A little bit mean to talk about

A little bit mean to talk about

1. The husband and his wife were sleeping on the bed. The husband saw that his daughter-in-law had lost a hair, so he picked it up and put it on himself. The daughter-in-law said: Why are you picking my hair? My husband said: Pretend that you are interrogating me and asking me where this hair comes from! She said seriously: Tell me honestly, where did this hair come from? The husband said calmly: It's from the pig

2. Mom, give me some money to spend! Why? Today is Children's Day! You little brat, who said I have to give you money on Children’s Day? No! But grandpa celebrates Qingming Festival, so you guys are burning money!

3. The doctor said to the patient sincerely: If you want to live a longer life, then you really should quit smoking. Patient: It's too late to quit now. Doctor: How could that happen? It’s never too late to quit smoking! Patient: Well, then there’s no rush, haha.

4. I have been married for two years without having children. One day when I was shopping, I saw a pregnant woman passing by. I was a little envious and quickly showed my wife. My wife took one look and said: My belly is so big even after I’m full. I was speechless. .

5. My son was watching bears. I saw that the scene was winter, so I asked: Why don’t bears hibernate in winter? Son: How can I have time to film all day long?

6. Ordinary people like me really can’t enjoy the life of high-end people. Yesterday at a star hotel, the waiter at the door handed me a towel even though I had wiped my bowels and came out. I had no choice but to go back and wipe it again with a towel, fold it and return it to him. . .

7. A colleague drove a new BMW to work. An unmarried female colleague next to him asked who owned the BMW. The colleague said it belonged to his brother-in-law. After hearing this, she immediately asked: Does your brother-in-law have a partner? Please introduce me to him.

8. While shopping, I bought a scratch-off ticket and won four hundred. I happily ran home and told my wife. After we were happy for a long time, my wife said: Hand it over.

9. I brought my nephew to our company to play. My colleague Xiao Zhang enthusiastically gave my nephew some juice to drink. I said to my nephew: "Uncle brings you something good to drink. You have to tell your uncle." What? Unexpectedly, my nephew pointed at Xiao Zhang and said: Just having something to drink is not enough. Go and get me something delicious.

10. A neighbor’s child was 7 or 8 years old. When his grandfather passed away, his father burst into tears. His younger brother ran over and said to his father: Dad, you don’t have a father anymore. I can be your father. . . His father grabbed him and beat him up.

11. Received a call: Brother, I got into a fight with someone just now, please call 20 brothers over. Okay, what guy to bring? Buy some fruit baskets and make your apology sincere.

12. I met a manager of a construction company and told me: There is no project that our company cannot handle! Building buildings, installing elevators, laying ceramic tiles, anything related to construction! I asked weakly. Sentence: Brother, I want to install an elevator on Mount Everest, please give me a price! Manager: Me: If it doesn’t work, we can tile the Great Wall! It doesn’t matter how much you want

13. The miser’s wife is dead , the miser cried until he died. The person who expressed condolences was very moved and said to the miser: Looking at you, I know that you and your wife have a good relationship. Scrooge: Can it be bad? When she was alive, she would nag about everything every day, so I didn’t have to buy TV or radio. Now that she is dead, who will let me watch TV and listen to the radio for free?

14. I was watching TV with my wife at home during the holiday. She suddenly said to me, my dear, shall we never be separated in this life? I was so moved that I nodded. I saw her clumsily taking a pear from behind and chewing on it. It was the first time I had seen eating alone and talked about it in such a sensational way. Life is all a routine!

15. One day, my father and brother went to buy goods. When it was time for dinner, they went to a restaurant to eat. As soon as we entered the restaurant, my father shouted loudly: Boss, please bring two bowls of shaved noodles. After a while, the boss brought out two bowls of noodles. While eating, my brother looked at the menu posted on the wall of the restaurant. When he saw egg soup, pork rib soup...he said, "Dad, please give me a bowl of soup." My dad said loudly without raising his head, "Boss, here's a bowl of noodle soup."

16. Jiang Taigong was fishing. A passerby saw him and asked curiously: Why do you use a straight hook to fish? Jiang Taigong rolled his eyes at him and said: "You haven't studied physics, haven't you? Look at it, it will bend when you put it in the water!"

17. A man has been secretly in love with a girl for a long time. One day he finally got up the courage to confess to the girl. Man: Please accept my love and be my girlfriend? Woman: I'm sorry, I don't like you! Man: I had feelings for you when I first met you. Don't you have any feelings for me at all? Woman: Yes! Man: Thank God! Woman: It’s just that I feel like vomiting!

