Have fun

The following are jokes compiled from the Internet:

A classmate went to the doctor for gum inflammation, and the doctor said he needed surgery. The classmate said: "I have never had an operation before, so I am a little nervous." The doctor said: "Don't be nervous, it is my first time to have an operation." This is when the nurse came over and asked: "Should the anesthetic be injected into the mouth or outside the mouth?" The doctor said: "Hit your legs, lest he runs away later..."

The young man asked the Zen master: "I have noble aspirations, and I can emerge from the mud without being stained. I cannot tolerate this filthy world." The Zen master took out a The bag asked the young man to put the garbage in the house into it. The young man quickly filled it, and the Zen master took out another bag. The young man suddenly realized: "Are you saying that as long as you have a broad enough mind, you can accommodate the world?" The Zen master shook his head, pointed to the bag and said, "Pretend, you continue to pretend."

My hourly worker is right I said: Scholars are smarter than non-students, and non-students are just stupid. I don't think so, right? The hourly worker said: Why not? Look at me, if I don’t study, I will accomplish nothing. I just blame myself for not studying. You are different. I'm curious: What am I like? She said: Even if you study, you will accomplish nothing, but you will not blame yourself. You will say that you were not born at the right time and you will not meet your talents. You blame society, life, and everything else...

Once I couldn't help but ask an elder relative. , why are you so keen on persuading young people to get married early, have children early, and have multiple babies? She said slowly, let you people also experience the difficulty of life.

One year when I ran for class president, I got two more votes than the second place candidate. One vote he gave me, and one vote I gave to myself. Then the head teacher said that I lacked friendship and humility, so I was rejected. A few days ago, a child said that he was running for class president in the spring semester. I specifically told him this story. Later, when he came home, he told me that he had two more votes than the second place, but he still lost the election. I just said to him, didn’t I tell him to be friendly and humble? He said: After I voted for him, I still got two more votes. When the teacher heard that I didn’t vote for him, he said that I had no confidence and was not suitable to be a class cadre.

Drinking with my dad, he was slightly drunk: "After you get married, I hope you have a boy!"... "Dad, no matter what age, why do you still have the old ideas, favoring sons over daughters? What a pedantic thought! "..."Son, that's not what I meant. Dad actually wants you to have a girl, but with your looks, giving birth to a girl may delay her life..."

Xiao Li said to his wife: Every time you scold me, have you considered my feelings? I'm thinking about you. I don't even speak in dialect for fear that you won't understand.

The woman asked the master: Master, I am so beautiful, and every Valentine’s Day I am pestered by a group of men to give gifts, and it is difficult to refuse. What should I do? The master silently picked up a ladle of water from the pond and poured it on the woman's head. The woman suddenly realized: Master, I understand. You want me to be as calm as water and treat everything in the world with a calm mind, right? Master's answer: It's not that complicated...as long as you take off your makeup, the world will be quiet.

Question: What do you like about me? Answer: I like you to stay away from me!

Mom: Look, your room looks like a pig’s nest and you still haven’t tidied it up! Me: Have you ever seen a pig tidy up the house? Aren’t they all pig farmers?

Teacher: There was a theft in our class today. After my investigation, I found that the time when the things were thrown was just before eight o'clock in the morning. Now, please raise your hands for the students who came to the class before eight o'clock...Okay, The matter of throwing things is over for now. The monitor will mark the students who did not raise their hands as late.

There are several reasons why others are happy: very rich, happy in love, good-looking, recognized, successful in career... Me: big-hearted

The company is recruiting a general secretary, My colleague was responsible for the preliminary test, and I was responsible for the retest. A beautiful woman knew nothing but her colleague allowed her to pass the re-examination. The comment on the initial examination was, "Don't get me wrong, buddy. I just want you to see the best beauty. You can stop her and don't take advantage of the boss." I burst into tears, this is a true brother. Later, my colleague sent the girl a text message, "I really want to recruit you, but the examiner for the re-examination is too cheap."

Later, the two of them got together...

When I went home for dinner, my mother asked me: "I haven't seen you post on Moments for a long time. Is there something wrong with your boyfriend?" I nodded frustratedly. : "We broke up last week." She said to her father: "Haha, I won, bring me a hundred yuan."

