Who gives me some cold jokes?

It is said that the origin of the cold joke is such a story: one day the little penguin asked his grandmother, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

A little nonsense, a little boring, to put it mildly, a little postmodernism. Modern people are tired of telling original jokes and come up with these cold things.

Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why?

Because: it's really like Dabai.

2. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice, and when he was really bored, he began to pluck his own hair. A ..........................................

There is a man who looks like an onion, crying while walking.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road.

The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes.

As a result, the banana in the back fell down.

There is a hide-and-seek club, and the person in charge hasn't been found yet.

6. Draw a V on two fingers. What is this? Yeah ~ ~ Hands shaking down, what is it? It's fallen leaves! Ha ha ha, laughing me to death.

7. Stretch four fingers,

What is this?

Four,

Bend four fingers,

What is this?

Wonderful ~!

8. When the millionaire was driving a luxury extended "Lincoln" car through a village, he saw two beggars pulling grass at the roadside to eat. The millionaire immediately stopped the car.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really have no money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered.

"Call 1 and the rich man points to another beggar." And you, call your family, too. "

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said.

"It doesn't matter, all call, go to 1.

In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home."

The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

Once upon a time, there was a loaf of bread walking in the street. He felt hungry, so he ate himself.

Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball for a long time. He said, "I'm so tired that I feel soft."

10 Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf.

The wolf said, "I will eat you!" " ! ! "

Guess what?

As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

1 1, there is a generation gap and no cleavage-this kind of communication is very difficult.

12, who will definitely be eliminated from the game, wolf, tiger or lion? Wolf, because: Momotaro (eliminated wolf)

13. When will Chen Shui-bian be reunified? When buying instant noodles.

14. Why does the silkworm baby have money? Because ... silkworms can cocoon (frugal)

15, which is the most embarrassing historical figure? Su Wu, because: Su Wu herded sheep in Beihai (kicked by the sea).

16, Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. . Cry, cry. . He flew. .

17. One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid the wolf. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up. Whatever. At this moment, the wolf grinned and drooled and said:

Then tell me where little red riding hood is.

18. Stones fight with rice cakes, and when they get angry, they kick the rice cakes into the sea. ...

Tell a story. Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who privately agreed for life, but the boy needed military service, so they made an oath with the girl and gave her a diamond ring, agreeing to meet the girl three years later today. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring. Three years later, the girl waited for the boy, but she couldn't. Sad and desperate, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and moved away.

20. The diver's movements are difficult. He turned three times, then somersaulted forward for three and a half times, and then somersaulted backward for a month.

2 1. When my friend Li Shansi and I just moved, there was no TV at home, which was very boring. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then we can change the channel by pretending that we have a remote control. This son of a bitch keeps changing channels. I told him, but he wouldn't listen. Then we started fighting.

22. An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road, fell to the ground and became a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and became a bad guy. An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became a Hua Dan. There is an egg riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; There is an egg. ......

23. Once upon a time, there was a man named Cai, and everyone called him.

result ...

One day, he was taken away!

Once upon a time, there was a bird.

He passes through a cornfield every day,

But unfortunately,

One day, a fire broke out in the cornfield.

All the corn has turned into popcorn! ! !

After the birds fly by, ......

I thought it was snowing, so I froze. ...

25. Xiaoming: Have you ever seen a tortoise shake its head?

Kangkang shakes his head) No.

Xiaoming: Have you ever heard a fool say?

Idiot said no, retarded said no.

The story of words

Kangkang: .............

A reporter will visit 100 penguins in the Arctic.

He asked the first penguin what his usual interests were. The first penguin said, Eat. Go to sleep. Knock on the door.

The reporter asked doubtfully what is knocking at the door? The penguin left without saying anything. The reporter wants to say ok, don't talk. He visited the second penguin again. What are his usual interests? The second penguin said, eat, sleep and knock at the door. Why are you knocking again? The reporter muttered in his mind. One by one, from visiting the first penguin to the 99th penguin, their usual interests are eating, sleeping and making love.

Until the100th penguin.

The reporter asked him what your usual interests are.

Penguin 100th: Eat. Go to sleep.

The reporter felt very strange and asked it: Why didn't you knock?

