Please give me some humor. . Bonus points for hilarious. . Say no to bad jokes or mediocre jokes, just one.

Pick your own

One day the animals smelled a bad smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said: I am too young to fart such a smelly thing, it must be a cow. The cow said: I eat grass and will not fart so smelly. Pig said: People who fart will definitely blush. Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out, beat the pig away and said: How many times have I told you that my blush is natural.

A man met God one day... God suddenly became kind and planned to give that person a wish... God asked... Do you have any wish? ..... The man thought for a while... I heard that cats have 9 lives... Then please give me 9 lives... God said... .... Your wish has come true... One day, that person was bored... He wanted to just die... Anyway, he has 9 lives, so he just lay there. On the railway track... As a result, a train drove past... The man still died... Why is this? Because there were 10 carriages in that train...

One day, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely enough, their smiles after death were all ^_^... Funeral Home Management The policeman asked pol.ice very puzzled: Why do their faces after death turn out to be ^_^? Pol.ice said: This... it's a long story... Look at the person on the left... He was spending spring night with his wife in ***... .At the most passionate moment... I couldn't stand it anymore... After hanging up, the administrator replied: Alas... I would like to die under the flowers... I can be a ghost even if I die. ...How did the middle one die? pol.ice: That one in the middle... He... What a tragedy... He was walking on the road... Suddenly he heard that he had won the jackpot... .... The prize was more than 700 million. When he laughed happily... he was hit by an oncoming car... and ended up... dead. ..... The administrator replied: Alas... He is really not blessed to enjoy this glorious and wealthy life for the rest of his life... What about the remaining one? pol.ice: ...This one's death is a bit pitiful... He was struck to death by lightning while climbing a tree. The administrator replied: ...That's it. Something is wrong, why are you still smiling after being struck by lightning...pol.ice said: Because after he climbed the tree, he thought...there was a sudden lightning...He thought... ... Someone took a picture of him...

I heard that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake and was run over by a car today. I have been very worried and will send you a text message immediately. If you If you are still alive, please reply to me!

The world knows that you have great martial arts skills, but you can’t be proud. There is a sword among men, a man among swords, and the man and sword become one. Once you achieve this, you are no longer a human, but a swordsman. ! Sword man! Sword man!

You are as diligent as a bee, as beautiful as a butterfly, as loyal as a puppy, as well-behaved as a kitten, as honest as an old cow, and as powerful as a tiger. No wonder others call you...a beast. !

It’s just a gust of wind, but it’s so eternal; it’s just a dream, but it’s so real; you lower your head and say nothing, but I can’t calm down, and finally I can’t help but say to you: “Fart first.” Say something!"

If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; if there is no water, the fish cannot swim; if there is no sun, the moon will not have light; if there is no you... a fool will not Exists

I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting lonely, just so that one day when you walk by me, I will fall for you and I will not be able to crush you. Even if you live in vain.

The beggar took the monkey along the street to beg. He asked the monkey to laugh and it laughed, he asked the monkey to cry and it cried, he asked the monkey to bow and it bowed, and he asked the monkey to read text messages and it read text messages.

That day when you were participating in a football match, you shot a volley. Before the goalkeeper could react, the ball went in! We all applauded and cheered for you. You got up, patted your butt and said: Damn, the ground is too slippery!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly----Pig !

All the water tribes congratulated the old Dragon King on his birthday. During the dinner, Prime Minister Turtle took something out of his arms, looked at it, and then put it back. The Dragon King hurriedly asked: What's wrong with Prime Minister Turtle? The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: The old bastard received another text message.

My friend thought a lot about me last night. After thinking about it, you are the coolest one. I searched for you hundreds of times in my dreams. Looking back, you are indeed still tied deep in the donkey shed. How cruel! cruel! Calm down after reading the message!

Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to find you. Can you pick me up at the station? But I'm afraid there are so many people that it won't be easy to recognize me. Make your head explode, hold a wooden stick in your right hand, and a porcelain bowl in your left hand to contact me. The secret code for the connection is: OK!

