▇█▇▆200 ▄ ▃ ▂ ▁ Collect English jokes ▁▂▃▄200 ▅ ▆ ▇.

The librarian walked up to the noisy little boy. "Please be quiet!" She warned. "People near you can't read!"

"They can't?" The young man said curiously. "Then what are they doing here?"

Miao Wen

The librarian went to find the uneasy boy. "Please be quiet!" She warned. "People around you can't read books!"

"Can't you see?" The child asked curiously. "Then what are they doing here?"

An energetic wife

Neighbor: I heard a lot of noise in front of your house last night. What's the matter with you?

Husband: Nothing. My wife was a little unhappy and threw my coat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your coat? But how can it make such a sound?

Husband: I ... I happened to be in my coat.

An energetic wife

Neighbor: I heard a loud noise in front of your house last night. What's the matter with you?

Husband: Nothing. My wife was a little unhappy and threw my coat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your coat? Why is there such a loud noise when throwing a coat?

Husband: I ... I happen to be wearing a coat, too.

3. Satisfactory substitutes

A neighbor boy knocked at the door.

"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" He asked.

"I'm sorry, but Timmy is taking a nap," Timmy's mother replied.

"Can Timmy's new bike come out to play?" He asked hopefully.

Satisfactory replacement

The neighbor's boy knocked at the door.

"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" He asked.

"Sorry, Timmy is taking a nap," Timmy's mother replied.

"Can Timmy's new bike come out to play?" He asked hopefully.

Step 4 be more experienced

"Your honor," the defendant's lawyer for the hit-and-run driver defended, "the injured man must have been careless. My client is a driver with more than 20 years of experience. "

"If experience is the key," retorted another lawyer, "my client has been walking for more than 50 years.

More experienced.

"Your honor," said the lawyer of the accused getaway driver, "the injured person must have been careless. My client is a veteran with more than 20 years of driving experience. "

"If the problem here is experience," said another lawyer, "my client has been working for more than 50 years."

5. it's not difficult

Duck hunters have been waiting for hours, only for some ducks to appear. Finally, a lonely duck flew by, and everyone missed it except a hunter who was drinking whiskey.

His friend asked him exactly how he hit that thing.

"It's easy," he replied. "You should be able to hit something when such a large flock of birds pass by."

It's not difficult at all.

Duck hunters waited for hours for ducks to appear. Finally, a lonely duck flew over. No one came except one who drank a bottle of whisky.

His companion asked him how he took it.

"It's not difficult at all," he replied. "Such a large group of people can always bump into something when they fly over."

6. Vice President

A man who has just been promoted to vice president boasted so much to his wife that she finally retorted, "vice presidents are a dime a dozen." Why, in the supermarket, they even have a vice president in charge of plums. "

The angry husband called the supermarket to refute his wife. He asked to speak to the vice president in charge of plums.

"What kind?" This is the answer. "Fresh or dry?"

vice-president

The husband who was just promoted to vice president boasted to his wife, who finally retorted, "Vice presidents buy a dozen for a dime. You see, there is even a vice president in charge of plums in the supermarket. "

The angry husband immediately called the supermarket to refute his wife. He asked to speak to the vice president in charge of plums.

"Who cares?" The other party replied. "Fresh goods or dry goods?"

7. Smart customers

The butcher put the last piece of barbecue on the scale. "The total is $3.95," he told the customer.

"That's too small."

The shrewd butcher put the barbecue back in the refrigerator, stopped for a while, and then took it out again. "This one," he announced, "will be $4.80."

The customer smiled and said, "I want both."

Smart customer

The butcher put the last piece of barbecue on the scale. "3 yuan is 95 cents," he said to the customer.

"This piece is too small."

The cunning butcher put the barbecue back in the refrigerator, and after a while, took it out again. "Well," he shouted, "4 yuan is 80 cents."

The customer smiled and said, "I want both."

8. suddenly realize

When visiting a modern art gallery, two teenagers found themselves alone in a modern sculpture room. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass and chaotic shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us of destroying this place."

suddenly realize

Two teenagers went to visit a contemporary art gallery and found that there were only two of them in the exhibition hall of a modern sculpture. Looking at twisted iron pipes, broken glass and messy shapes, one of them said, "Let's go out, and don't let people think that we have ruined this place."

9. Full name

"Rosalie, do you know the name of the little boy sitting behind you?" Mother asked the first-year students.

"His name is Jimmy," Rosalie answered.

"Which Jimmy?" Mother asked.

"His full name is Jimmy Heaton," Rosalie said. "That's what the teacher calls him."

full name

Rosalie, do you know the name of the little boy sitting behind you? Mother asked her daughter in grade one.

