A hundred jokes, urgent! ! ! ! !

There were two cows eating grass. Cow A asked cow B, "What does your grass taste like?" Cow B replied, "Strawberry flavor." Cow A went over and took a bite and said, "You lied to me!" Niu B said, "Idiot! I said grass has no taste!"

One day Xiao Ming's grandfather brought back a box of sweet potatoes. Later, Xiao Ming was very puzzled, so he asked his grandfather

: Grandpa, you grow sweet potatoes! ?

Grandpa said angrily: You are the only one who grows sweet potatoes!

Xiao Ming was puzzled again, so he ran to the kitchen and asked his mother:

Mom... Grandpa grows sweet potatoes! ?

My mother said angrily: Who said that! You just grow sweet potatoes! Don't talk nonsense! ! !

Xiao Ming is really confused~ What did I say wrong? Grandpa is planting sweet potatoes~ Did I say something wrong?

A few days later, grandpa passed away suddenly~

Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming’s parents, Xiao Ming’s sister and brother were very sad...

So Xiao Ming said in front of his grandfather's grave

: Grandpa, I feel so sorry for you. You have to plant sweet potatoes until they die. How pitiful~ Wow...

Later the crow passed by... quack quack....

Xiao Ming's mother said: Xiao Ming! Why are you so rude! come over!

Xiao Ming replied: Mom~ have you forgotten? A few days ago, grandpa brought a box of sweet potatoes back to plant, and it took a few days for the current situation to appear~ Do you think grandpa is miserable~ I say poor grandpa~

The whole family Person: Speechless...

(This fact tells us, never grow sweet potatoes)

Whatever your identity, you have an identity Proof

Is this a turning point? It's clearly the fracture point.

Counting sheep is something foreigners do because sheep and sleep are homophones, so we should count dumplings

“It is the duty of every citizen to despise you.”

Ziqiao: That was when I was in high school. One day I dreamed that I was taking an exam.

I suddenly woke up after that. Something even more terrifying happened. It turned out that I was really taking an exam. Exam

My advantage is: I am very handsome; but my disadvantage is: I am not very handsome

I am really not a celebrity, I am just a celebrity

A gentleman hides his balls, but a villain hides his penis!

The four great tragedies: drinking soup and peeing on his crotch, peeing and wetting his shoes, shitting torn paper, farting and exploding feces

1 A fish asked the guy next to him: "What kind of fish are you? What is your name? Why do you look so strange?"

The guy next to you said: "First, I am not a fish, I am a human; second, I Call Qu Yuan and I’m going to fucking drown; thirdly, I told you once seven seconds ago to stop fucking bothering me!”

2. A big man in black came to the hotel! Inside, I shouted to the waiter: "Waiter, bring all the good wine and food to me, otherwise, I will kill you!"

"Yes, sir."

As a result, the waiter failed~~~~ because the waiter misunderstood "wine and vegetables" as "leeks".

There is a hide-and-seek club, but their leader has not yet been found.

There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked.

On a hot afternoon, a match head itched, scratched and scratched, and then caught fire. So he went to the hospital to get a bandage, and when he came out, it turned into a cotton swab.

Why doesn’t medium-rare steak say hello to medium-rare? Because they are not familiar with it.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. Banana, who was walking in front, suddenly felt very hot. He said, "It's so hot. I need to take off my clothes." As a result, he peeled off the skin. As a result, the banana behind fell down.

Once upon a time, there was a bun who felt hungry and ate himself while walking on the road. Once upon a time there was a loaf of bread walking down the street. He felt hungry and ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a Marshmallow who went to play golf for a long time. He said, "I'm so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened."

”

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He would pass by a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in the cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! The bird flew over From now on... I thought it was snowing and I was so cold.

Xiao Ming got a new haircut. When he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hair style and laughed: Xiao Ming, what’s your hair style? It's like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved, so he ran outside and cried. As he cried, he flew up.

The fish said: "I keep my eyes open all the time to be with you." Reluctant to leave. "Water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and pick you up properly. "Guo said: "It's almost fucking ripe but it's still so stubborn. ”

Xiaobai is very similar to his brother, do you know why? Because: it really looks like Dabai.

A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. When he was bored, he started to pull out his own penis. Mao Wan, one...two...three...the last one was gone, and then he was so cold.

What is it? Shake and stretch down, what is it? Stretch out four fingers, how many are they? WONDERFUL!