18. The doctor told me to hold my urine for color ultrasound at 3:30 in the afternoon. I was very obedient and couldn’t hold it in any longer. . . Sir, tell me what the twenty people in front of you are doing? You want to suffocate me to death! ! !

19. A girl’s boyfriend broke up with her because of her greed. I asked her: How are you feeling now? She said: My heart is broken like a crushed potato chip!

20. My cousin is hospitalized for surgery, and I will accompany him. At noon, the nurse took his temperature and asked him how many times he had urinated and defecated in 24 hours. He was drowsily asleep and asked: Does the urine that comes with you when you defecate count?

21. A new bathhouse opened nearby. The guests asked the boss: Why is there no water in the pool and no water in the shower? The boss said: The bathhouse I opened is a dry cleaning shop.

22. A man wanted to go to the train station, but he was lost. He asked a child carrying a schoolbag: Hello, kid, can you tell your uncle how you got to the train station? Child: My parents took me there.

Twenty-three, I went to buy Bao Yuxi and gave him twenty yuan. The boss insisted on twenty-one yuan. I had no choice but to open the cigarette and hand him one. I will never forget the look in the shop owner's eyes when he saw me leaving.

Twenty-four. When picking up the bride, he was blocked and asked the groom to kneel down and imitate the barking of a dog. The groom made up his mind, knelt down and shouted. The woman continued to make trouble and had to give 88888 to get in! The door wouldn't open even after begging for a long time. The groom was helpless and gritted his teeth and said: Go home and stop answering! So he really left! The woman was dumbfounded and hurriedly called the groom. The groom’s father answered the call and told the woman directly: Let the two children go to the Civil Affairs Bureau tomorrow to get the divorce certificate! The bride is miserable.

25. I met a female colleague on the way to work. The female colleague happily walked with me on the road carrying a newly bought mink bag. I pointed at her bag and she proudly said: Newly bought! I pointed to her bag again, and she said: It’s not expensive, only more than 20,000 yuan! I said: The mobile phone in your bag has been ringing for a long time. Are you deaf? !

26. Mrs. Li is 70 years old this year, and her husband has passed away many years ago. Not long ago, a neighbor wanted to introduce her to someone of a similar age. Mrs. Li asked her neighbor: What is his character like? The neighbor replied: There is absolutely no problem with your character! Mrs. Li then asked: How do you look? The neighbor replied: He is also very handsome! Mrs. Li asked again: Is it high? The neighbor replied: High, three high!

27. He who has more money goes home less; he who has more beauty wears less; he who has more ideas has less success; he who has more success has less longevity; he who studies more has less vision; he who has more vision has less peace. Having more lovers means less sleep, having more friends means less difficulties, and having more jokes means less depression.

Twenty-eight. After taking the train for 8 hours, I finally arrived home. This year I can finally spend the New Year with my parents. It seems that my parents don’t like me very much. As soon as I walked in, my parents said: What are you doing back? Still not back to the construction site? Me: I’ll celebrate the New Year with you when I come back! Dad got angry and said: It’s only May, why the hell don’t you want to go out to work?

29. I was a little nervous when I went to a restaurant with my girlfriend for the first time. My girlfriend ordered a cold cucumber. After the dish was served, I put a piece of cucumber on her plate and said, "Here, eat it while it's hot."

Thirty. Wife: The woman in front is very beautiful. Husband: I don’t think so! Wife: You lack aesthetic vision. Husband: Yes, so I often praise you for your beauty.

31. Picking up a mobile phone, the owner later sent me a message saying: I can give you the mobile phone, please return the card to me. Then I sent him a message back and said: I can give you the card, please. Bring me the charger! He agreed, and we made an appointment to meet in the park, and then I was beaten and my phone was gone.

Thirty-two. The second hand of the watch fell off with a hanging wire, so I took it for repair.

After the repair was completed, I asked the watch repairman: Why did the second hand fall off for no reason? The master rolled his eyes and said: You are shaking too much, please change which hand to use next.

Thirty-three. Wife: Husband, the season has changed, and I want to buy clothes. Me: Are you obedient? Wife: Disobedient! Me: If you don’t obey me, I won’t buy it for you. Wife: Then I will obey you! Me: Be good and be obedient! We don't buy it. Wife: Ni sister, I don’t want to change the season anymore, I’ll change it for you. I dared to say: buy, buy, buy.

Thirty-four. The little niece is over 4 years old and often makes surprising remarks. One day, her father watched a ghost movie in his arms, and the little niece probably didn't dare to sleep at night. After going in and out of the room several times, she looked at her parents, pointed at her father's nose and said: Today you sleep on the sofa, and I want to sleep with your wife!

