Distinctive style? Deep? Point in place

The writing is clear, the thinking is profound, and the topic is in place.

Zhao Lingdan from Ke Qiao Middle School, Shaoxing County, Zhejiang Province

Composition topic Read the following text and write as required.

Education is from the heart, and it is an inherent quality that is integrated by environment, education and experience. Once a person is well-educated, just like when a car is moving forward, it will be difficult for him to spit everywhere, make noise in public, face others' demands coldly, and ignore the national anthem and not raise the national flag. Many people think that education can only be obtained from famous families. Actually, it's common sense. You can learn it with a little attention, regardless of your background. What kind of unique thinking do you have about parenting? Please write a narrative on the topic of "education".

Requirements: ① Personal information such as the candidate's real name shall not appear in the text; ② Pay attention to stylistic norms and writing norms; ③ About 800 words.

Examination composition 1

Main problem: unclear style.

put forward

Education has no scope, it is not limited to one place, everyone has their own different understanding, because people have different cognition. I think education is not only the coverage of one's moral quality, but also the promotion of one's ideological realm and the regulation of behavior habits. It sounds hollow, invisible and intangible. In fact, education is reflected in everyone's words and deeds. Often a casual moment can better reflect a person's education.

I often go from home to school or from school by bus. Every weekend, during the student tide, the station is always crowded. Sometimes, one or two old people will stand out among the students. Old people and students represent the past and future of society. When the bus comes, the conductor will always repeat the same sentence. Because at this moment, the door is blocked, people who want to get on the bus can't get on, and people who want to get off can't get off. Future students of the motherland are afraid of not getting seats, so you push and shove and scramble to get on the bus. At this time, one or two old people are more conspicuous. They are so slow that they can hardly stand up. All they see is sigh and helplessness. As for the plot of getting on the bus, it is not difficult to imagine. According to the principle of first come, first served, those with seats are the future of the motherland, and those without seats are the elderly. They stood on the edge of the seat, trembling. When the car started or braked, they could only hold on to the straw-the armrest. And all this, turning a blind eye to the future of the motherland, listening to MP3 and playing mobile phones.

It's a pity that they have read sage books for so many years and listened to the teacher's inculcation, but at the moment they have forgotten all those principles of being a man. At this time, can you believe that the future of this group of motherland is educated? Their ideological level is not high, their behavior is chilling, and all their actions reflect the lack of education! Education is very important to a person. Once you lack education, you will not be able to stand in society, be abandoned by the world, be isolated and expelled by this society. Education reflects a person's behavior and habits, and everything in life can reflect a person's education and reflect a person's ideological realm.

Just like everything in nature, the crow feeds back and the lamb kneels and suckles, all of which are the embodiment of education. Education should require people to learn to be considerate and tolerant of others. It requires people to know the world, how to handle things and how to be a man. What is upbringing? Education is the embodiment of human thought and behavior. The quality of education determines a person's life direction. Please don't let education be lacking, let yourself have fewer shortcomings and make life more perfect.

Please take your education with you all the time, and you will find that life is so charming and life is so charming.

Simulation score: (content) 18+ (expression) 15+ (development level) 3 =36.

Scoring reason

This paper criticizes the phenomenon that students lack the traditional morality of "respecting the elderly" and expresses their understanding of "education" from the point of view through the phenomenon that students rush to get on the bus without giving up their seats to the elderly. Moreover, the narrative pays attention to the description of details, which enhances the authenticity and vividness of the article. Therefore, from the "content" point of view, it meets the requirements of the topic, the center is clear, and the thinking is simple, so it is 18.

From the perspective of language expression, although it is not gorgeous, it is also vivid, especially the use of metonymy makes the article lively. But there is a big problem in the article, that is, the "style" is vague. Narrative is the basis of narrative, and the content of narrative must be rich, vivid and touching. The word "discussion" does not occupy the main position and does not need to be fully demonstrated. Generally speaking, it is a summary and sublimation of narrative and description, and it belongs to the "finishing touch". It usually appears at the end of the article, and sometimes comments are interspersed after a narrative in order to strike while the iron is hot and deepen readers' understanding. There are few comments at the beginning of the narrative, because the long speech at the beginning of the narrative will make the article look unclear. This article made this mistake. Of the six paragraphs in the full text, only one paragraph is described, 840 words to be exact, and the narrative part only accounts for 3 19 words, which is more discussed than described. You can judge from the space alone, not the narrative. Then can you read this article as an argumentative paper without asking? No The materials are atypical and unconvincing, and the reasoning is really empty. So the score of "expression" is 15.

