Fang Qingping’s classic jokes

1. My 2019

Author: Fang Qingping

I participated in the comedy show last year, and I achieved good results in being eliminated as soon as I appeared. The joy of their comedians is based on my pain.

However, I am good at darts. I made their heads into targets, and I threw darts at them every day. In fact, in terms of age, I should be like Teacher Guo, sitting there and commenting.

In terms of popularity, you can only compete with young people. You are not as fashionable as other people, so you can’t think of it, right? There are old people and young people in the family. You said I want to change my career at my age, what can I do? Just learn to play porcelain.

I guess I can’t learn it yet, the target is too big, so the driver from all the way will pay attention. I analyzed the reasons for my failure. One word: old image, old language, and old concept.

Three words, right? Yes, yes, I am the most powerful brain, and I am the most powerful brain. Look at Mr. Guo, he has a heart-shaped hairstyle. Tao'er, right? Peach core, I can't learn it yet.

I am bald, so I can only keep the peach behind, out of sight of the audience on stage. Teacher Yu Qian permed his hair, let alone learned how to do it. I passed by a hair salon that day and it said that it was specially for bald people to perm their hair. I went in and had it permed, and it was really permed. They permed me with nine points, but my hairstyle couldn’t be changed.

I updated my language. Now when I speak to a normal person, it sounds like a lunatic, but to a lunatic, it sounds normal. Let’s take, for example, this word. Confirmed eyes.

Audience: Are you the right person?

Fang Qingping: No, according to the terminology of the eye hospital, this person is not conspicuous, his eyes are not right, and there is nothing wrong with his eyes. Koi, what do you mean? Jinzhou carp.

It has fewer thorns and more meat. I heard that forwarding koi carp can bring good luck to yourself. I bought a hundred of them and asked the courier to forward them to those buddies. They didn’t understand fashion and asked I said, stay well, why are you giving me a fish?

Is there information in the belly of the fish? I didn’t tell him. I kept him confused for a lifetime. There is another word, domineering man. This person is of poor quality, but his thinking is clear. First of all, he is domineering. The target is a girl, if the other party is Tyson.

He must have stood up. Oh, brother, you can sit down, right? What does this mean? To win in competition, choosing the right opponent is more important than your own efforts. I just chose the wrong opponent, you know?

For example, if I want to participate in a children's cross talk competition, I will definitely win the prize. It's hard to say. They all say that I am qualified. They all say that I am a giant baby, a big fat boy, and this domineering man also has a feature. What is it?

I have a firm belief. No matter how much I try to persuade someone like a steward or a police officer, it won’t work. Just sit in someone else’s seat and let others have their say. If you keep going like this, he will reach his goal sooner or later and get beaten. In fact, I have no belief. Very firm.

I insist that after more than 30 years of cross talk, I have experienced repeated defeats and defeats, and regard being eliminated as a part of daily life.

2. My Troubles

Author: Fang Qingping

I get annoyed every year when the twelfth lunar month comes. Someone always asks me to book train tickets. I want to be able to book tickets. I am still working in a TV station. In fact, booking tickets is quite easy now. There is that train ticket booking website.

In the past, you had to ask someone to queue up, and it took more than half a month to find out that you had no tickets. Now it is simple. You can turn on the computer and click the mouse to know immediately that you have no tickets. Society has progressed. As society progresses, my worries will increase.

I said I should buy some food and cook it at home. Oh, I was afraid that the pesticides would exceed the standard. There is a pollution-free products counter over there. Chives cost one yuan a piece. I bought them for five yuan and went home. I was reluctant to eat it, so I found a flowerpot and planted it, and kept it as a Clivia.

Let’s watch TV at home, replaying "Where Are We Going, Dad"? Lin Zhiying’s son Mixi, not named Mixi, Kimi, is just that child. Do you know how much the appearance fee is now? Hundreds of thousands. I played two hundred and fifty once.

Let’s switch to a science and education program. There is a farmer whose body is electrified. A dozen experts formed a research team. Oops, after more than three months of research, they found the reason. The electric pen is broken. Let’s switch to another one, "The Legend of Zhen Huan", which my son is in the first grade of elementary school.

