Best classic humorous joke

Sometimes I feel unhappy without knowing the reason. At this time you need a humorous joke, a humorous smile, and all your troubles are gone. The following are the most classic humorous jokes I have compiled for you. I hope you like them.

1, Matchmaker: Er Leng, what's your impression of the woman at this meeting?

Erlang: I'm so scared!

Matchmaker: What's wrong?

Erleng: As soon as we met, the girl smiled at me and the brush fell off her face. I bought her a drink. Wow, lipstick has dyed the cup red. She cried when I said we were not suitable. When she cried, her eyes turned black and all her false eyelashes were washed down. That sounds horrific.

My wife's best friend gave birth to a baby, and then she went to visit. When she arrives and sees her best friend nursing the baby, eat the left side first, then the right side. Suddenly, she heard the child cry with a wow. It's not good to coax her, then I thought about it, called my husband in and whispered, "What the fuck did you eat before breastfeeding last night?"

Her husband said: It's like eating chicken feet with pickled peppers.

Then her best friend asked my wife to wait in the living room, and she heard a miserable cry from the bedroom! ! !

3. Mom: Son, did you talk about someone?

Son: Not yet.

Mom: Oh, son, if you do, you must tell mom? You must not be stingy with your mother's financial allocation, right?

The son is very excited: Mom?

Mom: Hey, looks alone are definitely not enough. Can only rely on money?

Son?

Husband: Wife, it's hard to watch you do housework. When I get rich, I'll find you a nanny and let you do nothing?

Wife: Really? Do nothing?

Husband: Of course?

My wife came up and snapped: Nima, let her do the work of going to bed, too? You need a nanny to have a baby.

My husband is going out. Wife: Why?

Husband: Brother Xiao Li invites you to dinner?

Wife: Oh, drink less?

Husband: Honey, don't worry. You won't drink too much, will you?

Wife: Nima, you always say that. Which time is short?

Husband: Absolutely not. Just the pocket money that Xiao Li's wife gave him was less than mine. How much wine can I buy?

6. The couple went shopping and saw a beautiful woman. Wife: Husband, how beautiful does that woman look?

The husband looked at the beauty, then at his wife, and said simply, what's good? Are you like you?

The wife was very happy and said, Nima, look at the devil's figure. How can I compare with others?

Husband: Wife, although we don't have the devil's figure like her, we have a devil's face.

My wife is angry, like that: Nima, do you know that I am ugly?

7. When the wife entered the room, she shouted: Hungry, hungry? Why didn't I cook when I was watching in the kitchen?

Husband: Wife, I've heard of it. What do you mean, do it yourself and have plenty of food and clothing?

Wife: Oh? Come on up, it's scratching. Can you cook?

Husband covers his face: wife, I do it, I do it?

Soon, the food was ready. Wife: Honey, now I finally know what it means to do it yourself and have plenty of food and clothing.

Husband:?

8. A thief sneaked into a room and heard the couple making love in bed. ....

The thief held his breath and listened to the wonderful groan with relish. ....

After a while, the thief not only enjoyed his ears ... he really wanted to watch the live broadcast in bed. .....

The thief had a plan, touched the switch of the room and slammed it, then shouted: Who is humming in my house?

A dramatic scene appeared. A man rolled on the bed, grabbed the clothes on the bed and jumped out of the window. . .

After a scream, the woman lay naked on the window crying and said, honey, what are you dancing? This is your home. ...

Although the thief was lucky enough to witness the naked girl, he saw someone jump off the building. . . And ran away. . .

9. A: Very annoying. My wife doesn't do any housework!

What is this? I not only do all the housework, but also brush my teeth, wash my face, wash my feet, wash my hair and wash my whole body. He even wants me to help her dress. ..

You spoil her too much. ...

B: I can't help it She is inflatable. ....

10, Dad was fined for doing something wrong. . . .

The son who was doing his homework heard his father shout, Wife, it's time to take a bath. Can I get hot water?

Mom said: no, kneel down. . .

After a while, I heard my father shout: Wife, the clothes in the washing machine are ready. May I hang my clothes?

Mom said, stop yelling and get down on your knees. . .

The son said enviously to his mother, Mom, should I kneel and rub the washboard?

Mom is curious: Why?

Son: Dad kneels and rubs the washboard. You don't need him to do anything. . . If I kneel down, I won't have to do my homework. . .

1 1. What's bothering you? You are listless all day.

B: it's all because I got married. ....

Answer: Don't marry a wife, do everything possible to marry a wife. If you marry a wife, call it a disaster. It's not that serious, is it

B: well, people are unpredictable. Before I got married, I saw my father often kneeling and rubbing the washboard. I also told my girlfriend this embarrassing story and asked her if she would let me kneel down in the future. Girlfriend vowed: it's too late to hurt you, how can I make you kneel down and rub the washboard ... I didn't expect to get married a month ago. .....

A: Kneel and rub the washboard?

B: Yes, what annoys me most is that my mother and my daughter-in-law have recently started a competition to kneel and rub the washboard. . .

12, the neighbor introduced an object to Lao Tang's son and repeatedly praised the girl for being sensible.

Both Lao Tang and his son are very satisfied. Who knows, after they got married, they found that she loved playing mahjong, losing more and winning less.

One day, the neighbor met Lao Tang and asked, how is your daughter-in-law?

Lao Tang gave a wry smile: You're right! ? Profound knowledge? You know you lose when you play mahjong, and you never take care of housework! ?

13, Xifeng is not young, and her personal problems have not been solved. She couldn't help looking at the two turtles in the fish tank all day.

