Please leave a funny message, hurry up! ! !

4. In Chinese class, the teacher said that Jin Ping Mei is a masterpiece in the history of China literature, and only professors can borrow it from the library ~ "At this time, a classmate disdained," Who said that? My family has it, and it's also a VCD version! "

My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me and said, "Aunt, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly: "Not small, how small!" My little niece gave me a pathetic look and said, "Nothing, mine is very small ~"

6. I went out for dinner with my new girlfriend last night and suddenly found that I forgot my wallet in the middle of it. Because I just met, I was embarrassed to ask for it, so I blushed and said hesitantly, "I …" Then something unexpected happened! She was wrong and blushed and said shyly, "I love you too ..."

8. At the beginning of military training in freshman year, a boy played military boxing very hard. The instructor said, "Look at how well the family army punches. Let's learn from him! At this time, I only heard the student scold: "Shit! Why is this booger so sticky! "

11.In 2008, the Japanese army raided Shanghai and caught China off guard! After landing, the Japanese army captured 10,000 people in the People's Square, and then shouted with a megaphone: "Say party member inside and let you go!" At this time, everyone pointed to a real estate agent and shouted: "That's him!"

15. The philosophy teacher is a young girl. After the first class, she asked everyone to write some thoughts. A friend left a motto: A woman who is engaged in philosophy is like mixing water with wine and destroying two beautiful things at the same time ... (I love Nankai)

2 1. I bought eggs for breakfast, which are too small to be satisfied. I scolded casually: shameless!

Hearing this, the waiter said discontentedly, Who are you cursing?

Me: hen! This picking and quail love gave birth to your nakano!

22.I: Excuse me, are you the legendary princess of iron fan?

W: Why do you say that?

Me: because ... because ... because I think only Niu Wangmo can match your looks!

Female:-_-! !

29. A high school classmate invited me to attend his wedding. Because I want to go home, I replied, "I'm so busy recently, it's all worldly things! I'm sorry I can't attend. Well, I will definitely attend next time! "

33. Some sweet potato leaves have been planted at home for a week. I just watered it tonight, and my mother poured it again. I stepped forward to stop, only to hear my mother keep saying, "I'll eat you tomorrow, so you can feed yourself today ..."

38. Classmate: "How much is 2 (air conditioning)?"

Operator: "4799."

Classmate: "What about 1.5?"

Operator: "2500."

Classmate: "Oh, what about Chunlan?"

The operator resisted for a long time and said, "Sorry, this is Haier's monopoly!" " ! "

4 1. In the train compartment, a little girl pulled a suitcase to my feet. She looked back at me. Of course, I was going to hear "I'm sorry", but the little girl said, "Bah! Luo is dead ~ "

43. When several people in the dormitory were discussing job hunting at night, they found that every good company has requirements for oral English, but everyone's oral English is not good, so in order to improve their oral English, everyone agreed to chat in English at night from now on. As a result, no one spoke that night ...

45. A student played a trick on a stuttering child: "If you get out of the way, I'll buy you a bag of melon seeds to eat!"

Stuttering child: "Even if you buy me ten bags of melons … melons … melon seeds, I won't bark like a duck!" " ! ! "

46. Senior three Chinese practice couplets: the morning glow welcomes the rising sun, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

A buddy is the most ruthless: rosy clouds greet the rising sun, and Theory of Three Represents talks about warming the world! (The political teacher was moved to tears on the spot ...)

