30 ancient and modern jokes. Urgent need! ! ! ! quick

1 examiner: to what extent? Candidate: I didn't graduate from primary school. Examiner: Have you ever been in a fight? Candidate: This is the usual practice. Examiner: Do you have a criminal record? Candidate: Just came out. Examiner: What about physical fitness? Candidate: Not bad. You can kick over the peddler's tricycle with one foot. Examiner: Dare to take other people's things? Examinee: This is my strong point, just like taking my own things. Examiner: Does the old man dare to fight? Candidate: Cai Xiao, my father crippled me. Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management needs is talents like you! Examiner: One more question. What if something happens? Examiner: I went to work tonight. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd. The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?" Confused, the man replied, "Do you have any medicine?" The people in the car snickered! The woman felt very angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?" The man said coldly, "Can it be cured?" The whole car is hilarious! The bus driver stopped to lie on the steering wheel and laugh! Second: The bus is full of people, and there is a woman standing at the door. A GG pushed from the back of the car to get off and said to the woman, "Sorry, get off." The woman didn't move. GG stepped on her when she pushed over. As a result, the woman was too powerful and kept scolding: "You are crazy! You're crazy! ~ ~ ",loud enough for the whole car to watch. GG hasn't spoken. When he got off the bus, he couldn't bear it. He turned to the woman and said, "Repeater!" There are a few funny children behind, playing the scene just now. A said, "You are crazy! .................. B said, "You repeat the machine, Later, a little MM got off the bus in ............................................................................................................................................., and squeezed over and said timidly, "I ~ I ~ I want to go down, I'm not crazy ~!" "The whole car smiled again ~! The woman didn't speak, and a word came from the side: "Are you out of power?" The whole car is laughing ~! 3. Confucius said; Hit with bricks, don't play around! Press the head! Almost no more! Buddha said; Bullshit! I am kind! Stop playing! A brick! ! ! On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but 1 yuan. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." On Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large face value * *, please consciously turn it over to the relevant departments. -"On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue People's Daily of the Straits. When I arrived at the terminal, I found the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper. 1 Remarks: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! -"Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes, which will affect the normal work of our company. -"On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate the tools of crime! -"on Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. You can take a taxi to where you want to go. Please don't disturb us. "6. One day, there were too many people on the bus, which was very hot and I was particularly bored. I don't know who farted My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it It happened that the conductor was asking, "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!" "7. A sculpture was completed in the new building of a university: a girl held a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The names were publicly solicited from off-campus students, and as a result, many people's slogans coincide-reading is the best for birds! 9. The school bike is badly lost. The new car disappears in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bike will appear again every few days. One day, my roommate Xiao Jing bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock!" "The next day, Xiao Jing came back from night lessons and looked depressed. He still holds a piece of paper in his hand, which reads: Don't be the owner here, I borrowed the car, and I'll pay you back in a few days! A few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing is very happy, but she is worried that the car will be "borrowed" again. He bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you "borrow"! When Xiao Jing went downstairs the next morning, she found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: See how you ride! At 10, there are three tadpoles. They went to a restaurant for dinner ... After a while, the first course was fried frogs ... Three tadpoles sang in unison: I don't want to grow up ... 1 1. One day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them: each of you is going to the orchard to choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei took out an apple. Cao Cao said, if they can put the fruit in their ass, let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while without success and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu started stuffing things ... when he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed. After arriving in the underworld, the prince asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?"