Give me 50 pure healthy jokes. What makes people laugh must be healthy.

Everyone's jokes are different. I found them one by one on the Internet. Personally, I think they are funny, but not everyone will make you laugh. O(∩_∩)O~, it's hard to adopt me ~ ~

1. The mother bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily, "How many times have I told you that this ring was worn by the Bird Research Station, not a wedding ring! I'm not married! "

I have two bad habits that bother me. The first bad habit is to sleep naked. B: Nothing! What about the second bad habit? A: Sleepwalking.

3.20 years ago, my father held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child, and my father cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Don't cry, big brother, give the monkey a banana!" " ! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "

It's just a gust of wind, but it's so eternal, just a dream, but it's so real. You bowed your head and said nothing, but I couldn't calm down. I finally can't help telling you, let me know the next time you fart!

The headmaster and the English teacher visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Teachers and students!"

English teacher: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher: ... = = "Sweat.

6. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

7. Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery. As a result, he didn't know what he had become. Oh, 4,000 yuan.

8. There is a rich man looking for a servant. The topic of the interview is going to the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands. So the rich sent them away. Only one person washed his hands, so the rich man left him. But one day, the rich man found that he didn't wash his hands when he came out. The rich man asked him why. The servant replied, "I brought toilet paper today ..."

9. The boss and the second child fly, and the second child gets airsick and keeps vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second child said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half of it and throw up."

10 ... Devil: "Princess, you broke your throat, and no one came to save you!" "

Princess: "broken throat!" " "

No one: "Princess! I'm coming to save you! "

Devil: "Damn it."

Ghost: "Who found me?"

Who: "What's it to me?"

The devil is dead! !

1 1. The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, Brother, strangle me! It's fucking horrible. .....

12. Xiao Wang works in the personnel department on the 10 floor. A month ago, he was transferred to the administrative department on the ninth floor ... Today, Xiao Wang called the personnel department to find him: "Is Xiao Wang there?"

The colleague who answered the phone said, "Xiao Wang is no longer in the personnel."

Xiao Wang: "Ah! ? When did this happen? I don't know. I haven't had time to send it to him yet? "

"Never mind, you can find him below."

13. the reporter asked around the champion of the car race: "you won the championship the first time you participated." What do you think? "

The driver shivered and said, "I ... I ... my brakes are broken!" " "

14. On the bus, the old lady is afraid to ask questions every time she stops. As soon as the bus arrived at the station, she kept stabbing the driver with an umbrella: "Is this the convention center?" "No, it's ribs!"

15. One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest. He stepped forward and said, "I'm Liu Hongtao." The foreign guest said, "I'm still a fucking Fang Qi."

16. When the nurse saw the patient drinking in the ward, she went forward and said, "Little darling!" The patient smiled and said, "Little baby."

17. The athlete shot and even missed five shots. The coach said, "Idiot! Look at me! " I voted five times, but I still didn't score. "See? You just voted! "

18. My classmate said: I put too much washing powder. The other asked: What? Your brother has too many wives?

19. In primary school science class, the teacher told us that knocking on the knee would lead to knee jump. When I got home, I took a hammer and hit it on my dad's knee. And my dad stood up and kicked me. It turns out that the teacher is right!

20. The Chinese teacher read aloud as follows. A student dictated the following.

Wo Chun, I'm stupid.

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

2 1. A beautiful woman works the night shift, followed by a man with the same skin color. This beautiful woman is very scared and is passing a cemetery. People of the same color are about to start. The beauty went to a grave and said, "Dad, open the door, I'm back." The frightened man escaped. The beauty smiled proudly for her cleverness, but the laughter did not fall. A gloomy voice came from the grave and said, "Daughter, why did you forget your key again?" Scared the beautiful woman to run away screaming. At this time, a grave robber climbed out of the grave and said, "It affected my work and scared you to death." Suddenly I found an old man carving a tombstone with a chisel in his hand and asked strangely, "What are you doing?" ? The old man said angrily, "These black sheep carved my tombstone wrong and asked them to change it themselves." . Hearing this, the grave robbers ran away in fear. Looking at the back of the grave robber, the old man sneered: "Stealing Lao Zi's business scared me to death." Accidentally, the chisel fell to the ground, and the old man was about to bend down to pick it up, but he saw a hand sticking out of the grass and a cold voice came: "Oh, dare to change my house number." Scared the old man to roll and climb away. A scavenger climbed out of the grass, picked up the chisel on the ground and sighed, "It takes such a great god to pick up a piece of rotten iron these days."

22.

Today, I was watching a DVD, and my mother came in with another book and said, tell me what these words mean.

Mom: What does this "I don't know" mean?

I said, "I don't know."

Mom: I sent you to college for several years. How come you don't know anything !

I said: no! I don't know! !

Mom: Still mouth shut! ! ! ! $@%! #$^&； %#$%@$%@#$%! ^%^! ^%$^#&； .. (a good beating)

Mom: You're telling me this. What does "I know" mean, mean? You should know. Tell me about it.

I said, "I know."

Mom: Tell me if you know.

I said, "I know."

