My son is a sophomore. He said he was under a lot of pressure. How can I help him decompress?

Your child is very motivated, and I quite agree with your ideas and practices.

Most students are not stressed enough. Your son has put too much pressure on himself, so don't worry too much. Excellent people are always demanding of themselves.

Give two * * * study together (I am the parents of senior three students)

Li Kaifu's Four Suggestions to Parents

I wrote a letter to my daughter when I sent her to college this year. Later, this letter was published on my blog, which caused great repercussions. Many people ask me why I like writing letters. I think writing letters is a good mode, which can convey my thoughts more clearly than writing or telephone, and letters can be kept for a long time and revisited constantly. My father used to write to me, but now there are fifty or sixty letters in my study. Every few years, I will take it out and read it, which is very precious. Although today is the era of e-mail and telephone, writing letters to convey some thoughtful ideas is a very good channel for children to leave precious memories forever.

At first, the letter to my daughter just felt that I had too much to say to her, but later I decided to publish it on my blog, because I thought students and parents in China might be inspired by reading this letter. In addition to those suggestions for my daughter, I also summed up four suggestions to share with you based on my feelings of being a parent for more than ten years and a parent for more than forty years.

First, praise more and criticize less; More encouragement and less punishment.

Children who grow up in criticism feel guilty about blaming others for punishing the grown-up children.

Praise the grown-up children, know how to be grateful and recognize the grown-up children, and like yourself.

In my letter to my daughter, I described the relationship between father and daughter from her birth to college without reservation. This kind of positive emotional communication and expression is a kind of recognition and encouragement for children, and parents should also hold this attitude when children grow up. However, many parents, including myself, can't help educating their children by punishment, criticism and even threats and intimidation.

If a child grows up in a critical environment, he may subtly solve communication problems with a critical attitude; Children will be punished or threatened if they don't do well, so they have to suppress their fears and deny their feelings in exchange for their parents' approval. Under this kind of discipline, children may be obedient, but they also lack self-confidence, their curiosity is suppressed, they cannot understand other people's emotions, and there are many emotional defects and problems.

Younger children can be punished appropriately, especially when it comes to morality or responsibility, but one thing must not be punished, that is, failure. In the process of people's growth, they learn the most from failures. If children are told from an early age that failure is shameful, they may not admit failure, or hide their failure, or even act in bad faith, instead of reviewing, learning and growing from failure.

Relatively speaking, we should give children more encouragement and affirmation. 1 1 When I first arrived in the United States, I didn't speak English, and there was almost nothing worthy of praise, but the principal sacrificed lunch time to make up for it. Once, the math teacher asked me what 1/7 was, and I quickly recited the previous answer. Both teachers and classmates praised me as a mathematical genius. Although I am not a math genius, I am full of confidence with such encouragement. This is the characteristic of American education, which encourages advantages rather than criticizes disadvantages. At that time, I was good at math, but American history was poor. My teacher didn't hurt me because of it. She knew my English was not good, and even allowed me to take the test paper home and look it up in the dictionary. I believe I won't steal books. This kind of trust and encouragement, on the contrary, inspired my determination to learn this course well, gave me the courage to learn, and gave me a sense of responsibility and honor. So I think this kind of positive education can really help children.

Second, more trust and less strict management; More decentralization, less pressure.

Children who grow up under strict control, children who can't bear the pressure independently, are often worried.

Children who grow up in trust, children who grow up in trusting others and delegating power, feel a great responsibility.

Children who grow up under strict discipline will lack independent ability, time management and their own ability. Once they enter the university, if no one helps them plan, they will lose themselves and be at a loss. Therefore, parents should gradually decentralize as their children grow up. Tell them what to do when they are three or five years old, and give them some authorization when they are seven or eight years old. After they go to college, they should be completely their own masters. Many parents think that they should take care of their children for their own good, but I have four reasons to explain why I should delegate.

First, parents may not know their children's generation and may not know what they want like children do.

Second, if parents make too many decisions for their children, it will lead to their children's lack of responsibility in the future.

Third, if parents discipline them too much, they will drown out their voices and lose interest and confidence. When I give lectures in universities, students often say that you always tell us to follow our hearts, but I don't know what my heart is. If it is too strict, it may turn the child into such a machine.

Fourth, if the pressure is too great, it will give children a heavy burden. Nowadays, children have many psychological problems, some of which are even serious to suicide and depression, all of which are caused by great pressure. Parents must not put too much pressure on their children and be responsible for decompression.

I know that my daughter is very sensitive to grades. Considering various factors (such as high tuition fees), she is very demanding of herself. When I felt that she was too responsible and stressed, I said a word in her letter. Many students said they liked it very much. "The grade is just a boring score. Is it for those who are vain and show off, or for those who are lazy and afraid?" This sentence may not be suitable for every student. Some students still need to cultivate a sense of responsibility, but I need to tell my daughter that I will never deliberately look at her grades.

