Super funny bar jokes are urgent! ! ! ! ! All right, add something.

A. A man went to visit his best friend, only to find his best friend's beautiful young wife at home. He lured her to sleep with him with lust and fear, at the price that he was willing to give her 500 yuan. She thought about it, thought it was a good deal and the money was easy, so she really slept with him. After dark, her husband came back from work and asked, "Did Fadi come here today?"

"Yes, why do you ask him?" She answered guiltily.

"Did he give you 500 yuan?"

"What? 500 yuan? " She was in a panic.

"hmm!" The husband said, "I lent him 500 yuan last month and promised to pay me back today."

B. In the bar, a sexy beauty sat down at the bar and made a provocative gesture.

The bartender came over and asked her what she wanted. She hooked her index finger and motioned for the bartender to approach her. Then she held the bartender's face in her hand and said in a sexy voice, "Are you the manager here?"

"No." The bartender replied.

The beauty put her hand into the bartender's hair and asked, "Then can you call the manager for me?"

"I'm afraid not!" The bartender said, "What can I do for you?"

The beauty put her finger on the bartender's lips, and the bartender began to suck her finger gently.

After smoking all ten fingers, the beauty continued, "Then please help me tell your manager that the toilet paper in the ladies' room is used up. "

C. There is a person who has a serious diet and always hesitates when talking to others.

One day, his wife couldn't stand his food any longer, so she sent him to see a doctor. When he arrived at the hospital, the doctor called him in. He said to the doctor, "Doctor ... Health ... Can you treat ... my ..." After careful examination, the doctor said that the reason why you eat is that your penis is too big, 40 cm. If you want to cure your diet, you must have an operation to remove15cm. In order to treat unpleasant eating, he underwent excision with fifteen centimeters removed.

Sure enough, after the operation, his food disappeared and his speech became slippery. He went home happily. His wife was happy to see that his meal was cured, but that night, after they had sex, his wife felt very dissatisfied and said to him, I think you are as good as before. Ask the doctor to bring it back to you tomorrow!

The next day, he went to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he said to him, "Doctor, please have another operation. I want to restore my penis to its original state. " As a result, the doctor said to him, "Come on ... it's worse than ...".

D. A man bought a bottle of black liquid Viagra. I was afraid that my wife would find out, so I hid in the kitchen.

The next day, when my wife was cooking, she mistakenly thought it was soy sauce, so she copied it in bean sprouts, but the harder she copied it, the harder it became.

She quickly called her husband, "honey, come quickly!" " Look ~ what's going on? Bean sprouts are not rotten, why! And lifted the lid? "

E. Now 98% of customers in Internet cafes are fucking XSB. They can't turn on the computer, switch input methods, change letters' case, log in without using private servers, open QQ voice, enter the game or quit. I really want to crush him, knead it into a ball, twist it into a twist, fry it in the oil pan, and then take it out.

QQ can't log in and say the machine is not good! Lao Tzu ran over and saw that the password was wrong. The girl asked me how much it was! ! ! !

There is also a more powerful sb chick who took a video of an unknown netizen, called me over and asked me who was in the video! ! ! MD, I still have this ability! ! ! ! ! ! !

Someone fired a smoke bomb at a CS, and he was flashed. He shouted: network management has collapsed ... fuck TM, an SB MM chatted with QQ the day before yesterday and asked me how to type. I asked her, can't you type? She said yes. I said, just type (and help her adjust the input method) and call me later. Say: stationmaster, why can't I type? I said you can't call what you want, and she told me: you call "hello" first, and I called for her. Then you know what she said. Don't go. Sit next to me and help me type. Shit, it looks like a dinosaur.

Today, an idiot asked me why there are no QQ coins here. Please help me download some QQ coins ... if only I could download that thing from TM ~! I don't have to fucking go to work ~

F. A mechanic of an electric power company accidentally touched a wire with a current of 10,000 volts, was knocked to the ground by electricity, and miraculously recovered after being rescued by a doctor. The doctor said, "congratulations on your recovery, but your condition is unusual." I guess there will be sequelae, so you must come to the hospital every week. " The mechanic comes to check every week, and his body is normal, but he seems to be hiding something. The doctor asked, "Are you hiding something from me? For your health, you should confess to me. " The mechanic said hesitantly, "No, doctor, there is nothing wrong with my body." It's just that when I have sex with my wife at night, she-"

The doctor asked, "What's the problem?"

The mechanic said doubtfully, "When she reaches the climax, * * * will shine!"

G. A woman gave birth to twins. One is called nipple and the other is called watermelon.

One day, I lost my nipple

The woman ran to the police station and said, "Mr. Police, Mr. Police, I dropped my nipple."

The policeman asked the woman, "How big are your nipples?"

The woman said, "My nipples are as big as watermelons."

H. A colleague in the company likes to watch movies, and his colleague calls him.

"CD library."

A colleague borrowed a disc from him and wanted to borrow a pornographic film, but he couldn't say it, so he explained:

"There are only two important people, and the scene has remained basically unchanged. The story is simple, that is, after reading it.

Happy ... "

The "CD library" clearly stated that the CD will be brought to colleagues the next day.

The cover-"Crosstalk Album", suddenly the whole person fainted.

1. A man kicked a piece of paper with his phone number written on it when he was bored, so he made this call.

Woman (picking up the phone): Hello! I am a passionate little spice girl. From now on, all your sensory skills will surge because of me! Let's dream together! Your warm hand unbuttoned my first button! DuDu ... There is mosaic interference below. If you want to eliminate mosaic interference, please press one, if not, please press two!

Man: Wow! Even * * * mobile phones have mosaics! ? Is it too exaggerated? Ok, now that you've played, press one!

W: OK, you pressed one. Let's move on. Your warm hand unbuttoned my first button! DuDu ... Here are the pronunciations of various languages. If you want Chinese, please press 1, if you want English, please press 2, double tone, please press 9!

Man: Wow! So professional? And many languages? Lao tze spell, press one!

W: OK, you pressed one. Let's move on. Your warm hand unbuttoned my first button! At this time, I was very ... DuDu ... Now the police are conducting a surprise inspection and we are forced to disconnect. Please redial later. thank you

Male:

J. 1。 Subject: When .........

Child: He took off his clothes and put on his trousers.

Teacher's comment: Is he going to take it off? Still have to wear it?

2. Title: Among them

Children: I hurt my left foot.

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede?

3. Title: One by one

Child: After work, Dad goes home one after another.

Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have?

4. Theme: Sadness

Child: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is really sad.

Teacher's comment: The teacher is even sadder.

5. Title: Once again

Child: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Teacher's comment: Is your mother a deformed diamond?

6. Title: Look.

Children: What are you looking at? Never seen it?

Teacher's comment: Don't procrastinate too much.

7. title: prosperity

Children write: bustling confession.

Teacher's comment: Don't watch too many series!

8. Title: Delicious

Children write: delicious fart.

Teacher: .........

9. Title: Innocence

The child wrote: It's really hot today.

Teacher's comment: You are so naive.

10. Title: Sure enough

The children said: I ate fruit yesterday. Then I drank cold water.

Teacher's comment: a sentence that cannot be separated.

1 1. theme: first ... then ... example: eat first, then take a bath.

Children: Goodbye, sir!

Teacher's comments: .................

12. Title: In addition,

Child: A train passes by, besides, besides.

Teacher's comment: forget it if I die.