Today, I watched my boss drive a brand-new BMW and slowly parked in front of the building. , I couldn't help but look envious. "Well," the boss seemed to notice the look in my eyes, and said to me: "As long as you are willing to work hard and work hard, by this time next year, I will be able to drive a better car."

Spending has been relatively high these days, and I accidentally spent all my living expenses. But there are still more than 20 days before the end of the month, so I am ready to please my dad for some living expenses. I woke up in the morning and cooked noodles for breakfast for my family. My father looked at me warily with chopsticks and asked, "How much does a bowl of this noodles cost?"

A sociology teacher lectured: Don't just look at things. On the surface, for example, do people go to KTV to practice singing? wrong! It’s to pick up girls! Do you go to a bar to drink? wrong! Just to pick up girls! Do you go to the library to read books? ...At this time the study committee member stood up: Teacher, I really want to read a book! The teacher snorted coldly: For a bookworm, what else can you do if you don't read books?

My dad scolded me in the afternoon...and then he got emotional and slapped me in the face. I wanted to lighten the mood. I originally wanted to say, "Dad, are you hungry? Let me get you something to eat." It changed to "You haven't eaten, right"... Then I received another solid slap...

First line: Two computers, three meals and lunch boxes for one project only for a salary of 4,000, which ruined the whole body. It’s very hard to wake up at seven o’clock and have a meeting at eight o’clock to deal with nine loopholes; second line: ten years of coding and nine years of overtime work, so busy that no one can see the light, and the whole life is full of smoke. In the end, we don’t recognize our relatives, and our bodies are still weak, and our limbs are still weak. We work three shifts only for two stinky money, and we will be alone all our lives; Hengpi: Hard-working programmers!

Over the weekend, my daughter made trouble and tried to overthrow her. Her lover tried to educate her to no avail. He teased her angrily: "Just be angry with me! Make me angry. Then your father will find you a stepmother." !" When my daughter heard this, she became indignant and said excitedly to her lover: "Mom, don't talk nonsense, you are not allowed to say that about Dad!" I felt warm in my heart, and then my daughter said: "He can't be found!"

I was in urgent need of money, so I called my best friend. I just said that my best friend said, all my money belongs to my husband and I can’t make the decision. I’ll ask my husband! I said: "Okay"! After hanging up the phone, I suddenly remembered that my best friend doesn’t have a husband? When I called again, a man answered the phone and yelled at me for a while, then I said I didn’t want to borrow it anymore! The man replied: You told me earlier~ Now~ she doesn’t want to borrow it anymore, I’ll give you the phone back!

The 10-year-old daughter protested, Mom, can you go home earlier and not work so late in the future? Don’t let dad take care of me. He takes care of me and I am almost independent...

One day you will meet a good girl. She doesn’t want your house, your car, let alone your diamonds and your money. Of course she doesn’t want you either!

If you are a living person in your thirties or forties, you will always hear "you are already that old", "no longer young", "this is how it will be in this life". But if you are a dead person in your thirties or forties, you will hear "It's such a pity", "You are so young", and "The great future is yet to come".

I discussed with my girlfriend about going there to play on May Day. She said: Otherwise, I will bring my best friend with me! Let you taste the feeling of being hugged on both sides, are you willing? ...I slammed the table and stood up. My girlfriend quickly advised me: Don’t be angry, don’t be angry. I know that you are wholeheartedly devoted to me, and I shouldn’t test you. I'm sorry... I calmed down my excitement and swallowed the words "I do!" into my stomach.

I was passing by a yard and saw a sign hanging on the door with two words on it - "Lover". I suddenly felt that the owner of the yard was quite interesting, so I gently opened the door and went in. As a result,... Before I had taken two steps, two big wolfdogs suddenly rushed out from the side... After returning from the hospital for rabies vaccination, I rubbed my eyes and took a closer look at the sign, only to realize that the two words on it turned out to be "Enter with caution." Protect your eyes without delay.

Stop poking at that broken cell phone...

Manager: "I fired the clerk in the accounting department." Secretary: "Why?" Manager: "He actually said in front of others that I was You idiot." Secretary: "Oh, how disgusting! How could he leak our company's most important secrets to others?"

Question: Is there anything more heartbreaking than a breakup? Yes: After breaking up, I found out that he won the lottery jackpot.

