Secret love? Seven years later, I still haven't forgotten him.

There is a topic on Zhihu: How long can unrequited love last? A netizen's answer made me dumbfounded: if you don't get it, it will be a lifetime thing.

Secret love for this inexplicable feeling is doomed to be unable to share with anyone. Its beginning or end is directed and performed by one person, and only one person is supporting it. Some people persist for a short time, while others persist for a long time.

When a person's trembling lasts long enough, no matter what the final result is, you can't treat it calmly like water without a trace.

Luo Zhi in "Orange Born in Huainan", after being married to Sheng Huainan for many years, when she almost forgot the secret love of her girlhood, will suddenly miss the little girl who once peeped at him and inquired about him, as if nothing had happened, secretly pleased for no reason and tried to give up in self-disgust. Even if later, Sheng Huainan got in touch with her, he would never understand her expectation when she wrote her composition one by one.

I suddenly remembered myself. I am different from Luo Zhi. I'm not as persistent as her, and I don't have such a happy ending

Seven years have passed, and I haven't liked him for a long time, but I still haven't let go. The word "let go" is only two words, but some people have to answer it all their lives.

I said to my best friend, "It's strange that I often dream about him."

"Maybe he was too special for you in high school."

"But he was still like that in his dream, and he never liked me once."

Our story is so long that I can hardly remember how much contact we had, so long that I have forgotten why I liked him at the beginning, so long that I don't even remember what he looks like.

Our story, very dull, may have nothing to do with him. This is just my secret love, my one-man show.

In those years when I secretly loved him, I never seemed to say "I like him" clearly, but all my close friends knew it except him.

My best friend said he must know, too, just pretending not to know. Because I like a person, even if I keep my mouth shut, I like it and it will come out of my eyes. 0

There is a sentence in Mr. Liu Yu's "Give You a Bullet": I have a crush on him. I once liked him briefly, enthusiastically, but shyly. I have almost forgotten all the secrets that I think are well hidden and that he may have known for a long time. I can still remember this feeling now, although time is not short.

As for why I like it, it may be because he has a white face and a beautiful voice full of magnetism.

Because when he laughs, his mouth slightly cracks and rises, which is very restrained and particularly warm.

Because he is humorous, he seldom talks, and he won't shout and joke like other boys.

Because when the bell rang, he gently pushed me to the desk to fall asleep and woke me up. In a daze, his voice was too gentle and a little unintentional.

It may also be because one afternoon in senior one, before leaving for physical education class, his classmates accidentally spilled drinks on his face. He was not angry at all when someone hurriedly picked up a tissue to wipe his face. I caught a glimpse of his helpless and smiling face.

Like a person, at that unexplained moment.

Because of this little hidden joy, it will become a little different in the future. I kept looking at him, but pretended not to care. I often make some deliberate and pretend casual encounters, so that he can take the initiative to talk to me.

Once, his seat was on my right. I can hear everything he says, and I can see him by tilting my head slightly. In the evening self-study before the mid-term exam, I specially chose a most difficult biology question to ask him. In fact, I don't know anything about biology. I'm just worried that if the question is too simple, he will laugh at me for not being able to do such a simple question.

When I see him far away on the road, I will run to his vicinity, then pretend not to see him, and walk forward with my head down, expecting him to stop me from behind and say hello to me.

The school canteen has three floors. I will run to the floor where he often goes, line up next to him and eat at a table near him. Sometimes he changes restaurants, and I have to follow him for several days.

I can't remember how many times I looked at him again and again in the crowd and then pretended to pass by him as if nothing had happened.

I like the way he explains the topic to me bit by bit; I like the way he suddenly patted me on the shoulder from behind, playfully called me by my nickname, and then walked side by side for a while.

I like the way he took the initiative to sit next to me at the annual meeting; I like the one who chatted with him one build and none build. My heart is pounding and my face is still pretending to be calm.

