The full text of "Double Body" by Guo Jingming! ! !

Text: Guo Jingming

April. The sunshine is getting longer day by day.

The sun cast shadows of hands on the wall. The years passed slowly.

They say March is the most beautiful day of the year. Green gradually softens every edge of the world.

So, in this season of every year, I like to wander on the street with my hands in my pockets, watching the people coming and going, and my heart is filled with a humble sense of happiness.

Xiao Si, one day, you will definitely feel that life is really good.

To: Nineteen-year-old Xiaosi

When you received this letter from me, you should have just returned to your place of residence after finishing your evening self-study. If I remember correctly, it was a five-story building on the side of a narrow road. It has an old appearance, red brick walls, and ivy vines covering the entire south-facing wall. You should open the mailbox downstairs, holding your schoolbag in your left hand and a can of iced Coke in your right hand, then bite the envelope in your mouth and go upstairs quickly.

It’s March again. I also forgot how many March I spent in Shanghai.

Spring always comes quickly in Shanghai. It's like it was snowing a few days ago, and in a blink of an eye, you can lie on the grass and bask in the sun wearing a thin sweater and jeans. You should also like days like this. I remember that you used to sometimes skip boring math classes with your friends, and then lie down on the green space by the lake in school and watch the sky. Some silly questions at that time, such as "What will I be doing three years from now?" or "My future ideal is..." are just like the green grass back then, filled with childish and beautiful thoughts. vitality.

It has not been stained by this world and has mottled noise.

At that time, you were always betting with your friends on whether the person playing the piano in the piano classroom was a boy or a girl. Such trivial and inconsequential problems can become very important things in life, which is something you can't imagine a few years later.

I dreamed of you last night.

In the dream, the city was flooded. Countless large and small water flows over the surface of the city. All the people fled in a hurry under the pouring rain. I'm sitting in a roadside cafe near the floor-to-ceiling windows waiting for you. Lightning outside the window sometimes illuminates the dark night.

The ground reflected light like a mirror.

Then I saw you. Getting off a bus. What's interesting is that after you got off the bus, you still stood on the side of the road dripping wet, bowing towards the bus as it went away, looking polite and ridiculous at the same time.

You looked very nervous when you sat across from me, with water dripping from your wet hair. You brushed your wet hair randomly. I can't see your expression clearly, and I don't know if you can recognize me.

You drink the water carefully. Then looked around the cafe.

Then you said: Excuse me...

I turned over and opened the curtains. Outside the window is the thick night.

In such a sleeping world, most people are asleep and few are awake. What are those people who are awake thinking with their eyes open?

That’s ridiculous. Now I often get dressed at three o'clock in the middle of the night and walk across the entire neighborhood to buy groceries at the 24-hour supermarket at the gate. Sometimes it’s a few cups of yogurt, sometimes it’s a bento, and sometimes I’ll even be bored and buy an expired newspaper that day. Depressed but also full of interest. Along the way, you can hear the artificial sounds of insects, frogs, and running water.

But, Xiaosi. You have to know that none of this is true. The sounds come from artificial electronic speakers hidden in the grass. Just like we can rely on sedatives to get tranquility, alcohol to create excitement, and sleeping pills to create sleep. However, these are not life itself, they are illusions created by humans using chemical substances.

So one of my friends said to me that day, you are living in real illusions most of the time now. At that time, I thought he was pitying me, but he immediately added: "I envy you, I'm so happy.

”

Xiaosi, you know, because of this, I gradually lose my judgment on life today. The boundaries of happiness are blurred, leaving only a furry outline. So I can’t feel the pain.

When you live a life that is envied by more and more people, you will gradually hint to yourself: nothing is intolerable.

When you live. In the environment of being envied, you lose the right to complain.

After shopping, I slowly walked back to the street lights in the community. One meter. Then I will move forward repeatedly in darkness, light, and darkness.

It is like the life full of metaphors that each of us is walking in.

Afterwards, I discovered. In such a quiet and dark environment, people's mood will become particularly clear and transparent. Many things that they could not figure out before can be figured out at this time, and the moment they figure it out, they feel suddenly relaxed. , or huge depression.