I dreamed of you. You made clothes out of white clouds, borrowed wings from a bird, stuck a broom behind your butt, and then flew to my side like a sword, telling me affectionately: You Do you know? This is what Birdman looks like.

I once thought there was a better one, but over and over again I realized that the best is right around me, just like you. At first, I didn't take it seriously when you appeared, but as time went by, I realized that you were the best... to bully!

You were traveling to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, and were attacked by a group of wild boars on the way. The tourists took out food and money, but the wild boars were unmoved. You took out your only ID card, and the group of pigs knelt down and cried bitterly: Boss, we have found you!

You are a 10 carefree person, and often have fun with 9. 8 cannot have hundreds of millions of money at home. You have abandoned 7 for many years. You are busy all day long, looking for prey. 5 needs to ask more questions, and 4 nature If you don't change and you still have two minds, you must not be a good person.

After reading about the Three Kingdoms, Tiger went to catch wild boars. When he saw that there was no pig in the pig nest, he touched his beard and said: Empty city plan! When he turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap, he was shocked: a cruel trick! Suddenly I saw you again, and I was overjoyed: Oh, there is a beauty trap!

The toad pursued the swan, and the swan said disdainfully: If you had grown up like this, I would have died long ago! The toad was dissatisfied: So the pig is still alive and well? The pig heard this and felt aggrieved: I provoked someone, I was just reading text messages!

There is a kind of longing called dreaming, there is a kind of love called growing old, there is a kind of beauty called beautiful appearance, there is a kind of promise called forever, there is a kind of greeting called hello little pig!

I don’t want to be alone, I also want to have someone. When I walk on the street, I see handsome men and beautiful women holding hands, but I hold my left hand and my right hand. I have nothing else to ask for now, I just want to go out with you. I'm leaving, but I'm afraid my friends will say: Don't always walk your dog when you have nothing to do.

I miss the days when we walked together, the spring was bright and the birds were singing and the flowers were fragrant. The folks all praise you for being so beautiful and cute. The folks also praised me for being so smart and capable, even at such a young age, I came out to herd pigs.

When you are personally empty and lonely, watermelon may be your best outlet. You can cut it, peel it, chop it, split it with a knife, and at the same time you can shout loudly: I will kill the melon, I kill the melon, I kill the melon!

1 The "New Queen" sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change..." The "bookworm" who was reading suddenly raised his head and asked: "Isn't the toilet empty?"

Missing you is what I do every day, seeing you is what I dream of, loving you is what I hope for in this life, waiting for you, It's something I've always done. I'm going to lie to you, it just happened.

Buddha said: I exchanged 500 glances in my past life for one passing encounter in this life. I used 10,000 glances in my past life to exchange for an encounter with you in this life, just to ask you: Why are you with my dog? Grab the bones.

To understand a person, you need to observe it from many angles. Just like you, he looks like a psycho from below, he looks like a 250 from the side, he looks like an idiot from a 30-degree angle, and he looks like an idiot from a 60-degree angle. Like a pig head, look, I know more about you.

If a drop of water represents a blessing, I will give you a South China Sea. If a star represents a happiness, I will give you a Milky Way. If a spoon of honey represents a yearning, I will give you a hornet's nest. I don't believe it can sting you.

I wish you a smooth journey, even if you get lost along the way; I wish you always smile and deserve to die; I wish you happiness every day, even if your legs are cramped; I wish you all the best, even if you run into obstacles everywhere.

1. Text messages about mobile phones

Emergency reminder: There may be thunder and lightning in recent days. When going out, please put your mobile phone on your head and plug in the charger and drag it behind you. Used for lightning protection, remember!

Secret tips for making free calls on your mobile phone: When there is an incoming call, press 54sg and then turn off before the second ring. The call will be free at this time.

This is a well-designed text message. Turn your phone upside down and you will see wonderful patterns... Is it fun to turn your phone upside down?