35. I will never forget what the photographer said to me when we were taking pictures: Beauty, please stretch your neck forward as much as possible. We cannot repair double chins.

Thirty-six. I went to the doctor when I was sick. The doctor prescribed some medicine for me, but I didn’t want to take it because it was too painful. The doctor advised: How can you get better if you don't accept it? I was still dissatisfied and said stubbornly. Unexpectedly, he hit me with a brick on my head: Why the hell did you hit me! The doctor sneered and said: Haha, just treat all kinds of dissatisfaction.

37. During the physical examination and urine test, aren’t everyone given a small cup? Just drop a little in it. But I saw a young man holding a full glass in both hands. He walked up to the doctor with difficulty and carefully put down the glass. The doctor was an aunt, and she looked straight at him and said: Young man, are you here to toast?

Thirty-eight. Wife: Husband, go down and turn off the light. Husband: I have taken off all my clothes. Go down and turn it off. Wife: Oh, please close your eyes for a minute. Wife : Okay, I have taken off my clothes now, you can go down and lock me up.

39. I have never had a girlfriend before. When I see other people having girlfriends advising them to quit smoking, I think it is a wonderful thing. So I started smoking, waiting for the person who asked me to quit smoking to appear. Until many years later, I met my current partner by chance. I still remember that she was the first to say: Hey! Borrow a fire.

Forty, male: I like drinking coffee. Woman: I like drinking water. Man: I like playing CS. Woman: I like reading novels. Man: I like to see beautiful women. Woman: Me too. Man: We have the same thing in our headquarters. Woman: Yes. Man: Let me tell you, one time I bumped into a pillar just to look at a beautiful woman. Woman: What is this? In order to make it easier for me to see beautiful women, I even had sex reassignment surgery.

41. Hello, I live in room 816. The quilt in my room is a bit damp. Thank you for the compliment, sir. You are really discerning. This is indeed the latest model this year.

42. Accompanying my buddy on a blind date, she is a pure loser and won’t say anything when she sees a beautiful girl. As a result, the girl and I had a lively conversation. It was cold, and the girl sneezed. When I saw the opportunity, I poked my brother to express something. This guy scratched his head and scratched his head for a long time and said: When a dog sneezes, it will be sunny. . .

Forty-three, I went out alone and met a naughty kid selling flowers. . Child: Uncle, uncle, buy a flower for your sister. I:. . . It’s my brother. Child: Uncle, uncle, buy a flower for your brother. I. . . Funny stories about cheap people

1. Diseases come in from the mouth and disasters come out from the mouth, so it is safest to shut up

2. There are four states of people: busy, very busy , very busy, unhurried.

3. When you think the person you like also likes you, it is usually because you are overthinking it.

4. What breaks an egg from the outside is food, but what breaks an egg from the inside is life.

5. Go to the supermarket to eat before the end, preferably until you are exhausted

< p> 6. My crush changed his hairstyle yesterday, and I suddenly felt like I had a change of heart.

7. As a monster, my wish is to destroy at least one Ultraman

8. One smile will make you less than ten years old, and another smile will make wrinkles appear.

9. Three laws of the workplace: Either endure it! Either be cruel! Either get lost

10. Friendship is like a vase, it will break when someone messes with it.

11. I connected all the memories into a movie, and a tragedy was produced

12. The Smurfs sang to Avatar: "When I grow up, I will become you".

13. In the morning, I chased a bus by taxi and chased it to the terminal.

14. Either you don’t work seriously, or you don’t work seriously.

15. Dreams cannot be measured in money, otherwise your dreams will depreciate.

16. This book is very beautiful, so I have been reluctant to read it.

17. Although I will not die if I admit defeat, I will not admit defeat even if I die.

18. In life, old age, illness and death, we must: live well, age slowly, get sick late, and die quickly.

19. You, a thick-skinned person, actually treat others badly.

20. Family affairs, state affairs, and world affairs, and having no money to eat is a big deal

21. I am a human being, but you are not me, so you are not a human being.

22. You can’t be eaten as food, but I feel full when I see you.

23. Why do I feel sleepy when I read a book? Because books are where dreams begin

24. That year, Sora Aoi was still a virgin and Edison didn’t have a camera.

25. People want to lose weight, reduce waist and butt, why do you have to start with brain cells.

26. I asked God: How to be happy and forget the sad things at the same time. God replied: drive yourself crazy.

27. Shamelessness, if done well, is called a strong psychological quality.

28. Since I bought insurance, I don’t even look at the traffic lights when walking.

29. China Mobile and China Unicom are husband and wife. I gave birth to a child named China Telecom

30. When money stands up and speaks, all truth goes to sleep.

31. I am my son’s passport, and my son is my epitaph.

32. I only have eyes for you. Um...it turns out I'm just an eye peeper.

33. Tea leaves are really pitiful. They praise them when they are making them, but then they are ruthlessly thrown away after making them.