I don’t know if you understand this, because I have forgotten whether you spent so many days walking alone in the dark. p>

When I finished writing this letter, it was bright again.

Sender: Unknown

To: Sender unknown

I was surprised to receive your letter, because I don’t know who you are, but it feels like you know a lot about me.

Just like the beginning of your letter, I just finished it. I was studying in the evening, and then I saw your letter in the mailbox downstairs. You even guessed that I would habitually hold the envelope in my mouth because I was holding a Coke.

I don’t. I'm good at writing letters, so I don't know what to say to you in the letter.

My life is very good now, but there are too many homeworks every day that make my scalp numb every day. There are a lot of printed test papers that smell like fresh ink. The thick test paper holders need to be replaced almost every ten days. I have almost seventeen test paper holders on my bookshelf. Fortunately, they are cheap. I bought them at the school gate for two yuan each.

I like white, so I chose transparent white for these seventeen test paper holders when I saw them neatly placed on the bookshelf. , although I will be secretly surprised, but I will also have a sense of accomplishment mixed with bitterness.

I have even had some poetic associations, feeling that my best youth years. It is recorded on these test papers that smell of ink, page by page, that promote the progress of life. In the complex equations, in the virtual tense, and in the auxiliary lines of solid geometry, I change day by day. Become a different adult from yesterday.

Sir, when I wrote these two words, I felt that my mind went blank for a moment. It’s also very annoying. I have to get up at six o’clock every morning. Although I am in my senior year of high school, I don’t need to go for a morning run that is like hell on earth. But the morning self-study at 6:30 every day is still unstoppable.

Every day it’s like I just lay down, turn over, close my eyes for a while, and then the alarm clock goes off. The sky outside turned a light purple gray, then turned blue, then orange, and finally red clouds burned from the sky. Outside the window, there was the sound of many pigeons flapping their wings and flying towards the sky.

Seeing that you can't fall asleep in the middle of the night, I don't know how to comfort you.

I have never been out so late in the night. But sometimes after evening self-study get out of class, I would go to the playground and run two laps slowly. The grass beside the school track grows like crazy every summer. In the night wind, there is a strong smell of grass juice. Street lights surrounding the track divide the playground into different light and dark areas. It's just that I don't have as many associations as you do. When I saw you comparing the process of alternating light and dark to our difficult life, I suddenly admired you.

Sender: Xiaosi

May. The sun's rays stirred heat on the skin.

The face gradually turned red in the confrontation with the sky. Mixed with tears. The ideal trajectory is blurred.

Those flying over are young ashes.

And endless psalms of praise in youth.

Xiao Si, one day, you will become very brave, brave enough to listen to those roars in the wind as a variation of your praise.

To: Nineteen-year-old Xiaosi

I spent a very special day.

During this whole day, I didn’t talk to anyone or interact with anyone. I spent twenty-four hours alone.

When I woke up in the afternoon, the sky was very gray and there was a lot of water vapor floating in the air.

The air conditioner hummed overhead, and a lot of condensation condensed on the glass windows.

I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face quietly, got dressed and sat in the living room in a daze. Various characters on TV are making trouble, hosts are talking endlessly, celebrities are smiling falsely, stocks have risen so much today, and housing prices have fallen to the bottom yesterday. In the entertainment version, who made the headlines again, and who won the first place at the box office. I looked at the buzzing TV and felt that the world was so noisy.

But Xiaosi, this world is very noisy. So, many times, we have to choose to listen to what we want to hear. There are fewer and fewer people in this world who are willing to listen to us. So, when you are young, you can talk as much as you want, and when you grow up and you want to talk, you can talk to yourself. Or if you really don’t want to say it, just keep it in your heart.

No matter what, don’t be like me now, saying all kinds of nice things while bleeding ugly blood in your heart.

Night falls quickly in the evening.

I changed into a hooded sweatshirt and went out. It started raining after only a few steps.

Xiaosi, I remember that you used to like rainy weather very much. You always stood under the rainy eaves and looked at the world of heavy rain outside the eaves: the sky where the birds disappeared, and the fleeing birds disappeared. The crowd left behind clean ground, splashing water, flowing water, girls running with their skirts in their hands, and boys playing alone under the basketball hoop, all soaked by the rain. You wrote in your diary that when it rains, the world becomes quiet. All life seemed to sink to the bottom of the lake together.

