Who can tell a cold joke ~ ~ ~

1. Five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang. Call the hundred-dollar bill:

"Hello! Your son is here, if you don't want us to kill the ticket, you will exchange yourself for him! "

The hundred-dollar bill thought for a moment and said,

"Tear it, you won't even have five dollars!"

2. A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

magic lamp: "I can only realize one wish of yours. Come on, I'm in a hurry."

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately turned into a beautiful woman, and then disdained to say, "I'm starving and still covet beauty! Pathetic! " Then he disappeared.

people: "... cakes."

3. The earthworm family was bored that day, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton.

Mother earthworm thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother Earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid? You will die if you cut it so badly! "

father earthworm said weakly, "... I suddenly want to play football."

4. Panda male wants QJ panda female, and panda female struggles to resist and swears to the death.

Panda Man said angrily after his failure, "We are all going extinct!"

5. A race between the tortoise and the hare ... The hare quickly ran to the front ...

The tortoise saw a snail crawling very slowly ... and said to him, Come up, I'll carry you ...

Then ... The snail came up ...

After a while ...

When the ant came up ... he saw the snail on it ... and said to him: Hello

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: Hurry up, the tortoise is so fast ...

6. A man and a woman are having dinner.

The girl keeps asking the boy: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked again: Do you love me?

The boy finally said: Love

The girl asked: Then how do you prove it?

Suddenly the boy took out thirty yuan from his pocket,

And asked the girl: Do you have ten yuan?

The girl gave ten yuan to the boy ...

The boy put forty yuan on the table

After a while ...

The girl asked the boy angrily: Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is in front of you! (This cow! )

7. I visited the snack street one day and found a shop selling egg towers.

Each kind looks very delicious. I want to buy one and try it.

I asked the clerk: Is this for sale alone?

shop assistant: no, it's Japanese.

8. One day, a family caught fire.

Both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside.

Mother shouted nervously outside the house:

"Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..."

The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mother added, "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..."

After five points. Come out quickly ~ it's on fire, and I'm still in it ... "

The son said," I'm taking off my socks ... "

9. A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ for a long time, but no fish took the bait, and he changed a piece of bread ~ for a long time, but no fish took the bait ~

No choice but to change the earthworm ~ Buy it yourself! ! ! ！”

1. A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is an American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique, and you are in charge of coolies.

Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.

And to the Japanese, he said, You are very thin. You are in charge of supplies.

then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"Surprise!

11. "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

12. One day the animals smelled a terrible smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, I am too young to fart so smelly. It must be a cow.

The cow said: I am a grass eater and I won't fart so smelly.

The pig said: People who fart will blush.

Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away and said, How many times have I said, I was born blushing.

13、 A man met God one day ...

God was suddenly kind enough to give that man a wish ...

God asked ...

Do you have any wishes?

The man thought about it ...

I heard that cats have nine lives ...

Please give me nine. One day, the man was idle and bored ......

He wanted to say die ...

There were nine lives anyway.

He was lying on the railroad track ...

As a result, a train passed by ...

The man was still dead ...

Why?

because there were 1 carriages on that train ...

14. One day, three people were sent by the funeral home. Strangely enough, their smiles after death were _ ...

The manager of the funeral home was puzzled and asked pol.ice: Why should their faces be _?

pol.ice said: It's ... It's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... He was in spring night with his wife ... at the most passionate moment ... and he couldn't stand hanging up.

The administrator replied: Alas ... I would like to die under the flowers.

pol.ice: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... and suddenly he heard that he had won the first prize ... with a prize of more than 7 million yuan ...

When he laughed happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... as a result ...

pol.ice: ....................................................................................................................................................................

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that things changed ...

You have heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man kept a pair of Beijing dogs. Once, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to sacrifice to heaven and took the pair ...

In the middle of the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious, so she ran to a tree to solve it.

It was a very disrespectful act during the sacrifice to heaven, which annoyed the jade emperor.

The jade emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, which just hit the tree, and the tree fell down and crushed it. Everyone sticks out a foot and pushes against the tree,

lest the tree fall down and crush himself ...:

I hate two kinds of people most, one is racist, the other is black, and the third is illiterate!