The little turtle asked inexplicably, boss, why does this man stare at us all day?

The tortoise stretched its neck and said, people say? Sink fish and fall wild goose? But she is different from others and should belong to what people often say? The tortoise sees ugliness? A ghost sees sorrow, right?

14, Dalin has been studying stocks these days and said that he wants to manage money. I just bought the stock today and came home excited. I saw my wife washing clothes as soon as I entered the door, so I asked. Wash what?

My wife didn't lift her head: quilt cover! ?

Dalin suddenly choked up and collapsed on the sofa in frustration, which puzzled his wife. You were in high spirits just now. Why are you in low spirits now?

Dalin said flatly:? You mean the stock you just bought? A quilt? You didn't mean to make me angry?

15, a: the top two, if you have revenge, you must report it.

Who has a grudge against me?

A mouse.

Why rats?

A takes B to the bathroom and points to a dying mouse lying on the toilet: Look, when I hit it with your mobile phone, your mobile phone jumped into the toilet.

16, A: Alas, this society is really unfair.

Yes, what's wrong with you?

A: I work in obscurity every day I do a lot of things quietly. I don't want anyone to know. I often stay up late and work night shifts, and everyone complains.

B: It's so unfair! If I were you, I would quit!

Well, I can't give up this job. I can't help wanting to work overtime at night.

Are you too tall? What do you do?

A: Porter.

B: The porters don't have to work overtime at night.

A: Well, everyone else is very modest. Although there are many things at home, I don't want to bother others and put them in other people's homes. I can only carry them to my house at night.

17, when A Dai walked into the operating room for surgery, he heard the doctor talking. Is this at least100000?

? Well, this is at least150,000. ?

? Here, here, and here, there is no 800,000 that cannot be obtained. ?

? Doctor, does the operation cost so much? A Dai asked.

? No, there is no rule of law for your illness. We are calculating how much your useful organs can sell. ?

A Dai suddenly fainted.

? Well, the problem of no anesthetic has finally been solved, so hurry up with the operation! ?

18, mother and daughter wandered around the supermarket and found a young man posting a small advertisement on their car door.

Mom, is it? Teacher Zhao? Advertising, just angry: What do you think you are doing at a young age? Why did you do such an immoral thing?

My daughter glanced at the small advertisement, blushed and muttered: If a woman does such a thing, will her children be affected in the future?

? It will definitely be affected! . ? Mother answered angrily:? Otherwise, no one will post small advertisements! ? Fang zhongke

19, my wife is going to have breast augmentation, and I will discuss it with my husband.

Husband refused:? No ?

The wife asked:? Why?

Husband:? Adding silica gel doesn't feel good. ?

The wife asked seriously:? How do you know it doesn't feel good?

Husband?

20. Colleagues get up the courage to tell their girlfriends.

I asked with concern: Did she agree?

Colleagues said happily:? She answered my message today. ?

I'm happy for him, saying? What did she say?

Colleagues whispered mysteriously, she answered four words, in and out. You can let me in and out, doesn't that mean you promised to marry me?

As soon as I heard it, I was anxious and said, what? You are wrong! ?

Colleagues don't believe me and ask: I thought I said yes. What does that mean?

I said:? There is no way to get in or out! ?

2 1, the sad things in life

1. Finally passed the civil service exam, climbed a michel platini, and met a vigorous anti-corruption. I can only adjust my mood and re-plan my future.

It's very enjoyable to watch the basketball league recently. On the court, amazing foreign aid, exciting cheerleaders and team battles that pop up from time to time are really eye-catching.

When you meet family planning when you are young, you can't have children casually. Now, the family planning policy will be relaxed. What can we do after that passionate year? Alas? !

22. My daughter came back from a blind date.

Dad asked her: Do you have a crush on him?

Daughter:? Yes, but he doesn't like me because I'm short. ?

Dad:? Son of a bitch, what is he? How could he look down on you? Didn't you say I was a director?

Daughter:? It's no use talking. He said that officials are afraid of corruption now, which is useless! ?

Parents should be happy that their son is getting married. However, Mr. Liu has a headache for this matter.

Mr. Liu asked his son to discuss this matter: Son, are you sure you want to get married?

Son:? Yeah, why?

Mr Liu:? Can she do housework, wash clothes and cook?

Son:? Can cook, can't wash clothes. ?

Mr Liu:? Do you want to wash her clothes?

Son:? Yeah, why not? I know. ?

Mr Liu:? I don't want it if you like it. Buy a house after marriage. ?

Son:? Why?

Mr Liu:? If we live together, can we squeeze our father and son into the bathroom to wash clothes at night? ! ?

24. Two beggars came from the roadside downstairs in my house and were stationed here. One of them wanted to meet someone with a broken bowl, and the other one was lying on the ground playing the erhu with a broken bowl.

When I pass by work, I always ask a beggar with a bowl for money. I think I should say to him: Look, the erhu player is not out of tune, but what else can he do! ?

My inspiration is very useful. The next day, the beggar with a bowl pushed the speaker with a microphone and shouted out of tune next to the erhu.

Damn it, there's noise downstairs again because of my big mouth. Zhao xiucai

25. Walking down the street with friends today, I saw a man kneeling down to confess to a woman.

Then I said to my friend: What a romantic scene!

The friend replied: romantic fart, before marriage, men should kneel to women on one knee, and after marriage, men should kneel to women on both knees.

After listening, I asked my friend: Is there a difference between kneeling on one knee and kneeling on both knees?

The friend said: Of course there is a difference. A man kneeling on one knee is courtship, and kneeling on both knees is begging for mercy!

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