58 funny and shocking quotations _ Relax, I am not a good person.

1 Don't say that others are mentally ill. The premise of mental illness is to have a brain.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compete with you.

The college entrance examination can change your destiny, but it is always your father who decides your destiny.

If you were ten years younger, I would call you "naive", but now I can only say that you are mentally retarded.

Real dinosaurs glow when they turn off the lights. . .

Don't be infatuated with me, my sister-in-law will hit you.

Life is like poop, and we are intoxicated with it like dung shells.

Eight flowers of the motherland, I will step on one when it blooms.

Don't argue with a fool, or others won't know who is a fool.

10 can play dazzle dance? Don't! Can you play CS? Don't! Can you play DNF? No. Then go to hell! ... what game is that?

1 1 When people are around, they think there will always be opportunities. In fact, life is subtraction, with one side missing.

12 Notre Dame de Paris is short of a bell ringer, and that's yours.

13 saw a car on the road in the morning, and a sign was posted on the back of the car, which read: driving school is withdrawn, self-taught

14 Don't think you are a gourd baby.

15 Playing hide-and-seek with people when I was a child. I always wait for others to hide, so I go straight home.

16 wearing cheap goods and Wenzhou shoes, the whole body does not exceed that of 200 yuan. Only the bag in her hand is a high-grade leather bag, because its English name is Gaojipibao.

17 people are still idiots. You are bigger than retarded.

18 The shameless degree of the company is always beyond the imagination of employees.

19 once you learn to break the jar and break the fall, you will find that the world will suddenly open up. ...

Being pregnant is like being pregnant. It takes a long time for people to see it.

2 1 I thought I was invisible and others couldn't find me. It's no use. People like me, like fireflies in the dark, are bright enough and outstanding enough.

Why are my eyes always full of tears? Because I pretend to be deep.

When I am in a bad mood, I will call others in the middle of the night to wake them up, and I will go to bed.

Marriage is certainly a good thing, but addiction is troublesome.

I want to say that you are an idiot and I praise you.

The world is bigger than what you lack.

Relax, I'm not a good person.

Did your mother throw someone away and raise the placenta when she gave birth to you?

You told me to get out, and I got out. You asked me to come back, I'm sorry, go away!

3 1 It doesn't matter if your head is empty. The key is not to get into the water.

Knowledge is like underwear, invisible but important.

I never bully the weak ~ ~ ~ I didn't know he was weaker than me before I bullied him.

I want to answer back, I can scold you.

When you smile, the wolf hangs himself. When you scream, the chicken flies and the dog jumps. When it stopped, it smelled bad. When you look at it, the world is shocked. You sweat, lice suffer. You are uglier than a ghost without dressing up. When you dress up, ghosts will paralyze you.

It's beautiful from a distance, but I want to call the police when I look close.

The most brilliant moment of apple was hitting Newton on the head!

Life is like Yico Zeng. If you go astray from the beginning, you will never go back.

Your mother took you shopping, and people asked: Elder sister, how much did you buy this monkey?

My advantages are: I am handsome; But my shortcoming is that I am not handsome.

4 1 I want the whole world to know that I am keeping a low profile.

Your mobile phone is cheaper than the phone bill.

A toad who doesn't want to eat swan meat is not a good toad; A swan-eating toad or a toad.

At best, I am a descendant of Lei Feng. From now on, you can call me Ren Lei.

Why not find a quiet place and count the brain cells by yourself?

People say I'm thin, but I'm not obviously fat.

Rabbits don't eat grass near their nests, and the quality is not good. Why don't they look around?

A: "Are you from the national football team?" ! B stepped forward and stabbed a nail: "Shit! There should be a limit to swearing! !

Dude, judging by your IQ, are you from the physics department of Galiton University (squatting at home)?

What a man says is like an old lady's teeth. How much is true? !

5 1 says that money is evil and everyone is fishing; Say beauty is a disaster, everyone wants it; It is said that the height is too cold and everyone is climbing; Say that alcohol and tobacco hurt the body and don't quit; Say heaven is the best, don't go!

I have a left dragon, a right white tiger and Mickey Mouse tattooed on my shoulder.

Why do you sleep for a long time before you die? You will fall asleep after death.

54 low-key to high-key!

Friends around you, get famous quickly, so that my memoirs can sell well ~ ~ ~

56 hooligans are not terrible, but they are afraid that hooligans have culture.

I'm not RMB, why does everyone like me?

58 grandstanding can be flattering or falling out of favor.