The millionaire is open. When the luxurious Lincoln sedan was passing through a village, he saw two beggars pulling grass to eat. The millionaire stopped the car and said, "Why are you eating grass?" "We really have no money..." replied a beggar. "Really, get in the car and go to my house." "I still have a wife and two children at home..." a beggar muttered. "Call them here." The rich man pointed to the other beggar. "And you, call your family members too." "My family has a large population. In addition to my wife, I have five children." " Another beggar said. "It doesn't matter, call everyone, go quickly! " Just like that, the two beggars and their families got on the bus. Fortunately, it was an extended bus. During the ride, a beggar's wife said gratefully: "Boss, you are so kind. Even for poor people like us, you I can invite you home. The millionaire replied: "Nothing. I just came back from abroad. No one has been taking care of my house. The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high. You can eat as much as you want." ”

Who among the wolf, tiger and lion will definitely be eliminated from the game? Wolf, because: Momotaro (eliminated the wolf).

Once upon a time there was a little lamb. One day he went out to play. Then he met the big bad wolf and said, "I'm going to eat you!" "Guess what happened? As a result, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

One day, the three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the big bad wolf. The big bad wolf didn't After struggling to destroy the thatched house, wooden house, and brick house, the three little pigs ran desperately, but they were still caught up by the big bad wolf. The three little pigs said in despair, you can do whatever it takes. How about you? At this time, the big bad wolf smiled evilly and said with saliva: "Then tell me where is Little Red Riding Hood? ”

The stone fought with the rice cake, and when he was angry, he kicked the rice cake into the sea.

Later, a couple made a private life-long commitment, but the man had to serve in the military abroad. Before leaving, he gave her a ring and agreed to meet here with the ring three years later. Three years later, the woman didn't find the man, so she threw the ring into the sea in sadness. In fact, it was the woman's memory. Wrong place. The man couldn't find the woman after he came back. Suddenly he caught something on the beach. Guess what it was?

Then he caught something. I finally caught a fish and bit something hard. What do you think it was?

A man once fished and caught a squid. Begged him: Let me go! The man said: OK, let me test you a few questions. The squid was very happy and said: You take the test!

This diver’s movements are very difficult. He did a triple turn with a front flip and a triple half with a back flip for a month.

The reason why he doesn’t want to be a teacher:

The best student

When I first started going to class, I liked to go to school smoking.

Especially when you smoke into school, you will attract the attention of many students. A few days after entering the school, several students admired me very much: "Brother, you have such a temper! You dare to smoke into the school. What is your name? We will follow you from now on!" He replied: "My name is teacher!" They suddenly dispersed and I was depressed for 20 minutes!

The most awesome student

I was smoking outside the office that day, and I was enjoying myself. Suddenly my cigarette was snatched away by someone, "Which class are you a student in? You are too brave." He was actually smoking in front of the office!" I was extremely depressed and pulled out two cigarettes. "Come on, teacher! Don't tell the principal!"

The teacher was stunned! Several other teachers laughed so hard that they fell under the table.

The best undercover

When I went to class on the first day, I went very early and went to the classroom to get to know the students. When I came to the classroom, those students were very active. Maybe because I didn't say anything, they thought I was a student who was repeating a grade (am I like that?), so they all came over to please me, hoping that I would protect them in the future. There was even an unlucky student who took out a cigarette and offered it to me. The class bell finally rang. I took out my textbook, walked up to the podium and said, "Class is here, classmates!" The faces of the students below turned cold.

A gentleman's revenge

One day, I was walking and smoking. Suddenly a man ran over and grabbed my cigarette: "Which class are you in? You are so arrogant!" When I saw it was a security guard, I was so angry: "Do you think any student has such courage? I am a teacher!" Security guard! I was depressed, "Teacher so-and-so called me here to arrest him!" When I heard the name, wasn't this my former class teacher? Sure enough, he was laughing not far away. I walked over and he was still laughing and said, "I haven't caught you smoking for three years in high school, and now I finally caught you!"

Examiner: What academic qualifications?

Candidate: Didn’t graduate from elementary school.

Examiner: Have you ever had a fight?

Candidate: It’s commonplace.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: It’s okay. You can knock over the vendor’s tricycle with one kick.

Examiner: Do you dare to take other people’s things?

Candidate: This is my strength, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Do you dare to hit me?

Candidate: Xiaocai, my father made me disabled.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management department needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question, what should I do if something goes wrong?

Candidate: Just say I am a temporary worker.

Examiner: I will go to work tonight

One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding.

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

Car The Master snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?"

The whole car People are laughing!

The bus driver stopped and leaned on the steering wheel laughing!

Two things:

The bus was overcrowded and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG squeezed in from behind the car and wanted to get out of the car. He said to the woman: "Give way and get out of the car."

The woman did not move.

GG stepped on her when he squeezed past.

The woman turned out to be very powerful. She kept scolding: "You are crazy! You are crazy!" She was so loud that the whole car was watching.

GG remained silent. When he got off the car, he couldn't bear it any longer. He turned around and said to the woman: "You're the repeater!"

There were a few funny children behind, who kept talking. Act out the scene just now,

A said: "You are crazy, you!..." B said: "You are a repeater, you..."

