Collect some funny jokes, preferably the kind that make you laugh to death

2009's latest most explosive slip of the tongue, you will laugh to death without any discussion

1 In the unit's congratulations, a leader said: "I wish everyone good health..." He held it in, he ran out of words.

2 Once I helped my boss book a hotel and wanted to ask if they had any services such as free Internet access, but I couldn’t think of anything.

So I asked the other person : "Excuse me, do you have any special services here?"

The other party: "What? We are a regular hotel with special services!"

-__-!!!!

3 The fourth person in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time, but there were none. I asked everyone: Why are my slippers gone?

4 While shopping, a friend suddenly exclaimed: "Wow! 'Virgin Bookstore'!" I was shocked. I looked up and saw a plaque with four big characters written on it

>

--Foreign Language Bookstore-__-!

5 I once went to buy mutton skewers

I held out 4 fingers and said to the boss, "Here are three mutton skewers."

The boss was confused, "How many?" ? "

I stretched out three fingers and said "4"...

6 Our general manager’s surname is Zhou. One time he called me while I was driving and I got nervous. He opened his mouth and said: "Premier Zhou..."

7 My surname is Zhu, and I manage the unit's computer room. Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken Section, are you in the pig room?" At that time, he scolded that guy

for a meal

8 I was queuing in the cafeteria when I heard a boy next to me say : "Master, let me have a bowl of 'Bullet Cauliflower' soup!" (Seaweed and Egg Drop Soup) Haha

Ha, I laughed so much that I gushed out the soup.

9 One day, I was eating very slowly and very hungry at a rice noodle shop

Finally I couldn’t hold it in any longer and slapped the table and roared. I originally wanted to say that if I didn’t get the rice noodles, I would flip the table over. !

The result was: "Boss!!!! If you don’t serve rice noodles, I will eat the table!!!!"

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds and then burst into laughter under the table... It’s embarrassing. ...

10 When my parents quarreled, my dad said angrily: "Get out of here!"

11 When I was playing basketball in high school, A was selfless after getting the ball. Passed to B, B easily scored. After a while, B got the ball, and A shouted loudly to pass the ball to him. But B throws the ball himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blinded just now...

The whole audience laughed

12 In my impression, the squad leader in elementary school was extremely serious. During a self-study class, the classroom There was a lot of noise in the room. After maintaining order several times, the squad leader finally couldn't bear it any more. He stood up, slapped the table and roared: Whoever makes noise again, cut him off!!!...The whole class was silent

13 When we were in college, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was doing, and he said excitedly: "Manchester United lost, and Beckham received two yellow plates and was sent off!"

14 Don’t do porcelain work without a gold hoop

15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture about a new type of material and said: "The sexual function of this material is The old materials are incomparable...ah, no, the performance and functions..."

16 I just went to college and was in military training. The company commander didn't know the accent and shouted the password-- "Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

17 When I was in college, I heard a girl ordering: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour shredded potatoes, without the potatoes!

18 In the second year of high school, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just been transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. His accent was very strong. His son

went to the Department of Architecture at Tsinghua University, which was also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He was very proud of his son and always talked about his son with us.

This is the case every time Said, "My (my) moth (son) is from the Toad (Architecture) Department of Frog (Tsinghua) University." ． ．

If moths get to frogs and toads, wouldn’t they become snacks? ． ．

19 When I was cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go and cut the carrots into cubes!"

20 A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write the festival section? I answered: Add a festive stanza under the prefix "草" and remove the prefix "草"!

The whole staff burst into laughter! I didn’t react for a moment~~~~~~~!

When I was looking for a job in 21, the examiner asked me which year I graduated.

I originally wanted to say the year 2000, but I got excited and said, "Two thousand years ago..."

What was even more shocking was that the examiner actually said "Oh" : "A student of Confucius."

22 Just over 10 minutes into class, my deskmate raised his hand and said: Teacher, I want to use the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you when you still need to go to the toilet?

22 I have a classmate who has been reviewing for the computer level 3 test. One day while playing football, another classmate dribbled the ball to the bottom line. I just heard him

yell: Enter! Enter! (Biography)

23 I remember one time when I went to buy a fruit called Elizabeth, I opened my mouth and said: Boss, how much does Shakespeare cost? The boss was stunned on the spot

24 The physics teacher said: "This is a thick spring. I push it from both ends to see if it becomes denser (constipation). )? "

25 I heard from my classmates that once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

She said to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want fresh food or spicy food?

Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s have three fresh dishes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food. . .

26 Senior sister from university, majoring in educational psychology. She was late... walked into the classroom and glanced sideways at the blackboard. The old professor got angry and asked the senior sister to answer the questions on the blackboard. The senior sister hesitated for a long time and said: "lt;Sexuality and Sex Theorygt;, this is too difficult to explain." The whole class was on their feet.

(Note. The professor’s original topic: lt;On Reason and Emotionsgt; ;)

27 A male classmate who is very close to me fell to the ground. To express my concern, I asked: "Does your butt hurt from the fall?" As a result

accidentally I said "Your butt must have fallen to death"~~~ The brother stood up, patted his butt, farted, and said, "He's not dead, he's still breathing

!" I fainted immediately.