60. I was poor at math in primary school. I remember that one day the math teacher assigned homework, and there was a question that was 3 to the second power. I thought it was 3×2, so I wrote 6 with a stroke of a pen, and the result can be imagined. When I handed out my homework the next day, the teacher approved a red cross and asked me to correct it, but I really couldn't figure out what was wrong, so I changed it and wrote the answer as 6. The teacher gave me a red cross without mercy. After going back and forth three or four times, the teacher finally couldn't stand it. He called me to my office and repeatedly explained to me, "How many times does a number multiply itself?"? For example, the quadratic of 3 is 3×3, and the cubic of 3 is 3×3×3. " I will never forget it! Later, in the final exam, there was a fill-in-the-blank question like this: the hundredth power of 1 is equal to (). I remembered what the teacher usually taught me. Do you think the teacher is too cruel? But it didn't beat me. I took out a piece of toilet paper and turned it over and over again ... finally, at the 83rd time, the math teacher came. He stood behind me and saw that I was seriously multiplying 1 by 1. Seeing this, he quickly stepped onto the platform and said, "Students, there is a wrong question. Now correct it, that 65438. " "I was shocked and fainted immediately. ...

7 1. A Japanese worked hard for more than half a month and finally rowed from Japan Island to Diaoyu Island. With tears in his eyes, he took out his mobile phone with trembling hands and prepared to declare Guinness World Records. As a result, he turned on his mobile phone and read it. It read: China, China, China and Japan are not welcome!

8 1. I took a taxi with my friends to meet a net friend. After arriving, my friend pointed to an ugly woman not far away and said to the driver, "Did you see that woman?"

"See, stop here?"

"No, kill her! ! ! "

85. The professor asked his female doctor with concern: "Is the recent subsidy enough? Go and buy some nice clothes to wear when you go out to play. By the way, did you two find BF? In a couple of days, when the doctoral students have a second interview, you will all come. Whichever one you look at, just nod to me and I'll accept them! "

86. Send a short message to my classmates: I have always wanted to ask you something seriously. Can you promise to tell me the truth?

He replied (seriously): Go ahead, what is it?

Me: Do you regret molesting Chang 'e in the sky?

He: #% ...% #% #!

99. A student pre-selected the courses for the next semester online. The new course selection system shows the following contents: "Hello, classmate, please enter your student number and press # to end, press 5 for quitting school, press 6 for suspending school, and press 7 for resuming school." Driven by strong curiosity, he pressed "5", and then the system replied: "Quit school successfully!" His face suddenly changed with fear! At this time, a hope appeared in his mind. Didn't there just be "please press 7 to resume school"? So he pressed "7", only to see the system reply: "Sorry, non-students are not allowed to use the system!"

professor

"I brought a frog today," the professor of zoology said to the students. "I just came from

Caught it in the pond. In this lesson, we will dissect frogs. "

He took out a paper box and opened it carefully. There is a ham sandwich in the box.

"Strange," the professor was very surprised. "I clearly remember having lunch together.

Lie down and talk.

One night, a boy's dormitory slept until three o'clock in the morning and suddenly wanted to discuss a question: "I met someone."

Pretty girl, what should I say first? A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking and let's go to bed!" " "

cheat

"Polonius was fired for cheating."

"What's the matter?"

"In the physical examination, he counted his ribs and was found."

Teacher Tsinghua.

A young teacher in Tsinghua loves mahjong. Once, he played mahjong all night. Play mahjong at 7:40 the next morning.

There is a class. He got off the mahjong table at 7: 30 and hurried to the fourth teacher's class. It happened that the student on duty that day didn't clean the blackboard.

He shouted, "Who is that farmer?" The students on duty did not dare to answer, so they had to clean themselves, but

Unable to find the eraser, he shouted again, "Where did you put the whiteboard?" .....

This is a Chinese class. When talking about new words, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.

Then he said, "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red middle on it. "

taste

The Chinese teacher was very angry when he found Zhang San sleeping in class. He woke Zhang San up and asked: How do you sleep in class?

However, Zhang San refused to admit to sleeping.

Zhang San: I didn't sleep.

Teacher: Then why do you close your eyes?

Zhang San: Teacher, I am reading the text silently.

The teacher didn't believe me and said, then why do you nod straight?

Zhang San: Teacher, you speak very well.

The teacher still didn't believe it and said, then why are you drooling?

Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.

Every day has a good turn for the better.

