University comedy

Confucius was the first person in the world to open a cram school. He not only taught all classes, but also enjoyed tuition.

There are also provisions for welfare:

30 dollars to stand until 30: 30 dollars to stand and listen to the class;

40 dollars and 40 dollars are not confused: you can ask questions until you have no questions;

$50 50 knowing the destiny: paying 50 knowing the quiz proposition for tomorrow;

Sixty dollars: If you can afford this price, the teacher can tell you something you like.

Easy to hear;

It's up to you to lie down, sit or come to class.

Two Tars

A sailor on a destroyer and a sailor working in a submarine are chatting.

The sailor on the destroyer said, "People on our ship call your submarine' Sea Rat'".

Laugh when you finish.

The sailor on the submarine replied, "Everyone on our ship calls your warship a' target'."

surrender

"You played cards last night and didn't come home until midnight. What did you say to your wife? "

"I said,' Today' ..."

"Why did you only say two words?"

"ah! The following is what she said. "

The secret of longevity

A citizen just celebrated his centenary birthday when a reporter came to interview him.

"What do you think kept you alive for so long?" The reporter asked.

The old man wanted to think, knocked the table with his hand and said matter-of-factly:

"I never smoke or drink, I never overeat, and I always get up at six in the morning."

"But," the reporter objected, "I have an uncle who, like you, only lived for five years.

Ten years old. this

Why? "

"He won't last long." The old man answered calmly.

Tell on the chicken soul

A teacher invited a guest, killed a chicken, cooked a pot of radish and invited more than 20 students to dinner.

The chicken's soul was very depressed and complained to Yan, "My master is so stingy! It is common to kill chickens and treat guests.

But a chicken shouldn't invite more than 20 guests to dinner. "

The prince didn't believe it, and the chicken said, "Radish can testify."

The prince brought radishes for interrogation.

The radish said, "You are really dishonest. The host treated me that day, and I was the only one in the soup pot, even the chicken. "

The obstacles did not cast a shadow "

complain

There were quarrels from the registration office of the nursing home. It turned out that the registrar and two old people were quarrelling.

One of the old people pointed to an old man next to him and said to the registrar, "He can go to a nursing home. I "

Why can't I go in? "

The registrar said, "According to the regulations, nursing homes generally only accept elderly people without children. He has no children. When?

But you can go in. You have a son. I'm afraid it's not appropriate to go in. "

Hearing this, the old man became even angrier. Pointing to the old man next to him, he shouted loudly, "Yes, I have a son!

But he is my son! "

Professional instinct

A salesgirl in a department store fell in love for the first time and kissed her boyfriend for the first time.

"Do you want anything else?" He asked frantically.

Catch a boat

A young man rushed down the dock and jumped on the ferry three feet offshore, saying that he had finally caught up.

This ship! "The person next to him said with a smile," Our ship is docking! "

Not my dog.

Next to a slow farmer, stood a very fierce dog.

The stranger asked him, "Does your dog bite?"

The countryman said, "No!"

As soon as the voice fell, the dog suddenly bit the stranger.

The stranger said angrily, "didn't you say your dog doesn't bite?"

Country man: "That's not my dog."

sense of humor

The wife asked her husband, "Do you like my tenderness and loveliness or my cleverness and beauty?"

The husband replied, "I like your sense of humor!" " "

It's been a long time.

One day, the pediatric operating room was vacant. So an elderly emergency patient was transferred. When the knife is finished |

When pushing out of the operating room. An unsuspecting doctor happened to pass by, saw this situation and said, "This knife has been open for a long time!" " !

second language

A family is full of mice, and specially found a cat from other places, claiming to be the most powerful cat in the world. Sure enough, the effect is remarkable! !

With the decrease of companions, the mice were deeply disturbed. They kept discussing countermeasures, but they still fell into the cat's mouth one by one. ....

In the end, there were only two mice left. Mouse a said to mouse b: you sneak out while he is sleeping, and call me out if nothing happens. ...