? Guan Yu sighed and said, "Not if you don't laugh." "I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian in his arms ... "12, I went to eat KFC yesterday, and the people behind me looked like lovers. Seeing that they ordered a lot of food, they sat next to me. After sitting down, the girls began to eat hard, as if they were hungry for several days, while the boys chewed French fries one by one, as if they had something on their mind. Suddenly, the boy put down the French fries, leaned down and asked seriously, "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "The girl didn't look up, just said," no! The boy asked again, "Is this impossible?" The girl simply said, "Not at all!" The boy froze, looked at her and stayed there ... At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other, thinking that the boy was watching her, so she stopped eating, and then looked at the boy with a bad eye and whispered, "Hmm ... can I still eat?" Everyone around me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy said helplessly, "Eat, eat ..." This MM is so cute ... If I don't let it chase, I must chase ... life! ! ! ! 13, I have been very restless at school. I taught myself for the first time when I was a freshman. I was depressed sitting in the classroom, and then I ran to the aisle to smoke. Not long after I lit a cigarette, a girl from PL came over and asked me, "I'm studying by myself now! How did you get out? "I said, boring to go out to smoke, MM which class are you in? How also ran out. PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class! At that time, I was so excited to say, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed? She said: well, a freshman in our class ran out from self-study and I came out to find him. I smiled, it seems that someone still can't sit still. What do you want from him? You're not his mother! MM: I can't help it I'm his head teacher! I was cheated at that time ... A minute later, I choked up and said, Teacher, you look so young ...14 Dad is a glass factory worker and has the habit of working with gloves. One night shift, he took a taxi home. When the car passed a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze blew. Dad felt a little cold, so he took the glove strap out of his pocket. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously, "Brother, what are you doing?" "Oh, nothing, I'm used to it. I always wear gloves when I work, so that I won't cut myself or leave any marks ... "15 A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on business. When eating the night before, the middle-aged man saw several stains on the edge of the dish, which made him uneasy. He asked the hotel owner, "This dish looks dirty. "The boss replied," Don't worry, mineral water will make it clean. " Hearing this answer, middle-aged people began to eat with peace of mind. A week passed, middle-aged people ate in the hotel every day, and met a big dog in the hotel. When leaving, the middle-aged man stepped out of the gate, and the dog reluctantly caught up with him and pestered him not to leave. Seeing this, the hotel owner went up to the dog and patted it on the head. He said softly, "Let the guests go, mineral water. The hunter hunted and saw two birds in the tree. He shot down one with a gun and found it hairless. Just wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes, and you shot her down. . . 17 There is a parrot hanging in front of the hotel. When a guest arrived, he said, "Hello, welcome! "A regular thought, I hurriedly go in and see how you react. One day he ran in and the parrot said, "Damn it! You scared me! ! ! "18 A child in the delivery room smiled after birth. The midwife was very surprised. When she gathered around to observe, she found that the child's fist was clenched. After breaking it, she found that it was an abortion pill. She only heard the child say: He *! Do you want to kill me? It's not that easy! ! 19 After the performance, the leader took the stage to hold the beautiful Mongolian actress's hand and asked her name. The actress said excitedly: Malagaby stands higher and sees farther; Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Wear other people's shoes and let others find out. 2 1 what is depression? Just hit more than 30 people, hugged a handful of hemp, stole a wallet, and my wife ran away with someone. I still smell sour porridge at home. As soon as my eyes turned, the ambulance went to the hospital and fell into the ditch! Moon cakes fall in love with steamed bread and pursue it desperately. Steamed bread vows not to follow. The moon cake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed bread: My mother said that your stomach is full of huahuachangzi. One day, the hen was flying on the roof, and the owner said angrily, "Come down, or I will kill all the cocks here and make your life even more sad." The hen smiled and said, "Finally, we can find the duck." "An American, a Frenchman and a China were walking in the desert when they saw a bottle. After opening the cork, a man came out. The man said, "I am a fairy, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" Americans first said, "My first wish is to ask for a lot of money." The fairy said, "it's simple, it satisfies you!" Tell me about the second wish. The American said, "I want a lot of money! "After the fairy realized his wish, the American said his third wish:" Take me home. " The fairy said, "No problem." So Americans came back to America with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want beautiful women!" " "The fairy gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman said, "I want more beautiful