The devils entered the village, arrested Liu Hulan and asked her:

Speak! Who is * * * party member!

Liu Hulan said righteously:

My uncle was born in party member! My uncle (just) was born in party member!

In this way, a hero was born ~

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: Please let me go, don't bake me to eat.

the man said: ok, then let me torture you a few questions.

Squid is very happy and says, cuff it!

Then this man roasted the squid ..

111. A man went fishing by the river .............................................................................................................................................. Buy it yourself! ! ! ！”

112. One day, Mr. Wang drove home.

Suddenly, there was a big Ben flying by. When he passed by, the driver shouted at him:

"Dude, have you ever driven a big Ben?" Say that finish, "whoosh" soared away.

Mr. Wang was furious and stepped on the gas to catch up.

Seeing that he was about to catch up, the driver stuck out his head and shouted at him:

"Dude, have you ever driven a big bus?" Then, the whoosh disappeared again.

"Shit, what a cow!" Mr. Wang felt a little better after scolding, so he stopped chasing.

After driving for a while,

Mr. Wang saw that the bus had just overturned on the side of the road. He was curious and drove slowly closer.

I saw that the driver was pinned under the car and said weakly,

"Dude, have you ever driven a big bus? Do you know where its brakes are? "

113. I used to suffer from schizophrenia, but now we have recovered ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

114. An international student took a driver's license test in the United States, and the sign ahead told him to turn left. He was not sure and asked the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "right"

So ... hung up ...

115. One day, Mung Bean committed suicide and jumped down from the fifth floor, bleeding a lot and became a red bean; Has been pus, and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally became a black bean.

116. Xiao Ming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ and he flew ....................................................................................................................................................................... "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's the matter?" "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

119. A pair of corn fell in love ...

So they decided to get married ...

On the wedding day ...

One corn couldn't find another corn ...

The corn asked the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

popcorn: honey, people are wearing wedding dresses ...

12. In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

121. Two people have fallen into a trap. The dead are called dead, and the living are called what?

A: call for help!

122. Someone looks like a sweet potato and falls down while walking ...

123. Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

answer: cloth is afraid of 1 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

reason: not (cloth) afraid of 1,, only (paper) afraid of one thousand.

124. One day, a mother-in-law took a bus ...

Sitting halfway, the mother-in-law didn't know the way ...

The mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, Where is this?

Driver: This is my ass ...

125. An egg went to the teahouse to drink tea, and it turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it turned into a preserved egg. One egg ran to Shandong and turned into a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg is homeless, and as a result it becomes a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, resulting in a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and turned into an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and turned into a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and turned into a bad egg; An egg got married and turned into an asshole; An egg swam in the river and turned into a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and turned into a Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse and holding a knife. It turns out that he is peking opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and the result becomes a dinosaur egg; One egg is male, and his wife is adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes a bastard; An egg ...

126. The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle answered first: Yes! Moderator: Give an example! Eagle tearfully: That year, I fell asleep, and the cat climbed the tree ... and then there was an owl ... < P > 127. Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery, and A said, I will buy all the toilets in Fiona Fang for 5 miles if I win the grand prize, and eat enough every day! B said: You are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

128. Why the chicken cross the street

Answer to get another side

129. Teacher: "You finally came! Why didn't you come to class yesterday? "

Student: "Because .. Because, my mother fell down the stairs .."

Teacher: "Oh! I see. Mom was hurt, so you didn't come. "

Student: "No … my dad was injured .."

Teacher: "Why did your mom fall down the stairs and your dad got hurt?"

Student: "Because .. my father has a woman outside .."

Teacher: "What? .. what does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs? "

student: "because they were fighting ... my mother fell and my father was injured by my mother."

teacher: "oh .. so you didn't come to class because you took dad to the hospital?"

student: "No .. the woman outside sent my dad."

teacher: "then why didn't you come to class?"

Student: "Because I overslept .."

Teacher: "What does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs! ？”

student: "No, I'm not.