Mom: Are you finding fault? You just cleaned up a little, didn't you?

I said: I know!

Mom: I know you haven't said it yet! ! Don't pretend to understand! & amp*$%^@$#! % $ @% # * $ # $% (another beating)

Mom: Be careful. You spent so much money to send you to college, and now you can't do anything. You can put on airs in front of my mother for a while. Ask you the last one, you can explain it to me. If you can't tell me I'm cleaning you up, you can translate something for me: "I know but I don't want to tell you."

I fainted, picked up a pillow and hit it on my head for more than 30 times, hit my head against the wall for more than 40 times, slapped my mouth with my hands for more than 50 times, and kicked the corner of the table for more than 60 times. When I was bloody, I asked my mother: Are you satisfied now?

So her old man came to ask me again: "Son, what do you mean, I am anonymous, don't fool me?" "

Me: "I'm bored, so leave me alone."

Mom: "looking for a beating, talking to your mother like this" (so I was beaten)

Mom asked again; "I didn't hear anything, repeat. What do you mean? "

I said, "I didn't hear you clearly. Say it again. "

Mother said it again: I didn't hear anything, repeat it.

"I didn't catch that. Say it again. "

The result was tied.

Mom asked again, "What do you think?"

I said, "What did you say?" (beaten again)

Mother asked again, "What do you mean by looking it up in the dictionary?"

I said, "Look it up in the dictionary."

"Look it up in the dictionary. I asked what you were doing." (beaten)

Mother asked again, "you'd better ask some physical conditions." How do you translate it? "

I said, "You'd better ask someone else."

"You are my son, I ask others why, looking for a fight."

"ah! God help me! "

"God help me!"

"Play with your mother, and God won't save you! (beaten)

I ask you again: "Use your brain and think about it. What does that mean?" "

I said, "Use your head and think again."

"Son of a bitch, don't you dare hit me" and then do it.

I quickly said, "It means that only mothers are good in the world."

"Well, that's more like it. I'll make you something to eat later and ask you tomorrow. " ...

Mom, give me a break ... #% * #% * #% * # * # *

23. What if mosquitoes are caught alive in summer?

& gt 1. Of course we should raise him.

& gt send him to school.

& gt3. Buy him a house.

& gt4. Help him get a wife.

& gt5. Show him the baby.

& gt

& gt What else can you do?

& gt After all, it's your blood flowing on it! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

24. The wind is raining. The final exam is empty. I'm usually too carefree. I complain as soon as I take an exam. I'm sorry that Qin Huang Hanwu didn't see it. The ancestors of Tang Zongsong beat their chests and feet, and tears filled their eyes. A generation of arrogant people scolded them and humiliated them. How can they be trendy when they walk out of school?

25. The teacher called a classmate to answer the question. This classmate is in a daze and can't speak. The teacher said, is that okay? You won't let me know! This classmate: cheep!

26. A junior high school student's English notes: the bus father died, yes, the grandfather died, the girl's brother died, the little sister died, and the school died.

27. The zoo feeds the bears every Wednesday morning 10. You are welcome to bring your children.

28. Americans, British, China and Japanese discuss their own military affairs together.

The Japanese said, "We advocate Bushido and are not afraid of sacrifice. I dare you to test your marksmanship with an apple on your head. "

It was he who put an apple on his head.

The American turned and walked back 20 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:

"I'm Hunter."

The Japanese put another apple on his head.

The Englishman turned and walked back 50 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:

"I am Boone (Bond)."

The Japanese put a small apple on their heads.

China people turned and took three steps back, then turned and shot, and their heads were blown off. He proudly said:

"I'm sorry."

29.

A man knocked down a strange old man on a motorcycle in downtown!

That man was scared out of his wits! More and more people are watching!

Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and cried in tears: "Dad, wait for me, I'll find a doctor for you!" " "

After that, he ran away . .

The old man struggled and shouted angrily, "Come back here!" "

Everyone expressed their feelings: "This son is really filial!"

30.

A child stood by the blacksmith's shop and watched the blacksmith strike while the iron was hot! The blacksmith hated her a little, so he took out the red-hot iron and put it in front of the child to scare him!

The child winked and said, "If you give me a dollar, I will lick it!" " "

Hearing this, the blacksmith immediately took out a dollar and gave it to the little girl!

The child took the money, licked it with his tongue, put it in his pocket and left. ...

3 1.

There is a couple whose husband is very stingy!

One morning, the husband woke up to find his wife dead in bed.

He jumped up quickly, looked pale and stumbled down the stairs, shouting, "maid!" " Maid! "

The maid replied, "Sir! What is it? "

The husband shouted, "boiling an egg for breakfast is enough!" "

32. In Chinese class, the teacher asked the students to make sentences with the newly-learned idioms "pull a long face" and "smile". Doudou replied: "When I get paid every month, my father always gives money to my mother with a sad face, and my mother counts it with a smile."

A boy has a crush on a girl for a long time. One day in the self-study class, the boy finally got up the courage to write a note to the girl, which read: In fact, I have been paying attention to you for a long time. After a while, the note came back, which read: Please don't tell the teacher, I promise I will never eat melon seeds in class again!

