Ask for 300 jokes

1. The headmaster and English teacher visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Teachers and students!"

English teacher: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher: ... = = "Sweat.

2. It is said that there is a polar bear, because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around on the ground with his eyes closed and crawls until his hands and feet are dirty. Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

3. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice. When he was really bored, he began to pluck his hair, one, two, three, and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that passed through a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas ~

One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout out what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want. So the three of them decided to have a try.

The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! " The next jump is really full of beautiful women waiting for him.

The second is a bookworm, shouting "Book Book Book Book Book Book!" Then, jump into the valley and get books full of pits and valleys.

The third kind is an indecisive person, who can't decide what he likes after thinking about it. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful thing, so he went to the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and scolded, "Shit!" Unexpectedly, an unstable center of gravity fell into the valley.

9. What about Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

10. The panda loves the deer deeply, but it is rejected when expressing its love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers.

1 1. One day, Xiao Ming was walking on the road. I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon!

12. Which Chinese character is the coolest? Thong (cool)

The towel said to the coin, son. If you put on a doctor's hat, you will be worth a hundred times.

The "ruler" said to "do": Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins.

The minister said to the giant: the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls.

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student that there were ten birds in the tree and one was shot dead. How much is left?

The student asked: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 80- 100 decibel. Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Of course. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "Will you just tell me how many birds are left?" Are there some deaf birds in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? No, if a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in its belly? Not exactly. Are there any flowers in the bird swatter's eyes? There are no flowers, only ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any stupid birds that are not afraid of death? Fear of death. Would you kill two with one shot? No, the student said confidently, if your answer is not a lie, "if the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, there is only one left." If it falls, there will be none left. " . The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone passed a crossroads and found something super scary. He found Kakashi and the Monkey King laughing! `

15. Once upon a time, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Ha ha ha, a female ghost farted to death.

16. A fat man jumped from a tall building and became a dead fat man.

17. A potholed man was crossing the road, but he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I was stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

18. Little snake asked Brother Snake in a panic .. "Brother, are we poisonous?" The snake said, "Why do you ask?" The little snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now."

19. Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf. The wolf said: I want to eat you! ! ! Guess what happened? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

20. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was cold, his heart was cold, his sword was cold, and finally he died of cold.

2 1. A deer ran faster and faster on the road and turned into a highway.

22. One tomato was smashed by a stone, another tomato was smashed, another tomato was smashed, countless tomatoes were smashed, and the last tomato fell! ketchup

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

24. One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up. Whatever. At this moment, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

25. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

27. Two counterfeiters inadvertently created counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.

28. Someone's newly-installed phone has just been rented out by the cinema, so people often call to ask about the movies being shown. At the beginning, he always explained politely that this phone is no longer his, so please don't call again. After a long time, he also felt annoyed and simply said, "You have the wrong number!" " This will also save some saliva. One day, a familiar voice came from the other side: "What movie is showing now?" As usual, he said, "You have the wrong number!" After a moment of silence, the other party replied, "Is it a domestic film or a foreign film?

29. A man climbed over the wall and went out of the school gate, and was caught by the headmaster. The headmaster asked: Why not go from the school gate? Answer: Meters, Bang Wei and Bang Wei don't take the usual road. The headmaster asked again: how did such a high wall cross over? He pointed to his trousers and said, Li Ning, anything is possible.

The headmaster asked again: What's it like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, Xtep, it feels like flying. The next day he entered the school from the main entrance, and the principal asked, why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a gangster costume. The headmaster said: You can't wear a gangster costume! He said, you are what you wear, Mason. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school, and the principal said that he could not wear a vest to school. He said, man, simple is good, love fort clothes. The headmaster said I would give you a bigger score. He said: Why? The headmaster said, M-Zone, my site is my decision.

Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery. As a result, he didn't know what he had become. Oh, 4,000 yuan.

3 1. Notice to robbers: Our staff only know Spanish, so please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring an interpreter. Thank you!

32.are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard.

34. Tourist: Master, is that straw house over there a toilet? Monk: Except that thatched cottage, all the places are toilets.

35. Without hair, dandruff is more prominent!

We should keep quiet when listening to the sermon in the church. It is impolite to disturb others' sleep.

I signed up for a weight-loss training class yesterday, and they asked me to wear loose clothes when training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

38. My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I haven't had a chance to interrupt her.

39. thief a: count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow.

40. Stand higher and pee farther.

4 1. Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

42. Wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let others find it.

43. One night, when a young woman passed a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. Desperate, the woman knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then you start chasing me now. "

44. At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

45. Tigers don't send cats. You think I'm dying!

46. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then came up with a cold sentence: if you drink too much wine, you will get more.

47. When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

48. In the past, others visited menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

49. In college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid! I spit in your face with shit.

50. When I was a child, I usually sold popsicles and ice cream by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

Li Yong laughed himself to death-he couldn't hold on!

5 1, a couple, guess the name of the food, the wife will guess with her husband. The word "steamed bread" popped up on the big screen.

Wife's description: round, white, edible.

Husband: ...

The wife continued to describe: just white and soft. You ate it last night!

Husband seems to be in a hurry and blurts out: "Mimi!" "

Li Yong laughed his head off. ...

The word "vinegar" popped up on the big screen.

Husband: What do women like to eat from men?

Wife (happily): Tofu! !

52. In the guessing session, what horse did Guan Yu ride in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms? The guesser didn't know, and the painter suggested: Think again, this horse was ridden by Lu Bu.

The guesser shouted, It's The Story Of Diu Sim.

Bi Hua was furious: You are so stupid. I said riding during the day!

Lao Li was laughed to the ground! ! ! !

53, a couple, guess cultural relics, the wife motioned for her husband to guess. The word "Diamond Sutra" popped up on the big screen.

Wife's description: It has existed since ancient times and is very famous.

Husband: ........

The wife continued to describe: it is that nun who has to read it every month.

Husband seems to understand and blurts out: "menstruation."

Li Yong said, "Oh, my God! Cut the pilot. "

54. Still a couple, guess the name of the item, and the wife will guess the husband. The words "V3 mobile phone" pop up on the big screen.

Wife's description: There is a pink one, which is the most popular this year. You bought it for me.

Husband: ........

The wife continued to describe: that beautiful woman Sarapova has also used it, and it is also my favorite. The four-word husband threw caution to the wind and blurted out: "sexy underwear."

The hapless Li Yong laughed again. ...