Everyone in the car Laughing loudly~!

Later, a little girl also wanted to get out of the car. She squeezed past and said timidly: "I~I~I want to go on, I am not crazy~!"

Everyone in the car Laughing again~!

The woman did not speak, but a word came from the side: "Are you out of battery?"

The whole car burst into laughter~!

Confucius said: If you fight with bricks, it will not lead to chaos! Take a photo! Never die again!

Buddha said; nonsense! My Buddha is compassionate! Don't play too much! A brick is almost dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but the 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt calm all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "Isn't it a shame for an adult to go out without taking anything with him? --"

On Tuesday, I carried a broken wallet , containing 1 cent. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. --"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet. There were 100 counterfeit bills inside. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to hide large-denomination money privately. Please go to the relevant department and hand it in. -- "

Thursday , I took an envelope with a stack of expired Straits Talent Newspaper in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and looked at it. The newspaper had been replaced by the latest Straits Talent News. I took a note with me: "This is the era of consultation. Only by updating information in a timely manner can we seize opportunities and win success." ! -- "

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. When I arrived at the terminal, I still had my phone with an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. --"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in the waistband of my trousers: "I hate you the most when it comes to robberies. You have no technical skills at all! Confiscate the crime tools! --"

On Sunday, I I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn’t squeeze in. While I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found an extra 20 bucks and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for people in our line of work to be exposed to the sun and wind all day long. Here's my 20 bucks." , take a taxi wherever you want to go, please stop teasing us"

One day there were too many people on the bus. It was very hot and stuffy. I don’t know who farted. Now The environment is getting worse. My friend really couldn't bear it, and he didn't know who it was, so there was nothing he could do. Just then, the conductor was asking: "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had an idea and said loudly: "The one who farted didn't buy a ticket!" Suddenly, a very fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly: "I have already bought a ticket!

On July 7, a sculpture was completed in a new building of a university: a girl holding a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The school is open to soliciting donations from students outside the school. Name, and it turned out that many people’s slogans coincided with each other - reading is useless!

The situation of losing bicycles in school is very serious, new cars disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes you are lucky, and the lost bicycles are lost within a few days. It will pop up again. One day, Xiao Jing, a roommate in my dormitory, bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone: "I have the latest lock on this car!" "The next day, Xiaojing returned from her evening self-study with a depressed look. She also held a piece of paper in her hand, which said: Don't think there are no experts here. I borrowed the car and will return it to you in a few days. !

A few days later, the thief actually returned the car. Xiaojing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again.

So I bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and posted a note to the thief: Let's see how you can "borrow" it! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, she found five extra locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: Let's see how you keep riding!

There were three little tadpoles. They went to a restaurant to eat... After waiting for a while, the first dish was served... It was fried frogs..

The three tadpoles all agreed on the same thing. Singing: I don’t want to, I don’t want to, don’t want to grow up...

One day, Cao Cao captured Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them, each of you go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought out an apple. Cao Cao said that if they could put the fruit into their butts, he would let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while, but failed and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes. Cao Cao also said the same thing to him, and Guan Yu began to stuff them... When he stuffed the third grape, Guan Yu suddenly burst into laughter, and the grapes were smashed. was killed. After going down to the underworld, the King of Hell asked Guan Yu: "You are so stupid, why are you laughing? If you don't laugh, you won't die." Guan Yu sighed and said, "I don't want to either! God is jealous of the beauty! When I stuffed the third one, suddenly I saw Brother Liu walking out with a durian in his arms..."

I went to eat at KFC yesterday. The people in line behind me looked like a couple. They ordered a lot of food and then sat down. next to me. After sitting down, the girl began to eat voraciously, as if she had been hungry for several days, while the boy gnawed on the French fries one by one, as if he had something on his mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the fries, moved forward, and asked seriously: "Qingqing, can I chase you?"

The girl said directly without raising her head. : "No!"

The boy asked again: "Isn't it possible at all?"

The girl simply said: "It's not possible at all!"

The boy was stunned, looking straight at her and staying there...

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a burger in the other. She felt that the boy was looking at her, so she stopped eating, and then He looked at the boy with pitiful eyes and whispered: "Then...can I still eat it?"

Everyone next to me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and hurriedly said : "Eat, eat..."

This girl is so cute...If I don't let you chase me, I will chase her...I'll chase her with my life! ! ! !

I have always been restless in school. When I was a freshman, I went to self-study for the first time. I would sit in the classroom and feel depressed, and then I would go to the corridor to smoke.

Not long after I lit my cigarette, a PL girl came and asked, "We are studying in self-study now! Why did you run out?"

I said, I came out to smoke out of boredom. ,MM which class are you in? He ran out anyway.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

I was very excited and said, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed too?

