Rebate joke

1, five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, so I called the hundred-dollar bill:

"ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.

Man: "... cake."

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.

Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four sections and plays mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "

Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "

4. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl fights hard and fights to the death.

After the failure, Panda Man said angrily, "We are all going extinct!" "

5. tortoise and rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ......

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ......

Then ..... the snail climbed up. ......

Soon ... the tortoise saw another ant ... and said to him, come up, too. ......

So the ants came up.

When the ant appeared ... he saw the snail on it ... and said to him, hello.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. .......

6. A man and a woman are eating.

Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?

The boy finally said: love

The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?

Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ......

The boys put forty yuan on the table.

soon .....

The girl was very angry and asked the boy, Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is just around the corner! (This cow! )

7. Go to the snack street one day

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately?

Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese.

8. One day, a family caught fire.

Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.

Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:

"Son ... what are you doing ... it's on fire ..."

The son replied, "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."

After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ fire, stay inside ... "

The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."

9. A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water to curse:

"*-%#% what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

10, a German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.

Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.

He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"surprise! 」

1 1, "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said: I am too young to fart so smelly. It must be a cow.

The cow said: I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly.

The pig said: People who fart will blush.

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, How many times have I told you, I was born blushing.

13 One day, a man met God. ......

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ......

God asked ......

Do you have any wishes? ......

The man thought about it. ......

I heard that cats have nine lives. ......

Then please give me nine lives. ......

God said, ......

Your wish has come true. ......

One day, the man was idle and bored. ......

If you want to say death, forget it. ......

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks. ......

As a result, a train passed by. ......

That man is still dead. ......

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars. ......

14, one day, three people came to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ......

Confused, the funeral home manager asked the police: Why do people's faces look like this after death?

The policeman said: It's ... it's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... He was with his wife in the spring night ... at the most passionate moment ... he couldn't stand it ... and then hung up.

The administrator replied, alas ... I wish I could die under the flower ... Being a ghost is also very romantic ... How did the middle one die?

Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... and the prize money exceeded 700 million yuan. ..

When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... and died. ......

The administrator replied: Alas ... he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... What about the rest?

Policeman: ... it's a pity that this one died ... he was killed by lightning while climbing a tree.

The administrator replied: ... This is a bit wrong. Why do you laugh when you are struck by lightning? ......

The policeman said, because he climbed the tree and thought ... suddenly there was a flash of lightning. ......

He thought ... someone was taking pictures of him. ......

15, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. On one occasion, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought this pair to. ...

Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran behind a tree to solve it.

This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the jade emperor.

The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.

In case the tree falls down and suppresses itself:

I hate two kinds of people, 1 racial discrimination, two black people and three people who can't count!

The devils entered the village, arrested Liu Hulan and asked her:

Say! Who is a member of * * *!

Liu Hulan righteousness is words to say:

My uncle (just now) is a member of * * *! My uncle (just now) is a member of * * *!

In this way, the hero was born ~

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me question you.

Squid said happily, cuff it!

Then the man roasted the squid. ..

1 1 1. A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water.

"tnnd~~ what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

1 12. One day, Mr. Wang drove home.

Suddenly there was a big rush next to him, and when he passed by, the driver shouted at him:

"Dude, have you ever driven a big run?" Say that finish, 1 of "sou" took off.

Mr. Wang was very angry and stepped on the gas to catch up.

Seeing him catch up, the driver stretched out his head and shouted to him:

"Dude, have you ever driven a big run?" Then, the whoosh disappeared again.

"Mama of, cow B what!" Mr. Wang felt better after scolding, so he stopped chasing.

After driving for a while,

Mr. Wang saw that the bus just turned over on the side of the road. He was curious and slowly approached.

I saw the driver is under the car, a faint said:

"The elder brothers, ran a catastrophe? Do you know where its brakes are? "

1 13. I used to have schizophrenia, but now we are all well ~ ~ ~ ~

1 14. An international student is taking a driver's license test in the United States, and the road sign ahead prompts him to turn left. He's not sure. He asked the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "Yes"

So ... hang up. ..

1 15. One day, mung bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and turned into red beans; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

1 16. Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew away ...

1 17. There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked. ...

1 18. One day, the little penguin asked his grandmother, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

1 19. A pair of corn fell in love …

So they decided to get married …

On the wedding day ...

One corn can't find another corn …

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

120. In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

12 1. Two people fell into the trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living?

A: Call for help!

122. Someone looks like a sweet potato and fell down while walking. ...

123. Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

124. One day there was a mother-in-law in a car …

Sitting halfway, my mother-in-law doesn't know the way.

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass … ..

125. An egg went to a teahouse for tea and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, causing a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and turned into a bad egg; An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; An egg ...

126. The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

127. Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

Why do chickens cross the street?

The answer gets to the other side.

129. Teacher: "You finally came! Why didn't you come to class yesterday? "

Student: "Because, because, my mother fell down the stairs."