A few months ago, my daughter asked me whether I should study Japanese or Korean. I told her it was useless. But then I regretted it and told her that although it is useless for your father to speak Japanese or Korean, you can choose either one. I told her to follow her heart and try many things, because everything is a point, and one day in the future, you will have the opportunity to connect these points and draw a beautiful curve. In the process of my personal growth, one thing is of great significance, that is, when I was more than four years old, I decided to go to primary school instead of kindergarten. My parents promised to let me study as long as I was admitted, and finally I was admitted. This was my first important life decision, so I realized that I was not an accessory of my parents, but a person with decision-making power. Decentralization will cultivate children's self-confidence. Children who grow up in trust will also believe in themselves and others in the future. Growing up in a decentralized environment, children will also have independent ability and a deep sense of responsibility.

Third, teach more fish and less fish; Do more and talk less.

Children who grow up in preaching, children who grow up without judgment and confusion can only remember.

Children who grow up in interactive learning really know that children who grow up by role models are consistent in words and deeds.

In the environment of China, both parents and teachers made a common mistake, that is, preaching. Preaching was a traditional form in China two or three thousand years ago, but it was out of date in 2 1 century. Under the didactic education, children may remember it, but they will not really understand it. Preaching may have two consequences. First, children don't recognize you and become rebellious. Second, he remembered his parents' preaching, but at the same time he lost his own judgment. Children who can only solve puzzles will not really understand.

To truly understand, on the one hand, we should try interactive learning to let children know that nothing is absolute, and a problem can be viewed from many different angles; On the other hand, we should teach children the ability to think, learn and solve problems. The most important thing about studying in college is that when you forget all the knowledge of subjects, the rest will be deposited in your heart. This is the essence of education.

I often encourage my daughter to debate the side she doesn't believe in and think about the side she doesn't naturally think of, so as to understand that everything has two sides, and there is no absolute right or wrong. When people face two sides, they will think more deeply about the problem. In addition, this way of thinking will also cultivate children's empathy.

In addition to this critical thinking, it is equally important to set an example. Some parents will threaten their children to fight if they fight again. Obviously, such education will only be counterproductive. Parents' education for their children is really deposited in their hearts, not how to say it. Parents who make their children punctual but not punctual, parents who make their children polite but not polite, parents who make their children honest but not honest, and parents who make their children responsible but not responsible have not achieved real education. Therefore, if you want your child to be what kind of person, you must set an example by example, match words with deeds and set an example for your child. In my letter to my daughter, I talked about being honest with others and making more friends. There is no need to force friends to have the same hobbies and personalities as themselves, as long as they treat each other sincerely. I also told her my own example. The friends around me have different personalities, but if I don't do it myself, it won't be convincing.

Fourth, be good friends, not strict elders.

Children who grow up in rules, children who are conservative and timid parents' accessories, are passive and obedient.

Children who grow up easily, children who are optimistic and happy as parents and friends, love others and love themselves.

My father is a good father. He is patriotic, honest and very responsible, but he never gets along with his children and strictly abides by the boundaries between old and young. It is of course necessary to respect parents, but it is more important for parents and children to be friends. Growing up in this era, children may have different pressures in their hearts. When they face problems, puzzles and challenges, if they just think that their parents are superior elders, they may avoid talking about it, and gradually there will be a generation gap and estrangement. Parents may think that children are too difficult to understand, but in fact they may not put down their airs and set too many rules.

Children who grow up under too many rules and frameworks will be timid, conservative and passive. In the new era, it is difficult for such people to play their potential and stand out in excellent enterprises or schools. Today, we hope to cultivate happy and optimistic children, children who can see half a glass of water instead of half empty, children who can talk to their parents and children who love themselves and others.

So when I am with children, I always tell myself not to put on airs. My children will joke with me like friends and have a lot to say to me. I used to use email, but because I had to communicate with my daughter, I often used instant messaging. On IM, I found that many things she said were very strange (both China and the United States have such a set of post-90s online language), and I learned to tell her these things. At first, she thought it was strange, but later she told me that I was a very lovely father. In fact, children are not only willing, but also eager to be our friends. We also need them to be our friends and gain their trust. Many habits of children nowadays are different from ours. It is difficult for them to learn the rules of our time, so we should learn from them.

Does this mean that there are no rules? Of course not. There can be rules, but: (1) Make rules, but first make the rules clear and don't blindly obey them; (2) Children have complete freedom within the rules; (3) Children who violate the rules will be well punished; (4) The fewer rules, the better, in order to be enlightening; (5) The older the children are, the less rules they have, and the more decentralized they are.

These are my four suggestions, which I hope will help and inspire you. The future of China lies in the young people in China, while the young people in China are our own flesh and blood and our favorite, so let's encourage each other in the future and cultivate them into the best self.