women!" ""The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman finally said, "Send me back to France." After the fairy sent the Frenchman back to China, she asked the China people what they wanted. China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. China people said, "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The fairy asked him what his third wish was. China said, "I miss China and Americans very much. Please get them all back. " France and the United States are very popular, but they are helpless, so the three of them have to continue to walk. Walking, I saw another bottle. When I opened the plug, another man came out. The man said, "I am the younger brother of the fairy just now. My magic is not as strong as his. I can only satisfy two wishes of each of you." The French and Americans think it's better to let China speak first, so as not to be brought back by him later. So China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy realized his wish. The French and Americans urged China people to express their second wish as soon as possible. After drinking Erguotou, China people slowly said to the immortal, "It's okay, it's okay, go away." An American, a Japanese and an China are exploring the jungle. As a result, they were all arrested by cannibal tribes. But the tribal leader said, "I'm in a good mood today. I won't eat you, but you all have to get a hundred boards, but you can have a wish come true before you get a board." "Americans are the first to get the board. He said, "Before hitting the board, put 1 mat on my ass. "Mat, boards rained down; In the past, 70 boards were ok. After the 70-board back cushion was smashed and there was blood on the board ... America always left. When the Japanese saw this, they asked for a 10 mattress. After 1, 2, 3 ... 100, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, nothing happened; Then he boasted about his imitation ability and re-creation ability with a smelly mouth, and wanted to sit in a Chinese drama. China people get down slowly and say slowly, "Come, give me a Japanese mat. About ... a farmer ... Shao Qing, he said to the doctor with a pale face, "Doctor, I swallowed all the blood and urine. It was shit." . . . . I can't swallow anything -#' 1 The child asked his mother, "How to make a sentence with ABCDEFG?" Mom: "A! Is this child B from the C family? Standing barefoot on D, EF doesn't wear it, and there is a small GG. " 2. Four results of breast enhancement: 1 very different, 2 different, 3 different and 4 different. An elephant asked the camel, "How did your boobs grow on your back?" The camel said, "Go away, I won't tell Gigi what's on my face!" " "The snake laughed wildly after listening to the conversation between the elephant and the camel. The elephant turned to the snake and said, "Laugh! You have a face, Gigi, you are not qualified! "The driver sent the leader to the literary evening, and the leader entered the venue. The driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said that I am a system with the leader. The security guard said, "JB and eggs are also a system. JB is in. Can eggs go in? "An adult man came to a hotel. He saw many beautiful cars in the garage, so he asked the boss why there were so many beautiful cars. The boss told him that I have a five-year-old son who does three things. If you can follow suit, you can choose a car here and drive away. If not, leave your car. Many people can't do it, so ... he thought, a five-year-old child can. The boss took him to a room where there was a beautiful naked beauty. The child used to kiss her, and he followed suit. Then the child touched the beauty all over her body, and he followed suit. The third thing, the child took out a small drop and bent three times ... A man saw an advertisement: No surgery, no hospitalization, let your genitals easily become bigger and thicker! I was overjoyed and remitted the money immediately. A few days later, I received the parcel and eagerly opened it! ! It turned out to be a magnifying glass! A village woman went to town for the first time and wanted to go to the toilet. She didn't meet for a long time, so she asked the policeman, Comrade, there is a public toilet in front. Where is the mother toilet? I feel like a pervert. I have an Oedipus addiction and like the best mature women. Why else do I miss grandma Cao every time I see the face of our supermarket supervisor? Some people's love is erotic, some are erotic, some are comedies, some are literary films; I am the worst. My love process is literary films, comedies, third-class films, pornographic films, suspense films, action films, and finally horror films. What's more, there are tmd advertisements ... I remember one day shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a short message: "Let's break up! "Before I could feel sad, my girlfriend sent another message:" Sorry, I sent it wrong. "This is so sad ... one night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him. The naked man was furious and roared: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver is also angry: I see where you pay! Someone has just been abandoned by his girlfriend and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the angrier he became, trying to humiliate them. So I made a polite greeting and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike my second-hand goods!" " Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said, "One