The radio host answered a call from a listener. Audience: Hello, host. I just picked up a wallet at the entrance of Shin Kong Place with more than 5,000 yuan in it. Host: Thank you very much for this enthusiastic listener. Please leave your contact number and we will help you find the owner as soon as possible. Audience: No, no, no, I just want to pick a song, Da Zhangwei's song "Beier Shuang", to express my current mood...

There is an old lady who was deceived a lot by a scammer. money, go to entrust stock trading. Later, the old lady called the police, and the police caught the scammer and recovered the money. When the policeman gave the money to the old lady, he said: "Old lady, you have been deceived into stock trading. You can still get your money back. If you really trade in stocks, you will never get your money back."

Today, my friend invited me to dinner. When I was paying the bill, I saw him taking out the money very slowly, so I said, "How about I pay for it." My friend said, "That's so embarrassing!" "It's okay," so I Reaching into his pocket.

"Do you know how bleak my business is?" An entrepreneur said to me: "The two rocking cars at the door are the company's biggest profit projects now!"

Xiao Ming bought a donkey for 100 yuan, but it died. A month later, someone asked: What happened to the dead donkey? Xiao Ming said: I held a lucky draw, and the donkey was used as a prize. I sold 500 tickets at 2 yuan each, and I made 998 yuan. The farmer asked: Isn’t anyone dissatisfied? Xiao Ming replied: Only the winner was dissatisfied, so I returned his money to him. Later Xiao Ming became the president of a company.

How do you understand that I will still take a bullet for you, but will not buy you breakfast again? God replied: I would rather die than spend a penny for you.

A group of pregnant women established a group called "Parenting Exchange Group". They only do one thing inside: scolding their husbands.

Customer: "I would like to apply for a job as a waiter in your store, is it okay?" Manager: "We have no shortage of waiters here." Customer: "Then find one and show it to me. I'll sit here. It’s been almost an hour, and I haven’t seen a waiter.”

Since I was a kid, I thought the most powerful person was my mother. She was not afraid of the dark, knew everything, made delicious meals, kept her life in order, and cried. When I didn't know what to do, I had to look for her. But I seem to have forgotten that the person I relied on was once a little girl, who was afraid of the dark and shed tears, and who was clumsy and would get pricked by needles. The most beautiful girl, what makes you so strong, is it time or love? God’s reply: It’s your incompetent father.

I went to work in the morning and saw an old man falling, so I stepped forward to help him up. Unexpectedly, the old man refused to let me go, saying that I knocked him down. I said, "Sir, we don't bring blackmailers. There is surveillance here." The old man said, "I checked earlier, but there is no such thing." How dare you be so arrogant without surveillance? So I put him back on the ground and walked away.

When a powerful force appears clumsy, we call it cute. Other clumsy hands are still called clumsy hands.

After class, I saw my deskmate in a daze, so I said: "Let me tell you a story." "The farmer had a pigsty, and there was a storm, and then it collapsed. After repairing it, But I found that one was missing, guess why? "Because it came to tell me a story." I always thought that my deskmate had low emotional intelligence and was speechless...

That year, my cousin and I were talking. I borrowed money to buy a brand-name lipstick and gave it to the class girl when I was going to confess my love. Two months later, when my cousin paid back the money, I found that this guy had gained a lot of weight, with a fat head and a fat face.

Me: "Love is so nourishing!" He: "It's so nourishing! I was rejected! I changed hands and gave the lipstick to the cafeteria lady!"

When I was in college, I once spent all my living expenses ahead of schedule. Then I called my dad: Dad, I miss you so much. Can I discuss something with you? Dad: Tell me, except money! Me: Then please pay attention to your health. If you have nothing to do, I will hang up first!

Give me light and I will not be afraid of the dark. Give me legs to cross the mountains. Give me wings to fly over the other side. Give me hands to stand up and go to work.

A small Xianrou's hand was scratched, and a bunch of people took him to the hospital. After seeing it, the doctor said: Fortunately you came early. If it had been later, the wound would have healed on its own.

A man gave a sum of money to a beggar. The beggar got the money and immediately bought a whole roast chicken to eat. This person suddenly felt depressed: "How can you use the money I gave you to eat roast chicken?". The beggar replied angrily: "I used to have no money, so I couldn't eat roast chicken; now that I have money, I still can't eat roast chicken. Then please tell me, when the hell can I eat roast chicken?!"

