Classical Chinese Humorous Short Stories: Original Text and Translation.

When I was studying classical Chinese at school, my deskmate was sleeping, and the teacher told him to get up and translate, "I don't want to escape death, but I'm not afraid of death." There is nothing to refuse a glass of wine. "

I saw that the buddy picked up the book and said, "I'm not afraid of drinking to death!" " In the laughter of the whole class, he continued to translate: "How can a cup be?" Everyone was knocked down by thunder.

A meat thief went to Beijing to sell meat, stopped to urinate in front of a toilet on the side of the road and hung the meat outside. A second saw this and stole the meat.

Let's go Before he could go far, A had come out of the toilet, grabbed B and asked B if he had seen someone take his from the toilet.

Meat. B was afraid that A would see through, so he put the meat in his mouth early and said impatiently, "You are such an idiot! Hang the meat outside the door, how can you not hang it?

Lose? If you put meat in your mouth like me, is there any reason to drop it? "

-Wei Han Dan Chun's Laughing Forest

Xu Zhicai, the king of Xiyang in the Northern Qi Dynasty, was eloquent, especially good at word games. When he is not the king, he tries to play with the king, a senior minister.

Play. Wang laughed at the name and said, "Your name is Zhicai. What's the point? In my opinion,

More like' lack of talent'. Hearing this, he immediately laughed at the surname: "This word' Wang',

On the left, add "ㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡㄡ𞭑𞭑".

Out of the horn, the tail becomes a' sheep'. "The king listened to, tongue-tied, embarrassed.

On another occasion, Xu Zhicai entertained guests, and Lu Yuanming was present. During the dinner, Liu Yuanming poked fun at Xu Zhicai's surname and said:

"The word' Xu' means not to enter the people (the word' Wei' adds' Yu' and' Jin')." Xu Zhicai immediately laughed at Yuan Ming's surname-

-The word "Lu" (traditional "Lu"): The word "Lu" means "An".

People become' Lu' (Lu) and horses become' donkeys' (donkeys). "Lu Yuanming flushed and speechless.

Yes, the full house was laughing their heads off.

-The old title "Qi Yan Lu" by Sui Houbai

Bird's nest and calf Hou Bai later became officials in the Tang Dynasty, and often went to solve riddles on the lanterns with others. Hou Baixian made three chapters: "Guess."

Things, first, must be visible in kind; Second, you can't make empty explanations to confuse everyone; Third, if the explanation is finished, but see.

If you don't get it, you should be punished. Then he came up with a riddle: "The back is as big as a house, and the belly is as big as a pillow (the crossbar behind the car).

The mouth is as big as a cup. Everyone guessed for a long time, but no one guessed right. They all said, "Where is the mouth as big as a cup with a back?"

Something as big as a house? There is no such thing. You must make a bet with all of us. "Hou Bai finished gambling with all, explain.

Said, "This is the nest of swallows." They burst out laughing.

On another occasion, Hou Bai attended a large banquet. During the dinner, everyone asked him to make a riddle for entertainment. Guess, neither.

It can be strange and hard to know, but it can't be abstract and unreal. Hou Bai replied, "There is something as big as a dog and looks like an ox. What is this? "

Everyone has been speculating, some say it's roe deer, others say it's deer, but they are all denied. Let Hou Bai tell the answer.

Hou Bai laughed and said, "This is a calf."

-The old title "Qi Yan Lu" by Sui Houbai

In the early years of Tianbao, Emperor Xuanzong of the Tang Dynasty, he asked Zhang Zhi for fame. The famous secretary Jian He wrote to the court and retired to Wuzhong. Xuanzong

Li Longji respects him very much and treats everything differently.

When He Zhangzhi left, he said goodbye to Tang Xuanzong, and his eyes were full of tears. Tang Xuanzong asked him what other requirements he had. Zhang Zhi said:

"I know Zhang has a son, whose name hasn't been named yet. If your majesty gives you a name, it will be a great honor for the old minister to return home in clothes. " Xuanzong said, "Faith is the Tao.

Core, first, faith. Qing's son should be called Fu. "Know chapter thank humbly.

It took me a long time to realize. I thought to myself, "The emperor is so happy with me. I'm from Wu, and the word' fu' is

Add the word "Zi" under the word "claw". He named my son Fu, didn't he call my son's paw? "

-Kao Sung-yi "Living in Groups"

I don't know what poetry is. Ai Zi likes to write poems. One day, Ai Zi swam between Qi and Wei and stayed in a hotel. In the evening, he heard something in the next room.

People say, "A song." After a while, he said, "One more song." Ai Zi was baffled and sleepy all night.

I lay down until dawn, and I heard the people in the next room say it about six or seven times, that is, six or seven songs. Ai Zi thought that the person in the next room must be a poem.