According to research from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in the United States, soaking your phone in water for 1 minute before talking can completely avoid the radiation of electromagnetic waves to the human brain. Remember!

Dear user: Hello! Because your mobile phone has an ugly appearance and outdated style, which has seriously affected the appearance of the city and hindered the development of mobile communication services, our station has decided to send a signal to destroy the mobile phone in 10 minutes!

If you receive this message, it proves that your phone is infected with a virus. Please take out the phone card immediately and clean it with gasoline.

2. Message about idiots

The people who make furniture are wood, the people who understand poetry are scholars, what everyone thinks about is money, what is cultivated is talent, what women want is body, The person who sent the message is a genius, the person who is reading the text message is an idiot!

Standing on the balcony that day, you enjoyed the mist of the drizzle. Thinking of the bumpy life, your face got wet. A sour, bitter and salty taste. Is it rain or tears? You looked up at the sky and wow, whose mop is this.

You are the best among all the people in the country, riding a bench to the moon; you are the best in the world, and you drink from a vat instead of a cup; from ancient times to the present, you are the best, and you scare people to death when you go shopping; what you say does not count What, the Nobel Prize is waiting for you!

With you in my life, my days are full of infinite vitality; with you along the way, I am not afraid of lightning strikes; just because of you, happiness and satisfaction are always overflowing; without you, such good pig food Who should be fed?

Note: Stand in front of the mirror, hold your chin lightly with your hand, blink your left eye three times, blink your right eye three times, and then keep blinking with a smile, and you will vaguely see a fool. Staring in the mirror!

You have worked quietly in the film industry for many years, and only you know the bitterness of it best. However, your efforts have finally been recognized by people, and you have been nominated for this year's Golden Bird Award: Best Animal Star

On this full moon night, Chang'e said to me: She is going to go down to find you. , perform beauty treatments on you and restore you to your original beauty! Are you ready? Pig, stop reading the text message, I’m asking you a question!

The flowers blooming in spring are your smile; the sun is burning in summer, it is your enthusiasm; the fruits are ripe in autumn, it is your harvest; hehe! Puppy Bear, this way you can hibernate peacefully!

Wukong, you clean the glass; Sha Seng, you mop the floor; Bajie, the master understands your situation very well. After repeated consideration, he decided to give you a chance to show off - after reading this After sending the text message, I quickly went to clean the toilet.

It is real gold, never afraid of fierce flames; it is green pine, never afraid of the long cold; it is petrel, never afraid of lightning that cuts through the sky; it is a fool, still staring at the text message stupidly!

According to reports: A few days ago, Iraqi militants hung your photo on the wall of Baghdad, causing a large number of US soldiers to vomit and die. After investigating and collecting evidence, the United Nations confirmed that this is a weapon of mass destruction. You should run away.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Saibei snow. Sorry, the cassette is gone.

Someone saw you today. You are still so charming. You are wearing a plaid vest and walking slowly with a detached and comfortable look. You are so cute. I don’t know how you could beat the rabbit back then. ?

It’s okay! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! fine! I told you it was okay and you still pressed your butt!

A cricket made a bet with a pig: If I jump into the grass, you can’t see me. The pig said: Should I be able to see you? So the cricket jumped into the grass.

The pigs are watching, the pigs are watching! The pig is still watching! Why are the pigs still watching? !

Your voice came from the valley. I looked down and found you at the corner of the mountain. It was you! It's really you! You were with an old man, and I ran over excitedly and said, "Master, let me borrow the donkey."

The first time I saw you, I felt like I had known you for a long time. I had never been so sure. You may not believe it, but it is true. You really look like my...lost pig!

If a star falls and hits your head tonight, please don’t worry. This is a gift I asked the gods to give you. From now on, you will live a carefree and happy life. Because - stupid.

Some people say you are a pig! I criticized him seriously! How can this be? How can one say what a person is based on what he or she looks like?