Do you know the difference between an angry girlfriend and a terrorist? Terrorists can negotiate. ——PayChiHo

"I applied for a very expensive fitness card, and it was really effective. I lost 20 pounds in a month." "Really? Where is it? I'll apply for one too." You? No." "What, you think I can't hold on?" "No, I think you still have money to eat even if you get the card."

"Husband, the quality of our new cars is great. It’s great, the airbag is very effective.” “Don’t worry, tell me where the car hit.”

A pair of lovers were chatting on a park bench. , suddenly both of them stopped talking, and the woman asked: "What are you thinking about?" The man said: "I am thinking the same thing." The woman said: "Shameless."

Go When buying watermelons, ask a boss you know well to help you choose one. When you're done, ask him what his secret is. Boss: You have to slap at least three watermelons, then pick one out and give it to the customer with a confident expression.

I had already worked as the deputy manager of Zhengxin Chicken Steak Store, and the school informed me that school was about to start.

My senior student borrowed a USB flash drive from me and brought it back to me today. He said to me: "There seems to be something wrong with your USB flash drive. 500G only shows 200G. Let me fix it for you." After saying that, he smiled at me proudly, and I looked confused. When I returned to the dormitory, I took a look and she actually formatted it for me!

Me: "Mom, I want to buy a golden retriever." Mom: "What?" Me: "Golden retriever, eight hundred puppies." Mom: "What kind of dog is so expensive? No." Me: "It's super cute. When you grow up, you can even pull it out to flirt with girls." Three seconds later. . . My mother: "Is there any place that sells ready-made big dogs?"

When I entered the house after get off work, I found a hundred-dollar bill on the table. My wife usually doesn’t give me any pocket money, my God! Show mercy this time? I couldn't help but feel happy. When I picked up the banknote, I found a note underneath. I picked it up and looked at it. It said: "Today is my mother's birthday. Wait for me at home and we will go together to celebrate your mother-in-law's birthday. Note - That hundred yuan is not for you, it’s to attract your attention!”

One day it rained heavily, and the single Xiao Wang saw a beautiful woman standing outside a small supermarket to take shelter from the rain. The expression is melancholy.

Xiao Wang felt that the opportunity had come, so he walked into the supermarket and bought an umbrella. Just as he was about to go out to find the beauty, he turned around and saw the beauty coming in. He said to the supermarket owner: "Husband, why don't you leave? It's getting dark!" "The supermarket owner said: "You stay outside for a little longer, our umbrellas will be sold out soon..."

"Dad, why do other people's daughters learn dancing and piano? Painting or something... Why do I have to learn wrestling from you and behave like a boy all day long? When I grow up, will anyone marry me?" Dad said calmly: "Silly boy, what are you learning? Dance and piano are so expensive! Just learn wrestling from your dad, and when you grow up, you can knock down whoever you like..."

I have a good relationship with a noodle shop owner, and her noodles are good. It's delicious, and it has always been priced at 10 yuan a bowl. Once I suggested that it could be increased to 12 yuan. After all, it tasted good, and then the price really increased from the next day. It wasn't until a month later that I discovered that other people's prices were still 10, so mine was increased.

I accidentally saw the chat history of a buddy. (Female): Brother, are you there? (Male): Yes, sister, what’s going on? (Female): Can you help me recharge 50 yuan of phone credit and pay it back to you later? (Male): I didn’t see what you just said. (Female): Can you help me recharge 50 yuan of phone credit and pay it back to you later? (Male): The previous sentence? (Female): Brother, are you there? (Male): Not here! ! !

Yesterday, my three-year-old niece rushed over to me, kissed me and said, "Uncle, I had a good dream. Do you think it will come true?" Me: "Of course." "I dreamed "My uncle bought me a lot of candies and a lot of colorful clothes!" Me: "That won't work. I'll change it." "But I also dreamed that my uncle was getting married. That aunt is so beautiful." Me: "Let's go." Supermarket!”

During the lottery at the company’s annual meeting, a female colleague and I won consecutive movie tickets. She was twenty years younger than me, and I felt there was a generation gap, so I went home and gave the ticket to my nephew, who was eighteen years younger than me, and showed him her photo. My nephew liked it very much. He gave me a pack of cigarettes and treated me to a big meal. After the meal, he went to get a haircut and then bought a lot of snacks to go to the cinema. With all my conscience, I really didn’t know that my female colleague would give the ticket to the cleaning lady.