I was addicted to watching this show. When the roll call came in class, he stood up and didn’t answer a single word, “The slave is here.” I said I stopped watching TV and went out to drive around. The police stopped me. Your car had a restricted number today. I drove it out yesterday and it was stuck in traffic all day.

After doing errands in Wangfujing all morning, after calculating the parking fee, I said the car is yours. I encountered traffic jam again when I went back. I pushed the car and didn't fall behind. My dream is that I buy a RV with a bathroom. If there is a traffic jam, I rent out the bathroom.

It costs 50 cents to poop and 25 cents to urinate. There is that one who likes to pee while driving, and there is another one who will not let you pee no matter how much I pay. I will suffocate you to death. Nowadays, many people just go out to drive and bring their own diapers. You see, some people are driving and suddenly become stunned and tremble after half a minute.

Now that you have the road conditions in Beijing, no matter how good a sports car you buy, it won’t be able to drive. I bought a six-hand Alto and found an Audi logo to put on the back. It wasn’t put on properly and a ring fell off. Son, people ask me, their cars have four rings, why do you have three rings?

Don’t you understand this? Buying a car is the same as buying a house. The third ring road is more expensive than the fourth ring road. My car doesn't have seat belts, so I carry an electrician's schoolbag when I go out.

Cao Yang, the guy selling dog meat with a sheep's head on his shoulder, also followed my example and carried a schoolbag when he went out to drive. When the police stopped him when he went out, he carried it on both shoulders.

What do people think you are doing? Why do you want to skydive? My car will cause trouble if I drive it out, because I have a particularly bad habit of driving after drinking.

The police stopped me and pointed the sobriety tester at me and blew it on me. Blow, my father Buffett, my uncle Bill Gates, and my uncle Shakespeare didn't let you brag about yourself, brag about this, brag about this, this thing is well-made, old thing, the police said you come down.

I've always had accidents while driving. It was my first time driving and I didn't break any rules. The police stopped me. It's your first time driving. I've always been riding a bicycle. How did you know?

3. I play Wei Xiaobao

Author: Fang Qingping

Being obedient and long, fried leeks and green onions, married to too many wives, how quiet it is to come out. "Blurting Out", today Xiaofang is telling you something. You ask me where this is?

I recently took on a role in Jin Yong's masterpiece "The Deer and the Cauldron". I played the male lead Wei Xiaobao. Many people said that the Wei Xiaobao he played was not like him, saying that Wei Xiaobao was a little bit of a scoundrel.

It’s a bit different from the original work, so they decided to remake it again, to make it more different from the original work, not to make Wei Xiaobao’s ruffian taste even bigger. When the director first informed me, I was so surprised. I'm confused, happiness comes too suddenly.

I was so excited that I was holding the phone and my nose was bleeding. I couldn’t help but be excited. After being an actor for so many years, I started acting for the masses, including passers-by, bandit B, refugees, and dead bodies. Yes, I have also acted as a plant and stood on the stage as a tree.

Two actors and actresses leaned on me to fall in love, kiss each other, and make love in every word, without considering my feelings at all. So far, my best role is that of a vegetative person. I am acting in my true colors. , I’m not pretending, I don’t speak and I look like a vegetative state.

This time, a director actually asked me to play the male lead, and it was Wei Xiaobao. I would never have dreamed of it. Wei Xiaobao was my idol when I was a boy. Wei Xiaobao’s experience fulfilled my dream in life. Without learning, there is nothing. Skills, greed for money and lust, inferior to one person, superior to ten thousand people.

So many beauties came, and they all became wives. I also want to marry seven wives and take them with me every day when I go out to play, so no one dares to hit me. Moreover, it is convenient. When skipping rope, there are people shaking the rope, jumping rubber bands, holding rubber bands, playing with sandbags and cutting bags, and riding horses to fight.

One person can lead seven soldiers, why did you choose me to play Wei Xiaobao? I called the director and asked, and he said it was because I was cheap and not famous.