"His name is Jimmy," Rosalie answered.

"Jimmy what?" Mom asked.

"His full name is Jimmy. Sit down, "Rosalie said. "That's what the teacher called him."

10. It's not that bad.

"It looks like a storm is coming," said the hostess. "You'd better stay for dinner."

"Oh, thank you," the guest said absently, "but I don't think it's that bad."

That's not true.

"It looks like a storm," said the hostess. "You'd better stay for dinner."

"Thank you," the guest replied absently, "but I don't think so."

1 1. The result of laziness

A teacher asked a class to write an article about "the result of laziness"

What a clever but lazy boy in the class, because his composition is just a blank sheet of paper.

The result of laziness

The teacher asked the students to write a composition entitled "the result of laziness"

A boy in the class is lazy and clever. All he handed in was a blank sheet of paper.

12. Only one person can answer.

His name is Johnny. One day, he came home from school and looked miserable. His mother was worried. "What's the matter?" She finally asked. Johnny took out a teacher's note from his trousers pocket, which read: "Johnny is a very naughty boy." Please have a serious talk with him. "

"What did you do?" Mother asked.

"Nothing," Johnny sobbed. "It's just that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it."

"Well," mother murmured, "what's the problem?"

"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer?" Johnny replied.

Only he can answer.

One day, Johnny came home from school, and his face was particularly ugly. His mother was very worried. "What's the matter?" She asked. Johnny took out a teacher's note from his trouser pocket, which read: "Johnny is a very naughty boy, please talk to him seriously."

"What did you do?" Mom asked.

"Nothing," Johnny sobbed. "It's just that the teacher asked a question and only I can answer it."

"Well," mother mused, "what's the problem?"

"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer?" Johnny replied.

13. What did Lincoln do?

Father: Get up, son. Do you know what Lincoln was doing when he was your age?

Son: No, Dad, I don't know. But I know what he was doing when he was your age.

What is Lincoln doing?

Father: Son, get up quickly. Do you know what Lincoln was doing at your age?

Son: No, but I know what he was doing when he was your age.

14. Good answer

When interviewing an applicant for a driver position, a man said, "Now, I want a very cautious driver, a driver who doesn't take any risks."

The applicant replied, "I am your man, sir." Can I get my salary in advance? "

Miaoda

When interviewing the driver, the examiner said, "What I need is a very careful driver who never takes any risks."

The applicant replied, "Sir, I am just the person you want. Can I advance my salary? "

15. hint

One night, a stingy gentleman left a luxurious dinner club and walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car gracefully and said happily, "By the way, sir, if you happen to lose your wallet on your way home, please remember that you didn't take it out here."

suggestion

One night, when leaving a luxurious restaurant club, a stingy gentleman swaggered past the waiter without tipping.

Nevertheless, the waiter sent the man to the car smartly and said happily, "By the way, if you happen to lose your wallet on your way home, remember that you didn't find it here."

16. Good reason

First mechanic: Which do you prefer, leather or fabric for car interior?

Second mechanic: I like cloth. Leather is too hard to wipe your hands.

Good reason

Repairman A: What kind of car cover do you prefer, leather or chemical fiber?

Repairman b: chemical fiber. Leather hands are too hard to wipe.

17. Postage

If the world is really getting smaller, why do they keep raising postage?

postage

If the world is really getting smaller and smaller, then why is the postage always rising?

18. Stupid action

The teacher asked his students to write an article telling them what they would do if they had one million dollars. Every student started writing at once except Willie.

Willie sat idly, fingering and looking at the flies on the ceiling.

"What's going on, Willie?" The teacher asked. "Is this your paper? Other students have written two or more, and you have done nothing! "

"Well," Willie replied, "if I had a million dollars, I would do it!"

sign

The teacher asked the students to write a composition about what they would do if they had $6.5438+0 million. All the students wrote at once, but Willie didn't.

He sat there in a daze, rubbing his fingers and staring at the flies on the ceiling.

"What's the matter, Willie?" The teacher asked. "You just wrote a composition? Other students have written more than 2 pages, and you have done nothing! "

"Yes," Willie replied, "if I had $ 654.38+0 million, it would be like this."

19. Reasons

A mother asked her son who had just returned from a car wash program of a youth group, "What's the minimum wage that others pay you?"

He replied, "A man only gave us fifty cents."

His mother said, "That's not much."

"I know," he explained, "but maybe it's because we washed his car before the window rolled up."

cause

After the son came back from the youth car wash group, his mother asked, "How much is it at least?"

He replied, "A man only gave 50 cents."