People are immersed in poetry under the quiet mountain, feel respect in their hearts and like that person's quick thinking, so they decide to get to know this person.

Early in the morning, Ai Zi got dressed and got up, adjusted her crown belt and stood at the door to meet her. After a while, a vendor came out of the next room.

Here comes a man who looks like a man, thin and sick. Ai Zi was disappointed, thinking: With this respect, you look like a poet.

Perhaps, people can't judge people by their appearances, and they can't guess blindly. He went up to him and asked, "I heard that Mr. Wang has many poems." Can you ask the students to teach me? "

Take a look. "The man said," I am a businessman, and I never know what poetry is. Has refused to come up with poetry.

Let's go Ai Zi stubbornly said, "I heard you say' a song' in the house last night, and then said' a song'. Isn't it? "

Isn't it a poem? "

Hearing this, the man couldn't help laughing: "You misunderstood. I had an upset stomach last night. Every time I have diarrhea, I can't find my hand at night.

Paper, so I wiped it with my hand. Diarrhea lasted all night, and my hands were dyed almost six or seven times. When I say "hands", I don't mean poetry.

First. "Ziyi listened, ashamed.

-The old topic on Ai Zi's essays.

Word game Su Dongpo heard that Wang's Zi Shuo had just been finished, so he went to the government to congratulate him and joked, "The famous book says.

Bamboo' whip' horse' is' Benedict'. But I still have a question: "I don't know what to laugh at when I whip a dog with a bamboo pole."

what's up Gong Jing just laughed and asked, "Is there any evidence that the word' pigeon' was changed from the word' bird'?"

Dongpo immediately replied: "The Book of Songs says:' The corpse dove is in mulberry, and her son is seven', plus their parents, it happens to be.

Nine. "

Hearing Wang's words, he nodded happily. It was a long time before I knew that Su Dongpo had played a big joke with him again.

-Song, Su Shi, Ming and Wang Shizhen's second "Tune and Tease"

Three-point poem, seven-point reading Qin once told such a story:

Poet Guo once passed by Hangzhou and gave Su Dongpo a book of poems written by him for appreciation. Dongpo before reading poetry, he since

I began to recite it vividly, and I read it until my feelings flooded and I heard about it. After singing the poem, I asked Dongpo's opinion: "Zheng Xiang!"

How are these poems graded? "

Dongpo said without thinking, "Ten points." Guo exultation, and asked why there can be very. Dongpo replied with a smile:

"You just recite poetry, seven points from reading, three points from poetry. Isn't it ten o'clock? "

-Song, Su Shi, Ming and Wang Shizhen's second "Tune and Tease"

When Su Dongpo was demoted to Huangzhou by the imperial court, he supervised the business tax work in Huangzhou. A scholar wrote a letter to Dongpo,

Ask for a tax cut for his family. The letter said:

"I don't have any goods on board, so I can't pay taxes. Whatever you say, I beg you to let me go to Jingnan.

Take back your dead father's coffin. "

The officials laughed their heads off when they saw it.

-Song, Su Shi, Ming and Wang Shizhen's second "Tune and Tease"

Well, Su Dongpo is generous and straightforward, and he can't let things go in his heart. He once said, "If there are flies in food, you will want to vomit."

Let's go "Every time Uncle Chao went to see Dongpo, Dongpo said such things.

Once, Dongpo said to Uncle Mei, "I was selected by Zhaoling in Xianke. At that time, Wen Kuijun often became bosom friends with Yan.

The emperor summoned his ministers to make the right decision in the temporary hall. Every time I talk about current events, I am recognized by the emperor. Soon, I repeatedly put forward a chapter discussion.

Things, although the words are very straightforward, but the emperor never complains. If I don't give advice to the court, who can give it to the point?

What about suggestions? What I'm worried about now is that the court will kill me. "Uncle smell, silent speechless.

Dongpo sighed and said, "If the imperial court really wants to kill me, what is the pity in my life?" . There is only one thing.

It's better for you after killing me. "

The two of them went on laughing.

-Song, Su Shi, Ming and Wang Shizhen's second "Tune and Tease"

Shi (Shi Yannian), a poet, a bachelor of tile, is addicted to alcohol and has the genius of Li Chenxian (Taibai). Man Qing's behavior is dissolute, and he is good at talking about harmony.

Humorous words.

On one occasion, Shi rode a horse to visit Baoning Temple. The groom lost control for a while, and the horse jumped off and accidentally fell to the ground. accompanying

The staff quickly picked him up and put him in the saddle. When pedestrians saw this, they all gathered to watch, thinking that he would be furious and put this

The man who led the horse scolded for a while. And behold, stone slowly raised his whip, half-jokingly said to herdsman:

"Fortunately, I am a bachelor of stone. If I were a bachelor of tile, wouldn't I have been smashed long ago? "

-Song Xing lay "Zhang Zhanglu"

Huang Tingjian, a book about changing sheep, jokingly said to Su Shi: "The word of Wang Xizhi, a great calligrapher in the Eastern Jin Dynasty, was dubbed the word" changing goose "by the world; Han Zong now.