The teacher asked two students, "Did you do good things every day today? 」

The two students said in unison, "Yes! 」

The teacher asked, "What did you do? 」

Student: "We helped an old lady cross the street. 」

Teacher: "Well, it's fine, but why do you need two people to help an old lady cross the street?" 」

Student: "Because the old lady doesn't want to cross the road. 」

I see

When the school travels once a year, boys and girls in junior high school always come to play separately because of their different interests. Girls wear it.

Walking around in a bathing suit, showing yourself and enjoying the sunshine. The boy rolled up his trousers and caught it in the water.

Fish.

A teacher who looked after these children sighed, "I don't remember when I was in junior high school, were girls like this?"

Mature. "

"Sure, but you are busy catching small fish!" Another teacher said drily.

In class, a classmate is reading cartoons.

The teacher found out and asked, what are you doing?

"I'm looking for something. 」

"Looking for? 」

"Look, look ..."

The students next door answered and made excuses.

History teacher: Why did you leave early?

Barry: I have an important appointment.

History teacher: Is history more important or girlfriend more important?

Barry: If I'm late again, she'll be history! ! !

History teacher: @ # # $%%

surface tension

Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman walked by.

The old biochemist saw the dementia expression on his colleague's face.

She said, like us, more than 75% is water.

Colleagues still look stupid and say, yes, but look at the surface tension!

Team coach

This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in America. Some players never study, but neither does the university.

I want to graduate, and then I can join the professional basketball team to play nba. After retiring, I often go back to my alma mater as a team coach.

There is a student (let's call him Jordan) who will graduate soon, but calculus can't pass anyway, so he can't graduate and play nb.

Ah! So he asked his coach, who is also the coach of the school team, to intercede for him.

Coach: "Professor, please let Jordan live. The nba has been waiting for him for a long time! 」

Professor: "All right! Since the coaches have come to intercede, I will give you one last chance. "

"How much is one plus one? 」

Jordan immediately replied without thinking, "Two."

Coach: "Professor, please give him another chance! 」

Remember to brush your teeth! !

One day in the biological experiment, I observed my saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them. Just when everyone was in high spirits.

I screamed when I carefully observed and studied. Ah ~ it was originally sent by the beauty teaching assistant ... the professor thinks it happened.

What happened, so he ran to look at her microscope. After that, he told her: remember to brush your teeth next time you finish your work.

Rinse your mouth! !

Sex, teaching and education.

One day. Xiaoming came home from class very sadly.

Mom asked Xiaoming: What's the matter?

Xiao Ming replied: Xiaohua in the class knows where he is from. But I don't even know

Mom thinks it's time to tell Xiaoming about the relationship between men and women and make a correct sex education by the way.

Mother began to tell Xiaoming that boys fell in love with girls. Then get married ... also mentioned how sperm meet eggs.

Mother told Xiaoming everything she knew.

When my mother finished the satisfactory teaching.

Xiao Ming is still at a loss. Look at mom. A little tears dripping from the corner of my eye said:

Xiaohua said that he came from Yilan. But after listening to my mother, I still don't know where I come from.

In class, a teacher is introducing Japanese surname habits to students.

She said: "If there is the word" Taro "in the Japanese name, then he must be the eldest son, if there is one in his name.

The word' Jiro', then he must be the second son ... Next, who can give a Japanese such a name? "

A student stood up and answered loudly: Isoroku Yamamoto.

The teacher was giving a lecture when a little boy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I want to shit."

The teacher told the students, "You can say it in another civilized way."

The student thought for a moment and said, "teacher, my ass wants to vomit."

A student asked the teacher how to write the word dung, but the teacher forgot for a moment and had to say:

"It's on my lips. Why can't I get out?"

My brother is in the fourth grade of primary school. He is so fat that people often make fun of him.

One day, the teacher asked one of their classmates to start writing down "what they do for their family every day" in the contact book.

My brother couldn't figure it out, so my mother had to help him fill it out. She is in the address book.