Although the college entrance examination has relaxed the requirements for style, it does not mean that style is endowed with infinite absolute freedom. Therefore, when students are writing and teachers are guiding their compositions, they must strengthen their stylistic awareness. (Writing skills) Whether it is argumentative or narrative, narrative and discussion are indispensable. Only by distinguishing first and then using it well can we really add color to the article.

According to the practice of Zhejiang college entrance examination composition scoring, the "development level" is set at 3 points.

Examination room composition 2

The main problem: superficial ideas.

put forward

May the flower of education bloom in everyone's heart; May the fountain of education cleanse the filth of this society; May the voice of education reverberate in every corner of the world. ...

I once again walked into this cafe called Thorn.

I like the environment here, luxurious seats, elegant music and amazing glass curtain walls, which let me see the small corner of the city.

Outside the window, the fiery French phoenix tree fell one by one, and people came and went, filled with the breath of autumn. In my opinion, everything is so calm and beautiful.

When there were two-thirds of cappuccino left in my cup, there was a little commotion outside the window. A truck loaded with golden oranges hit a street lamp, and the huge orange-yellow tide spread all over the street like running water. If the driver is okay, he will get off the bus and make a phone call, perhaps calling another van.

I can't help sighing for this driver. It's unfortunate that all the oranges I finally got here fell at once. I was about to raise my glass when the sight outside the window startled me. As a group of young men washed away with a handful of oranges, the crowd boiled, and people roared and shouted, heading for the golden trend. The trend of all kinds of clothes instantly covered up the golden color, and people cheered as if they had won the battle, completely ignoring the driver and his dusty face.

I put down the cup in my hand, and I felt queasy. I think of the scene of lions, no, wild dogs biting their prey, eighteen passers-by who turn a blind eye to Yue, and Chinese warning signs on American occasions. Oh, I don't think about it anymore. I feel a severe headache, and I can't control it.

Just then, I saw two red shadows! Red with red scarf. A little girl was shouting in the crowd of looters. Although I can't hear her voice, I know what she must be saying. My eyes began to blur, and I saw an angel saving a group of murderous demons, but it was useless. The devil's Kuroha covered up the holiness of angels, and the world was desolate. ...

In the cafe, I saw a young man in a suit and tie knock over the waiter's tray, said "you have no eyes" and left, leaving only her hands stained with coffee and dyed clothes. I looked at the thorn again. Its wall seemed to be an iron gate. Every demon in the door is drinking blood with a twisted smile on his face. I really feel like I'm in a thorn, and my whole body is stuck with spikes.

I couldn't stand it, got up and paid the bill, and walked out of the "thorn" that once made me so comfortable.

Am I out of the thorns or into the real thorns?

Simulation score: (content) 17+ (expression) 22+ (development level) 6 =45.

Scoring reason

The biggest problem of the article is superficial conception, outdated and artificial selection of materials. This paper reflects the lack of traditional morality in today's society through such incidents as "grabbing oranges", "Little Yue Yue", "calling names after hitting people", "adding insult to injury", "indifference" and "not knowing etiquette". This concept is the most common. Hesse believes that "education" is the pursuit of spiritual and spiritual perfection. Its connotation is very extensive. It is not limited to all kinds of excellent human qualities, but can point to the inner concern of human self, such as gratitude, awe, love of nature, lofty goals, understanding, good listening, loneliness, beautiful eyes and self-reflection. ...

It is found that students' knowledge transfer ability is generally weak and their vision is narrow.

Because students' interpretation of "education" is too superficial and the scope of material selection is narrow, the material selection is outdated, standardized and routine. They all wrote stories about Chen Jiazi's rotten sesame seeds, or simply made them up. Without vivid details and scenes, it is difficult to impress people. The author of this article wants to grab people's attention with "thorn", but the word "thorn" is the first to betray the authenticity of the article. Coffee shop is an elegant place for petty bourgeoisie, a place where people can enjoy life, love life and kill time. How can a merchant take such a name that is full of suffering and incompatible with the atmosphere of a coffee shop? There may be "grabbing oranges" in life, but the author's statement always gives people an unreal feeling. When a car full of oranges was scattered all over the floor, there happened to be a group of young boys, or a group of boys who robbed in troubled waters. Even more coincidentally, a "red scarf" became the embodiment of justice, and the author concluded that she was an angel only by guessing. This story feels back to the eighties and nineties, but "I" was sitting in the coffee shop, which was really exaggerated and contradictory. Even the novel creation should be reasonable and have the characteristics of the times. Although events such as "Little Yue Yue" and "Running away after hitting someone" abound in life and are very real, the author can't write anything new. So the score of "content" is 17.