55 classic shocking quotations _ shocking sentences _ too funny

1 If you are a flower, cows will not dare to shit in the future!

The world belongs to us and our sons, but in the end it belongs to those grandchildren.

After breaking up, I want nothing. I just hope that every woman in your future is not as good as one. . .

As a great man, Marx left us with foaming Marxism and calloused papers. Qu Yuan left, but he left us a three-day holiday.

Or China people love China people.

Whoever ignores me again, I will tell him a story: once upon a time, there was a man who didn't like talking to me and died the next day.

My website, you are the landlord.

I not only have a car, but also do it myself.

It's not that I don't want to lose weight, I'm just afraid of rebounding.

No matter how high the grade is, I am afraid that the kitchen knife and clothes will be hung again and a brick will fall.

10 Be a man with a conscience and find a woman with temperament.

1 1 Believe it or not, I slapped you on the wall and couldn't take it off! ...

The signature of 12 changes every day. It's free anyway.

13 others review books, and they will understand when they look at them. I will pass when I look at them.

14 Don't talk to me about feelings. Talking about feelings hurts money.

15 The brain is the noblest organ-because it tells you.

When is the bright moon on 16? See for yourself.

17 Our goal: Look at money and earn more.

18 Happiness is a comparative level. You can't feel it until something is at the bottom.

19 people are parallel imports, but their hearts are licensed.

Women are made of water, men are made of mud, and Li Junji and Chris Lee are made of cement.

2 1 Once I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me. They said I was handsome, but when I denied it, they hit me and called me hypocritical.

You are not mainstream! Your home is not mainstream! Your mother's socks! Your dad's tin foil paper head!

As long as the sunrise appears before sunset, as long as the class arrives before class.

Who is whose husband? All fucking temporary workers!

Secret love is a successful pantomime, and when it is said, it becomes a tragedy!

Born down and out, the five elements are short of money.

If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

28 stands higher and urinates farther.

I think a lot, but I feel a lot.

There is a person who will never know that you are his father if you don't CTM.

3 1 A wife is like a gun, reminding you at any time that if you have an affair, I will shoot you.

A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

I have passed a person countless times, and my clothes have been scratched without sparks.

Bitch is always a bitch, even if the economic crisis, you can't be expensive!

35 disgusting mother cried very sadly, why? Because it's disgusting

Do you know what is the most painful thing in a man's life?

No wife.

Do you know what is more painful for men?

Had a daughter-in-law, and ran away with others.

What I can't put down now is chopsticks, but what I can't get out is the quilt.

I'm not a fortune teller in the square, so I can't say so much as you like.

39. One short step makes a long regret.

My schizophrenia has been cured. Now I and I are fine.

4 1 looks like a car accident scene!

When a man meets a woman, there is only an anniversary, not an independence day.

43 words is not surprising, and death is not shameful.

In this age of promiscuity, a dear is at best a hello!

You after 45, heart after 80, face after 70.

Cover your crotch. Respect other people's crotch.

You have a great figure. Even the Monkey King will give you three sticks when he sees you.

If there is no health insurance and life insurance, don't try to be brave after dark.

I prefer to watch Huo Ying endure it, because a village of Japanese people will die as soon as they die.

Put away your love, I'm tired of pretending.

5 1 Say that women are clothes and big sister is a brand that you can't afford to wear.

No amount of water will make you feel lonely.

The real warrior dares to face up to the beautiful girl and the bleak singles.

If you look like a steamed stuffed bun, don't blame the dog for following.

Yesterday at noon, I received a short message: Please deposit the money into this account XXX. I'll come back in half an hour: I have credited 5000 yuan, please check it. The next day, I received: I have been to the bank three times, you liar.

Quotations from funny people

1, there is no rehearsal in life, and it is broadcast live every day; Not only the ratings are low, but also the salary is not high.

2. It's not that the ending of the story is not good enough, but that we are too demanding of the story!

Even if I am a cactus, I need to be watered by rain occasionally, even if there is only one drop, two drops, three drops and four drops, which gives me the courage and confidence to look forward to the charming rainy season.

4. After reading the language of 10, it is better to talk about QQ for half a year.

5, flowers often do not belong to people who appreciate flowers, but belong to cow dung.

6. University teachers. I found a wonderful paper when I was correcting it at the end of last semester. I only wrote a few lines on the first page. Teacher, I can't. I don't need to see it anymore. I didn't write anything. Turning to the second page, I was shocked, and there was another line: Teacher, you don't believe me, do you?