She said: Well, a new student in our class ran out during self-study, and I came out to look for him.

I smiled, but it seems that he still can’t sit still. Why are you looking for him? You are not his mother!

MM: There is no way, I am his class teacher!

I was confused at the time...

A minute later, I held back a sentence: Teacher, you look so young...

My father is a worker in a glass factory , have the habit of wearing gloves when working.

One day after the night shift, he took a taxi home. As the car passed through a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze came. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out his gloves from his pocket and put them on. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously: "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm used to it. , I have to wear gloves every time I work, so that I will not cut myself or leave traces..."

A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on a business trip. .

While dining the first night, the middle-aged man saw a few stains on the edge of the dish and was very worried.

He asked the hotel owner: "This dish doesn't look clean." The boss replied: "Don't worry, the mineral water will make it very clean.

”

Hearing such an answer, the middle-aged man started to eat with great peace of mind.

A week later, the middle-aged man ate in the hotel every day, and had a big meal in the hotel. The dog became familiar with him.

When the middle-aged man walked out of the door, the dog reluctantly chased after him and refused to leave the hotel.

The boss saw it, stepped forward, patted the dog's head, and said softly: "Let the guest go, mineral water." "

The hunter was hunting and saw two birds on the tree. He raised his gun and shot down one. He found that it was a hairless bird. Just as he was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I am As soon as you coaxed her to take off her clothes, you knocked her down.

A certain restaurant kept a parrot hanging at the door and said, "Hello, welcome!" "A regular customer thought: I'll come in quickly and see how you react. One day he ran in without hesitation, and the parrot said: "It's his grandma's! Scared me! ! !

A child laughed loudly after being born in the delivery room. The delivery nurses were very strange. They gathered around and observed that the child had clenched fists. After breaking it open, they found it was an abortion pill. The child said: Damn it! Want to kill me? Not that easy! !

At the end of the performance, the leader came on stage and took the hand of the beautiful Mongolian actress, and kept asking her her name. The actress said excitedly: Malegebi (Damn it!)

Stand higher and see farther; if the water is clear, there will be no fish, and if the people are humble, they will be invincible! Go your own way and let someone else take a taxi. Wear someone else's shoes and let someone else find them.

What is depression? I was beaten three times on one, I was hugged by someone, my wallet was stolen, my wife ran away with someone, the only porridge left at home was sour after smelling it, my eyes rolled up, I went to the hospital for treatment. The car fell into a ditch!

Mooncake fell in love with Mantou and pursued her desperately, but Mantou refused to obey. Mooncake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed Bun: My mother said, your stomach is full of intestines.

One day the hen flew up to the roof, and the owner angrily said, "Come down, if you don't come down I will kill all the roosters here, and your life will be worse than death." The hen laughed and said, "Finally we can." "Going to find ducks."

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese were walking in the desert. As they walked, they saw a bottle, and after opening the cork, a man floated out. The man said: "I am a god, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" The American was the first to say, "My first wish is for a lot of money." The god said: "This is simple and satisfying. You! Tell me about the second wish. "The American said: "I want a lot of money!" After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Bring me home. "The fairy said: "No problem." So the Americans returned to the United States with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy gave him the beautiful woman. The Frenchman said again: "I also want a beautiful woman!" The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The French finally said: "Send me back to France." After the fairy sent the French back to China, he asked the Chinese what they wanted. The Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. The Chinese said: "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The god asked him what his third wish was. The Chinese said: "I miss the French and Americans very much. Please bring them back." The French and Americans were extremely popular, but they had no choice but to continue walking. While walking, I saw another bottle. After opening the stopper, another person appeared. The person said, "I am the younger brother of the fairy just now. My magic power is not as strong as his, so I can only grant two wishes for each of you." France The people and the Americans agreed that it would be better to let the Chinese speak first, lest they come back later. So the Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god fulfilled his wish. The French and Americans urged the Chinese to express their second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, the Chinese said to the gods calmly: "Okay, it's okay, you can go." An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese were exploring in the jungle. As a result, they were all captured by the cannibal tribe.

But the tribal chief said: "I am in a good mood today and I will not eat you, but you will all have to suffer a hundred blows, but before you get a blow, you can have one wish come true." The Americans were the first to suffer the blow. He said: "Before I hit the board, put a cushion on my butt." After putting it on, the boards fell like raindrops. At first, 70 boards were okay, but after 70 boards, the cushion was smashed, and then the boards were bloody... After the beating... , the United States walked away touching its butt. When the Japanese saw this, they asked for 10 mattresses. After 1, 2, 3...100 beatings, the Japanese stood up, patted their butts, and said it was fine; then they boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate, and wanted to sit back and watch the Chinese show. The Chinese slowly lay down and said leisurely: "Come on, put the Japanese on my bed."...