The structure of the article is rigorous and complete; Skillful brushwork, mature and neat language, pungent and cunning, strong critical consciousness, the author is good at using rhetoric, good at literary talent, and has considerable language expression wisdom and writing skills. So "expression" can get 22 points.

This idea is ingenious. The word "thorn" is a pun, which refers to both the name of the cafe and the social environment. So "development level" scores 6 points.

In order to choose narrative materials for novels, we must choose new things in life or new discoveries about old materials; Moreover, we must try our best to choose vivid materials.

Examination room composition 3

Main problem: vague views.

Grandma asked me to collect rent. The renter is a foreigner, setting up a snack stall at the intersection to make a living.

Before leaving, my grandmother repeatedly told me, "Auntie, don't find the wrong place for them. Outsiders are not good, and money has to be urged. Oh, if I had known, I would have rented it to Afa's son ... "I listened and deeply felt my grandmother's prejudice against outsiders. I don't think this is right, but the old people's ideas have long been ingrained.

I walked through the alley to the door and knocked on the door, but no one answered. This door was the same as when we moved out, but it was replaced with an iron lock. The door panel has been painted, revealing the color of the logs inside. I knocked a few more times, and finally something happened inside. The woman's voice came in from the door in a hurry. "Come, come!" The words sound just fell and the door opened. The woman has a baby in one hand and a bowl in the other. She looked at me with some surprise: "Who are you?" I pointed to my house and said, "My grandmother asked me to collect rent." "Oh, okay, okay, wait a minute. Why don't you come in? " The woman put down the child and walked quickly to the front of the cabinet. "No,no." I waved. I was bored standing outside, so I looked up at the room. The floor was covered with cardboard, which was probably a little damp, so we left the wooden table. There is also an older child eating, and the bed is full of sundries. Looking around, a bungalow can be seen at a glance. I'm a little glad I didn't go in just now. Otherwise, where should I sit?

The woman came out with a black bag in her hand. The woman said, "this is the rent money, and then this is dried vegetables." Give it to your grandmother and let her rent it to me later. " I thought to myself, "I'm afraid this idea will be ruined." I took the woman's money and hesitated to take another bag. The woman grabbed my hand and gave me the bag. I lit the money, and the woman wrapped a stack for me. There are a few crumpled, ugly and fragmentary. I picked up a hundred and looked at it in the sun. Then I looked at the second picture. I didn't realize it at first. I suddenly felt a little embarrassed when I looked at the second picture. I turned around and the woman looked a little embarrassed, but she quickly smiled at me and said, "Look carefully and don't go wrong." I became more and more embarrassed, so I smiled and replied, "Yes, yes. '

At that moment, I realized that that woman was more educated than me. I am really dwarfed!

Simulation score: (content) 2 1+ (expression) 20+ (development level) 8 =49.

Scoring reason

The full text is mainly narrative and description, with obvious stylistic features, fluent and natural language, simple style, unique narrative model and sincere feelings, so the score of "content" is 2 1.

Detail description makes the characters full and vivid, and enhances the vividness, vividness and authenticity of the article. For example, the external description of the house and the description of the woman's family living environment are objective and delicate, showing the general living conditions of migrant workers in today's society. In particular, the action description of "I" counting money shows "I"' s distrust of outsiders to the fullest. When describing the kindness and tolerance of "woman", several verbs such as "drag … plug" and "laugh" are used, which are accurate and implicit; The sentence "Yes, yes" not only conforms to the characteristics of small people, but also vividly shows the psychology of "resolving embarrassment" of characters. So "expression" got 20 points.

Through the description of the external environment in which social migrant workers live and the display of their pure inner world, this paper criticizes the phenomenon of "exclusion" prevalent in the present society and reveals that its root is "inequality and distrust in getting along with others". Advocate indiscriminate trust and tolerance between people. The thought is profound and the material is typical and fresh. So the "development level" is 8 points.

However, the biggest defect of the article is that the finishing touch is not in place and the specific connotation of "education" in the article is not revealed. At the end, if the connotation of education is properly pointed out, such as: "It turns out that not only grandma, but even I don't know. Indiscriminate trust between people is an education, but I didn't do it. Imagine that if a local really gave me this money, I would definitely not read it again and again. In contrast, women's smiles contain my distrust and turn embarrassment into dimples. This is education. Compared with the two, it is naturally dwarfed. " As an examination composition, the theme must be clear and definite, and the topic must be in place. The connotation of "education" is very abstract, and its extension is extremely broad. We should know how to "turn it into a small one".