7. Ask a colleague: Did you buy PetroChina? Colleague said: bah! You just bought PetroChina. Your whole family bought PetroChina and Sinopec!

8. A dinosaur went to the toilet when passing by Xi Jiaotong University. When she came out, she sobbed: 555, I finally don't have to worry about getting married in my life.

9. I have a little thought, but I don't lack it; I have a good temper, but not without it!

10, love is like a ghost, which many people believe and few people see.

1 1, an upright man is upright, and a villain does his homework. Looking up, I found it was moonlight and bowed my head to do my homework. I sat up critically ill and didn't do my homework today.

12, I have a grave in my heart, a place to bury widows.

13, sometimes, it's not that the other person doesn't care about you, but that you take the other person too seriously.

14, I caught the bus in the morning, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout: master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! At this time, a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, Wukong, stop chasing.

15, I am a passerby who you turn around and forget. Why should I accompany you to the ends of the earth?

16, go to the pizza shop to buy pizza! The waiter asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I thought about it and said: 8 yuan! 12 can't eat!

17, our goal: look at money and make a fortune.

18, people have plenty of backgrounds, but I only have my back ~ ~.

I knew you were Uber when I opened my eyes.

20. Looking for a job after graduation: Age is a treasure, relationship is very important, and ability is a reference.

2 1, fell down, got up and cried ~ ~ ~

22. After meeting me, you will suddenly find that handsome can be so single-minded!

23. The people who are willing to stay and argue with you are the ones who really love you!

24. A young man couldn't find a seat on the bus, so he went back and walked in front of a child. Say to the child: Are you tired of sitting? Tell your uncle when you are tired, and he will give you a seat. The children looked at their uncle and said, don't worry, uncle, I can hold on.

25, you come back quickly, I can't fool alone!

26. personals: The requirements are as follows: A is alive and B is female.

27. If you are in a bad mood, go to the supermarket to knead instant noodles (super right! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! )

28. People who travel all over the brothel are not old. Please use Huiren Shenbao.

29. The merry-go-round is the most cruel game in the world, chasing each other, but always separated by a sad distance.

30. In the dead of night, missing becomes so presumptuous.

3 1, when I love you, what you say is what you say. What do you say you are when I don't love you?

32. Among all directors, the head teacher has the least power; Among all the directors, the head teacher is the most responsible.

33. Send you a bunch of roses this year and find a beautiful bride; Send you a bunch of lilies and give birth to a fat doll next year; Send you a bunch of violets, and your wife will take care of your family. Send another bouquet of hibiscus flowers, which my mother-in-law likes to return.

34. Give me a little sunshine, and I will rot.

35. Only women and heroes are sad, and only wives and jobs are hard to find.

36. If you are doomed to fail to give me the expected response. Then keep a safe distance.

37. I met a writer's signature: it may seem rough, but it may not be. I met a GG signature: Give me a girl and I can create a nation.

38. Several buddies were drinking together and chatting about what happened to them. A buddy killed a large glass of wine in one gulp, looked up at the ceiling at a 45-degree angle, and said, Damn it, I regret that graduation photo didn't go to college. Later, the school gave me a ps. The university said there was nothing wrong. He gnashed his teeth, but my head is twice as big as others, and now I have a nickname.

39. The government thinks about how to collect taxes reasonably, the boss thinks about how to avoid taxes reasonably, and I think about how to sleep reasonably!

I allow you to walk into my world, but I don't allow you to walk around in my world. .

4 1. In the past, it took me an average of 10 seconds to do multiple-choice questions. Now it's basically seconds kill.

42. Shake and shake to Naihe Bridge.

43. The ideal is full, but the reality is very skinny.

44, our class teacher, during the lunch break. He took six mobile phones and smashed them in front of us. After smashing, the class teacher was surprised to find that there were seven mobile phones on the ground. The following classmate suddenly shouted: Teacher, you are so capricious! Even your own.

45. Our teacher's class meeting notice: There will be a class meeting at seven o'clock tonight. I know everyone is too lazy to leave, so in order not to delay everyone's online time, we will hold it directly in the class group. All students should attend class on time, and I will call the roll by video.

46. Being single is not difficult. The hard part is dealing with people who try their best to make you end your single life.

47. Asking you how much you are worried is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

48. See you soon after graduation; Have a wife a year after graduation; Later I regretted having a wife; Later, there was a stepmother; I regret having a stepwife the most.

49. I like you so much that you will die.

50. Real good friends are not together with endless topics, but together, even if they don't talk, they won't feel embarrassed.