Confucianism is insatiable. Every time you get a word, go to Lin Yao, the handsome temple, and ask for ten catties of meat. In this way, you can be called

Our calligraphy has become a scroll. "

One day, Su Shi was busy writing in imperial academy. Han Zongru sent a letter to get Su Shi to reply.

I traded his words for meat. Everyone was standing under the door, and the governor was in a hurry. Su Shi smiled and said to him, "Go back and tell your boss,

Cut off his meat today. "

-Song Xing lay "Zhang Zhanglu"

Wang, an old woman who painted the faces of Jin people, promised to be self-disciplined. Every guest in the family must be served with tea. At that time, people jokingly called it "there is a flood today."

Su Dongpo visited a family in his early years. The host was hospitable and suggested drinking tea again and again. Dongpo was embarrassed and smiled at his master.

Said: "The so-called old woman draws a face." The host doesn't understand this meaning-put (tea), put (tea).

-Song Xing lay "Zhang Zhanglu"

When Pu Chuan was appointed as the prefect of Hangzhou, one day, an alchemist came to offer condolences. The alchemist is about ninety years old, but he has a face.

But fresh as a baby. Pu Zheng Chuan entertained him happily, and they had a very speculative talk. Zheng Chuan asked him to extend his life.

Surgery. The alchemist replied, "My immortality is extremely simple. Basically, there is nothing to be afraid of, only one thing must be tied. "

Remember, sexual desire must be forbidden. "

Zheng Chuan listened, bowed his head and thought for a long time, and sighed, "If so, what good will it do to live for more than a thousand years?"

And then what? "

-Fan Song Zheng Min's "Dunzhai Wandering"

Avoid saying the word "fall". Liu Mian, a scholar in the Tang Dynasty, was the most taboo by nature. When I took the imperial examination in my early years, did I pay attention when I talked to him?

And those who say the word "fall" are angry and angry, and their words are not inferior. If a servant makes a mistake of "falling down", he will be hit with a stick. because

So when servants talk to him, they often refer to "happiness" as "well-being".

On this day, he suddenly heard that the list was posted and quickly sent a servant to see it. Soon, the servant ran back,

Liu Mian hurried forward and asked, "Is my name on the list?" The servant sighed and replied, "The scholar has recovered."

-Fan Song Zheng Min's "Dunzhai Wandering"

Xu's wife, Liu, is a chaste woman who always prides herself on her decency and chastity. On one occasion, Xu left for more than a year, while Liu was at home.

Stay alone in the boudoir.

One day, Xu suddenly came home from work and said to his wife, "I have been away from home for more than a year, and you are there."

Living alone at home is boring. Don't you often walk around with your neighbors and relatives? "

Liu told him, "I have lost my mind and soul since Mr. Lang went out. I just don't go out with the door closed every day. "

Go home. "

Hearing this, Xu Fangyi repeatedly sighed. Asked his wife how to have fun, Liu replied, "Where is fun?"

Fun? It's just that I often write small poems to express my feelings. "

Fang Yi was very happy when he heard this, so he asked his wife to take this poem with him. I don't know, but I was shocked when I saw it-the first song opened.

The title of the poem is "Chatting with neighboring monks on a moonlit night".

-Fan Song Zheng Min's "Dunzhai Wandering"

Huijin Sun Zhang Huijin has a grandson in his teens. He is lazy and stubborn and doesn't like reading. Ai Zi hates him and often uses it.

He was beaten with a wooden pole, but he never changed. Ai Zi's son has only one child, and he is often worried that the child can't help but kill him with a stick.

Therefore, whenever the father hits the child with a stick, he implores with tears in his eyes. Ai Zi became more and more angry when she saw her son's misery.

When you are angry, teach him: "Why don't I discipline the children for you?" As he spoke, he played harder and his son was helpless.

What?

One winter morning, it snowed heavily, and my grandson was playing with snowballs in the yard. Ai Zi appeared and took off her grandson's clothes.

Clothes, ordered him to kneel in the snow, he was shivering with cold, really poor. My son dared not plead again, so he took it off.

Clothes kneeling beside his son. When Ai Zi saw this, he was shocked and asked, "Your son is at fault and deserves this punishment; What crime did you commit? Kneel down with him.

Together? "The son cried," If you freeze my son, I will freeze your son. "Ziyi could not help but smile and forgive.

They killed their father and son.

-Ming Luzhuo's "Sad Son Hou Yu"