I wrote: "Help my family eat every day. 」

The teacher's comment is: "I can see that you are working hard!" 」

The way men think.

High flyers Miller, an agronomy major in a university, returned to his hometown in the summer vacation. A neighbor's wife wanted to raise chickens and get rich, so she came to ask him about Miller's research.

All kinds of data such as chicken house and chicken food told her that it is more appropriate to raise about 30 hens and one or two cocks. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wants to see it.

See how his "idea" works. But he froze in front of the henhouse. There are 30 hens and 30 big cocks in it. "too.

Similarly, it only takes one or two cocks to raise 30 hens. Too many cocks can't lay eggs, but waste food. ""You mean, let one or two?

How many hens does a rooster have? "The neighbor's wife blushed and said yes. ""that's just what you men think, I won't do it! "

begin

At the graduation ceremony, the headmaster announced that the first student in the whole grade came to the stage to receive the prize, but after several consecutive phone calls, that

Only a few students walked slowly onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the students, "What's the matter? Are you sick? still

Didn't hear you clearly just now? The student replied, "No, I'm afraid other students didn't hear you clearly. 」

What is courage? ...

They taught us what courage is in the mid-term exam of the philosophy department of a university. A student is on the test paper.

Write "this is it" and hand it in ... and get an A. ...

Theory of relativity

One day, Xiao Ming ran into the classroom, stood up again and left the classroom. The teacher turned around.

Seeing Xiaoming's back ... the teacher began to curse. Say … Now people are becoming less and less aware of the benefits of reading …

... the teacher went on to say ... OK ... He didn't attend my class ... I pawned him ... The teacher asked the monitor, what did you learn just now?

What's this student's name ... the monitor said ... he's in the next class ... just in the wrong classroom. ...

Jokes in the dormitory

I have a classmate who never buys toilet paper himself, but always goes to someone else to get it when he uses it. I took one at my house.

I saw it in toilet paper. I said to him angrily, why do you always use my toilet paper? Won't you buy it yourself? He hey

Hey, Yi Le said, Don't be so stingy! Isn't it just a little toilet paper I'll give it back to you when I'm finished!

2> One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest. He came forward and said, I'm Liu Hongtao, and the foreign guest said, I'm still Fang Qi.

3> Master has a rule that when family members and helpers give birth to children, they must be named by him and what they are doing.

Say its name. His people are noble, and his helpers are humble.

One morning, his helper daughter-in-law gave birth to a son and asked him to name him. When he tried to relieve himself, he called himself an "ass".

In the afternoon, his own wife also gave birth to a son. He is shaving his head and naming it "Skull". Later, the donkey died, and his

Skeleton is seven years old. When the helper saw the "skull", he couldn't help crying at the thought of his son! That day happened to be an old moneymaker.

One day, the old man asked him why he wanted to cry.

The helper replied, "I remember if my ass were still there, it would be as big as my master's skull."

4. Passenger: Miss, why is it so smelly in your plane?

Stewardess: Sir, because our plane is crossing the ozone layer. ...

On the plane, the flight attendant is collecting the dishes, and most passengers hand in the dishes for the flight attendant to collect.

A passenger by the window was indifferent and couldn't reach by car, so he said to him, "Would you please pass me the plate?"

The passenger said proudly, "Are you a waiter or am I a waiter?"

The stewardess replied, "I am a waiter, but I am not a gibbon!" " "

Passenger: Miss, put my luggage up!

Stewardess: Excuse me, sir. I can't lift it alone. Do you want to join us?

G: aren't you an angel? ! The angel still can't put it up? !

Stewardess: Sir, even if you are a god, can you put it on my angel? !

7. The flight attendant was serving meals when he approached a passenger and asked, "Sir, we have chicken rice and fish rice. Which one do you want? "

The passenger replied: "ribs!"

The stewardess repeated it, but the passenger still replied, "ribs!" " "

Then the stewardess asked, "We have chicken ribs and fish ribs. Which do you prefer? "