34. When you have no money, you have a group of friends; when you have money, you have a group of bodyguards...

35. Life is like a pancake, you have to turn it over enough times to mature.

36. Young people don’t work hard. The boss does his homework.

37. Hold the hand. If the child refuses to leave, beat the child unconscious and continue to drag him away.

38. All the dinosaurs died in the last apocalypse; so I am very worried about you this time

39. While others vomit truth after drinking, I only vomit food after drinking.

40. Metal detectors are not only used for security checks, some people use them to pick up garbage.

41. What should we do if the world ends? suicide. Why? Go down first and take a seat

42. How many people’s reputations have been ruined by so-called good friends.

43. A good girlfriend can save 200G hard drive on your computer.

44. Sun Wukong is too fickle, so he is destined to be single.

45. The wind is rustling and the water is cold. You have to pay back the money you owe.

46. They say that if you have a crew cut, you will live a proud life, so is it wiser to have a pig head cut?

47. How many people in the world owe you money, which makes you miserable every day. Vice, dead and not buried appearance, bitchy and funny personality quotes

1. When marrying a wife, you should marry Xiao Shao, and when making friends, you should marry Ling Hu Chong. As a man, it is best to be Qiao Feng, come out Wei Xiaobao is the best choice.

2. After many years, if you get married, if I don’t, tell your son to be careful on the way home from school.

3. Meet the right person at the right time, at the right place. That may not be your lover, but your enemy.

4. Young man, I traveled through time and space to find you, why haven’t you arrived in front of me yet?

5. Love does not hurt others, people hurt themselves. Love does not do evil, people do evil. If God doesn't play tricks on people, God will show off his brains.

6. I passed by a lawn yesterday and saw this slogan: Today you step on my head, next year I will grow on your grave.

7. I treat you as a friend, but you treat me as a fool. Sister is not someone to be trifled with.

8. When I was a child, when I ate watermelon, I only ate the tip and stopped eating where there were seeds.

9. The person I love is not my lover. Every inch of his heart belongs to someone else.

10. Dear: You must know that this summer, the only things that will never leave you are mosquitoes.

11. What did the first person in the world do to the cows who knew that milk was drinkable?

12. Yes, the cheating in this exam was very successful, and it can have a perfect ending.

13. Either study or travel, both body and soul must be on the road.

14. Forgiving him is a matter of God. My task is to send him to see God!

15. In fact, I worked so hard to gain weight just to occupy more space in your heart.

16. We obviously like each other, but why are we still so embarrassed that we dare not look at each other when we meet?

17. If you are hungry and sleepy, please don’t miss the mosquitoes; if you get entangled with them, you will kill every one of them.

18. Yao Jiaxin was sentenced to death in the first trial. After reading the news, the boss said to us in a serious tone, "Did you see, this is what will happen if you ask for a raise?"

19. Since ancient times, no one has poop in life, and there is no one who poops without paper. If you don't use toilet paper, unless you use your fingers.

20. I finally understand why I have no inspiration, because there is a saying: Love can inspire people.

21. When we were children, we were destined to be princesses. When we grow up, we will be spoiled by our relatives and friends to develop princess diseases.

22. I always feel that in ancient times, the mood of taking off the hijab when getting married was similar to scratching a lottery ticket.

23. It is said that marriage is the tomb of love, so isn’t celebrating a wedding anniversary just like sweeping the tomb?

24. Mosquitoes, when will you evolve to stop sucking blood and only suck fat?

25. Which is more important, the wife or the game? Of course, my wife is more important, so I only dare to play games, not my wife.

26. I forgot to tell you, in fact, I love you very much. I forgot to tell you, in fact, I miss you very much.

27. Indifferent people, thank you for once looking down on me and allowing me to live a more exciting life without bowing my head.

28. At noon on the day of hoeing, mines were buried in the soil. Li Bai came to dance and exploded into two hundred and five.

29. A man’s biggest failure is not that no girls like him, but that girls who have liked him feel that they were blind in the first place.

30. A bitch is a bitch. Even if the economy is in crisis, you can’t afford it.

31. Are we familiar with you? If you have nothing to do, play a video and treat it as your TV. Just press it and someone will appear.