Mom said, "Not much."

"I don't know much," explained the son. "Maybe it's because we started flushing before he rolled up the window."

20. Typical

A wife told her neighbor that she and her husband went fishing, "I did everything wrong on the trip." I speak too loudly, I make too much noise, I use the wrong bait, I take in the line too fast, and I catch more fish than him. "

typical

A wife is talking to her neighbor about her fishing trip with her husband: "I made mistakes along the way." I speak too loudly and noisily. I used the wrong bait and hooked it in the morning, but I caught more fish than him. "

2 1. Like him

"I think the baby likes you," the visitor said to the new father.

"Do you like me? Why, when I am not at home, he sleeps all day and stays up all night to enjoy my company, "replied the proud father."

agree with

"It seems that the baby likes you," the guest said to the owner of the new father.

"Do you like it? Yes, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home, and then stays up all night to let me stay with him, "replied the proud father." "

22. Long time

Greta garbo was invited to a dinner party in Hollywood, and so was Dr Albert Einstein. While eating, Greta had some vague ideas about the identity of Dr. Einstein. She turned to him and said, "Doctor, I know you have a great theory. Would you please explain it to me? "

"My dear lady," Einstein said, "I'm afraid there isn't enough time to explain the theory of relativity at dinner, but maybe I can tell you the law of gravity, which is a real prerequisite. "

So Dr. Einstein continued to tell her about gravity and its consequences. At the end of his speech, Greta seemed very moved and said to him, "Well, for God's sake, doctor, how long has this been going on? "

long-term

Greta garbo was invited to a Hollywood dinner, and Dr Albert Einstein also attended. Graeter had a vague impression of Dr. Einstein's identity, so she turned to him during the dinner and said, "Doctor, it seems that you have a great theory." Can you explain it again? "

Einstein said, "dear lady, I'm afraid there is not enough time to explain the theory of relativity at present." But maybe I can tell you something about the law of gravity, which is actually a premise. "

Then Dr. Einstein began to explain the phenomenon of gravity and its consequences to her. After listening to the explanation, Gleiter seemed very inspired and said to him, "God, doctor, how long has this been happening?"

23. Unfair

Two fishermen are sitting on the bridge, their lines are in the water, and they bet who will catch the first fish. One of them bit his fishing line. He was so excited that he fell off the bridge.

"Oh, well," said another, "if you want to dive for them, the bet is off!"

unfair

Two fishermen are sitting on the bridge, their lines are floating in the water, and they bet to see who can catch the fish first. One of them found that the fish had bitten the hook and fell off the bridge because of excitement.

"Well," said another, "if you fish in the water, you can't make this bet!"

24. Football

The Englishman watched an American football match for the first time, and he saw one of the teams fighting into a ball.

"What do you think?" Asked his American friend.

"It's not a bad sport," he said, "but they have too many committee meetings."

Rugby

An Englishman watched a football match for the first time and found one of the teams crowded together.

"What do you think?" Asked his American friend.

"It's a good sport," he commented. "It's just that they have too many meetings."

25. Doctors and mechanics

Dr. Smith called his mechanic Mike in the middle of the night and said, "Mike, there is something wrong with my engine again." I can't start it. That car is a real headache! "

"Well, doctor, take two aspirin and call me tomorrow morning."

Doctors and repairmen

Dr. Smith called his car mechanic Mike in the middle of the night and said, "Mike, it's my car engine again." I can't start it, this car is really a headache! "

"Well, doctor, take two aspirin and call me tomorrow morning."

26. Walk the dog

The little boy is bravely leading a big furry dog. "Where are you taking him?" Someone asked him.

"I don't know yet," the young man replied, "but when he decides where to go, I'll take him."

walk the dog

A little boy is imitating an adult, struggling to lead a long-haired dog. "Where are you taking it?" Someone asked him.

"I don't know yet," replied the child, "but if the dog has decided where to go, I will take it."

27. Who is for whom

The little boy was depressed about the size of the Newfoundland dog he got as a birthday present. He wanted to know, "Does it belong to me or do I belong to it?"

Who gave it to whom?

The little boy got a Newfoundland dog on his birthday. The size of the dog startled him and asked, "For me or for me?"

28. Confidentiality

"Have you and your wife never disagreed?"

"Of course we know-but I didn't tell her."

keep secret

"Have you and your wife never disagreed?"

"Of course-but I won't tell her."

29.strangers

A young mother put her two children to bed, then put on an oversized sweatshirt and an old pair of jeans and began to wash her hair. During the whole process of washing her hair, she could hear the children becoming more and more wild and noisy.