Some famous actors would be paid hundreds of thousands for an episode, but I would be paid tens for an episode. I was so angry that I was not afraid that I would not pass the urine test if I failed.

4. Blushing out

Author: Fang Qingping

My name is Fang Qingping. Born on August 5, 1970, my mother said I was born in the year of Dog, and my wife said I was Leo. I couldn’t figure out whether I was a dog or a lion. I was afraid that my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law would have conflicts, so I was considered a poodle. .

I have been on the Beijing Spring Festival Gala for three consecutive years. Last year, I launched my own program "Blurted Out" on the Beijing Literature and Art Channel. Now I am really popular and make a lot of money. What is Bill Gates? , which is Buffett? When he saw me, he stopped eating.

I said I would take a break, except for those two brothers, it was me. The insoles I use are all from Chanel.

The ear scoops are made by Hermès, the tickles are made by Vacheron Constantin, and the watches are drawn with ballpoint pens. It’s not that they can’t afford them.

I am afraid that Dai Zhen will be photographed and cause trouble. Rich people like us will marry a daughter-in-law. What are movie stars and singers? We don’t like her at all. Let's find the diver.

My wife was originally the embryo of a world champion, but she got a little too hot-tempered and jumped into the pool before the water was released. The coach even shouted yes, said yes, and there was no splash at all.

His head hit the ground, and his neck was poked into his chest. That’s what everyone else did when they debuted on that platform. My wife was like this, and the coach made her retire. The wedding of our couple was so grand, and 200,000 extras were used for the group exercises alone.

It is made up of four words, good together and easy to break up. It is not these four words, good together for a hundred years. The wedding dress my daughter-in-law wore was made of pure gold and weighed more than 160 pounds. After wearing it, I couldn’t walk. I pushed her in a trolley. My wife's teeth were inlaid with more than 20,000 diamonds, and her lips were turned outwards.

The diamond in the molar tooth has worn out the cheek, and when he speaks, blood spurts out. We don’t need a fleet of cars to pick up a bride, we use a fleet of planes, and it has nothing to do with the back plane. It’s just that the plane my wife and I took was open-top, and my wife was blown away several times.

Fortunately I brought a parachute, otherwise I would be single again. The wedding is scheduled to be held at the Burj Al Arab Hotel in Dubai. The price per table is US$8.88 million, excluding drinks and Erguotou brought from China.

5. No one can be left behind

Author: Fang Qingping

Fang Qingping: Let’s have a meeting. Why didn’t Sun Tao come?

< p>Gong Haochuan: Manager, I haven’t gone to work yet. I must have bought breakfast for everyone.

Fang Qingping: Okay, let me announce something. Everyone has worked very hard this year, and the general manager decided.

Together: Bonus will be issued.

Fang Qingping: There is one driver. Which of you will stay and who will go?

Gong Haochuan: Me.

Fang Qingping: The veteran employees are very upright and honest.

Gong Haochuan: I need to go to the toilet.

Fang Qingping: Hold it in.

Gong Haochuan: No, manager, if you hold it in for a long time, your body will have problems. If there is a problem with my body, there will be problems with my work. If there is a problem with my work, there will be problems with the company. , if I want to solve the problem you just mentioned, I must first solve the problem of my going to the toilet.

Fang Qingping: Shut up, you are the company’s biggest problem. Sit down, what about you.

Song Ning: Manager, I can’t do this.

Fang Qingping: Why are you still watching "The Legend of Zhen Huan"? Please let the Legend of Zhen Huan go.

Song Ning: Yes, manager.

Fang Qingping: What about you.

Jiang Lilin: Me.

Fang Qingping: There is no real thing, right? Get up and stand up. You drank again last night.

Jiang Lilin: If you don’t drink, you won’t be able to sign the order.

Fang Qingping: Well... let me decide. Our company will lay off employees.

Gong Haochuan: Manager, I have a truck.

Rong Ning: I have a mortgage.

Jiang Lilin: I have a loan shark.

Fang Qingping: The competition is coming, right? Okay, I decided to lay off Sun Tao in our department.

He: Yeah.

Baidu Encyclopedia-Fang Qingping