Penguin issue 100:'' Because I am a drummer''

27. The coffee cup and the water cup crossed the road together. At this moment, an old man shouted "Be careful, it's a red light now". But after a while, the coffee cup crossed the road smoothly, but the water cup was hit by a truck and flowed into the note. Why?

The key: Because coffee cups have "ears", water cups don't have 5555555555555555.

28. On a straw boat

Lu Su: "Is it really possible to borrow arrows like this? Kong Mingxian? Jun?

Zhuge Liang: "Trust me."

Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried ..."

Zhuge Liang: "There is no need."

Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat?"

Zhuge Liang: "It's a little inconvenient to say that ... Is there anything wrong?"

Lu Su: "Yes, I'm afraid the enemy is shooting rockets ..."

Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Amethyst, can you swim? I can't. "

29. Soldier: "Thirst … Thirst …"

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a merlin nearby, which may arrive in a moment. "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

30. the story of diusim: "............."

Dong Zhuo: "........."

Lu Bu: "I just want to hear your truth. Which one do you love more?" ! ? "

The story of diusim: "............."

Dong Zhuo: "........."

Lu Bu: "Answer me!"

Dong Zhuo: "It's really hard to decide! I like both! "

Lu Bu: "Scum!" ! "-according to research, the first BL murder in China history occurred in the late Eastern Han Dynasty. ...

3 1. One day, something happened to the red bean cake. His last words before he died were: "... Ah! It turns out that I am a bean paste! "

On a hot afternoon, a match tickled, scratched and caught fire.

Remember the game in the afternoon? In fact, there is still a game behind. His head feels itchy. After catching it, his head caught fire. Then he went to the hospital. After the nurse bandaged him, he became a cotton swab.

33. It's hot every day in summer, so we eat watermelon together in the dormitory.

A mm came over and asked, "Can I eat?"

Answer: "You can eat the seeds and keep the watermelon."

34. One day, Xiaoming, who went to kindergarten, ran to his father: "Dad, Dad, what rises in the east and falls in the west?" "Well, is it the sun?" "No, no, five words!" Dad thought for a moment and said, "Santa Claus grandson?" "Wrong, five words! Just those five words! " Dad thought for a long time and couldn't figure it out. . . . At this time, Xiao Ming said: ". . . . . . . . . . . . . Stupid, yes, yes, the sun! ! ! ! "

35. There is a child who looks like a tomato. One day, he was walking and suddenly fell down. . . . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that's funny.

Once upon a time, a horse walked into a bar, sat down at the bar and asked the bartender for a glass of wine. The bartender said, your face is so long.

This is the case.

37. My sister went shopping and picked it for a long time at a stall selling rubber bands.

Q: "Well, it's beautiful. Give it to you. "

Answer: "Why? I won't hit your glass. "

38。 One day, at the height of the national war, the guild leader came to the front of the grassland to boost morale. ...

The guild leader asked: What's the situation?

Report to the member archers: report to the head! There is a Bezos archer beside the tent 20 meters ahead, but his accuracy is poor. He has shot many times these days, but he didn't hit anyone.

After listening to this, the colonel asked: Since we have found the enemy archer, why not kill him?

The archer said: Report to the team leader! No, don't you want them to exchange it for a more accurate one?

39. Since the opening of Israel, all countries have flooded into Israel. ...

Ischia: Wow! Many people ~

Yi: Yes, I saw many gods of war and popes …

Ischia: What are they doing here?

Ismail: Come to the meeting.

Ischia: What meeting will be held?

Yi Yi: They came to discuss how we should face the challenges after joining the WTO.

Iska: ...

40. This is late-night training. ...

Soldier: Ah ... Hungry ~

Teammate: Wow! then what

Father: Come on ~ Come on ~ I'm here! Is the priest thirsty?

Warrior: Wow ... I ... I ... I just want to tell you that I'm going to the alley to buy noodles. ...

Pastor: ..........

4 1. The happiest festival

Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, telling each other that time waits for no man.