But every time it rains, I feel very bad. Because when I see the rain on everyone's face, it looks like tears; when I see every person running, I feel like they are fleeing; when I see the dark sky, I feel like it's the end of the world. I don’t know when this dark psychology began to grow in my heart. And when I finally discovered them one day, they were already towering trees that could not be shaken.

Those dense forests growing in the heart cannot let the sun shine in, and the moss covers the black soil.

I also forgot exactly when, stubborn and stubborn, I just packed my small bag and walked towards the dark forest.

At that moment, I even felt slightly that I would never come out of the forest again.

There are very few pedestrians on the street, and the wet ground reflects the dazzling neon light, like dirty oil paint melted all over the ground.

I had dinner at a sushi restaurant on the roadside. The store was deserted, with few customers. The white light illuminated the lobby very brightly, and it was also very cold.

I decided to go home around twelve o'clock. On the way home, I passed by a large arcade arcade. I went in and played for two hours.

I was almost the only one in the entire three-story arcade city.

I suddenly felt like a great king. Whether I was shooting at the fighter planes roaring from the sky, fighting with the dinosaurs in the jungle, or challenging the zombies in the castle, I always felt like a great king. Feel like an amazing hero.

Xiao Si, I suddenly remembered your favorite band "Catcher in the Rye" when you were nineteen years old. The lyrics in their song "Hero" were like me wandering alone in the video game in the early morning. Prelude to the city:

"Suddenly, thunder roared, and suddenly heavy rain fell.

"Blurred the sword in my hand and drowned my armor.

“The rain in the dream kept falling, half cold and half transparent.

“Like that day, like a dream, my hero kept crying. Suddenly, I turned around and fell asleep, unable to wake up again. ”

Xiaosi, only when there is no one around you can you see the truest self. But... you won’t like yourself like this. Because in such a lonely world Here, all your disguises, all your performances, all your masks are falling apart because of your confrontation with yourself.

What is left is only what you have been unwilling to admit. Facing the cowardly and sad self.

You are the only one who can show your sadness to him.

Because I forgot who said it. After all, sadness is just a dagger stuck in the heart. If you pull it out and show it to others, it will only splatter others with blood.

Sender: Ominous

TO: Send. Ominous person

When I saw the special day you told me in your letter, I felt very envious of you.

I am now in front of a large group of people every day. They are many thick reference books. The textbooks have long been thrown away, leaving only endless reference books with various covers, with all kinds of weird slogans on them, such as "Easy to Peking University, leisure to Tsinghua" And so on, I think this is the only book that dares to print such a huge lie on the cover and still has people willing to buy it.

My classmates jokingly said that the reference book is China's only currency. The most popular printed matter outside the window.

I often look at the blue sky outside the window and get distracted during class, during breaks, and even during exams. Sometimes, I feel a slight melancholy in my heart. It’s hard for me to describe that kind of trance, but I always think of the sentence “The sky is at the four corners above my head. ”

You said you live in Shanghai, which is a city I like. Last year I went to Shanghai for a competition and stayed there for two or three days. It was also raining. The rain in winter always brings... In the biting cold.

There is a street whose name I forgot, but I only remember that it was lined with tall plane trees. The night before the game, I walked to this street because I couldn't sleep. Shopping at the 24-hour convenience store. On the way back, the ground was dimly lit by the rain, and countless butterfly-like fallen leaves rolled past my feet, rolling toward the end of the darkness ahead.

That moment. The scene made me feel that Shanghai is a sad city. I still feel that way until now.

I have always wanted to walk that street again, and I don’t know if I can. There is no chance to go to Shanghai.

If I can go to Shanghai again in this life, I hope I can find you. Although I don’t know who you are and what kind of life you live, I don’t know myself either. What kind of opportunities will there be in the future?

I don’t know if you have ever seen a movie called "Everything About Lily Zhou". There are also some versions called "The Cardamom Years" or "The Story of Youth". . I fall asleep listening to the soundtrack of this movie every night. In my dreams, I still see the huge wheat field, which changes from green to yellow to desolate, just like the days of our youth. They are all desolate.