Mouse B obediently went out, but before long, a small voice came from outside the cave ... "It's all right, come out quickly! ! "

Rat armor crept out, but as soon as it stepped out of the hole, it was caught by a big palm. I saw the cat thief say, now

Do you know the importance of a second language now? ........

copilot

The attendant of the airport tower heard a helicopter pilot report: "Hello, I have positioned the plane above the shaft 1000 meters!" " "

At this moment, there came an angry voice: "How is it possible! That's exactly where I want to stay! "

For a long time, the control tower was very nervous. Then, the roar of the original driver came from the microphone: "Idiot, you are my co-pilot!" " "

Crazy growth

A male crab met a female crab So he proposed to her. The female crab found the male crab walking straight.

Instead of running wild like ordinary crabs. She thought the male crab was very distinctive and married him at once.

Woke up the next morning, the mother crab found that her groom was no different from other crabs and was very rampant, so

Asked angrily, "what's the matter? You didn't walk like this before you got married. "

"Honey," replied the male crab, "I can't drink that much every day!"

Foreigners' jokes

Foreigners are very inky. One day at Beijing Language and Culture Institute, I heard a foreigner talking to a chicken seller.

China people said, "Grandpa, please give me that hen without hair and sweater." .

Queue training

Shortly after a group of recruits joined the army, during a queue training, the instructor kept shouting the password: "Here!

Turn left, turn right, turn back ... "

Then a recruit came out of the queue. The officer hurriedly asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to have a rest, and I'll come back when you decide which direction we should turn."

miracle

Party A and Party B are arguing about whether there are miracles in the world.

A: If someone falls from the third floor and is still safe, what is it, not a miracle?

That's luck.

A: What if that person falls down again and is not hurt?

That's a lucky star.

A: What if I fall down again?

B: Oh! That is well trained!

The cause of death of dogs

The watchdog died and ate his own poisoned meat when he dissected it. The shopkeeper is puzzled.

This kind of poisonous meat is used to poison the wild cats who steal food and put them in the barn, while the dogs are always tied to the gate.

How can you eat poisonous meat?

Out of the gate, there are several poisoned wild cats not far away. The host was always puzzled and told the neighbors about it.

The neighbor said, "I don't understand this. Obviously, the dog died of kickbacks. "

Depth analysis

A salesman is selling his folding comb. In order to reassure onlookers.

He pinched the ends of the comb with a grain of salt to bend it. Suddenly snapped, the pusher only

Can be stunned to see two pieces of plastic in his hand.

Finally, he held them high and said to the onlookers, "Ladies, first."

Attention, class. This is the internal structure of this soft comb. "

Dog-loving obligation

A dog lover took his favorite puppy on a trip. One day on a yacht, the puppy suddenly

However, when he fell into the water, the passengers asked the captain to stop the boat and salvage the puppy.

The captain explained that we shouldn't waste everyone's time because a dog stopped the boat, because that's not the case.

As important as saving lives.

Hearing this, the passenger jumped into the water and shouted for help. When the captain saw this scene, there was nothing.

Nye had to stop getting off the boat to salvage and rescue him and the puppy.

A husband who is a doctor often boasts about his medical skills in front of his wife. "I know you are a very successful person.

Doctor, there is nothing wrong with the patient. You can tell him what's wrong with him. "The wife said to her husband."

"Nothing," the husband looked proud. My success is because I am an expert. I can train patients.

I got sick in my clinic. "

Patient: "I have seen many doctors and spent almost all my property." Doctor: "Hey.

Oh, how unfortunate I am! Why didn't you come to me before? "

The mother introduced four objects to her daughter successively, and her daughter was not satisfied. Mother couldn't hold it any longer, so she asked:

"What kind of object can be called a heart?" My daughter blushed and said, "I want to find someone who speaks the same language."

People. Mother was puzzled: "honey, they are not foreigners, aren't you afraid to listen?"

