Joke criminal

The judge said to the defendant, "Besides stealing money, I know you also steal watches, rings and pearls."

"Yes," the defendant replied, "I have known since I was a child that money alone can't bring happiness."

(2) The thief's second answer

"You admitted breaking into the clothing store four times?" Asked the judge.

"yes." The suspect replied.

"What did you steal?"

"A skirt." The suspect replied.

"Just one dress?" The judge asked inexplicably, "Then why did you break into that shopping mall four times!"

"Alas," the suspect sighed, "which colors did my wife dislike the first three times?"

(3) the lawyer problem

The following is a question asked by an American lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

"How far apart were the two cars when they collided?"

"Doctor, a person died in his sleep and didn't know until the next morning, right?"

"Ask you again, how old is the youngest son, that is, a young man in his twenties?"

"Were you there when the photo was taken?"

"Are you alone or alone?"

"Did you or your brother die in the war?"

You were there before you left, weren't you?

"The stairs leading to the basement also lead to the ground, don't they?"

"Did he kill you?"

(4) Doctors and lawyers

A doctor attended a party, at which he was constantly troubled by questions about medical care.

An hour later, he felt bored. So he asked a lawyer present: "If someone asks you a legal question outside the office, you

What can I do so that they won't bother you? "

"I will answer their questions," replied the lawyer, "and then send them the bill."

The doctor was surprised, but finally agreed to have a try. The next day, when the doctor was ready to send the bill with guilt, he put it in the mailbox.

Cash the bill owed to him by the lawyer.

1, right-handed

commit a crime

This is theft. The defense lawyer said, "The defendant just put his right hand into the window and stole a few things. His right hand is not equal to him. How can he punish the whole person for committing a crime with one right hand? "

The judge finally ruled: "The defense's opinion is reasonable and adopted. Sentenced the defendant's right hand to one year's imprisonment. Whether the defendant goes to prison with his right hand is up to him. "

The lawyer quickly helped the defendant take off the wooden prosthetic hand on his right arm, handed it to the judge, and then pulled the defendant away with only one hand.

Step 2: succeed

Preface problem

title

The prosecutor asked the witness, "You just said that you visited the defendant on the day of the crime. What did he say?"

"Objection!" The defense lawyer said, "This question is out of order!" Then, the prosecutor and the lawyer argued for a whole hour about whether the question was appropriate. Finally, the judge ruled that the objection was invalid and the witness had to answer the question.

The witness replied, "Nothing, he was not at home."

Step 3 dream

travel

disease

Both Mr. A and Mrs. A are admirers of barristers and often go to court to listen in on the barristers' wonderful debates. One day, Mrs. A met a barrister on the road and praised her and said, "Your three-hour debate yesterday was really wonderful!" "

The barrister said unhappily, "But when I got to the point, your husband walked out."

Mrs. A said apologetically, "Sorry, he has sleepwalking."

Step 4: Eat

face

deprive

A court tried a criminal case, and the defendant's criminal facts in the indictment filed by the defender were unclear and the evidence was insufficient, so it requested the court to declare the defendant innocent. The prosecutor believes that the defendant's criminal facts are clear and the evidence is indeed sufficient, and the two sides are debating this.

The defender emphasized that his claim was valid and claimed that his conclusion had been fully investigated. The prosecutor said that we believe that the defendant's guilt is well documented, and stressed: "We prosecutors don't eat for nothing."

The defender immediately protested: "presiding judge, I think this case is based on facts and the law is the criterion. As for whether the prosecutor eats dry rice or porridge, it has nothing to do with this case. "

Seeing the tension between the two sides, the judge said to ease the atmosphere: "Now let's not discuss the question of eating dry rice or porridge. I invite everyone to eat noodles at noon. "

Step 5 end

Yu Ming

white

After the lawyer tried his best to defend, the defendant was finally acquitted.

At the gate of the court, the lawyer asked the defendant, "You have been released, and we are going to break up. Now please tell me the truth at last. Have you really committed a crime? "

The defendant replied, "Mr. Lawyer, when I heard your wonderful defense in court, I realized that I was innocent."

6. Hugh

Want to pay?

fund

A lawyer's wife is very ill. Before the diagnosis and treatment, the doctor, who loves money like hell, said to the lawyer, "Can you promise me that after I see your wife's illness, I will get a visit fee?"