Teacher: "Oh! I see. Mom was hurt, so you didn't come. "

Student: "No ... My father was injured ..."

Teacher: "Why did your mother fall down the stairs and your father get hurt?"

Student: "Because .. my dad has a woman outside .."

Teacher: "What? .. what does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs? "

Student: "because they were fighting .. my mother fell, it's okay." My father was injured by my mother. "

Teacher: "Oh ... so you didn't come to class because you took dad to the hospital?"

Student: "No, that woman outside sent my dad."

Teacher: "Then why didn't you come to class?"

Student: "Because I overslept."

Teacher: "What does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs! ? "

Student: "No, I ... I just mentioned it by the way ..."

130. Cloudy night .....

A group of girls' school students are playing disc fairy in the dormitory. Suddenly,

They kept screaming! ! !

The seniors upstairs hurried into their dormitory.

I saw the plates on their desks spinning at a breakneck speed.

Amazingly fast, and horribly fast.

"Oh, no! What did you do? "

Senior realized that the situation is wrong, hurriedly asked

"Allah ..." The junior girl said.

"Allah just asked how fast it could turn ...? "

13 1. What is that man doing?

He's shaking.

Why is he shaking?

He's cold.

A: Oh, shivering doesn't lead to cold drawing.

A: ...

132. A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend and walking down the street. It was very hot, so Mr banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down. ...

133. A sausage is kept in the refrigerator.

I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other one next to me, and I felt a little comforted. I said, "Look at you, frozen like this, covered in ice!" " "As a result, the root of the tree said," Sorry, I'm a popsicle. "

134. Once upon a time, a marshmallow went to play with a ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired, I feel soft all over. ...

135. The diver's movements are difficult. He turns three times, then somersaults three and a half times, and then somersaults for a month.

136. One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house to meet her. The hostess asked Zorro, "What if my husband comes back?"

"Zorro said," it's okay. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will pick me up below. "

The hostess said that if I heard three knocks at the door, my husband would come back.

Zorro said: I see. After a while, it rained. Suddenly there were three knocks at the door: knock, knock, knock. If it's too late, it will be soon. Zorro jumped out of bed and suddenly jumped out of the window. When the hostess saw Zorro leaving, she went to open the door.

I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her, "Tell Zorro it's raining outside and I'll wait for him in the corridor."

137. Once upon a time, there was a man named Cai Xiao who was abandoned and rotted overnight ~ ~ ~ ~

138. A man looked like an airplane and walked away.

There is a man who looks like chocolate and eats while walking.

There is a person who looks like a light bulb and lights up when he walks.

There was a man named Xiaohua who was picked while walking.

There was a man named Coke who was drunk when he walked.

139.MM got lost looking for the university. Meet a gentle professor.

Excuse me, how can I get to the university?

Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college.

140. Every time I see you wearing stockings. ...

There will be an indescribable feeling in my heart,

namely ...

Radish is also wrapped in plastic wrap! ! !

14 1.M: I really love you. Please be my girlfriend! !

Woman: But I have no feelings for you at all! !

M: Well, you tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change it! ! !

Woman: Then tell me what is good about me first, and I'll change it! ! !

142. The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said, I didn't put it there.

Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to take care of big things, so what's your use?

143. In fact, the Olympic mascots should be designed as "a million heroes crossing the river", with a total of one million mascots in different shapes. If you want to buy, you have to buy 1 10,000 mascots at a time. If you lose one, you lose your collection value and get rich. ...

144. Miss: Business is bad now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu ..."

145. A woman was shaking when she met a robber and said, "I'm from XX. I just graduated and haven't found a job yet. I really have no money ... "

The robber cried bitterly after hearing this. "Elder sister, I am also XX. You are holding your student ID card, and the one in front of you is XX. Don't worry, we will never rob our own people! "

XX of 145 can be freely replaced with the name of your school or unit. ...................

146. Ask the canteen: What can I eat to keep warm in cold weather?

A: Eating cotton helps to keep warm ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

65438+

PS: Minors please skip this joke automatically. ............

148. A blind beggar was begging in the street wearing sunglasses.

A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars.

After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and happened to see the blind man with his back to the sun to distinguish the authenticity of a hundred-dollar bill.

The drunk came over and took the money back and said, "You fucking don't want to live, how dare you lie to me!" " "

The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said, "Brother, I'm really sorry. I'm looking for a friend. He was blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am dumb. "

"Oh, I see," so the drunk dropped his money and staggered away again. ...

149. bird flu-it's all caused by "paradise shit"! ! !

There are two kinds of people who have a high probability of getting bird flu-1. "animals"; 2. People who are "worse than animals".

150. If you make trouble again, I'll send you to the school hospital! ! !

15 1.GDP grows as fast as a beard and wages grow as slow as an eyebrow!

152. Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

I will, when I steal the forbidden fruit from Adam and Eve ~

Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don't know!

Because Adam has no cigarettes! (hint: homophonic words)

153. Someone just got abandoned by his girlfriend and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the angrier he became, trying to humiliate them. So I made a polite greeting and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike my second-hand goods!" " Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said, "One inch outside is old, and the inside is brand new!" "

154. Can you be my bird flu this season?

155. Warmly celebrate the year-end rebate promotion of our canteen!

I only got the participation prize-fifty cents, but I found it in the dish!

156. Second-hand college advanced mathematics textbooks are for sale, 90% new, with transcripts as proof!

157. When we broke up, she kissed me and it felt as real as People's Daily. ...

158. I just saw something similar to a news scroll bar above my senior's computer screen, and the words on it passed quickly.

I am curious to ask: Is this the lyrics?

Senior: Yes!

Senior: How did it pass so quickly? I didn't even see it clearly!

Senior: From Jay Chou! !

159. There was a man who looked like a telephone, and he was beaten while walking …

A man who looks like intel was hooked up while walking …

There is a man who looks like jiaozi, and he was wrapped up when he walked …

160. Wife: I am blind and will marry you if I step on shit.

Husband: I was really blind enough to step on shit before I married you.

Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it. ......

16 1. Go to the snack street one day …

Find a store that sells egg towers ...

Each kind looks delicious. I want to buy one to try …

I asked the clerk, "Is this sold separately?"

Shop assistant: "No, it's Japanese" ~ ~ ~

162. college entrance examination chemistry questions: a and b can be transformed into each other, b can generate c in boiling water, and c can be oxidized into d in air. Smells like rotten eggs. What are a, b, c and d?

I replied: A is a chicken, B is a raw egg, C is a cooked egg, and D is of course a rotten egg!

163. Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin or lion skin?

A: Eraser.

Because of the eraser

164. What is it with only one head and one foot?

Answer: Three monsters with one head and one foot! ! ! ! ! !

165. The ants went to the desert. Why didn't he leave footprints on the beach, but only a line?

Answer: Because it rides a bike!

The ant came home from the desert. He didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back! Why ah!

Answer: I saw his bike parked downstairs.

166. One day, a female drug addict was arrested in the police station. The police saw a tattoo on her hand and asked her why she had her boyfriend's name tattooed on her hand. Is his name Liang Xiao ... Ah ... isn't it? Come on, say ... Is he taking drugs? Let's go

I saw the female drug addict raise her head with angry eyes.

Say to the police

This is hatred. ...

This story tells Allah ... it's best not to gain weight after tattooing-_-! !

167. A steamed bread is walking on the road. Eat when you are hungry, and then you become a steamed stuffed bun.

A steamed stuffed bun has diarrhea after eating too much, and then it becomes steamed bread.

A steamed bun was walking on the road and had an accident. He turned into a biscuit.

A steamed stuffed bun was walking on the road and had an accident. He became a sandwich biscuit ...

168. Daming's wife is going to have a baby

Daming is waiting anxiously outside the delivery room.

Suddenly, Daming heard a "wow"

After that, a nurse came out with her child in her arms.

Daming hurriedly asked if it was a man or a woman.

The nurse said, "Guess."

"male?"

"No."

"Woman?"

"You are so smart. You guessed it in two strokes. "

169. One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend went out for a drive.

The car is running out of gas, and there is a gas station next to it. When driving by, a sudden gust of wind blew my boyfriend's hat away.

Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her:

"I'll get my hat, you help me to refuel. 」

Not far from her boyfriend, she heard Xiaomei shout behind her:

"come on Come on! 」

170. A woman went to apply for a job, and the boss asked, "How many children do you have? 」

She replied, "Five. 」

The boss asked, "What are their names? 」

She replied, "Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming. 」

The boss asked, "They are all called Xiao Ming, so what do you want them to eat you?" 」

She said, "That's easy. As long as I call Xiao Ming, they will all come. 」

The boss asked again, "but what if you just call a child?" 」

She said, "That's easier. I just need to call him by his last name. 」

17 1. He had an accident and the car hit his head.

He was in a coma for two days and finally woke up.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was beside him.

He held his wife's hand and said earnestly:

"When I was in college, I often made up exams. At that time, you were with me. 」

"When all my interviews failed, you cut out the job advertisements for me by my side and asked me to apply. ...

Finally, I was in charge of a very important contract, but I screwed it up because of a small mistake, and you were still with me. 」

"Later, after I was unemployed for a period of time, I found another job, but I never got a promotion, and my efforts were not recognized.

So my position is the same as when I first entered the company, and you are still by my side ... "

His wife listened to his confession with tears in her eyes.

"Now I had an accident. When I wake up and find you still by my side, I have something to say to you ... "

Hugging her husband by the bed and sobbing deeply. Then, the husband said:

I think ... you let me down ... "