A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "It will be the days of the elderly in a few decades."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: ". Tomb-Sweeping Day. "

42. Super composition for girls in the fifth grade of primary school

Title-"Me Thirty Years Later"

Xiaomei, a girl in the class, wrote, "It's a beautiful day today. I'll take my children to Da 'an Forest Park in .............. We drove Lawrence, which my husband bought me, with a big diamond ring on our fingers and a gold necklace that we just bought me last month around our necks. I took my lovely children for a walk in the park, and people everywhere envied me. Suddenly, a smelly, muddy and homeless old lady rushed out of the road. Let me take a closer look ~ ~ ~ Oh, my God! She turned out to be my fifth-grade Chinese teacher! ............"

43.

4. The lovelorn and God

A man committed suicide and went to see God. God asked, "My child, why did you kill yourself?" The man said, "I pursued a woman, and she said I didn't have a tall and handsome figure and appearance, so she turned me down." God nodded thoughtfully and said, "This is true. Visual effects are very important in love. Well, I'll give you a beautiful shell that is unparalleled in the world. Now go back and pursue your happiness. " At some point, God said a spell, and with a whoosh, the man left. A week later, the man committed suicide for the second time and came back to see God again. God asked, "My child, why did you kill yourself again?" The man said painfully, "When I went back, the woman said that although I was handsome, I didn't know her at all. I was rejected again. " God nodded understandingly: "Of course, if you don't know someone, how do you know how to give her happiness?" Well, I'll give you superhuman insight and intuition, and you can go back and pursue your happiness. "God said, and read a spell, only heard a whoosh, and the man left again. A week later, the man came back, which was the third suicide. God was surprised and asked, "My child, why did you commit suicide again?"? "The man said in great pain: After I went back, although I was handsome and knew her well, she said that she had given her body to another man. God looked at the unfortunate man sympathetically and finally said, "Well, since you like that woman so much, I'll let the man die, so that the woman is yours." Go back! "

Then God said a spell. Just in the middle of the spell, he heard "Crash!" With a loud cry, God fell to the ground and died hard.

The man said happily, "Now I can finally go back to pursue that beautiful nun!" " "

44.

5. Zorro's death

One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house to meet her. The hostess asked Zorro, "What if my husband comes back?"

"Zorro said," it's okay. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will be there.

Pick me up next. "

The hostess said that if I heard three knocks at the door, my husband would come back.

Zorro said: I see.

After a while, it rained. Suddenly there were three knocks at the door: knock, knock, knock. Then say it's late

Yes, Zorro flew out of bed and jumped out of the window in the blink of an eye. When the hostess saw Zorro leaving, she went to open the door.

I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her, "Tell Zorro it's raining outside and I'm upstairs."

Wait for him on the way. "

45. One day, in the big forest, the fox was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit came from a distance and saw all this. He came up and said, Fox, how can you smoke marijuana? This is not good for your health. Look, how fresh the air is. Come and run with me. The fox thought it was right and ran away with the rabbit.

Running and running, they saw the elephant smoking heroin. The rabbit ran to the elephant and said, elephant, elephant, why are you taking drugs? Look how fresh the air is. Run with me. Elephants think it's right to run together.

Running and running, I saw the lion roll up his sleeves and was about to inject heroin. Little rabbit shouted to the lion from a distance: lion, lion, taking drugs is not good for your health. Look how fresh the air is. Run with me. ...

I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over, shooting rabbits crazily. The elephant trembled and said to the lion, why did you hit the rabbit? He doesn't want us to hurt his health!

The lion said angrily: NND dead rabbit, every time he takes drugs, he wants me to run wild in the forest with him, damn it!

46. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

47. Once I came out from my mother, I went to find my wife. After seeing my wife, I habitually called out, "Mom!"

48. I found that my bike was flat when I went to work in the morning, and I wanted my mother to push it outside to refuel. As a result, I said, "Push out my tires." Mom was confused, so I smiled and quickly corrected it. As a result, I said, "Fill my car with gas!" "

49. When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

50. It was convenient to go to the toilet last time, and there was no paper. He said to his wife, "Bring me the paper-wiping donkey!"

5 1. A girl is lovelorn. I advised her: "Two-legged toads are hard to find, and there are many men with three legs!" "

52. Two people were bickering, and suddenly a person next to them said, "You are really full and have nothing to do!"

53. Colleagues argued with others and opened their mouths in a hurry: "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating.