34. A man and a woman must sleep in the same room at night. The woman drew a line to warn the man that it was animals that crossed the line!

The next day, the woman found that the man really didn't cross the line and immediately slapped the man: I didn't expect you to be worse than an animal!

35. A man who didn't know the inside story came to the toilet and squatted down anywhere by the door.

What should I do if I find no paper after defecation?

He saw a water pipe in front of the door and thought, handle it with your hands and wash your hands.

He wiped off the dirt with his right hand and turned on the tap with his left hand, but there was no water in the pipe at all.

He became angry from embarrassment and slapped the tap hard with his right hand. The water didn't come out, but the severe pain made him put his hand into his mouth. It's the right hand

36. In the casino, a lady didn't know which number to bet in front of the roulette machine. She had no choice but to ask a handsome boy next to her. The man offered advice and said, "You should choose according to your age."

The lady bit her lip for a moment and put 1000 yuan on "24". The ball on the table began to roll and finally stopped at "32". The lady fainted with a scream when she saw it.

One day, an elephant in the zoo suddenly died. The keeper came and immediately threw himself on the elephant and cried. Seeing this scene, the tourists were deeply moved and said, "The affection between this keeper and this elephant is too deep." Unexpectedly, someone interjected: "There is a rule in this zoo that if an animal raised by someone dies, then the grave of this animal must be dug by the keeper." How can he not cry? "

38. I saw from the magazine whether my girlfriend was a rotten woman and asked her what the antonym of' attack' was. If she answers' defense', it means normal. If she answers' suffering', she is obviously a rotten woman.

One day I suddenly remembered and asked her, "What is the antonym of' attack'?"

She replied, "Mom!"

It seems that I didn't express myself clearly, so I went on to say, "No, it's an attack."

She said, "Yes, the mother of the hen!" " "

Her answer proved that the dog sample test was completely unreliable. ...

39. There is a pig in my classmate's house that is a breeding pig. This pig is very capable and makes a lot of money for their family. However, my classmate is a master eater and doesn't care about things. He doesn't spend enough money to do any work.

One day we were all chatting in their yard, and an aunt came, holding a sow, and said, "Match a match for our pig."

My classmate replied with special courtesy and embarrassment: My dad is not at home today!

40. China students have an accident on a foreign highway.

Even people and cars jumped off the cliff,

After the traffic police arrived, they shouted down:

"How are you?"

International students answer:

"I'm fine (Fan), thank you!"

Then the traffic police left and the overseas students died.

4 1. In geometry class, after the teacher finished drawing, he drew a P point in the circle and told us loudly, "Look, I drew a P in the circle!"

42. Teacher: Everyone should learn from Mingming, remember the teacher's lessons well, and go home to review at night.

Mingming: No, I haven't been able to sleep recently. I fell asleep as soon as I listened to your class.

43. The sun shines in the sky, flowers smile at me, and birds say early. Why are you carrying explosives? I went to bomb the school, and the principal didn't know. I ran away as soon as I pulled the rope, and the school was blown up with a bang!

44. When I was a child, there was a little squirrel, which was very cute and always ran around in the circle. Suddenly one day, he stopped running, and I was very sad, so I took it to a nearby mountain and buried it. Later, in primary school, science class, the teacher said: squirrels are hibernating animals.

45. My two-year-old daughter went back to her grandmother's house for the New Year, and there was no toilet, so I took a shit for her in the yard.

As soon as I pulled it out, the dog came to add it.

My daughter asked me, "What is the dog doing?"

Me: "Eat Baba."

Daughter: "Mom, let the dog save some for me ..."

46. In Chinese class, the teacher asked, "Sometimes quantifiers can't be omitted casually. Can anyone give an example? "

Xiao Qiang immediately replied, "For example,' He gave me a gun'. If the quantifier' zhi' is omitted, my fate will be different! "

47. Music teacher: "I will teach you to play the six sounds 123456 from the violin practice class. Do you know what notes to play today? "

Student: "Yes, I have diarrhea today."

48. Today, a friend came to play at home and bought two big watermelons.

My son wants to eat, but he is embarrassed to say. He turned around twice and asked me, mom, is this watermelon for viewing?

49. Tell children about Journey to the West: the Monkey King hit the monster with a stick, and the monster returned to its original shape. .......

The child hurriedly shouted: Why don't you call back to the square? !

50. One day, the geography teacher asked the students, where does this river go?

A student suddenly stood up and sang: The river flows eastward.

The teacher ignored him and then said, how many stars are there in the sky?

That classmate sang again: the stars in the sky can participate in Beidou.

The teacher is short of breath: get out!

Student: Just leave.

The teacher said helplessly, are you sick?

Student: You have everything I have!

Teacher: Try again … ..

Student: shout when you see an uneven road!

Teacher: Do you believe I hit you?

Student: Do it when you should ...

The teacher was angry: I told you to drop out of school!

Student: Rush into Kyushu!

It's hard to find healthy and funny jokes in this age, please adopt them ~ ~