5 1, I accidentally want to grow old with you.

52. If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

53. Some people say: I bought a summer mat for my senior at noon yesterday, and I lay on it at night. I was insomnia and smelled fragrant! So, God replied: I bought a quilt for my senior at noon, and I was pregnant the next day ~ pregnant ~ pregnant with that pregnancy ~ ~

We walked so fast that our souls couldn't keep up.

55. homework Let's break up. We are not suitable. Really!

When I was on the bus, I saw a beautiful woman coming with a big bag. There is no extra hand to grab the handrail, which is very dangerous. So I got up decisively and gave my seat to the beautiful woman. The beauty took it. I didn't expect the beautiful woman to get off at the same station as me. When I got off the bus, the beauty said to me, can you help me take my things home? I agreed without hesitation. I want to say that good people are rewarded!

57. In Weibo, Gemini, Aries, Taurus, sensitive cancer, vanity Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, inflexible Capricorn, self-righteous Aquarius and sentimental Pisces will soon start to split.

58. I won't hit you, you don't know that I am both civil and military.

59. Journey to the West tells us that all monsters with backstage were taken away, and those without backstage were killed by a stick.

60. It is inevitable to blame the hand of time and write love as love.

6 1, born and easy. Live, relax. Life is not easy.

62. Take your advice and leave me ten books!

63. I even believe that there is a lie hidden in the middle.

64. The difference between people and pigs is that pigs have always been pigs, but people are sometimes not people!

65. Memory is a bridge, but it is a prison leading to loneliness.

Honey, I'm pregnant for three months, but don't worry, it's not yours, and you're not responsible.

67. Don't wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.

68. It is very important to remind everyone to learn how to repair notebooks! Once upon a time, there was a man who couldn't repair a notebook. Everyone knows what happened afterwards. (Since the Edison Chen incident, I won't say much about the reasons. )

Although you wear cologne, I can still vaguely smell that scum.

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, mirrors are flat.

7 1, happiness is a comparative level, and you can't feel it until something is at the bottom.

72. The female boss scolded me for my working condition, and I hung my head. This reaction may have angered her. She changed her calm tone and growled, why don't you talk? Won't you refuse to accept it? I explained: no, my girlfriend won't let me talk to beautiful women!

Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.

74. Nothing that can be solved with money is a problem, but I am poor.

75, planting grass does not make people lie down, it is better to replant cactus!

76, men fool women, called flirting; Women fool men, called seduction; Men and women fool each other, which is called love.

77, come out to mix, the wife will change sooner or later!

78. Song Wu killed the tiger, and the government rewarded him with a car. Song Wu said with a smile, give me a child seat. The official asked: You are not married and have no children. If you are married, you can't use it. Song Wu said that this is very useful. My big brother needs it when he is sitting.

79. A perm master hit a sugar-coated gourd seller. Arriving at the police station, the policeman asked the permer: Why did you hit the sugar-coated gourd dealer? The perm master said: I was perming my hair in the house, and he kept shouting outside: perm! It's burnt. Can I not hit him?

80. Zhuge Liang never led a soldier before he came out of the mountain. Why should I have work experience?

8 1, it turns out that as long as people are separated, people who are familiar with each other will gradually alienate.

82. When I was a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me.

83. When a mouse gets angry, everyone is a sick cat.

84. Gold always shines, but when there is gold everywhere, I don't know which one I am.

85. Oh, my God! My clothes have lost weight again.

86, no other half 100 points, only two people 50 points!

87. Love is like a ghost. Many people believe, but few people meet.

88. I am not a fortune teller in the square. I can't say so much as you like.

89. Waiting for your concern until I close my heart.

90. When I first met you, you were naked and bathed in clear water. Your every move and smile attracted me. You sway in the water with a charming gesture. I really can't help it: boss, how much is this fish a catty?

9 1, the fate is Song Like Zudekou, you never know who will be unlucky next ~ ~ ~

92. I can tolerate that my figure is fake, my face is fake, my chest is fake and my ass is fake! ! ! But I just don't tolerate money. Yes! ! ! !

93. Time is used for wandering, body for loving, life for forgetting and soul for singing.

A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

95. Take off my clothes, I am an animal. Put on my clothes, I am the devil wears Prada!

96. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

97. We have some differences: she wants me to turn dung into gold, and I want her to treat gold as dung.

98. Reading today, I was depressed to see that Emperor Kangxi became the king of a country at the age of 23. But when I saw that the Tongzhi emperor was 23 years old and had died for four years, my heart was balanced.

