I want some super hilarious jokes (no bad words!)

The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a landmine during combat? The company commander was very angry: *, what can we do? If you step on it, you will be compensated according to the price.

2. It has been a long time since I received your message, and I am very distressed

When I thought about death, I cut my veins with potato chips, hit my head with tofu, and jumped over the building with a parachute

< p>If you hang yourself with noodles, you will be dead

Just treat me to a meal to make me die

3. If you feel that your heart is cold and cold, please call My phone number! If you want to talk about love, please press 1, if you want to talk about work, please press 2, if you want to talk about life, please press 3, if you want to introduce someone to me, please press 5, if you want to ask me to eat, please say so, if you want to borrow money from me, please hang up.

4. The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later the giraffe filed for divorce: I don’t want to live this kind of life anymore! The monkey was furious: Just leave! Who has ever seen someone climb a tree to get a kiss?

5. Fish said: "I open my eyes all the time so that I can't leave you." Water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and hold you tightly." ." Guo said, "It's almost too late to talk nonsense."

6. Have you eaten? Please receive text message. The elephant defecated in the middle of the road. An ant happened to be passing by. It looked up at the mist-shrouded peak and couldn't help but sing: Ya La Suo, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7. You have grown up, and there are some things you should know: the sky is for wind and rain; the earth is for growing flowers and grass; I , is used to prove how great human beings are; you are used to stew vermicelli.

8. When you check in at the railway station but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the train will remind you: wipe your pants, wipe your pants, wipe your pants! When you are playing tuba by the river but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the frog will tell you: stick scrape, stick scrape, stick scrape!

9. Money can buy a house but not a home; it can buy marriage but not love; it can buy a clock but not time; money is not everything, but the source of pain. Give me the money and let me bear the pain alone!

10. God, it’s too blue! The sea is too salty! Life is so difficult! Work is so boring! I am destined to be with you! Miss you, sleepless! It’s too far to see you! Alas, what can I do? I miss you so much that I can’t eat with my chopsticks or swallow my bowl!

11. I give you the 12 zodiac signs. I wish you are as smart as a mouse, as strong as an ox, as bold as a tiger, as cute as a rabbit, as confident as a dragon, as charming as a snake, as romantic as a horse, as docile as a sheep, and as naughty as a sheep. Monkeys are as beautiful as chickens, loyal as dogs, and look like pigs!

12. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the poop of the gibbon. The gibbon gently and carefully cleaned it and they fell in love. Others asked how they got together? The chimpanzee said with emotion: Ape dung! It’s all ape dung!

13. The lion and the bear defecated next to a tree respectively. A month later, the lion found that the tree next to his defecation was thicker than the bear's, so he said a philosophy full of vicissitudes - lion poop. Better than bear poop!

14. Think of a number in your mind, add 52.8 to it, multiply it by 5, then subtract 3.9343, divide it by 0.5, and finally subtract ten times the number in your mind. The answer is very So romantic!

15. You keep farting loudly in the office, and your colleagues can’t help but ask you if you can keep quiet.

Then I saw you sitting there shaking and shaking, and asked you what you were doing. You replied that I had set it to vibrate!

16. Dear God, please bless those friends who do not call me, do not send me text messages, and do not miss me: May the Lord drop their mobile phones in the toilet. Amen!

17. Legend has it that you were so ruthless that you lay down across four seats in the theater. When someone asked you to get up, you just grunted and stayed still. The security guard came and said: My friend is ruthless enough. , which road? You gritted your teeth and said, "I fell down from the aisle upstairs!"

18. I miss you, think of you, find a painter to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water and look at you all day long - are you happy? Pour a cup of boiling water and burn you to death!

19. Dear user, at this time we have deducted 20 yuan from your phone bill and dedicated it to the cause of Palestinian national liberation. For this reason, the Palestinian Autonomous Government has decided to award you a lofty title in the name of the entire Arab world: Ben Shalebacki!

20. The beauty of knowledge lies in making people confused; the beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; the beauty of women lies in being so stupid that they have no regrets; the beauty of men lies in lying so that they can see ghosts in daylight.

21. I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I care about you, little boy. , I’ll make you dizzy!

22. Have you heard of it? Five hundred times of looking back in the past life are only exchanged for one brush with each other in this life. For close friends like you and me, it seems that we didn’t do anything in our previous lives except to look back!

23. Two counterfeiters accidentally made fake banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan. They decided to take them to a remote mountainous area to spend them. When they took a 15 yuan bill and bought 1 yuan of candied haws. , they cried, and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar bills

24. A portrait of your life: learn to take a bath by yourself at the age of ten - Zhu Ziqing; be radiant at the age of twenty - Zhu Shimao; three Find a job at the age of ten - a pig starts a career; hire a servant at the age of forty - a pig has a servant; learn to play basketball at the age of fifty - a pig shoots!

25. A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said: "I love you." The little girl said: "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said: "Of course, we are no longer one or two years old!"

26. I was chatting with my friends just now, and they talked about you, do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was too much! I don’t treat you like a pig at all!

hilarious slips of the tongue

/

Happy Man Joke Website:

.jokes.yahoo.com/

Xinchao.com jokes:

/joke/jindex.asp

Selected hilarious jokes:

/question/12467023.html

Classical Chinese Jokes:

/question/12497266.html

5 jokes about psychosis and 10 jokes about God:

/question/12357076.html < /p>

Humorous and funny text messages:

/question/13388193.html

Daqi funny short film:

/shipin.html

If it’s not enough or you think it’s not good enough, go to each of the websites above and choose.