inch outside is old, and all inside is new! "Taiwanese businessmen doing business in Chinese mainland like to go to entertainment places every night because their families are in Taiwan Province Province. One day, he was unfortunately arrested by the police, and the Taiwanese certificate was stamped with the word "prostitute". He was very unhappy, so he spent some money through relationships and got rid of this indecent term. A week later, his friend told him that it had been finished. He thought, as long as the mainland has money, what is impossible? After receiving the Taiwanese certificate, he excitedly opened it, covered with three big characters: non-prostitute. Later, he tried to get rid of the word "non-prostitute" through more powerful people, because he felt that these three words were still indecent, so the account had to be calculated. Because he will go back to Taiwan Province Province next month ... His friends have repeatedly assured him that there will be no problem, but politeness is absolutely indispensable. Another week passed, and his friend came to him and said, "This time it was really done! "! He quickly took the Taiwanese certificate and read it. It says: On the night of "African Fireworm", one of the four people fell asleep in the dormitory, and three people were discussing how to confess after chasing girls for the first time 1. The discussion was heated, and the sleeping one woke up ... and said, Don't say anything, let's go to bed ... A couple, both 67 years old, went to a sex clinic for treatment. The doctor asked, "What's the problem? The man replied, "Do you want to see us have sex?" "Although the doctor felt a little confused, he agreed. After that, the doctor said you did a good job, no problem. So I charged them $32 for medical treatment. In the next few weeks, the couple visited the doctor several times. They all made an appointment first, and came to the clinic to ask the doctor to watch them have sex. The doctor also declared nothing every time and charged $32 for treatment. On this day, the doctor couldn't bear it anymore and asked, "What problem do you want to find out? "The old man replied," No, he is married, and we can't go to his house. I can't go to my house when I am married. Holiday Inn charges $60, Hilton Hotel charges $78, you only need to spend $32, and I can deduct $28 with medical insurance ... "A pharmaceutical sales company invited a group of advertising elites to write advertisements in order to cooperate with the comprehensive sales of Viagra pills in China. After racking their brains, one of them still found nothing, ashamed of the host's hospitality. When handing in the paper, he was ashamed to hand in a blank sheet of paper and said, Sorry, I can't think of it. The next day, the best advertising slogan was announced, and everyone was shocked. Viagra's advertising slogan in China is: I don't think ... I can't get out ... The professor asked: What are the similarities between rotten radish and pregnant women? A student replied: it's all caused by bugs. Only get 60 points. Another student got full marks, and the answer was: it was all because he was late. Dong Zhuo gave a banquet in honor of Lu Bu, Marotta and other confidants, accompanied by the story of Diusim. In order to test everyone's loyalty, Zhuo is famous for painting black breasts. During the dinner, the candle suddenly went out. When we looked again, everyone's hands were black and clean. Zhuosui enjoys cloth, smiles and likes to eat. Q: Who is the most pitiful person in the world? A: Artillery company cookhouse squad soldiers! Q: Why? A: I wear a green hat to take the fall and watch others have sex all day! Several little boys scraped together a dozen dollars to buy toys, but they were worried: What can a dozen dollars buy? One suggestion: go and buy sanitary napkins! People don't understand, why? The boy said, I don't know, but TV said that with it, you can climb mountains, water ski, play ball games, skate and be carefree and happy! The condom said to the sanitary napkin, Sister, don't go to work. As soon as you go to work, I will have no business for seven days! Sanitary napkins versus condoms: Big Brother, you are satisfied. If you fucking leak, I won't have a job for ten months There is a man and a woman crossing the bridge. A tiger stared at the bridge, and the woman took off her clothes after a little thought. The man also learned to undress, but was tackled by the tiger. Men don't understand? The tiger said, do you think you have a stick to beat Song Wu? The female reporter asked the farmer about the origin of mad cow disease. The farmer says I have to milk ten times a day, but cows can only mate once a year. The reporter is puzzled; The host said loudly: Rub your chest every day and have sex once a year. Can you not be crazy? 