There is an old monk in the temple and a young monk lives here. The little girl and the little monk were childhood friends. The little monk and the little girl were going to get married one day, but when the old monk found out, the old monk was jealous and angry. On the wedding day, the old monk punished the young monk for cutting wood, and the young monk was angry on the mountain. When the young monk returned to the temple, it was already late at night, and he was full of joy and ready to enter the bridal chamber. He saw the old monk and the little girl on the bed. The angry young monk couldn't wait to practice an iron fist on the spot. After brushing for two days, the master opened the door. The young monk was exhausted, delirious and unable to see clearly. The host has a watermelon in his hand. The result of iron fist skill is that watermelon is broken and bullied by the elderly.