Do you understand what they say? "

"The salespeople here talk strangely and are not enthusiastic at all!" "This may be related to the environment.

Relationship. ""what? "

"Because this is an underground shopping mall.

Do you know when you are drunk, sir?

Yes, I hear my wife scold me every time.

Late at night, a drunken tourist returned to the hotel. After a long time, he shouted discontentedly, "Hey! service

Clerk, is your elevator broken? "

"Sir, the elevator is still working normally, except that you entered the telephone room."

Find an umbrella.

A man ran into a restaurant in a panic: "Excuse me, I finished lunch here yesterday, didn't I?"

Did you leave an umbrella behind? ""what kind? " The waiter can ask anything, I this.

People are not particular. "

partner

Before the criminal was caught, those who cooperated with him in breaking the law were called accomplices.

After the criminal is caught, the person who cooperates with him in breaking the law is called a lawyer.

Favorite color

There is a girl who just got her driver's license and is on the road for the first time. As a result, her car was in a red car.

Turn off at the green light. Because it's a one-way street, there are more and more cars coming from behind, but they never hit it.

The traffic lights changed from yellow to red again. The more cars there are, the more nervous the girls are, and the less they can get a taxi. red

The green light changed from green to yellow and then to red. Then a policeman came to the girl's car.

And kindly said, "Miss, haven't you waited for your favorite color?"

Chinese restaurant

Most of the early immigrants from China to the west coast of the United States were students who operated China restaurants.

Meaning, the family division of labor cooperation, dad tube cashier, son tube mother.

Cooking, the family is also happy.

One day, a foreigner entered a restaurant in China for the first time. He was not familiar with the method of ordering food.

Seeing that guests come alone and it is inconvenient to order, they recommend beef from foreigners.

Shouted to his son, "A bowl of beef noodles."

Soon noodles will be served, and foreigners are used to eating raw and cold food.

I noticed that the oil on the noodle soup covered the steam and accidentally burned my mouth and knocked it over.

Bowl, mom heard it in the kitchen and asked, "What is it?" The son quickly took it.

The rag came forward to clean up and answered, "The bowl is broken!" Foreigners hear "∈ a D"

Ollar took out a dollar bill in the kitchen to compensate his mother and asked, "Who called?

what's up The foreigner heard "three dollars" again and quickly made up three dollars.

Dad leaned over and said, "He did it! As soon as foreigners listen, they rise to "∈ 10 D"

Ollar was afraid of leaving a 10 dollar bill and ran out of the door, leaving the family behind.

Clear the situation.

The way men think.

High flyers Miller, an agricultural major in a university, returned to her hometown in the summer vacation, the wife of her neighbor.

Too eager to raise chickens to get rich, I came to ask him. According to the lady, Miller provided chicken coops and chicken food.

All kinds of data, tell her that it is more appropriate to raise about 30 hens and one or two cocks. summer vacation

Finally, Miller wanted to see how his "idea" was realized. But he's in the henhouse.

I saw it before. There are 30 hens and 30 big cocks in it. "madam,

To raise 30 hens, only one or two cocks are enough. There are too many the rooster lay eggs,

Instead, it wastes food. ""You mean, let one or two cocks keep so many hens? "adjacent

Mrs. Zhu blushed and said. "yes." "This is just your man's way of thinking, I won't do that.

! "

Guo Ru

If Columbus had a wife at home, could he still discover America? She would say:

"Where are you going? Go with who? Find what? What time are you coming back? I saw yours.

You'll get nothing on this voyage! "

Act together

A thief sneaked into Juha's house to steal. Juha didn't make a sound, but he saw it clearly.

As soon as the thief went out with his bag on his back, Zhu Ha immediately took a few things and chased him out.

Along the way, Zhu Ha followed the thief, turned left and right, and finally arrived at his house. The thief saw it.

Zhu ha gave a cry and asked strangely, "old man, why did you come in?" "Zhu ha replied," cough! I

Didn't the children move home together? I hope you will take care of me more in the future! "