1. Brother, stop touching it! You touched the top and the bottom, and your hair fell out. Such tender skin, you have touched all the water! How do you want me to sell it later? These peaches are all fresh, don't buy them! A row of girls are waiting for guests in the street. The 80-year-old lady was curious and asked, What are you waiting for? * Women have a bad temper: wait for lollipops! The old woman joined the queue and waited for the sugar to be caught. The policeman asked the old woman, Can you do without teeth? The old woman smiled and said, I can lick it. A mosquito came to town and was very hungry. Seeing a young lady with a towering chest, she took a sharp bite. As a result, her mouth was full of silicone, so she sighed, "Alas, food safety is too problematic! Where can I find safe milk? "One day, there was a power outage at home. I picked up the phone in all kinds of boredom, but no one answered my friend's phone. Put the phone down, I'm tired of walking around the room. Just then, the phone rang. I almost jumped to the phone. " Hello, hello. "I rarely use' hello' when I answer the phone at home, which shows how excited I am after a long drought." Hello, this is China Netcom Customer Service Center. "A girl's sweet voice." Ah, well, that's all right. ""huh? What did you say, sir? " "Uh .. didn't say anything. what can I do for you? "Obviously, I am a little delirious with excitement." I want to pay a return visit to the use of broadband in your home. Excuse me. ""don't bother, of course not, it's too much trouble. "At this time, the other party must think that there is something wrong with my nerves, or that I have eaten too many stimulants." Do you think your home network speed is fast? ""well, I can't say anything fast. " "You can visit our website, where there is a broadband area. There are free movies. " "Oh, I have been there. "There are more than 500 movies that can be watched online for free." How do you feel? " "The movie is older. "I'm sorry to say." (The other person can't help laughing and quickly returns to normal tone) I mean, how do you feel about the speed? Have you stopped? ""Ah, well, all right. I just paused while watching "Magic Stars". " "Really? Is the pause long? " "About thirty minutes." "ah? No "She still doesn't believe it." How can you pause for so long? Is it a machine? ""There was no machine, so I cancelled the pause and released it. " "ah? Did you pause yourself? " "Yes, what's the matter, I have something to go out, can you pause? Then you should have stopped talking. "I am really wronged." ... (On the phone, the other person whispered to his colleague for a tissue to wipe the sweat) No ~ Nothing, you can pause, as long as you like. "Then he asked," Are there any other questions? " "Let me see .. by the way, I can't download the song" I do "sung by Faye Wong. I like Faye Wong's songs best. They have unique tastes. Do you like them? "I really like Faye Wong." Me? ""How did you say she divorced Dou Wei? I like both their songs very much. For example, "I said more than 30 songs by Faye Wong and Dou Wei in one breath. Speaking of fun, I also sang a few words. It is estimated that there are more than 20 minutes, and the other party is a little overwhelmed. " Sir, your singing is very good, but I'm working, and I can't listen any more. What a pity. ""Oh, yes, you are working. Oh, look, I forgot. Which unit are you from? " "Net .. Netcom customer service center. "The voice on the phone is a little choked." Oh, Netcom. Why did you call me? As soon as the voice fell, I heard an "ah" on the phone, and then I heard many people anxiously calling her name ... North Korea: Big Brother, I'm going to do a nuclear test. China: OK, when? North Korea: 10. English: 10? 10 What? 10 day or 10 hour? North Korea: 9, 8, 7, 6. . . China people: Your uncle's dear Wukong: I wrote this letter slowly, because I know you can't read it quickly. We have moved, but the address hasn't changed, because we brought the house number when we moved. It rained twice this week, the first time for 3 days and the second time for 4 days. Yesterday we went to buy pizza, and the clerk asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I said 8 yuan is enough, 12 yuan can't be eaten. I sent you a coat, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket for fear of being overweight. Chang 'e was born, because I don't know if it's a man or a woman, so I don't know if you should be an uncle or an aunt. Finally, I told you that I wanted to send you money, but the envelope was sealed. The Mid-Autumn Festival is coming. Don't forget to tell the children what happened a long time ago: at that time, the sky was still blue, the water was still green, crops were growing in the field, pork was safe to eat, mice were afraid of cats, the court was reasonable, marriage was first love, barbershops only cared about haircuts, medicine could cure diseases, doctors were saving lives, and there was no need to sleep with directors when making movies. Wear clothes for taking pictures and pay back the money you owe. The father of the child knows very well. You can't sell dog meat. If you get married, you can't get married, but you have to pay for things. One day, a couple was walking in the park, and the girl suddenly wanted to fart, so she said to the man, honey, do you want to listen to me like a cuckoo? Husband said that a good girl farts when she sings like a cuckoo. Girls ask boys if they look good. The boy said that the fart was too big to hear, "Why did my girlfriend get pregnant after eating more than a dozen pieces of Yuting?" Last night, I dreamed of having a threesome with Brother Chun and Brother Zeng! This ~ I remember that I liked a MM in high school, and suddenly I had to take time off for an injection with several medicine bottles on my back. In order to please MM, she skipped class and accompanied her to have an injection to make MM happy ... In an ambiguous atmosphere, she casually asked you what happened. Do you want a blood transfusion? MM said: I just had an abortion and had an anti-inflammatory injection. . . . . .