32. I ate quietly, just as I gained weight quietly, and I slept in, but I brought a piece of fat.

33. Narcissism means being a man in the next life and marrying a wife who wants to be like me!

34. Life is really ironic. A person can actually become the person he once most disliked.

35. People who say good night and go to bed are often still upset half an hour later.

36. When the teacher stops talking in the middle of class, it means that a classmate is dead.

37. Parent-teacher conferences and mistresses are of the same nature, aiming to destroy family harmony!

38. There are more than 700 million acnes in a year, and the number of acnes can circle the earth twice.

39. Journey to the West tells us: All monsters with a backing were picked up, and all monsters without a backing were beaten to death with a stick.

40. I am the chewing gum in your hair. If you want to get rid of me, you will have to cut off your hair.

41. They say that the characters in "Xuanwu" have good figures. Let me tell you, if you jump around like that every day, you will also lose weight.

42. When I was a child, I would blush whenever someone stared at me. Now, whenever someone stares at me, I will make him blush.

43. It is said that falling in love affects learning. Doesn’t studying affect falling in love?

44. If I could travel through time and space, I would definitely plant a durian tree in front of Newton’s house.

45. If you are so shameless and heartless, you should be very light.

46. You will never understand my sadness, just like a fat person doesn’t understand why a thin person wants to lose weight.

47. Let me go, what are the fast boys like this year? They look like they are joking with the singers.

48. I think back then, I was also a seed of infatuation, but it was struck by lightning and killed.

49. There are two situations when listening to music: looping a single until you get tired of it, and playing various cuts randomly.

50. It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady, it’s that life has forced me to become a shrew. Those cheap networks

1. Mental patients have broad ideas, and mentally retarded children have a lot of fun

2. Since I blocked you, the Internet speed has become faster! ! !

3. Cheese is power - bacon

4. If you are well, it will be a bolt from the blue.

5. My quilt is sick today, and I have to stay in bed to take care of her.

6. Don’t shock the world with your coquettishness, but try to impress the world with your shamelessness

7. Many people rely on their faces to make a living, but I don’t, I rely on my mouth =. < /p>

10. Do you want the coffin to be straight or sliding?

11. For a girl like me, there is no way I can suppress my beauty without any weight.

12. Computer, don’t do this! Let me go, I am a person with homework! ! !

13. If my life were a movie, you would be the advertisement that popped up

14. I must have been homeless in my previous life, so I ended up living like this in this life.

15. Hello, I am currently away for something, and I will never be able to contact you in this life!

16. I have never met you, I have never met you, I have never met you, but I have passed by you, I have never met you, but I have no chance to know you, life is so wonderful!

17. I like the confident, proud, and beautiful version of myself, but I don’t like the inferior, sad, and unbeautiful version of myself that I am now! I always help others and disgust myself. Why do I suffer so much? It is better to disgust others and help myself.

18. One day, I will get used to your straightforwardness, and you will guess my duplicity. We looked at each other, smiled, held hands, and grew old together.

19. Human life is really short. I really want to cherish the present, but I can’t keep the past!

20. When you are with a person, if the energy he gives you is to make you wake up happy every day, sleep peacefully every night, and be full of motivation in everything you do, If you are full of expectations for the future, then you have not loved the wrong person. The most suitable relationship is never to torture each other in the name of love, but to accompany each other and become each other's sunshine.

21. I hope to have a job that is not boring, to meet a person who is not ugly when I am not very old, to have a leisurely love, and to have a wedding that is not noisy or noisy. , give birth to a lovely baby, live peacefully, and live my not-so-bad life. What I want has always been simple.

22. A person will meet about 29.2 million people in his lifetime, and the probability of two people falling in love is 0.000049. So if you don't love me, I don't blame you.

23. Life is just joking with me again and again. Although it is not a thrilling life, it is still painful for a hundred days.

24. There is no direction in the heart, and there is escape wherever you go.

25. The only thing in the world that cannot be deceived is your own heart. It always exposes your joys and sorrows when you are least careful.

26. Have the courage to give up something for the life you want. There is no justice in this world, and you will never get the best of both worlds. If you want freedom, you have to sacrifice security. If you are idle, you cannot achieve the achievements that others evaluate. If you want to be happy, you don't need to care about the attitudes of people around you. If you want to move forward, you have to leave where you are.

27. When you have no choice and are under too much pressure, remember to smile at yourself in the mirror and say: I'm sorry, you have been wronged by following me, but I will definitely make you happy.

28. Don’t always evaluate your status in the hearts of others. Living in the eyes of others is equivalent to losing yourself.