What is there outside the blue sky? Is it our ugly selves?

I suddenly remembered In the letter you wrote to me before, you said that we are all living in illusions of one kind or another.

Hasumi Yuichi and Hoshino Shuzhu in the movie are probably each other’s illusions. Lily Zhou is everyone's illusion.

I couldn't help but think of the song Wang Fei sang. She said, "Every idol is just like that. The idols who have been obsessed with it disappear one by one." p>

Is it true that one day we will smash our idols and strangle our beliefs with our own hands?

Isn’t this a terrible thing?

Sender: Xiaosi

June.

The sun scorches the summer river.

The overflow of sunlight causes disaster. The wheat fields fall in the direction of the wind. There are traces of wheels running over it.

The rainbow returns into the soil. The sky is lonely and becomes a long-lasting song.

Traveling through the vast summer. Usher in the rainy years.

Xiao Si, you have to believe that a gentle person will one day become the most powerful person because of his gentleness. People will no longer hate him because of his tenderness.

TO: Nineteen-year-old Xiaosi

Xiaosi. I know you love the movie All About Lily Chow. Because I started to like it when you were that age, and I still like it very much until now.

I even play that original movie disc every day when I write. The habits I have had for so many years cannot be changed.

Those repetitive, undulating, and rotating piano sounds are like blood being injected from the eardrums to the heart. It's like reversing the poles of a battery and charging it rapidly.

Xiaosi, regarding your beliefs and your idols, no matter what, please believe in them. Whether it's something you liked before or something you still like. Because these people called "idols", they all continue to work hard for those who like them and never give up. Only your likes can give them the strength to compete. If they have brought you happiness, courage, and good times in your life, then please do not give up on them easily. Because of this feeling of being abandoned, I have tried it before and don’t want more people to taste it.

When you give up on them, it’s like giving up on the stubborn self you once were.

There is a scene at Faye Wong’s “Full Body” concert in Japan that I will always remember. With her eyes closed and her hair blowing in the wind, she sang:

“The light that cannot be extinguished, try to burn yourself.

Please look at my beautiful persistence,

Don’t forget me, don’t forget me.”

Her last two sentences were like a plea, which almost made me cry.

For me, as long as it is someone I have admired and believed in, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how many things have happened, even if they have been forgotten, betrayed, or laughed at after growing up, I used to be young and ignorant, but as long as I think of the deep traces he or she left in my life, and those days under his or her light, then, the ugly and cruel words will no longer matter. Nothing can be said.

Don’t forget me, don’t forget me.

I am raising a dog now. I call it Derpy. Everywhere I go, Xiaodai will follow me. When I stop, Xiaodai will sit at my feet. I was standing in front of the sink brushing my teeth, and Derpy was sleeping on my feet. I closed the door and it fell asleep right in front of my door. ——If one day, you are relied on by others with all their strength, you will also feel proud because you have finally become someone else's "reliance". Then, those things that are difficult to get over will have more courage to face them, and it will become easier to get over them.

Xiaosi, when I was your age, I always felt that the world did not match my imagination, and I felt sad, sad, and depressed because of this. Later I understood that this world actually does not conform to everyone’s imagination. It is precisely because of this that it can be called “the world” so coldly.

My favorite writer Cai Kangyong said: Only when we cry do we know that this is sadness; only when we fall do we know that this is pain; only when we love do we know that this is love.

Xiaosi, at your age, he had not yet become very popular in mainland China. But I believe that one day, you will like his books.

I also hope that you will use your strength to perceive this seemingly cold world as he said. Because only when you experience it personally can you develop your love for this world.

Or hate.

Otherwise, all feelings will become cheap and unreal.

Sender: Ominous

TO: Sender: Ominous

I think I finally know who you are.

It’s already June, I hope you have a happy birthday.

I will try my best to feel the world as you said. Then love it. Or hate it.

I think I will meet you one day, just like meeting the person behind the mirror, at the end of the world.

Another self.

Sender: Xiaosi

Attachment: Double life is a phenomenon in psychology, which refers to seeing oneself in real life. People who have doppelg?ngers often have serious mental illnesses and will end up dead.