54. I read posts while eating and read classics to my wife. She laughed to death, so she said to me, "Look after dinner, or your brain will get indigestion!" "

55. I once asked a nearsighted person how many degrees his eyes were. He wanted to say 400 degrees, but when he said it, it became 400 watts. He had a stomachache!

56. On one occasion, the leader of the Education Bureau inspected the class exercises. After that, the PE teacher should have announced the "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words, held back for a long time and shouted, "Retreat!"

57. When a physical education student was practicing, many teachers took classes. He's too nervous. Finally, when he wanted to disband the team, his mind went blank and he said, "Attention, attention! Flash! ! "

58. A group of classmates went to their classmates' homes in the suburbs to play. We bought some watermelons to put in the kitchen. I asked a classmate to take a knife to cut it. I haven't been back for a long time. While wondering, he came over with a cut melon in his hand and said in a panic, I cut the pumpkin. Everyone laughed wildly, but two seconds later, everyone laughed even harder. It turned out that he had a melon in his hand!

59. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

60. A colleague, one day when I was driving on the road, had a flat tire and asked where there was an inflatable one. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions!"

6 1, I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, and finally it was my turn. I can't wait to say, "Give me two rollers!" " "I didn't expect the waiter to say to me loudly;" Two rollers, four dollars! "

62. I met a long-cherished female helium who came out of the bathhouse and wanted to get close. For a long time, she choked and said, "Are there many men in your bath?"

63. Once I went to dinner, I said to my boss when I checked out: "Husband! Check out! " The proprietress was nearby at that time. ...

64. A teacher played mahjong all night and saw that the blackboard had not been wiped. He was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

65. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

66. I just bought a house and called a buddy excitedly:' I bought a house, only a dime (I forgot to say "blank") is about to be renovated. "The buddy said," Is there only one toilet? So where do you live? "

67. Our teacher stayed to do his homework. If he can't do it, he will copy others'. Then he went to the office to hand in his homework and saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

68. A certain gentleman was particularly nervous on the day of driving test. The examiner embarrassed him and asked him to stop at a place with a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This Curtis said nervously, "Report the fire hydrant. There is an examiner on the roadside. No parking!" " "

69. The company keeps a dog named Xiaobai. One day, everyone teased the dog. Colleague A said to the dog with a biscuit, "Xiaobai, only you feed me in the whole office." Three seconds later, the whole office burst into laughter!

70. Two ants were walking on the road when they suddenly saw a big pear. Type the country name.

Answer 1:

Ant A: Hey, big pear? (Italy)

Answer 2:

Ant B: "Shh, pear." (Syria)

Answer 3:

Oh, big pear. (Australia)

Answer 4:

Ant B: "Hey, move." (Spain)

Answer 5:

Ant A: "I'll do it!" (Brunei)

Answer 6:

Ant B: "Take it home." (Bulgaria)

Answer 7:

Ant A couldn't hold on any longer, so he had an idea: "Eat pears." (Kenya)

Answer 8:

Ant B took a bite and said, "The pear is not tender." (Lebanon)

Answer 9:

Ant A also took a bite and said, "Noodles." (Myanmar)

Answer 10:

Ant B took another bite and said, "A pear." (Israel

7 1. A college student was caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, where are you from? I'll electrocute you if you don't tell me! The college student replied to the enemy's words and was electrocuted. He said, I'm from TV University!

72. You are lying in the theater, occupying four seats. When someone wakes you up, you only nod your head twice. The security guard came over and said, "Damn ~ Brother, which way is it?" You gnashed your teeth and said, "I fell down in the upstairs corridor!" " "

Patient: I can't sleep Doctor: these pills, red makes you dream of Dehua; Allen's white dream; Green dream of nourishing hair. Patient: What about eating them all? Doctor: Then you can see Guo Rong.

74. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

75. Police: "Say, what's your name?"

Prisoner: "My name is Jackie Chan."

Policeman: "Why don't you call Zhen Chen? Correct your attitude ~ tell me your name ~? "

Prisoner: "My name is Zhen Chen."