I like the way he asked me to run with him when he ran through our class before morning exercise. I like to hear my classmates make fun of his good relationship with me and frown when they retort.

I don't know if he likes me at all, but as long as he treats me better and notices me a little, I think he likes me.

I used to think that he liked me at least a little.

I thought we had enough time.

Seven years ago, at the end of the college entrance examination, my mother and I packed our bags and went home early, just like the usual summer vacation, without much sadness of parting. I have always felt this way, but I didn't realize that after this day, many people will never see it again.

We chat on QQ occasionally, and he will comment on everything I send. I am immersed in such a small blessing. As for feelings, let nature take its course. What's the hurry?

But I never saw him again.

On the way back to school to fill in the college entrance examination volunteers, I learned that he had a girlfriend. He was with another girl when I hesitated to confess to him.

I thought I was special in his eyes, that he would pay attention to me silently, and that he was different from other girls to me. In fact, for him, I am just an ordinary female classmate, with an average relationship and occasionally say a few words.

It turns out that all "I think" and "should" are, in the final analysis, just wishful thinking.

I forgot that more often, he didn't look for me at all. He was closer to many other people.

When Luo Zhi had dinner with Sheng Huainan for the first time, she carefully adjusted her state, only to find that the other party was absent-minded and didn't notice her little affectations. Luo Zhi told himself countless times: Forget it, but when he found that Sheng Huainan had chosen the same class as her, his heart was full of joy.

I care too much about him, so I made the picture of my interaction with him bold and blurred everything else as the background, thinking that I could be the heroine.

In fact, in the scripts he directed, there has always been his own female number one.

Sitting on the bus and crying is particularly shameful. That day, I didn't have a tissue in my pocket, and I was surrounded by passengers. I choked up and couldn't cry. While controlling my nose, I buried my head and wiped my tears with my sleeves. Finally, I laughed at myself at the corner of my mouth. My love, the love I thought, ended before it started.

I'm not as persistent as Luo Zhi, knowing that the other person has a girlfriend, I still like him as always, and I can't let him go.

I am determined to forget him. What a coward.

That's the end of the story. We have no ending.

Later, I burned many late-night diaries written in high school for three years, filled with his words; Deleted those who circled a few times just to say what was written for him; And those short messages, after repeated consideration, I pressed the send button and deleted them all.

Later, we became more and more friends. When we first went to college, we would occasionally make a phone call, chat about each other's recent situation on QQ, and spit out some small troubles in life. I began to care that he didn't like me, and I was glad that we were still good friends.

Later, we gradually lost contact. I won't be sad because he has a girlfriend, but when he stopped contacting me, I was really sad.

No matter when I like him or when I decide to be friends all the time, our relationship always comes to an abrupt end. The favored party is always fearless. He said he was leaving, so I had to bear it myself.

I no longer mention him to my friends around me, and I refuse to hear any news about him from my friends. In this way, pretend that he has never appeared in my world.

Two bears wrote in the book: No matter how bitter it is, it will fade under the scouring of time and fate. After many years, the feelings are not weak, and that person is also weak in the background.

I knew him ten years ago and lost touch with him completely in five or six years. After I stopped talking about him with my friends, I went to school as usual, began to like other boys, and then fell in love, graduated and worked. All the records about him have been deleted, and his memory is becoming more and more blurred. He really retired from the background.

But I still think of him and often dream about him.

The scene in the dream is always in the classroom of high school, and he still doesn't like me in the dream.

I often wonder why I still can't let go. What can I not let go?

It's not that I can't let him go, but I can't let go of the person I liked at the beginning; I can't let go of myself who cried and laughed for him and was led by his every move.

There is no real farewell between us. Not seeing each other after graduation is not the end, burning a diary is not the end, and suddenly not contacting is not the end. I owe myself a farewell to him, which is my sense of ceremony.

Wait until one day, when I get up the courage to see him, I will tell him:

I used to like you very much, but now I don't. I used to care about you very much. Now, I want to let go of everything about you and stride forward.