The lawyer immediately took out a check from him and said, "This is 500 yuan. Whether you save her life or cure her illness, I will pay you in full. "

The doctor examined the patient with confidence. However, despite his best efforts, the patient died. Later, the doctor asked the lawyer to pay for his consultation.

.

The lawyer asked him, "Have you cured my wife?"

"Of course not, my diagnosis and medication are correct." The doctor said quickly.

"So, did you save her life?"

"I'm sorry, but I've tried my best."

"So you didn't cure her or save her, did you?"

"Yes, sir." The doctor replied.

"It seems that I don't have to pay for your consultation."

1. Donation

A man climbed out of the roof from the window of 3 1 building. It seems that he wants to jump off a building and commit suicide. The building is full of people watching him.

A policeman and a doctor rushed to the window. He quickly shouted, "Don't come here, or I'll jump at once."

The policeman shook his head and said, "Friend, the doctor asked me to ask you, are you willing to donate your kidney after you die?"

I can't help it

The police caught a thief in the market crowd and brought him before the judge. It turned out that the thief had just been released and committed another crime soon. The judge said, "Don't you remember I told you that I never want to see you again?" Remember. "But I can't help it," said the thief. "

I have told them many times, but they just won't listen. "

hole

A criminal's wife asked the jailer to give her husband a slightly easier job.

"He complained that he had been feeling very tired recently." She explained.

"But he didn't do anything during the day." Replied the jailer.

"I don't know, but he told me that he had been digging holes in the wall for several nights."

4. Pay for your own room and board

The crime rate in a certain place has dropped sharply.

After exploring the reasons from all sides, I finally figured out the details.

It turns out that detention centers and prisons have posted such notices.

Starting today, anyone who enters this office because of crime or suspicion will have to stay at his own expense.

I used to watch the gate.

In a prison in new york, several prisoners have recently arrived. One day, the warden called them together and said to them, "This is a model prison. We are very democratic. Every prisoner can continue to do their original work when he comes here. " The prisoners were glad to hear the news. One of the prisoners immediately began to dance. The warden quickly asked him, "What did you do before?" The prisoner replied loudly, "Mr. Warden, I used to watch the gate!" " "

6. Don't be afraid

One day, the police found a little girl wandering alone in the street. She doesn't know her name or where she lives.

The police began to rummage through her pockets helplessly, hoping to find some clues.

The little girl didn't resist, but said softly, "Don't be afraid, I don't have a gun."

7. World Police Competition Congress

The World Police Competition was held in South Korea. One of the projects is to put a mouse in a deep mountain, so that the team can get it back in the shortest time.

China police came out first, and it took them two days to catch the mouse. The China team used a sea of people tactics and thousands of policemen.

The second appearance is the Soviet police. It took them a day to catch the mouse. The secret is that the KGB interrogated the relatives of the mouse in advance.

The American police team came out for the third time. It took them only two hours to catch the mouse. The American team used the most advanced calorimeter.

Finally, the host Korean police team appeared. Surprisingly, South Korea only sent one player. What is even more surprising is that this player came back in less than half an hour. But instead of a mouse, he brought back a black-faced bear.

In the end, the Korean judges unanimously decided that South Korea won the first place. The referee's decision immediately caused protests from leaders of other countries. The referee took a look and secretly kicked the bear. The bear ran to the leaders of other countries in fear and said, "I am a mouse." Don't look like this bear, I swear I am the mouse! "

8. Confessions of robbers

A policeman asked a robber, Why did you rob him?

Robbery and strength

Rape a good woman?

The robber argued: I didn't! !

The policeman shouted, How dare you argue? What's with this gun?

The robber said eagerly, I just want to sell this gun. It's just that as soon as the gun was taken out, the young lady threw the money on me and began to take off her clothes.

The police said: @ # $% ...

9. grandma's

Policeman A: "Just now, a man parked illegally.

When I want to write a ticket, I ask if the car is his. He said no, it was his grandmother's. 」

Policeman B: "Really? 」

Policeman A: "Yes, when I asked him,

He whispered (damn it).

」

10. useless things

The police officer asked a man:

"What's in your bag? 」

"My travel bag contains the government."

"What did you say? 」

"government"

Please open it and let me have a look.

The man opened his travel bag.

Police officer: "It's all useless things."

The man murmured, "That's what I mean. 」