She finished it as quickly as possible, wrapped her head in a big towel, rushed into the children's room, severely warned them to stay there, and then put them back to bed.

When she left, she heard her two-year-old son say to his brother in a trembling voice, "Who is that?"

stranger

The young mother put her two children on the bed, put on a big undershirt and an old pair of jeans, and began to wash her hair. Just as she poured shampoo on her head, she heard two little guys getting more and more fierce.

She washed her hair in a hurry, wrapped in a big towel, rushed into the children's room, put them back to bed, and severely warned them to stay there.

When she left, she heard her two-year-old child ask her brother in a trembling voice, "Who is that?"

30.inflation

"With the rising food prices, my shopping habits have changed," commented the housewife. "Now I fill my shopping cart with money and put my food in my wallet."

inflation

"My shopping habits have changed since food prices went up," commented the housewife. "Now I use shopping carts to load money and use money to package food."

33. sales promotion

The sales manager was approached by some girl scouts selling cookies. "Why did you want to see me?" He asked.

"Because you are so handsome," a little girl said with a smile.

He bought a box of 12, went back to his desk and muttered, "There is no smarter sales tool than truth."

salesmanship

Several girl scouts selling cakes found the sales manager. He asked, "Why did you want to see me?"

"Because you are handsome," a little girl said with a smile.

He bought 12 boxes, went back to his desk and said to himself, "Nothing is smarter than telling the truth."

35.accurate

He found that his secretary had revised a sentence in a letter he dictated.

"I don't want you to think," roared the great man. "I want you to write down my words accurately and then type them out, without adding or omitting anything I might say."

In the late afternoon, the typist brought back the following letter:

"Dear Smith: Spell it with" Y ",even though it is purely his show-off. Regarding your letter of, please check the date. We can quote you.-Tell me, Walter, what can we accuse this old vulture of at most? It's good. We can quote you $50 per ton. If he accepts, we must confirm our money in advance, because I don't trust him. Waiting for your precious order, yours faithfully. "

precise

He found that the secretary had adjusted the sentence of a letter he dictated.

"I don't need your deliberation," roared the great man. "I just need you to write down my words accurately and type them-don't add or delete anything in what I say."

In the afternoon, the typist sent back the following letter:

"Dear Smith: Change' rice' to' rice', only he likes to show off. I'm replying-check the date-letter. We can make you an offer-tell me, Walter, what's the highest price we can give this greedy old bug? It's good. We can quote you $50 per ton. If he accepts, we must make sure to get the money first, because I don't trust him. Waiting for good news. You are sincere. "

38. This changed him.

"I'm glad to find you are you," said the old friend. "Your wealth has not changed you."

"Well," the frank millionaire replied, "it changed me one thing. I am now' eccentric' in the rude places in the past and' humorous' in the rude places in the past. "

change

"I'm glad you're still the same," said the old friend. "Your wealth has not changed you."

The straightforward millionaire replied, "It has changed a little: the rudeness in the past has now become' different', and the rudeness in the past has now become' smart'."

39.major

The first surgeon (leaving the operating room): That was close!

Second surgeon: What do you mean?

First surgeon: If I move an inch in any direction, I will be out of my field.

primary

The first surgeon (about to leave the operating room): What a mystery!

Second surgeon: What's the matter?

The first surgeon: No matter where it exceeds 1 inch, I'm not within my professional scope.

40. A question

The new pastor's family received a pie, which was baked by a congregation who was not good at cooking. The pie was inedible, so the priest's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.

The missionary is faced with a problem, both thanking the lady and being honest. After careful consideration, he issued the following attention:

Dear Mrs Jones, thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I can assure you that pies like yours won't stay in our house for long! "

have a headache

The new pastor received a pie gift, which was baked by the parish 1 a person with poor skills. The pie can't be eaten, so the priest's wife has to throw it into the trash can.

The problem facing the priest is to thank the lady and tell the truth at the same time. After racking his brains, he sent this note:

Dear Mrs Jones, thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I can assure you that pies like you have never been put in my house! "

42. Her prayers

Louis, a little girl born in a carefree family, went to live with a very strict aunt for a few days.

One night, after a hard day of being blamed more than usual for her little mistakes, she said evening prayers. When my aunt passed the bedroom door, she heard, "... please make all the bad guys better and make the good guys easier to get along with."

Her prayers

Louise, a little girl who once lived a carefree life, went to her home with strict menstruation for a few days.

One day, she was reprimanded more than usual for some small things. After a hard day's work, she said evening prayers. When menstruation passed by the door of her bedroom, she heard: "... please make all the bad guys better, and the good guys better."