99. Besides teeth, there is love in the world.

100, please don't put my tolerance for you on the spot, you shameless capital.

10 1. I ordered two dishes in the canteen at noon. Eating the first one shocked me. Is there anything worse in the world? I cried after eating the second one.

102, if you tell me to get out, I'll get out. You asked me to come back. Sorry, I'm leaving.

103. The difference between a lie and an oath is that the listener takes it seriously and the speaker takes it seriously.

104, since I turned into shit, no one has stepped on my head anymore.

105, changing homework Song: I looked left and right, and it turned out that every question was difficult to answer. I read and looked, thought and thought, and the answer written on it was really strange, alas! How strange!

106, you have to eat properly to lose weight.

107, it's over. You don't care about me either. I've become a dog's dog ~ ~!

108 years old, 10 years old is improving every day. 20-year-old dream, 30-year-old effort. At the age of 40, it is basically oriented, and at the age of 50, it is full of popularity. Playing mahjong at the age of 60 and wandering around at the age of 70. 80-year-old lesbians are very common, and 90-year-old lesbians are hanging on the wall!

109, the important task is to manufacture 08.

1 10, I am not RMB, how can anyone like me?

1 1 1, be patient or cruel.

1 12, clap your head to make a decision, clap your chest to make sure to leave.

1 13 I spent 80,000 yuan on a pottery jar of the Western Zhou Dynasty. I went to Jianbao column for appraisal yesterday. The expert said seriously: Which Western Zhou Dynasty is this? This is from last week!

1 14, how far is it forever? Get out, boy!

1 15, why do you have to sleep for a long time before you die? You will fall asleep after death.

1 16, I want to puppy love, but it's already late.

1 17, get out of here and keep rolling.

1 18, love. Until it becomes a wound.

1 19, don't be as knowledgeable as people on earth ~ ~ ~

120, when the woman's unit sends 1,000 yuan, she will tell the man to send 1,000 yuan and tell her friends to send 500 yuan; When a man sends a thousand dollars, he will tell a woman that he sent 500 dollars and a friend that he sent 1,500 dollars.

12 1, the scholar plays dead for his bosom friend, and the woman has plastic surgery for her own amusement.

122, lazy in bed in the morning, took out six coins from his pocket: if all six are heads, I will go to class! I've been thinking about it for a long time. Forget it. Don't take the risk.

Quoting Ren Lei is interesting and humorous.

1, wechat is awesome, and it is difficult to make a mobile phone into a walkie-talkie.

I would rather be a heartless single person than two heartbroken people.

I thought I was decadent, and only today did I know that my morning paper was scrapped.

If you have money, you will have no home. If you have no money, worship God.

5. One kind of anxiety is that the computer is stuck and QQ is still ringing.

6. The furthest distance in the world is not life and death, but the same mistake. You are in the classroom and I am in the office.

7. The biggest lie every day is: Go to bed early today and get up early tomorrow.

8. No heartless person has ever experienced heartache for someone.

9. You take your overpass and I'll take my underground passage.

10, if my life is a movie, then you are a pop-up advertisement.

1 1, a happy day is a day when you are full and go to bed.

12, you derive the function, go back a little, multiply it again, and then decide. Have you considered the feeling of the function?

13, it's mine. Don't move, it's not mine. Put it there for me.

14. Where there are people, there are rivers and lakes. How can I quit?

15, beautiful women have no brains, but they know that faces are much more useful than brains.

16. A woman asks a man: Do you love me? Man: Love! Woman: Then you say that I am everything to you! M: Yes! You are my concubine! ! !

17, you were in my heart, and then slowly you ran into my stomach, and then I digested you, and then you ran into my large intestine, and finally you became a fart, and then I let you go. You are a fart, I won't let you go. Can't you stay in your intestines and savor it? !

18, I want to pick up girls wholeheartedly. If everyone pulls out a pubic hair as a souvenir, I guess I can knit a sweater!

19, annoying-just please people, not tired of watching.

20. Now some people know that they can't litter in the car, so they just hold it in their hands. After getting off the bus, they let go of their hands and let the garbage fly like butterflies. Beautiful!

2 1, the forest is beautiful, and the wind will destroy it; Beauty is in full view, and people will be there, okay?

22. Women should not think that they can stop reading because they are good, and men should not think that they can grow ugly because they read well.

23. I'll hit you if I hit you. Do you still have to pick a date?