28 I was drinking with the leader and others, raised my glass and loudly said: "Let us die together!" My brain was too hot at the time...

29 Once, we A newspaper photographer came back from an interview with a female celebrity and talked about how he got to know her at the meeting. The boss looked at the pile of photos on the table and joked: I think you have become his official photographer. But the boss's southern Mandarin was unclear

not fluent, so he pronounced "Yu" as the sound of "日". From then on, this poor photojournalist was called a "daily photographer" by us. When he worked overtime, of course he became a "night photographer".

30 Boss, do you have any toilet paper cards?

31 One of our colleagues is on a business trip, and the dealer treats us to dinner. If you need to urinate during the meal, the dealer said that there is a restroom opposite. If you go there, if you tell the door, we are dining opposite and it will be free. In order to save two cents, our colleague walked straight ahead

and confidently said to the toilet man: "I'm here to eat!"

32 I work in the logistics department, and I passed by During the New Year, a customer called me to check when the pre-holiday goods would arrive. Because the past few days during the holidays were so confusing, I couldn’t figure out the contents of the order, so I asked casually: What are you doing? ?

33 I have a friend who has just watched "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" and is very interested in the "dog-beating stick method" and often makes jokes with others.

One day, he did it again as usual. He kicked someone else and shouted: "Kick the dog!" Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked him again and shouted: "Kick the dog!"

34 When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays

I wanted to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant

Because I was still a child and it was my first time to work, so I was very nervous. Nervous

I originally wanted to ask the manager if he needed any part-time workers, but I thought it would be more subtle to ask if he needed any manpower.

The result was: "Manager, do you need any help here?" ? "

I almost found a hole to get in at that time

35 Once I went to the market to buy vegetables for a dinner party. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan, so he gave up everything he had All the change

was given to the hawker, but he was still short of a dime, so he said to the hawker--

"I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair."

The hawker was silent for a long time, and then replied -

"I don’t want your hair anymore."

36 The manager usually said to the smokers during meetings: All smokers should be pinched Die!!

37 I remember when KFC launched Liuxiang to spread its wings, because I didn’t read the advertisement and listened to other people’s words, I always thought that Liu Xiang endorsed

KFC. When I arrived at Ken, I told the waiter directly that I wanted Liu Xiang to spread his wings. . .

After the KFC Sudan Red incident on 38, I went to KFC

The waiter asked, what do you want?

I didn’t even think about it: a pair of Sudanese red ones

The waiter immediately looked like he was choked

39 I went with a few colleagues after get off work a few days ago I was having dinner in a small shop. There were quite a lot of people in the shop at that time. A fat waiter was very busy. A colleague shouted: "Waiter~~" and the girl ran away. Come over and ask: "What kind of bill did you guys pay?"

We all paid at that time. When we go to this restaurant to eat in the future, we will call "waiter to check out" when ordering, and then when we are leaving

Shout "Order!!"

40 I met a colleague in the bathroom at noon. Suddenly I didn't know what words to use to say hello, so I asked by mistake: "Have you eaten?

?" After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed. My colleague replied: "Eat, where are you?" I'm dizzy~~~~~

41 My colleague wanted to ask about RMB and Japanese yen. The exchange rate, he started talking about, how to exchange the orangutan with the Japanese yen.

42 The guys in the dormitory were watching "Prison Break", and there was a scene where a man took out a razor blade from his mouth to kill someone. The boss suddenly said: "I'm a K, hide your mouth." I can still talk in the blade, so I’m convinced..."

43 One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side. My brother didn't move for a long time, and my mother was in a panic. She looked like this

"Do you hear me?! I told you to move the table two kilometers to the side."

p>

=_=!!!

44 After the union chairman gave an impassioned speech, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let us do our work this year

Gotta be better than next year! Everyone fell down.

45 Our teacher is very good. One day he said this: "Take out the homework, let's check the answers, put a cross on the correct ones, and then write the correct answers on them.

………"

46 I called a friend I hadn’t contacted for a long time and learned that he was applying for "suspension with salary"

47 There are so many beauties in the country that it attracts countless heroes to shoot big eagles. . . . . . .

48 I went to the cinema to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean 3". There was a trailer for "Transformers" before the movie started. When I saw the leader of the Decepticons

I couldn't think of "Megatron". Oh my god, I couldn't remember that his team was called "Decepticons", because I was so excited, so I exclaimed, "It's so handsome, it's Nan Decepticon!"

The terrible thing is that it was suddenly extremely quiet at that time without any movie sound effects. Numerous people stared at me and burst into laughter...it was so embarrassing!

49 Dinner with a group of friends

One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was so depressed that he drank a lot of beer and then stood up with a red face

Shout

Brother! Not for sale! ! !

I guess I wanted to say that brothers are not for betrayal

At that time, there were more than a dozen people at our table and they all fell down